Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#61

AoH definitely seemed promising. I was forced out of my job back in January and I was really optimistic about turning things around for my life. It helped me deal with that blow. But it all went pretty downhill from there after being unemployed for a few months now.

But I’m going to focus on one sub, my name embedded Seductress title. Just one. Out of every sub in the store this one speaks to me the most and is the most important to me. I think as afraid as I am to run this and get nowhere I have to at least try. I have to do something different in my life. I don’t want to keep waiting to feel better before I’m allowed to be myself.

#62

Ok so after running just Seductress alone I realized this is a really heavy title for me. So the overwhelm I was feeling was stacking recon on top of recon. The good news is, I’m able to discern where the recon is coming from more and work with it after one loop.

Yesterday a university job scheduled an interview next week with me. So that felt good. I haven’t gotten any interviews except one for months now. It was crushing me pretty bad.

I started a course to polish up my skillset and see where I was at in terms of knowledge. Re-assessed my own career goals. Do I even want more responsibilities that come with sys admin or higher level roles? Letting go of that pressure to keep climbing some career ladder or proving my worth in society. I started thinking more in terms of what will allow me to live comfortably while still giving me energy to pursue my music?

Feels like my self image has improved a bit. I’m still struggling with some stuff but I’m feeling more grounded in my body. I noticed some stuff coming up around wanting to be more attractive but then feeling shame about that. So I’m being gentle with that one. But overall it feels like I’m just giving myself freedom to explore myself more without ridiculous demands.

#63

Everything is still really difficult to process with subs. Realizing that now. I’ve also been overdoing my neurofeedback with my therapist. I need to change my approach with everything in my life. It’s hard because I associate consistent stable growth with going too slow and running out of time. But me overloading myself with everything and trying to push through pain has been the worst strategy I’ve learned in my entire life. It’s always been this “I’ll suffer now and reap the rewards later”. Well later never comes, I just make myself worse and potentially retraumatize myself all the while hoping I have some breakthrough. It’s a pattern that actually results in me not growing, yet I’ve been stuck with it for years.

I just ran a 10s loop of my name embed to see what type of recon it brings up and how it goes processing it. Starting really really small. Reworking my whole approach with my subliminal usage.

#64

  1. Framework/system stabilization and understanding all parts

  2. Be willing to engage in new experiences

  3. Reconcile the difference between former experience and newer ones.

  4. Build a new reference point that aligns with how the system should run.

  5. Enter a positive feedback loop where habits promote growth and move towards a better life. Utilizing the same underlying difficulty of breaking out of harmful habits to move forward in a positive direction that’s automatic.

I’m still stuck at 1 and have been ignoring it. Admittedly thats not as simple as one step. My whole life has involved avoiding emotions, every solution I have devised for myself in life operated from the premise that I could somehow do the right thing, make the right change, find some magic combination that skips that step. I guess it’s just fitting that my mind thought there could be a better alternative in what amounted to procrastinating being a whole person.

A question I ask myself a lot. Do I have a poorly developed sense of self and that’s why existence confuses me sometimes and I have a hard time being in it? Or am I more tuned into how malleable that sense of self is and it gets into the concept of what being conscious actually is? Personally I’m going with the first. I think when things go sideways it’s easy to get stuck in the why vs what. As in what can I do to make this feel like an existence that has meaning to me personally.

#65

I was reflecting on my decision to drop my HoT custom. I don’t know if that was the right decision or not. I just got really discouraged after a while because I wasn’t sure if it was doing anything for me outside of mental changes and I felt maybe focusing in on practical aspects of improvement would help more.

I think I’m gonna add it in again. I don’t know if it’s working or will work with what I’m trying to do. But I don’t want to accept these things about my body. People will be like “oh you have to appreciate your body, you should accept what nature gave you” Fuck that, I don’t like this I’m changing it. I thought practicing body positivity and trying to be more loving towards what I have was the answer. It just objectively made me feel worse.

If something distresses me and I don’t like it why shouldn’t I be able to change it? That’s my life in a nutshell trying to convince myself I can think my way out of that distress and I can’t. Why should I compromise? Why should other people be allowed to feel good in their bodies but I have to do all these mental gymnastics to offset my distress from my physical appearance? It gets me so angry when people are privileged in some way and speak to others as if they have some answers. Sometimes you do have to change your body to feel better and that’s fine. Maybe YOU don’t have to, but that doesn’t invalidate the need for other people.

