Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#121

Really been going through it lately. I’m on my third day of a washout. Typically I don’t get any type of bloom effect, but I’ll keep an eye out.

Had a dream last night of my face being entirely different and more feminine. At this point I just don’t have any attachment to “who I am” because honestly I don’t even know who that is. My whole life is just a neverending string of trauma responses. So it’s kind of like whatever at this point. However I live my life and my inspired actions to do so are me and it just doesn’t go any deeper than that. My identity just never developed, I’m kind of making peace with that now more. But that frees me to not being tied to my limitations that I thought were “me”. Nope not “me” just a tangled string of trauma getting in the way of the expression of myself.

My seductress name embed has the singularity paradox module. So I guess one that’s popping up now. The inward search to finding more of myself results in being less of myself and the releasing of that search frees me to just be as myself in whatever stage of growth I’m at. To find more of myself I have to stop searching for myself.

I visited a friend back around where I grew up. As soon as I hit familiar roads I started having a panic attack. There’s still a lot of pain with my past I’d rather just forget about and get on with my life. But sooner or later I know I have to confront that and sit with it.

#122

Offtopic: I really like the way you write. Poetic, passionate, authentic, vulnerable but hopeful.

Reading through your journal makes me feel inspired again to write poetic texts myself.

You truly write beautifully :purple_heart:

1 Like
#123

Awwww thank you, that helped lift my spirits today :heart:

I’m happy to hear my words give inspiration to someone! I’ve enjoyed following your journal as well. It sounds like you’re overcoming a lot and it’s a beautiful thing to witness.

1 Like
#124

Re-doing my resume, again… But at least I’m getting somewhere. I’m starting to feel like it’s easier to value my achievements vs “yeah anyone can do that”. Also less anxiety when working on it so that’s good.

My problem is I went autopilot at my last job. I remember probably 75%, that other 25% I might have done some great stuff but it was so routine it doesn’t stand out.

Overall just working on things I can control. My apartment is a mess and most days all I’m doing is job searching online and then trying to figure out a career pivot or path. I’ve stopped feeling guilty that I’m not cleaning or making my apartment look nicer. I don’t have the energy. I just do what I’m capable of and try to take care of myself as best as possible. Despite the messiness of everything in my life right now, I’m feeling better. So taking some time off the subs seems to have leveled me out a bit.

I think the hardest things sometimes is when people don’t go through this level of burnout, this long with CPTSD all their life, it can look like not enough. But I physically can’t and I’m done feeling ashamed at that.

I realized that insecurity is what was really fueling my overexposure on subs without realizing. It can be frustrating needing space to heal or environments to do so and everything is just working against you. Makes me want to escape and just push through everything, but I know that just makes it all worse.

Other than that gonna try to brush up on some scripting knowledge and skills. Then dive into some deeper sys admin stuff to challenge myself a bit. More and more I feel like I don’t give myself credit and I assume I’m not smart enough for this stuff.

#125

When I want to reach for spiritual insight, it usually means that’s not what I need. When I abandon spiritual insight that’s when I need it the most.

I don’t even like that word spiritual honestly. It’s got too much baggage for me, too many charlatans, too many people positioning themselves as authorities on something, too many damaged people trying to transcend their own shadow by telling others how to live life. I hate principles, I hate structure, anything I haven’t observed and tested myself I’m not going to blindly believe. I’m just a human with weakness and strength, desires, anything and everything that exists inside of me. And I just want that all to coexist with some amount of peace without tearing myself apart all the time. Differences are differences, not right and wrong and I’m tired of subjecting myself to the polarization inside of me.

I ran 30s two days ago and I apparently get a ton of recon. I’m tired of opinions of people saying I have to work for what I want, as if I haven’t been working at shit in my life all my life. I’m tired of feeling like there’s one more puzzle piece before it all falls into place and inevitably it doesn’t. A constant tease of things coming together and then slipping away. I’m tired of existing in a body that doesn’t feel like mine. I’m tired of expressing myself and being met with disbelief and assuming I’m doing something wrong vs witnessing the beginning of a chance to finally heal.

Am I on the cusp of a breakthrough? Or just lying to myself again to give me hope for the future? I can’t ever tell.

People may wonder why I journal such intimate private thoughts publicly and be more vulnerable about my state of being. That’s the point. It’s easier to do everything in private and feel safe, then report on the good things. But that follows the pattern in my life of only wanting to show the best side of myself to the world which is what has burned me the most. Fuck it, I exist, I have experiences, and I will tell them.