Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#81

More intentional writing

I guess I’ll add on some thoughts to these so I can look back on them as well.

A few years back I decided to avoid expressing myself through my music because I felt like it would just land me into thematic ruts or I’d just get stuck with a certain sound. Looking back and even now there’s a lot of unresolved emotional distress. There’s a fear that if I allow it, it’ll just consume everything. But I know that’s just my poor relationship with my emotions and myself. So really whatever is expressed is expressed with my music and that’s how I want to approach things moving forward.

#82

Finished this one in about 4 hours which still is way too much time. There’s a lot of aspects of music production that are like a puzzle for me, what notes, sounds, shifting harmonies, what instruments command attention, so many things that can alter the perception of the track. Trying to shorten the bridge between that expression and the choices I make to express it. When I think about it, it’s like learning to speak another language. Whether or not what I say makes any sense is always a point of consideration though. What sounds obvious to me might not to others.

Other than that, just feeling incredibly sad lately. I’m learning to process my emotions better without tying meaning to them. It’s a weird thing. I’ve had so much anxiety over just having strong emotions I’d either distract myself or dive into intellectualizing where it comes from, but I just rarely let myself feel without some agenda. Intellectualizing is a way to be in control of what I feel.

Throughout all this I’m just affirming every day things are going to work out. My only real plan right now is just taking care of myself because I’ve neglected to do that for the past few years. I notice more growth in the direction I want when I stop to take care of myself. One day of being kind to myself grants me the ability to do more the next day. I guess it’s not ideal in terms of consistency, but I have to start somewhere. I’m really burned out and throwing myself back into the fire isn’t going to help. I just hate that I know this is 100% the right thing to do for my own mental health and well being, but here in the US you get punished for that and blamed.

In the past I lost my desire to live because I saw the world as the broken ass system I was stuck in. I recognize it’s not the world now, it’s just a combination of certain traits/beliefs and a predatory system left me a victim. But I understand there’s something beyond this, it just requires a lot of strength from me.

#83

There are two things I’m trying to build for myself right now. Distilled down to the simplest concept.

  1. Embrace good things in my life and look towards healthy environments at all times

  2. Know how to get out of unhealthy environments and keep myself safe while in them by not being manipulated or abused by others.

My life followed a pattern of avoiding negative situations and being really inflexible → subjecting myself to negative situations and shaming and guilting myself into staying in them to “grow a thicker skin” → Looking for positive situations and learning to navigate away from negative ones.

Something I’ve realized is that some people really don’t reflect internally. They don’t reflect on their actions, how they treat others, and they don’t care. So when I dealt with problematic people in the past and I had enough self awareness to understand what is harmful behavior I get labeled “sensitive”. Now I’ve accepted I’m finely tuned, I don’t need to get tougher or get used to tolerating things like that. I can just remove myself or stand up for myself. I’m not gonna numb myself out to tolerate crappy behavior.

#84

Maybe you’d like this read sometimes later:

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2 Likes
#85

From which book is this from? Very intriguing text.

#86

Its 48 laws of power

#87

Thanks. Great. This book is already on my reading list. It will jump ahead, thanks to your sample :grinning:

1 Like
#88

I never got around to reading this book. But wow yeah, that’s a good guideline.

#89

How can I be “me” without being given the chance to be me? It’s not fair to hold myself to such a ridiculous standard and expect myself to just magically understand all my motivations, desires, and life paths just because within the past year I decided to take steps towards acceptance of myself.

And maybe I hold myself to that because some people don’t understand it and want to criticize me for it. But I don’t need to listen to them. My experience in life is different and I don’t need to explain that to anyone who has no genuine interest in understanding.

I’ve been so hung up on my appearance too. Like I worry what if I’m just delusional and trying to make myself feel better? But then would it be so bad to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful even though others don’t? What value is there in thinking I’m being objective with my appearance and simultaneously tearing myself down? I don’t know why I do that. I could choose to practice appreciating my beauty but on some level it feels incredibly vain and egotistical to do that. Am I afraid of being attractive? Or am I afraid of believing I’m attractive when I’m not?

A lot of insecurities. But I think it really can’t hurt just looking in the mirror every day and reminding myself I’m beautiful. The worst thing that happens is it doesn’t do much, but it’s far better than picking out every flaw I see and hyper fixating on it.

#90

I was hanging out with my friend and she was telling me I look like a woman and that I’m not seeing myself clearly. That’s 3 people in my life telling me that so far. And im having a hell of a time seeing it in the mirror or photos. My mistake was thinking it would just happen. When really I kept repeating the same statements that affirmed how I thought I saw myself and thought it would change. So going forward I’m going to be very conscious of what I tell myself when I see myself.

#91

I’ve been serious, planning, life or death mentality for most of my life. I’m just about done with that. Yes give me the skills to send bad people packing, but I want my focus on the beautiful parts of life. I can’t keep letting harmful people ruin my experience of life.

I’m also starting to accept more what it means to be trans and unpacking all the hateful stuff I unconsciously directed inwards in regards to that. I wanted to blend in, I wanted to pretend I was cis, I wanted to be “normal”. But I’m not and I never will be. I’m just me. And I discovered the only reason I wanted to blend in was so I wouldn’t be othered, but then I thought you know why should I fight so hard when it’s other people who discriminate against me? Why is the burden placed on me? Why am I held to such a ridiculous standard when it’s ME who has to do a shit ton of heavy lifting to just correct aspects of myself that bring me discomfort? I’m given enough of a challenge just feeling comfortable in my own body, I’m not going to keep bending over backwards so other people can be comfortable.