#66

Yeah going back to this custom. I’m looking back on my past few months and this custom was helping me make a lot of changes then I pivoted because I wanted more physical shifting. But I’m looking at it again and there’s a lot more relevant stuff in here thata would help towards physical shifting and all the changes I’m looking to make.

Going to be starting at 30s and take it easy

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core
New Physical Shifting Experience Core
Untouchable
Stress Displacement
Safety Net
Pride Unbroken
Path of Forgiveness
New Dawn
Negativity Displacer
Negative Energy Transmutation
Mosaic
Manipulus
Inner Voice
Homeostasis
Fenrir
Fearsome
Divine Self-Image
Courage Reclaimed
Codename: Umbra
Attachment Destroyer

#67

Weird how I didn’t even run this custom and yet it has me reflecting on things.

I love that I’m empathetic, that I try to see the good in the most complicated people. I just wish I learned how to protect myself better. To be able to extend love and compassion is not weakness, but how I’ve gone about it has been.

The solution in the past was to close off that pathway because I thought it brought me harm. And I guess technically it can attract some bad people. But I don’t want to dull my light in this world just because someone else sees that as weakness or an opportunity to manipulate. To do that I think I have to fortify my own boundaries and understand I can hold compassion for individuals while also telling them they can’t be part of my life because of how I feel.

Boundaries are important but so is enforcement of those boundaries. I just regret never internalizing that lesson on a self protective level. Everything in my life has been others first before myself.

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#68

Formula for a happy life

  • Identify goals, passion, purpose, fulfillment
  • Take action towards them
  • Navigate the choppy waters of harmful individuals
  • Avoid fear based decision making

I would say those last two bullet points weigh the heaviest on me. And to make it worse there are individuals who capitalize on fear based behaviors to extract something from me at the expense of my own well being.

Right now I’m being mindful of points of leverage working against me.

  • Money. I need money/employment. Employers know this. Some employers want to lowball me because they can get away with it because money is necessary for survival. I hate this.

  • Losing employment after getting it. Threat of being fired if I don’t perform tasks to their liking. Again, needing to pay rent, needing health insurance, needing money for food. Do this or we take away your means of surviving. Not an easy survival fear to counteract.

  • Subconscious biases against me due to how I look. It happens, it’s gonna happen. No amount of positive thinking will negate that. I would rather make peace with that vs trying to create some artificial bubble that can pop at any time. One is empowering, one puts me at the mercy of external circumstances to maintain a beneficial state. Doesn’t mean I won’t do everything in my power to blend in better.

Overall I don’t want to constantly prepare for adverse situations and circumstances. But it doesn’t hurt to have the ammo ready to go if the need arises. I think it’s about building up my skills in navigating manipulation and abuse while also making sure the goal is positive future events focused and the teeth come out only when needed.

I had problems with Fenrir and Fearsome before because it triggered a focused fight or flight state where I was hyper vigilant. I’m hoping this time around I can balance it better.

#69

The balance between showing up with my needs and accepting the possibility someone might not want that in their life and there’s nothing I can do. And hiding it or trying to fawn my way around it is going to lead to people not wanting me in their life. The irony of me doing everything possible to not be rejected causing that rejection.

It hurts because I know I’m not emotionally healthy, I know I’m a bit wounded, I know I have difficulty with relationships. But that’s the truth and I need people in my life who get that. I have to be more willing to be upfront even if that means them deciding I’m too much work. Everyone deserves healthy relationships, it can be a painful self reflection to look in the mirror and realize I’m the one who’s unhealthy and people might want to steer clear of that. They have every right to, nobody owes me anything.

#70

This custom is actually really good. The past few days I’ve just been trying to be more honest with everyone in my life regardless of consequences. The fear that brings up is being addressed with more supportive self talk, forgiveness, and understanding.

Last night I went in my inner self and basically talked to all different parts of myself. But with no agenda. I just was genuinely curious to know how they felt and what they were struggling with.

I’ve learned the manager perfectionist part has been the most influential these past few months. Trying to get everything perfect handling my complex identity issues, finding a new job, and moving. The problem is it causes a rigid inflexibility. I can’t see when I need help or support or even be open to it. And needing help or being vulnerable is a core fear that makes me lean in the other direction. Which would be ok I guess if it worked but it doesn’t.

