Interview wasn’t too bad. I flopped on some technical terms. I can solve complex problems, but ask me standard textbook definitions and I struggle. So that gives me some performative interview stuff to work on.
This was my first professional experience not disclosing anything about me being trans. It was tough. I would say the lead up to the interview had me anxious not because of the technical but the fact that I was on video.
Nobody really needs to know any of that and I’m at a point where sometimes I pass and sometimes I don’t. So being able to maybe fly under the radar and have nobody question my gender is the ideal scenario. Whether or not I can get that I don’t know.
So it’s kinda rough. Not knowing what type of discrimination I might face.
I think I figured out exposure amount and subs, how I respond to them and why recon happens for me.
After running 1 min loops this past week which I thought I was good with, it became clearer as the week went on I was processing some, but the rest was stacking in delayed overload. I’m recovering from that now.
I’ve noticed the more exposure I get, the deeper within myself I go. Like too much attention is drawn inward, this isn’t something I can counterbalance with outside action though because the pull feels like it’s coming from another level I can’t control. It’s too strong, action is not the solution to relieve it.
This isn’t necessarily “bad”, it’s all situational. That deep level of inward introspection is immensely valuable. But like a lot of things with the subconscious and habits, the things done aren’t necessarily going to match up to the outside world. In an ideal world I could go deeper and deeper, not having to worry about maintaining balance in the outside world or survival. But that’s not possible for most people. So it’s important for me to balance that inward introspection to a point where it’s just enough to balance with the needs of the outside world.
I believe this is the deciphered message of this. Which was expressed in what I now look back on as a very heavy recon fueled day
My mistake was after really sitting on this message from my subconscious I failed to realize this isn’t something I have to consciously focus on changing or steer. It’s just a matter of correcting the exposure amount so there’s a balance between inward exploration and outward exploration. If I enter the mirror loop, I know I’ve gone too far.
Still learning a lot about these subliminals and self growth. It’s very easy to enter an illusion of depth and growth for me if I get lost in that mirror loop. Letting go of this idea of pain = more growth will have to be the single most important change I make moving forward. Pain can equally just be reverberations of unresolved emotional conflicts and going the wrong direction.
How can I be so full of myself that I think people are constantly looking at me or judging me, yet also have such a low self image of myself and feel not good enough in the eyes of others?
So much of my life has revolved around what others think.
Why can’t I just let this go? I don’t understand. I have fought this for years. It’s like an awful domino effect where I just dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole, make myself smaller and smaller, sure nothing bad happens but also nothing really happens. And along the way I’m pushed and pulled by the reactions of others to form the habits and conditioning to avoid the pain of being myself at the expense of being myself.
Gonna embrace messiness. Vulnerability. Uncertainty. And just continue to grow.
I expend an enormous amount of energy trying to get it all perfect. In the end nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever actually better or improved from following this mindset. I’m just a human, a messy human and there’s no way to circumvent that. I’ve been doing this self improvement thing for years now looking for this illusive end state and it just doesn’t exist. More importantly it doesn’t have to exist. My pain has always existed because I thought I had to be more than this, that I had to overcome something, that there was something I had to avoid.
There was always that fear. What if I just… stopped? Gave up on whatever this quest was. The answer, I’d be imperfect, flawed, accept that the goal I had set in my head for years was an impossible thing. Not even a limiting belief, literally impossible. Impossible for anyone to attain because nobody can attain perfection.
That’s been my shield I guess. So long as I continued on this quest for some mythical destination I could continue to turn away from my more vulnerable parts and my innermost deep and vulnerable emotions I couldn’t even look at without disgust. Is it possible to procrastinate being a person? I feel like I’ve done exactly that. I did not earn that right until I hit some imaginary benchmark that oh so conveniently wasn’t even a possibility giving me an excuse to shy away from everything.
Given that, it’s so clear why I have a tendency to overexpose on the subs now. The irony of pushing so hard to enact a change in order to avoid change. My listening habits were structured around that idealistic fake goal vs the real one in front of me.
The biggest difficulty though. Is me putting down that perfection feels like failure. Admitting defeat. Not trying hard enough. I was supposed to be that. My mind is so twisted.
I decided to go for a name embed major with seductress.
I chose the module Singularity’s Paradox. I felt this would be a good module given my little pondering of a consciousness paradox a few days ago without introducing something that could throw off the whole title with recon.
@SaintSovereign I’m curious if there is anything in Seductress that would have inspired that message I wrote a few days ago you had commented on? Otherwise it’s a little weird that these past few days my mind has been working on unraveling perceived paradoxes inside myself. I also had no idea of this module existing prior to this morning. It very well could be a coincidence that I randomly had that abstract expression and it aligned with the module and my mind is rationalizing all this after the fact. But that’s a hell of a coincidence to me.
Even if the external world was exactly the same tomorrow, what if you woke up tomorrow, and all these issues-problems-concerns-etc you have were just gone?
I think I’d know by feeling like I was exercising free will at every given moment. Decisions would be made from a more intuitive place and understanding of what will benefit my life. My self expression would be unhindered, I’d exist in the world without feeling like I’m taking up space I shouldn’t. I’d be able to interact with everyone around me and not feeling like I had to hide a part of myself. I’d be able to feel my emotions freely without any sort of guilt or shame attached to them.