How my life unfolded, I just got pushed further and further out from normalcy. I’m at a point now where I’m like fuck it, why do I even want in or recognition from others? How’s that going to add value to my own life? It won’t. Even worse it puts my own self worth in the hands of others who can choose to reject me or hate me. I won’t play that game.

I never really believed in destiny, life paths, or anything of that sort. But I can’t help but feel I was given a lesson, not about facing hardship or rejection, but embracing the idea of living authentically and having that be a source of strength vs a liability. And even if that’s not true, that’s how I’m viewing life now because years and years of trying to get myself to fit and the pain that caused has taught me it is not worth it.

#92

It’s not enough to think positive. I have to also be able to face adversity and not be swallowed up in it. I’m trying to do better for myself, but I’m struggling with a lot right now. I decided I’m going to drop vibes for now and switch over to emperor executive.

There is no correlation between hard work and where you end up in life. If there was it would be more consistent and it’s not. Hard work is an ingredient. Aligned intention + hard work = energy into something. But guaranteed there are people out there with only aligned intention that get what they want without hard work. Hard work is a manipulation tactic, a carrot on a stick, a fairy tale that generations have passed on under the assumption it has inherent truth to it or is a universal law. It’s a human concept. It’s a tool like anything else, knowing when to use it is the important part.

#93

Actually, hmmm. I think I’m gonna run AoH instead of EE. I don’t think the problem is doing things, I think I’m just afraid of life collapsing on me and having that drive my decisions vs happiness. There’s so much uncertainty in my life right now and I can’t let fear push me towards bad decisions. I want to strengthen my skill to cultivate happiness and joy so I stay on the right path for my life.

My internal mindset has fueled a lot of my dissatisfaction with life. Focusing on survival more than my own well being has hurt me a lot. I also fear if I focus on happiness too much my life will unravel, I’ll stop caring, be reckless, make poor decisions, etc. I know that’s not true. I know it’s just fear and I have to challenge that by committing to a mindset shift.

#94

Oh I just realized something. I swapped out my headphones recently and started getting better results. Gonna switch my audio interface too since I’m back to writing music in a computer. I didn’t make the connection with the headphones. Interesting.

#95

Idk if this is manipulus or seductress but I am digging in hard to insecurities around my body and how the cosmetics and beauty industry has done a number on me. It’s important I know exactly what I want to improve upon to make myself feel better vs a type of fomo or unrelenting fear that these industries prey upon.

The problem is I could be like screw fashion and makeup and beauty standards and all that. But then that would just be quitting on improving myself. It’s that little moment of wanting to do something nicer for myself and learn something new or try something new that can be like a little crack where the insecurities start. And then I’m vulnerable to the marketing, the fear, other people’s perceptions. It’s hard to toe that line between not giving a fuck and also giving enough of a fuck to give myself the best.

#96

@RVconsultant I’m starting to use my biotuner again. I was wondering if you had any experience with the different modes? I haven’t experimented a lot but would love to know your experience!

#97

Ran AoH this morning. Hit me pretty hard. Had a lot of emotional release. Still felt upset after crying, but in a free way like I’m allowed to be upset and there’s not that nagging feeling of “what are you doing? This doesn’t accomplish anything, nobody cares”. I’ve been feeling like I need to figure out or have a plan for life and I really don’t. Unless that plan prioritizes me and stuff I really want, 90% of the time it’s just planning so I’m not in a worse off situation. I noticed a lot of anger with the lopsided power dynamics with employment and the refusal to pay livable wages unless you’re valuable with some really important skillset which I loathe. I didn’t even apply for a job today because they specified there would be 4 rounds of interviews and their salary range was 50k to 70k. Not wasting my time with them just to be told that upper number isn’t allowed to be given out.

But I felt bad and then just wrote this short track. No real goal or deeper expression I guess, just practicing the playfulness concept from AoH more. Write as much as it feels good, avoid being critical, and don’t worry about the finished product. That was my goal and I think I did pretty well.

#98

Seductress is hitting me hard and has me dissecting real stuff. The pressures I’m facing now are stemming from the need to be accepted or avoid judgement. But I keep thinking I have to do something other than live as myself. I just wish I was born a woman so I could just do whatever I want and people wouldn’t hold every single action of mine underneath a magnifying glass looking for male behaviors. That’s been a lot of pressure in my life and the other day I broke because a friend of mine said my body language didn’t appear feminine. At that point I’m just like fuck all this. I didn’t choose to be this way and I’m just doing the best I can. If I have to micro manage every facet of how I come across in order to be perceived a certain way then that’s a certain type of hell I don’t want.

I’m so twisted up. I’ve got the performative stuff I took on just to attempt to blend in as a guy (which I sucked at) and my authentic self. And they’re all jumbled together and I just don’t want that confusion anymore. Even more I just want to stop giving a fuck about what people think of me and letting that determine how I exist in this world. Some people will always hate me, want me dead, make fun of me, see me as less of a person, but I don’t want to keep going through life having all that weigh me down.