Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#101

AoH is so good. From the outside, yes my life is a bit chaotic right now. But I feel like I’m carving a path forward away from all the stuff I used to struggle with. I’m taking life less seriously and it’s long overdue. I’m constructing a life for myself, with my own guidelines, needs, and wants. It’s small, but it’s there. I can feel it.

People will either vibe with this or they won’t. But I don’t have to change based on what they say. I’m just feeling excited for the first time in my life it really feels like I’m starting to live on my terms. And none of my worth is being tied to external achievements which is doing so much for not feeling like I can be exploited.

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#102

I’ve been trying to find peace in my life. Been trying to make something happen while ignoring in my gut that something is going to happen down the line and I need to be prepared for it. I would rather feel prepared and have nothing happen vs try to superimpose some sense of false safety over the top of very real intuited dangers.

I’m going to start running aegis survival instinct vs AoH. I would give anything to be able to breathe and feel at peace and joyful. But I know it’s not just me anymore and there are things I have no control over.

I encountered an event yesterday that shook me I guess. And I realized among my friends and family who are cis, they support me but they can’t live this or understand truly how the potential dangers for me are much higher. I can’t be in a position where I question my own judgement and feelings of safety on a situation because someone talks me out of it.

Even if I’m just acting from trauma, even if they are exaggerated feelings, I would rather have the comfort of knowing I can keep myself safe and transmute some of that anxious energy into being more protective of myself.

#103

I was thinking about running Sanguine, but I have no real desire to try to maintain peace or harmony. It’s a nice thought but I don’t care anymore. All I care about is feeling safe.

#104

Feeling really conflicted. Going to be running Aegis today. I don’t want to throw myself into a hyper vigilant state, but I wanted to at least try this sub first.

My problem is the lines of real vs perceived danger are blurring in this country. I can’t tell anymore. So I figured best to just address this directly with Aegis and see if anything comes of it. Hate that as soon as my life started looking up this country got objectively worse.

#105

Well I ran 2 mins of aegis. Then I went for a walk to get some coffee.

Some things that came up which I’m liking so far and in my own personal life makes sense. For now, in this moment in time I think it helps. I’m open to it changing in the future and growing. But what I’ve realized the most is it’s ok if it’s a little different than how most people approach things.

  1. Neutral view of people. My distrust of people goes deep. I always felt like a bad person for being kept to myself more. Either people saying I’m too quiet, withheld, hard to read, etc. My defenses, my feelings of safety were always put on display and judged. I don’t have to assume people are gonna hurt me to protect myself and neither do I have to fight the assumption that people could hurt me by believing most people are good or “seeing the best in them”. That’s not my responsibility. Anyway having this neutral view is like, I can interact with this person or I can choose not to. If I don’t want to smile at someone passing me by I don’t have to. People are so quick to label others cold, aloof, or standoffish but they don’t know the history or what they are going through. This is like a reset to baseline safety for me without the guilt of feeling like I need to be more open. This whole premise of living with an open heart, I don’t vibe with it right now because it reinforces others comfort over my own. The people I trust and value in my life get that.

  2. Seductress is helping me build some confidence. But Aegis has a sort of edge to it. I was walking taller, I felt I could take up more space. It’s important I project that energy of strength and fearlessness for my own safety.

  3. I’m feeling like I couldn’t settle into joy or happiness or peace because I constantly had this fear of manipulative people or being unable to stand up for myself. I realized today that no, I don’t need to run a sub like AoH to appreciate the small moments in life or do kind things for myself. I don’t need to run a sub to give me permission to find outlets of joy. So it’s not like I’m missing out or doing something wrong by switching to Aegis. I’m just focusing on aspects that I’ve had trouble building over the years that’s caused a lot of hurt in my life.

  4. I feel an ever so subtle shift in this applying to employment. An area I constantly live in fear of because of the high probability of being taken advantage of.

I’m not really sure why Seductress alone wasn’t providing enough of this confidence for me. Maybe it’s a different layer I needed to address. Idk. But it feels like it’s beneficial. It’s like the more stable feeling from Sanguine, but a step beyond into protection vs just feeling calm which I think has been missing from my life.

#106

Sound like it’s bringing you a masculine edge of safety, maybe focusing so much on your womanhood you reject the masculine in you that we all so desperately need to let the feminine in us feel safe and free to be and express, we all need this balance of solidity and free flow to feel truly fulfilled.

