Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#121

Really been going through it lately. I’m on my third day of a washout. Typically I don’t get any type of bloom effect, but I’ll keep an eye out.

Had a dream last night of my face being entirely different and more feminine. At this point I just don’t have any attachment to “who I am” because honestly I don’t even know who that is. My whole life is just a neverending string of trauma responses. So it’s kind of like whatever at this point. However I live my life and my inspired actions to do so are me and it just doesn’t go any deeper than that. My identity just never developed, I’m kind of making peace with that now more. But that frees me to not being tied to my limitations that I thought were “me”. Nope not “me” just a tangled string of trauma getting in the way of the expression of myself.

My seductress name embed has the singularity paradox module. So I guess one that’s popping up now. The inward search to finding more of myself results in being less of myself and the releasing of that search frees me to just be as myself in whatever stage of growth I’m at. To find more of myself I have to stop searching for myself.

I visited a friend back around where I grew up. As soon as I hit familiar roads I started having a panic attack. There’s still a lot of pain with my past I’d rather just forget about and get on with my life. But sooner or later I know I have to confront that and sit with it.

#122

Offtopic: I really like the way you write. Poetic, passionate, authentic, vulnerable but hopeful.

Reading through your journal makes me feel inspired again to write poetic texts myself.

You truly write beautifully :purple_heart:

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#123

Awwww thank you, that helped lift my spirits today :heart:

I’m happy to hear my words give inspiration to someone! I’ve enjoyed following your journal as well. It sounds like you’re overcoming a lot and it’s a beautiful thing to witness.

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#124

Re-doing my resume, again… But at least I’m getting somewhere. I’m starting to feel like it’s easier to value my achievements vs “yeah anyone can do that”. Also less anxiety when working on it so that’s good.

My problem is I went autopilot at my last job. I remember probably 75%, that other 25% I might have done some great stuff but it was so routine it doesn’t stand out.

Overall just working on things I can control. My apartment is a mess and most days all I’m doing is job searching online and then trying to figure out a career pivot or path. I’ve stopped feeling guilty that I’m not cleaning or making my apartment look nicer. I don’t have the energy. I just do what I’m capable of and try to take care of myself as best as possible. Despite the messiness of everything in my life right now, I’m feeling better. So taking some time off the subs seems to have leveled me out a bit.

I think the hardest things sometimes is when people don’t go through this level of burnout, this long with CPTSD all their life, it can look like not enough. But I physically can’t and I’m done feeling ashamed at that.

I realized that insecurity is what was really fueling my overexposure on subs without realizing. It can be frustrating needing space to heal or environments to do so and everything is just working against you. Makes me want to escape and just push through everything, but I know that just makes it all worse.

Other than that gonna try to brush up on some scripting knowledge and skills. Then dive into some deeper sys admin stuff to challenge myself a bit. More and more I feel like I don’t give myself credit and I assume I’m not smart enough for this stuff.

#125

When I want to reach for spiritual insight, it usually means that’s not what I need. When I abandon spiritual insight that’s when I need it the most.

I don’t even like that word spiritual honestly. It’s got too much baggage for me, too many charlatans, too many people positioning themselves as authorities on something, too many damaged people trying to transcend their own shadow by telling others how to live life. I hate principles, I hate structure, anything I haven’t observed and tested myself I’m not going to blindly believe. I’m just a human with weakness and strength, desires, anything and everything that exists inside of me. And I just want that all to coexist with some amount of peace without tearing myself apart all the time. Differences are differences, not right and wrong and I’m tired of subjecting myself to the polarization inside of me.

I ran 30s two days ago and I apparently get a ton of recon. I’m tired of opinions of people saying I have to work for what I want, as if I haven’t been working at shit in my life all my life. I’m tired of feeling like there’s one more puzzle piece before it all falls into place and inevitably it doesn’t. A constant tease of things coming together and then slipping away. I’m tired of existing in a body that doesn’t feel like mine. I’m tired of expressing myself and being met with disbelief and assuming I’m doing something wrong vs witnessing the beginning of a chance to finally heal.

Am I on the cusp of a breakthrough? Or just lying to myself again to give me hope for the future? I can’t ever tell.