So we’re all gonna continue to talk and learn from each other. The level of disconnect in my own mind is really interesting. It’s like little individuals each with their own stories from my past.

#71

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I suffered some developmental trauma. Significant enough to really screw up a lot of aspects of my life. My goal years ago was to heal it all, prove to myself and the world that those things don’t have to hold someone back. But the more research I do, the more I learn about the very physical nature of trauma on a developing mind both in the conceptual and physical sense, I think maybe I need to let this go.

This desire to be beyond it is at its core shame. Shame that I reacted so strongly to adverse situations. That it hurt me that much and caused the ripples in my life. I kept thinking if only I could just fix all of it, it would take away all that time I lost in my life. But I didn’t stop to think, maybe I can’t. Maybe that’s why it’s been so painful because I keep reaching for this thing that’s just an illusion. You take that away and what am I left with? Painful truth that I still haven’t confronted.

That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe I’ve been burning so much energy towards that path that was never going to work and now I can use that for real tangible things that will make me happy. Like understanding myself and my deeper needs because of these things and how to get that met with people in my life without needing to hide it.

#72

Metaphorically in my mind today I just did the equivalent of aggressively sweeping a table of random papers and books off a desk onto the floor. I’m really worn out of always seeking the why.

The why is not going to get me anywhere. The why is what I turn to when I can’t validate my own experiences. The why was so important at a certain point in my life to accurately convey my struggles and being able to present things so I don’t get dismissed.

I’m trying to observe and listen more and see what’s actually there.

I re-downloaded my modular VSTs for making music in a DAW. My hardware has been all packed up and I’ve just been wanting an outlet. Sometimes I think I stubbornly hang onto the hardware because I’m convinced in the long run it’ll be faster once I learn the ins and outs. And I guess that’s true. But I guess a more flexible approach can’t hurt, sometime working in hardware, sometimes software. Why limit myself? I guess I’ve kinda felt like a failure for struggling to work with my MPC1000. But at the same time I’ve always struggled with writing full pieces of music, it’s still difficult for me. Hardware, software, doesn’t make a difference I learned it’s def some intrinsic to me I have to work out because whatever I touch I run into the same issues.

#73

I’ve been kind of upset lately with the fact that making music is a struggle for me. And I also realized that my motivation for progressing some kind of professional career is absolutely in the toilet with regards to what I’ve been doing for a job. The longer I’m unemployed, the more I keep losing any desire to go back to whatever that was.

So a friend of mine suggested committing to a piece of music every day for 6 weeks. I’m giving it a shot and just uploading it to youtube to track my progress.

In order to make this work I’m using mostly romplers and really basic synths. No super in depth sound design, just flexing my arrangement muscles and making the most with limitations. Also getting over my perfectionism.

So initial thoughts, I said only 2 subs. But damnit I want to run vibes. So I guess I’m back to three titles.

I just can’t choose. My appearance is important to me. My confidence as a woman is important to me. My music is important to me. I can’t just focus on one goal. I need all of them.

I hit a point today where I’m just like fuck it. I really have nothing else in my life going for me so I might as well lean into the music because it’s the only thing I’ve ever truly cared about. I watched a video today from a producer and she had mentioned 20 years of experience. I got insanely depressed because I’ve been making music in some capacity for close to 10 years. And it doesn’t show, at all. So yeah I could be upset with myself and lament over my wasted time. But I decided no, lets do something.

I’m really far away from what I want and I kept avoiding that. But what’s the point of living life if I’m not living it for myself and in alignment with what gives me fulfillment?

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#74

Sounds Dope :+1:

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#75

Ended up staying up till 2AM yesterday because I got a late start on this one lol. I ran 30s vibes earlier in the day, definitely felt some subtle shifts that let me get some chord progressions right.

I got some free VSTis I was trying out that came free with an 80s drum sample kit.

Everything after this is probably going to dip in quality. I put too much energy into this. The goal was building a more instinctive less thought out ability to make music. I like how it turned out. But if I keep going at this rate I’ll burn out fast.