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#107

As a concept I hear what you’re saying. But I don’t believe in masculine/feminine energy, that’s always been Ying Yang through the lens of patriarchy to me. We could probably attribute this to Yang energy. But to be honest even that is relatively pointless to me because I value cultivation of qualities and changes as needed independent of the theoretical structure around them.

The Tao Te Ching (6th century BCE), attributed to Laozi, describes Yin and Yang as natural forces—like light/dark, movement/stillness, expansion/contraction.

Beautiful as a concept, inherently whole because these things constantly exist in nature with a dance of each other.

By the Han Dynasty (206 BCE – 220 CE), Confucianism rose to power

  • Confucian scholars began associating Yin with women and Yang with men, to justify a strict, patriarchal social order.
  • They weren’t just talking about nature anymore—they were laying down moral and political hierarchies.
  • Yin (woman) = submissive, soft, domestic
  • Yang (man) = assertive, strong, ruler

“Yang governs; Yin is governed. Yang is active; Yin is passive. Therefore, the husband should command and the wife obey.”

“The husband is Yang, and the wife is Yin. Yang is dominant; Yin is subordinate. This is the natural order of Heaven and Earth.”

Yuck

Division. What was once a concept of harmony had been weaponized into control.

And so it goes slowly leaking it’s way into new age in the modern society.

This is inherently sexist if you dissect it further. Why would we desperately need the masculine? The language of it, does it not concern you?

I point this stuff out because I’ve found it inherently harmful. However you yourself might have a more nuanced understanding and usage of it. My problem is the corruption of the original concept and how it’s been twisted to fit new age consumerism without regard for how damaging it can truly be. These are subconscious patriarchal views under the thin veil of spiritual progress.

#108

I have no prejudice whatsoever towards any sex and I use language freely to describe what I experience, see and feel, the masculine is needed by the feminine and vice versa.

Masculine and feminine in the context I wrote is about the two natural forces in this world quoted by Lao-tzu.

To me male and female are symbolic physical representation of these two forces, but not bound by either, as these two different energies can exist and are expressed in infinite different ways within individuals regardless of sex.

I’m aware and understand the bullshit going on in the usa and the world in general around all this stuff but I don’t buy any of it, my goal is love all beings, starting by myself.

I don’t worry about all the narratives that keep us small, fighting and divided, part of the global brainwashing.

I try to speak from my truth, without negative intent, I’m sorry the use of masculine/feminine words in this context bothered you but it’s the easiest way I have to talk about these energies in a less esoteric way.

I can delete my comment if you prefer let me know.

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#109

No need to apologize I was just pointing out my own observations and why I believe it’s problematic.

This is the thing though I wanted to point out. These forces were never supposed to be inherently gendered. That came later as a system of control and got adopted into the mainstream of society in spiritual circles.

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#110

You have connected the words masculine and feminine with something bad in your head. Masculine and feminine are not tied to genders and morons who say that are one cell organism. I wouldn’t do this. You’re shooting yourself in the foot by associating them with this. They do exist and wanting to close your eyes to it and not use those terms because you get some negative association memories from it is not good for you. Because you are denying parts of you. You are restricting and associating overtly feminine or overtly masculine behavior with “bad”. You need both. Everyone does. If you ignore even if one side, it’s like you’re leaving one of your feet underdeveloped. You’ll be less flexible, less capable and limp.

Masculine and feminine are completely neutral words and the sooner you could see them for the good that they can represent, the less of a headache you would have to carry around.

Truth is, if you feel unsafe you either need someone to protect you or you need to learn how to develop that right foot (masculinity) to use it to kick someone up their ass yourself when needed.

Masculine and feminine have nothing to do with gender. Just cuz some idiots said so shouldn’t restrict you from using those terms. They are very important.

Also hearing someone shit on patriarchy reminds me of when someone shits on feminism. You can do it. There are some cons to each but … being too focused on these things and bringing them up all the time for yourself isn’t helping you. Or anyone. It’s just another headache you have to deal with when you’re alone and your brain goes to that place. I’ve had the same when I was into red pill. I was so mad all the time around the injustice and the wrongs of one group. You saying the word patriarchy in all this context is just a proof that you are part of the very thing that you dislike. The ways that people get torn into two groups to fight one another. One tells patriarchy and another feminism. I’d say leave it. We live in the most privileged, free, resourceful, progressive and abundant time of our history. You can be anything you want. Anyone can. We have meals every day, endless possibilities in what we can accomplish individually. It’s not perfect. But it’s the best we have ever had it. And it’s the best it has ever been. And it’s been getting overly better over the past 10 years. It’s not perfect again. But fuck man. You really want to shit on the very people who built this world for you before you were even 12? Why not focus on your life as an individual instead of blaming your life problems on the government and the world. You saying all this to your friends or on the internet will not change that. It will not change a single thing. You not using certain words anymore isn’t doing you a favor. It’s probably a trauma growing itself in right now for the long term. Because you decided to take offense and restrict your life based on few stupid people.