People may wonder why I journal such intimate private thoughts publicly and be more vulnerable about my state of being. That’s the point. It’s easier to do everything in private and feel safe, then report on the good things. But that follows the pattern in my life of only wanting to show the best side of myself to the world which is what has burned me the most. Fuck it, I exist, I have experiences, and I will tell them.

#126

I do the same. I post everything I believe may hold value for others, even if it’s something very intimate—like my little brother’s suicide. Journaling in public is part of my journey.

How is it going for you, broski?

#127

I’ve been away from this forum for a bit trying to collect myself. It’s been up and down. Trying out different subs, seeing what else is out there. Making my way back here today and giving these another shot again.

I know broski can be a gender neutral term for some people. But I would appreciate if you don’t use anything that can be gendered male when interacting with me. I have a lot of trauma I’m still recovering from and my mind has difficulty hearing that stuff when it’s in reference to me.

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#128

Even though I spent some time away from these subs and used another producers, it really gave me perspective on how it’s a tool at the end of the day. It was a much needed shift in my perception of change. I didn’t like how I was unconsciously devaluing my journey by not taking credit for my own hard work. As weird as it sounds I had to let go of this belief that I was somehow broken or weaker because I use subs for change. And the question. If these didn’t exist, where would I be? I didn’t like the idea of relying or trusting myself which is actually the mechanism for change with these subs. So yeah, an internal system for change was at a deeper problematic level that no subs could fix. It took some time and emotional processing to understand that only I can save myself and nobody else and no thing can do it.

I also learned I very likely have body dysmorphic disorder. Which I learned is not only distortion of my own features, but the OCD like obsession of fixating on them. So I’ve had to figure out the very multi layered issue of what’s gender dysphoria vs bdd. BDD is me being afraid to go outside because I feel ugly or look like a freak. I’ve been feeling better, but it’s been tough. I had two pickup trucks a few minutes apart scream queer at me while I was walking through town a few weeks ago. I get anxiety when any trucks drive by now. I’m lucky that’s the extent of what I deal with, some other trans individuals are brutally beat or killed for just being themselves in other parts of this country and the world.

But I ran a 30s loop of my seductress name embed yesterday. I realized I’m afraid of feeling attractive or good about myself because I don’t want to be delusional. I don’t want to feel good and then have someone pop my bubble and me crashing out. I woke up this morning though feeling better about myself and just decided maybe I should just go for it. Deal with the haters as they come and leave it at that. My whole idea of it being a bubble or delusional is probably based in some really critical thoughts about myself and I’ve been considering that too.

I was having a rough week. But that one 30s loop really did help me feel better about myself. Just being able to look in the mirror and appreciate myself as a human being deserving of compassion, more than just my physical appearance. And doing that did help me feel more beautiful and confident.

#129

Job situation has been a little bleak. I finally got in some interviews though.

I’m considering pivoting into cloud engineering or devops or something. But I have some learning ahead of me that I’m having immense trouble getting started with.

I’ve reached a point where I’ve processed a lot of stuff about my life. Some oddly framed things about beliefs vs validating struggles. I guess throughout my life I’ve just been told to get on with things vs actually understanding the very things that prevent me from getting on with things. Not from an intellectual standpoint, but an emotional processing level. Making peace with that now, unfortunately there’s a huge backlog. So it’s a combination of moving forward and also taking time to understand and have compassion for myself when I can’t vs beating myself up.

Definitely feeling trapped lately, I remind myself I don’t have to let that feeling stop me.

#130

Few things happened for me.

I started taking Vyvanse. It’s been helping a lot. I don’t know if I’ll need it forever but for now I don’t care if I have adhd or if it’s trauma. In the amount of time I’ve debated the source of things and how to fix them my life slipped away. I still hold regrets for how long I wrestled with my gender identity just because of society and delayed my transition trying to figure things out.

It’s all left me with a new perspective on life. One where I have to trust myself and make decisions. And other people might not like them or agree with them, but that doesn’t matter. Charting my life based on approval of everyone else around me just landed me in hell.