My problem is I’m good at refinement, but lose big picture. So I’m taking refinement off the table for now and the quality is gonna suffer for a bit. But I need to do that in order to build up an arguably more important skillset which is just letting myself go creatively even if it sounds terrible.

I don’t want to get too attached to these. I guess this is a bit of practicing letting go of needing every single thing I create to be good. This is the stuff nobody really tells you about when you get into music and it’s even worse with electronic music because you can spend HOURS tweaking and perfecting as a way to procrastinate.

#76
#77

Quite amazing how I did everything the exact opposite of what I want in my life. Now I’m just trying to break that habit. I have to shake myself and be like YOU DONT NEED TO DO THAT.

Also just immensely frustrated how my timing of losing my job was this bad. Like I couldn’t have picked a worse time in this political climate right now.

Also honestly fuck the AI boom. As a tool for specific tasks I like it. But it’s caused mediocrity across the board with so many things. And the morally bankrupt individuals who keep pushing it beyond what it’s capable of, I hope their bubble collapses.

#78

My therapist had advised me to try being intentional with my music as a way to heal. So I made some aggro stuff the other day. Couldn’t quite get it to squeal like I wanted, but I hit my cutoff point where I started getting too deep in the weeds with sound design. I can always come back to it later. For now just continuing onward.

#79

Lost my music streak. I think that’s ok. As long as I get back on track. The irony of trying to beat perfectionism by being perfectionist at staying with goals. Rigidity and inflexibility leads to the “I failed once, it’s over mentality”. Whether it’s one missed day or a week, I won’t let those setbacks determine my future success.

I have to remind myself this music project is about reconnecting with creativity and giving myself the ability to write fully. Not about performance or how good something is. I’m also focusing on working fast. No more than 5 minutes thinking about things, going by intuition. Part of my other goal is to break this belief that something completed really fast can’t be good art. That if I don’t spend an excessive amount of time and detail on something it is worthless. And finally letting go. Knowing when to let go of something is important. Determining what is desire to make something better with focused intent vs insecurity at saying it’s done.

So a lot of this has been helping ground me a bit. Music I’ve realized is really important to my well being. And not just a joyful activity. I mean the level of calm it brings to my mind, integrates ideas, and helps me process emotions. It’s my meditation I guess.

Aside from the music. I’ve still been struggling with self image issues a lot. And I think I struggle with body dysmorphia to some extent. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even really tell what is just general body insecurities vs dysphoria from gender incongruence and being reminded of male features. It’s been hell. I did read something validating though. A lot of body positivity messages aren’t trans inclusive, meaning some of those messages stem from this idea that there’s nothing wrong and we can just accept our flaws and whatnot. It misses the mark and actually invites shame because it reminds me of the times none of this was taken seriously and my own comfort in my body was hand waved away.

So yeah been a bit messy lately. I’m up to 1 min now on seductress and my custom. Might go back to 50s since this was just a little bit too intense for 1 min. Good insights, but lots of emotional upheaval that interrupted my day.

#80

Gonna start an exercise routine soon to feel better about myself. I’ve been noticing since running HoT and Seductress I’ve been more toned without really doing anything. Initially I wanted to lose more muscle, but maybe deep down having a fit strong physique is what I really wanted. I think I’ve got some unhealthy body image issues I’m still working through.

In any case I think for a while I had no idea what I was focused towards physically shifting to. Or if I did have goals, they were very much in the realm of moving away from myself. It’s been tough appreciating features that make me, well me. But today I sort of felt like I’m getting closer to this plan of building into my best self and it’s kind of exciting what unique expression I’ll be able to showcase in the world vs trying to attain some image I feel I should be. In a way it feels like I’m giving up on physical shifting by appreciating my features, as crazy as that sounds. But I’ve realized after almost a year on HoT, it’s generally better to first change my mentality towards myself and learn to love how I look and then see what I REALLY need or want to change. Otherwise it’s way too easy to feel like everything needs to be drastically different. And at that point it just invites self loathing and continual nitpicking that devolves into feeling awful. Plus it’s easier to focus energy on highly specific changes instead of some vague idea of “I need to look better”.

Good developments for me. Interestingly enough I think Singularity’s Paradox is helping a bit. In order to move forward towards a body I want, I have to accept parts of my body as they are. In order to change more I have to change less. That can be conflicting because it simultaneously feels like giving up and moving forward into something better.