Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#202

Lots of regrets flooding in with my life. Processing some grief. Again the whole time being alive thing.

i got a new job recently that’s chill. It pays me enough to not be in poverty, but really I have a cushion of savings and I need to investigate where I’m at financially. So I’m not feeling the full weight of being tight financially.

I’m doing everything right. In therapy, a non toxic job, looking after my health. But I’m just really sad. I still feel like I’m stuck in limbo and so self conscious of my physical appearance I don’t live my life.

It ebbs and flows. Some days when I feel more put together I’m kinda ok. Others I feel like I see where I waited too long to start hormones. It’s like my mistakes are etched into my body physically. A painful physical reminder of me not looking after my needs and simultaneously being too afraid of what others think to go for this when I was younger. I could have. If I was more confident, had a support system, parents who weren’t emotionally neglectful, my life could have been really different.

Just in a pool of sadness today. I’m sure I’ll work through whatever this is. But I think it’s been bottled up for a while now.

#203

Today has been, a lot.

My simple car repair went sideways and they have to keep it till monday. I had to swap a PTO day and was worried my boss was gonna think I was lying and making stuff up because I couldn’t go into work monday last minute.

And none of that is particularly stressful. But I just fucking lost it today.

Running these subs, running regen in particular. Me expecting to get better and better, to not slip up, to just keep improving. This CONSTANT expectation to be better and never give myself an ounce of breathing room. I really broke down today.

I just need space to feel like I can’t do it. I can’t put my life together, I can’t achieve my dreams, I can’t. I have pushed and pushed, I’ve overcome, I’ve fought, and every little scrap of life satisfaction never feels like it adds up to enough to shift things in a way where I’m truly genuinely ok. And I’m tired of lying to everyone in my life. I’m grateful for the changes I’ve made and the improvements I’ve fought for. I have changed, I have done better for myself. But I still feel like I’m having the life squeezed out of me every day, slowly. And I can’t anymore, I can’t live like this.

I hate my subtle validation seeking on this forum by writing about positive stuff and feeling beholden to maintaining that. It’s not that the positive stuff isn’t real, there’s just too much attachment to it in terms of self worth. And this blocks real emotional expression and feelings because anything less than improvement is failure in my eyes.

I hate that when I feel discomfort in my body I feel guilty. Like I’m exaggerating or if I just altered my thinking pattern I could feel better about this mismatch.

I hate that I don’t feel real. That everything is still funneled through a good and bad to feel matrix that denies me of my own humanity. And I hate that I do it to myself and I should have this free will but apparently I don’t.

And I hate that even when I have honest self expression, like right now typing this out. I still watch myself in third person as if the individual having these feelings is someone else. As if I, myself, am not allowed to feel these things. As if they are a temporary set back from a more invincible state vs a complex and nuanced experience of being a human that’s completely normal and I’m supposed to feel.

Half of me wants to delete all this. The other half wants to post it because I’m tired of covering up my own humanity and wants to be seen. If I can’t be honest and face how I really feel how am I ever gonna grow? I can’t chase an illusion of what I want while ignoring everything inside and hope it sorts itself out.

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#204

I worked on some music again the other day and it feels like I’m picking up some momentum with that. Tv shows and movies are less appealing to me and are starting to feel like time wasters. I still have some anxiety about writing music. I realized I over complicate things too much. Noodling around and get a good chord progression? Oh that sounds too much like this other song or too familiar, can’t have that. So I’m trying to just write and stop trying to reinvent the wheel and do something original. Most of my revisions and overthinking just ruins the initial feel of the song.

So I’ve been asking myself. Is it really this hard? Or are you making it hard by refusing to accept less than some expectation?

I’ve been running seductress for a bit so I do think this is regen helping me with the expressive part of myself and not looking at myself through a microscope 24/7.

I just want to really get to a point where inspiration happens or I get the urge and I just sit down and make music. Right now it’s like I want to and I don’t at the same time. And I forced myself to write over and over thinking I could crush this habit, but I just burned out really hard. It’s always been my mindset around music, not necessarily the skills itself. Like yeah synthesis is cool, but you can use presets. Nobody has ever been blown away by production alone, the heart of the song is what matters.

Screw it, I’m adding vibes to my stack. I told myself stick to two titles for now but I’m gonna try this out

#205

@RVconsultant When you get a sec can you close out this journal? Thanks!

#206