Fun stuff

My makeup skills are getting better and I’m sort of learning my own path and doing the really basic stuff. Trying to enhance my own beauty vs drastically altering it. It’s fun and I much prefer this because I’m becoming more intimate with my features. I’m deconstructing a lot of self image issues in the process. I found out the other day that my endless search for foundation shades that match is because I have an olive skin tone but I’m pretty fair in complexion so it’s been tricky. Finally stumbled upon a magical combo the other day and it blended into my skin perfectly. I felt like I won the lottery lol.

I went thrifting the other day and got some nice clothes for $40. I’m feeling more comfortable exploring different looks and starting to get a better feel for what I like vs don’t like. Very slowly feeling more attractive lately and dressing to accentuate that. Still have to build up to it though. But something is shifting for sure.

Deeper stuff

Understanding change takes time and doing my best to love and appreciate myself in the process of that change. I will always strive to improve my life and achieve what I want, but I’ve started being very careful about putting my happiness in the future when those thing are achieved. What if they never come to be? Where does that leave me? It can be scary and sometimes leads me to self defeat.

I’m in a situation where I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the thing I want most in my life I can’t achieve. But I can’t let that stop me from trying or thinking it’s not possible. This is about honoring my own needs, the ones stomped out by society and people around me making me feel like it wasn’t real.

Sub stuff

I think I’m going to pair AoH with seductress starting today and see how that goes. I need focus on myself and I need to prioritize me. I feel like everything around me is so complicated and I don’t have answers for anything anymore.

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#131

AoH. This sub gets heavy for me. I’ve spent a lot of my life convincing myself and people around me that I’m doing well and I’m happy. I have my moments for sure. But deep down I feel this unhappiness. I don’t want to lie about it anymore. I want my actions in life to generate real happiness, not just me trying to convince myself I am.

Every time I run this sub I end up crying. I guess the subject of happiness is a deep wound for me. One I haven’t healed from yet

#132

It’s funny because a lot of times on this forum it’s advised not to kitchen sink a title or custom. I think sometimes I need a bit of that.

All my life I was on a hunt to find specific things, paths, repeatability. I felt if I couldn’t condense or articulate what it was that was driving my growth in life, I was unorganized and setting myself up for failure.

Now I’m realizing my life would benefit immensely from throwing everything at it and focusing on the outcome. I can condense everything down or make sense of the chaos later. But by trying to be picky and selective in the hopes I pick out the right sources of knowledge, inspiration, influence, etc. I cut myself off from things. There are no guarantees or formulas, flexibility and adaptability is what I value the most. Fluidity. I’ve been so rigidly attached to beliefs and mindsets because of trauma and they haven’t served me and have narrowed my life experience.

I think I might add HoT back in to my stack. I already have seductress but physical shifting is a huge goal of mine and I’m going to experiment to see if I can take this even further.

#133

Had an in person interview today. I can only attribute some insight I gained about my anxiety to AoH.

I got to the place early (worst thing for interviews). So I was sitting in my car and just trying to calm myself down. This never has worked for me. So I started to try to understand what the anxiety was. I realized it’s a misguided defense mechanism. My mind thinks if I get really anxious I’ll be more attentive and say the right things and get a favorable outcome. This is in contrast to being calm and being myself and potentially coming across in a way someone doesn’t like.

The irony, like so many things with the subconscious, is the anxiety being generated will directly cause the unwanted consequence. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy.

All in all it comes back to me as a person and the insecurities I hold. The big one is probably being trans. My appearance might make some people uncomfortable, I do my best but I’m limited by this body I got stuck in against my will. I know I have to find peace within myself so I can move through life with confidence and not worrying what others think. But I’m not there yet. And I guess that really hurts living life like this right now and all the challenges I face in society.

#134

So yeah decided to go back to my focused custom HoT, Seductress, and AoH in a stack. Custom HoT is on its own day.

Custom HoT

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core
New Physical Shifting Experience Core
Synergy: Carpe Vitam
Synergy: Harmonic Conflux
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Safety Net
Untouchable
New Dawn
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
Homeostasis
Unlimiter
Mosaic

It might be too much, it might not. Here’s how I see it. There are some things in the subs I’m running that I’m not ready for, but that doesn’t mean the slot can’t be filled with something else. Instead of waiting until I grow into it by running the same consistent single sub, to me it makes sense to allocate that energy to something in another title that can make a positive impact on my life.