#111

Well I’ve clearly opened up a can of worms here with my words.

I like deconstructing things. I like questioning things. I like breaking long held beliefs and views that have entered my head but I didn’t chose. That’s what I exercise here on the forum. It’s not gonna be neat and wrapped in a bow, it’s gonna be messy.

So why are you so upset with me?

#112

I’m not upset at all this is just food for thought. Maybe it could be helpful. I saw something that I thought you can’t see yet. And if you could you’d have a much easier life. I see you struggle mentally a lot here. You reconcile a lot. This was for you. Take it. Leave it. I don’t care. I did my part.

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#113

Ok. I’m sure I’ll reflect on your words here. They won’t fall on deaf ears.

All I’m saying is the terms masculine and feminine energy seem arbitrary and subjective and rigid to me. And thinking in those terms felt inherently limiting to me from an experiential standpoint.

#114

I think I’m gonna do rotations. Like 21 days Aegis and 21 days AoH back and forth like that alongside seductress.

Both really valuable subs right now, but 3 titles at once is always too much for me and loses focus.

A recruiter reached out to me and was like we think we have a good opportunity for you. Reviewed the responsibilities, not the worst but I could tell a lot of expectations. I told him my rate was 35/hr. He said all they had was 25 and maybe they could do 28. I said the lowest I’ll go is 30/hr. Said he’d look into it. Tired of getting lowballed in this economy so I said a screw it lets be demanding and see what happens.

#115

Had a mini epiphany with the subs. I lowered the volume today and my immediate thought was self care. I’ve whipped myself a lot over the years to get things done, it’s still hard sometimes to build on growth by being kind. I’m at 2 minutes, but I might scale back to 1 depending on how this goes. It’s just weird how the thing I need to work on is being relaxed and going easy on myself, not more discipline. Like it seems like a lack of discipline but really it’s the crushing weight of things and not giving myself enough compassion for navigating it so I procrastinate. Life is weird like that.

#116

sigh back to AoH for me instead of Aegis. This was peak recon for me, probably fueled by recent events. I was touching happiness and joy, letting go of hypervigilance, settling into relaxation. And what did I do? Doubled down on preparing for a threat instead of focusing on the positive. The closer I get to happiness, letting my guard down, vulnerability, I get scared. I feel like I’ll be blindsided, unprepared, and hurt. But it never ends, it’s never enough. That bracing, waiting, thinking I’m ahead of something when I’m just in a strangehold of unhappiness with myself.

It’s like what have I been feeding for years? Fear, being closed off, not giving time to myself, not being myself, beating myself up. It’s a habit, one I cultivated. I got good at making myself feel awful. But I don’t deserve that. This is honestly probably a bunch of bloom from AoH since I’ve been off it for a few days.

Idk it’s like I don’t have a path forward and I keep defaulting to the same shitty ones out of fear. And I don’t want to do that anymore. At the same time there’s endless amounts of propaganda and manipulation to keep me in that lane. I’m trying to be flexible without collapsing back into a mindset of “oh well guess I just have to settle for this”.

I hit a fork in the road a few days ago. Aegis was reinforcing the same tired old protect and minimize mentality. AoH was branching out into a new life, something different, massive change. And I got spooked and chose the other path. But I’m gonna correct that and keep going. Seductress and AoH is the stack going forward.

Also on the Seductress front. I bought a red nail polish the other day, just intuitively picked it out at random. Name of the color was power moves and I vibed with that, made me feel a little more feisty. Also created a profile on Bumble cuz I haven’t touched dating at all. I’m chatting with someone cool now. Lots of likes on my profile, but it makes me anxious. But I wanted to put myself out there more and see what happens. Too much of a self disgust echo chamber in my head lately and my own self image issues I have to confront.

#117

My therapist said I’m an entirely different person lately. And I know I’ve been doing a ton of heavy lifting but it’s nice getting confirmation from the outside.