At this point I’m not entirely convinced my mind is always working on every part of the script. I have reason to believe it does cherry pick or outright ignore things. So it’s better to feed it stuff that it can execute on, which can be a little chaotic because it’s not like I actually know what its picking or choosing or what it will be receptive to or not. I know it’s me, but I’m very often caught off guard with what my mind rejects or doesn’t. So it’s better to expand the scope and let it choose vs consciously adhering to some rigid syllabus I came up with consciously.

Oddly enough this mentality came about after I ran 30s of AoH.

Shifting Perspectives

Explores the power of reframing situations to uncover hidden opportunities for joy and growth. Learning to shift perspectives helps users transform challenges into valuable life lessons and recognize the beauty in the mundane. This practice builds emotional flexibility and fosters a positive outlook, essential for navigating life’s complexities. Incorporating this skill into daily life enables users to find joy even in unexpected or difficult circumstances.

I guess I’ve been kind of insecure about the way my mind works and tried to train it out of a way of how it works vs going with it it. That expanded to sub usage. I’m kind of working out what works best for me now and trusting my intuition. It is nice having guidelines, but ultimately I have to figure out how these work best in my own mind and that itself is a learning process.

#135

Hey there, considering your situation with your body and how difficult it seems for you to run subs, why not only run full loops of what seems to be the most desired and aligned outcome you are seeking which I understand to be physical shifting?

Your body seems to be your main difficulty, why not go all in on physical shifting and let the results of that shift bring the joy and happiness as a natural outcome?

I know from experience with physical shifting sub(bdlm) that running only that one increases results and speed of results exponentially compared to spreading subconscious energy with another sub and also avoids potential recon coming from more psychologically oriented subs.

Just a perspective.

I resonate a lot with your feelings around body inadequacy and how what seems to be a simple superficial issue has incredibly profound painful psychological ramifications that can’t really be understood by most and is very difficult to express.

Best wishes.

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#136

Appreciate the thoughts on it. It’s a bit of a complicated situation for me.

I actually can’t run full loops, they don’t seem to work well for me. To be more specific it’s way too much input to manage without feeling overstimulated even with just one title.

As much as I would love to dedicate all my resources to physical shifting, I really don’t think I can. I’m not in the most secure place in my life right now and there are other aspects that need some serious work.

So of course it goes the other way? Why not focus on the serious aspects, then focus on physical shifting? The simple answer is, they’re intertwined. Growth in one area effects the other. I’ve lost a lot of time in my life, I’d rather move forward knowing I’m focusing on everything important to me than setting up checkpoints and waiting to move onto something else. Plus every time I’ve planned out sub usage in a singular focused way it never seems to work or address my needs enough as I run into them in day to day living.

Idk I’m just trying something different to see if it works.

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#137

My logic for my stack in a chart. Whether or not this is how it works I have no idea. But this is the theory at least. Trying to choose titles that help reinforce positive feedback loops vs coming across blocks. It makes sense to me at least. Guess we’ll see.

image

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#138

Had a huge emotional release after running my HoT custom I was not expecting. That led me to then uncovering past memories and realizing how dissociated I’ve been this past year. I’m still processing that one. Feels weird today. My journey feels weird and my life feels weird.

I’m becoming more aware of the harmful things I’ve internalized from others about being trans. Those are the things that severed me from myself. It’s still a process connecting with myself. Yesterday I realized just how awful it’s been for me over the years. But since starting my stack I feel almost pulled inward and it’s more effort to compromise myself for others. There’s an internal strengthening and a desire to build outward so my external life matches the internal more.

I guess I don’t have concrete goals. I just want my outer and inner to align more, whatever way that presents itself or happens I’m not concerned with the details at much. It doesn’t seem like I ever have much of an ability to carry out plans anyway and when I do they seem oddly unfulfilling.

#139

Wooooooooo! I got a job offer. 7 months of painful unemployment and being rejected and I finally found a job.

The best part is I think this will have a really good culture and environment. It’ll give me exactly what I need right now, some financial support without burying me in anxiety and stress.

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#140

On the surface, this might look like a bit of the kitchen sink type custom. However, this makes sense because it all looks oriented to your transitioning. I am also very pleased you added Unlimiter, Untouchable, and Safety Net; based on what I’ve read in your journal, this seems spot on!

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