More stuff is unraveling for me. Things I thought I figured out or processed but I didn’t. I still am not free to be myself out in the world, I still find myself limiting my expression. But I’m getting closer. And the more I do it feels like there’s this weight I don’t have to carry anymore.

Life has been really confusing for me. I can’t tell what has always been there or I’ve slowly cultivated because it makes me feel better. But honestly it doesn’t matter. I’m feeling happy as me and I’ve never been able to say that my entire life with a deep sense of knowing.

I’m filled with a weird mix of joy, sadness, and pain all at once. I’m glad I’m getting there, I’m glad I’m still relatively young. But I’m incredibly sad for the time I’ve lost. The contrast between what I’m feeling now and what I’ve felt then puts into perspective how much pain I still have to process. I couldn’t see that before.

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#118

I talk with my brothers a lot. Our way of going about life is interesting. They always tell me to play the game in terms of employment. Give the employer what they want, make it seem like you’re onboard with the emotional values or whatever they’re trying to squeeze out of people. But I’m doing things different. I’m just gonna be me, I’m gonna show up as me, no work persona, no masking, no trying to win the favor of anyone, no trying to fit in. As I am, you either want to hire me or you don’t and I’m not gonna contort myself to get hired.

Could I learn the game? Strategize? Learn to read people better? I could. But I’m lazy. That’s too much work for me. I’d rather be unapologetically me and be rewarded for it. That sounds better to me and that’s my trajectory I’m aiming for. I am tired, just the idea of engaging in that kind of roleplay out in the world exhausts me. So I know it’s a waste of energy.

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#119

Some insights today around relationships.

After talking with my therapist he told me I fit the criteria for anxious attachment style in relationships. And at first I thought I was more avoidant, which I am. But it’s only because I know deep down how absolutely chaotic my head can get with people. I don’t want to subject them to my neediness or reassurance seeking so I limit contact. Once I’m in relationships I over correct, read into things, and constantly try to avoid being rejected.

I’m doing deeper shadow work on this because I’ve always been like “yeah I get anxious but it’s fine, I can just correct it by being honest”. But the honesty is weird. It’s like “hey here’s the worst parts of me magnified, if this doesn’t scare you away then maybe we can vibe together”. But the problem with that is ANYONE can look problematic if you highlight the more difficult parts of their being. And I know this, deep down I know. I know how to scare people off.

And I’m really sitting with it now because I can put myself in new situations and make new friends, but it’s like I’m always battling something inside me. Friends and relationships are supposed to be enjoyable and I’ve struggled with that for a long time. Instead of being honest with how anxious I get, I tried to self manage by pretending I wasn’t that insecure underneath it all.

#120

1 min and lower volume seems to be giving me a much better time.

Yesterday I was contemplating things on a drive over to visit a friend of mine. I was like you know what? Moving forward I’m just gonna be a 10/10 and embody that. For a while I was like oh if I’m really objective about my looks I can make better decisions, avoid embarrassing myself, know what to improve upon more. The underlying message being I need to fix something about myself. It sucked, I had trouble expressing myself and I kept unintentionally putting myself into a box about what I could or couldn’t wear vs what I want to.

Part of it is also being worried about hate or criticism. Like walking around confident, being confident, I was worried people are gonna be like “why’s she so confident and why’s she think she’s even attractive? She has no reason to be”. I let that get in the way, I let there be a reason or a need for evidence to be confident vs just living it.

I’m going for a hairstyle consultation tomorrow. I haven’t had my hair cut or styled in about a year and I think I deserve a change to help me feel better about myself. Also I’m still finding me, my own personal style and how I want to appear in the world. I’ve just been following intuitive nudges and trying things when I feel them without thinking too much. Right now it’s a new hairstyle and some new glasses. The ones I currently have are ok, but I think I’m growing beyond wanting to be invisible. When I first started building up my wardrobe and style I was still really insecure so I chose a lot of safe stuff that in ways quite honestly weren’t flattering. But I’ve been feeling more hot, attractive, and adventurous so I want to embody that outwardly. I don’t have a job right now but I feel like the more confident I feel with myself and presenting in a way that’s comfortable for me will make my life easier, so I consider it an investment.

I think I’m just uncomfortable because I’ve been looking in the mirror and actually liking how I look. But then I worry, is this real? To look in the mirror and not have anxiety, dissociation, forcing myself to like what I see, it’s honestly something I never thought I could have.