I really thought I was past this. This is fawning behavior from cptsd. I have to take a more honest look at myself. I almost destroyed a relationship recently because of this.
I’ve been destroying my life because of this. I was thinking about if I get a job offer feeling bad about turning it down. Like would I really take a job because I felt guilty about turning it down? Apparently my mind entertained that. This is so annoying, how I just bend unconsciously to positions of authority. How is it that my first instinctual response is to consider others needs over my own. That’s zero levels of self preservation.
I’ve been building on top of this trauma response vs addressing it directly and letting my life expand outward from that. I need to start taking it more seriously and question where behaviors come from when interacting with others.
The only thing I’ve done, truly for myself was taking steps to align my gender. Everything in my life before that was for others, everything.
I’m going to start taking steps to just doing what I want. Even if it doesn’t work out, even if I’m not sure. But the important thing is doing it for me vs some people pleasing goal. Real self care.
All this thinking, planning, trying to figure out. It’s all been me trying to figure out how to do everything right so I don’t face rejection. I’ve practiced endlessly building up fears and horrible self talk, now it’s time to build up positivity and feeling good about myself. And I can do that, it’s just habits. I am so 100% good at making myself feel terrible, all I have to do is flip that and I’ve got a powerful tool. The energy is there, it’s just pointing in the wrong direction.
Sorry to interrupt, BUT isn’t it all about building a healthy and strong self-image that’s immune to others’ attacks? That ‘pleasing’ part of you is nothing more than another (and the most vicious) self-defense mechanism aimed at protecting your current self-image. But, ironically, it keeps that image petrified while you desperately need to evolve. Moreover, it’s entirely paradoxical, like you mentioned here:
It stems from your survival mode, yet it belittles you — destroys you.
Fuck external validation — it only damages you, mate. You need to find a way to validate your self-image internally by fully embracing your identity — who you really are at the core. Maybe you’ve already found it, and if so, it’s just about being merciless in walking that path, no matter the pain.
We will always face it, since all humans are selfish and ego-centric (only the degree varies). On top of that, many people thrive on rejecting and belittling others, as it helps them soothe their own insecurities and gives them the illusion of fixing their own complexes and improving their leaky self-image. Therefore, every rejection should build your resolve and make you more and more merciless in walking your path.
Perhaps a glimpse into my own journey could help clarify my message:
The keywords here are: evolving through tauma and trauma weaponized.
For me no. It’s that desire for immunity that continues the fight inside I no longer want to keep engaging in. I don’t want to be immune I want emotions to pass through me, I want to develop healthy coping mechanisms, if something hurts I’d rather be honest about it hurting vs pretending it doesn’t. I would say my aversions to feeling emotions did more damage than just going through them. I want strength in vulnerability. I want to stop with these internal games of conquering, beating, overcoming, fighting. I’m tired and this narrative doesn’t do anything to inspire me. I can only speak for myself, but my desire to become immune or bulletproof was another act of fear.
This i agree. Except the pain. Like I said above this is a wounded warrior tale that I don’t want to be a part of. This is like not seeing the forest for the trees for me. When the pain becomes the focus, the identity. I’ve been there and I don’t want it. Pushing through pain has gotten me nothing in life but more pain, it’s a false correlation and one that’s often repeated in society for no reason other than it exists as a phenomenon for some people. If people can alchemize that and use it as fuel for growth more power to them. But I’m choosing a different path for myself.
I got my hopes up with an apartment and spoke with the landlord on the phone. I didn’t meet her criteria. From there it was just downhill. I hit a spiral I couldn’t get out of. This one event just broke me because it triggered a lifetime of constantly feeling like I was trying and failing all the time. Then what I can only assume was the carpe vitam module having an effect with trying to cultivate a drive to get things done. But that made me feel even worse because now I was having flashbacks to being an emotional heap of a mess that happened very often when I was younger and the ensuing guilt of not doing enough vs taking care of myself. Or having my parents criticize my life.
I’m switching over to the HoT standard title to see if recon is this bad again. If not I’ve most definitely found an important factor to avoid with subs. I’m guessing it might be ADHD related and how people who struggle with that are treated as being unmotivated or lazy and try to force them into action out of frustration vs understanding. I have a horribly abusive inner critic when it comes to that.
So yeah another custom for the graveyard I am the queen of terrible custom building.
The irony is I feel this realization and need to pivot off this custom was brought to me by this custom.
Asked Claude about this based solely on the module description. Obviously the “extreme” language it refers to is not an accurate assessment of what’s in the script. But it relates to some points I had considered so I feel like avoiding it would be in my best interest.
Potential Negative Reactions
The intense focus on “extreme” motivation and “relentless” pursuit could potentially trigger negative responses in someone with CPTSD, as it may:
Reinforce unhealthy perfectionism that’s common in trauma survivors
Create pressure that could increase anxiety rather than motivation
Trigger feelings of inadequacy or failure if the person doesn’t experience the promised effects
For someone with ADHD specifically:
The “extreme” language might exacerbate tendency toward hyperfocus at the expense of balance
Could potentially increase frustration if executive function challenges prevent the person from channeling the motivation effectively
This hurts especially since I just want to get on with my life. But I can’t.
I’m dropping everything and only running Regeneration for a few months.
I realized I’ve been stacking on top of a shaky foundation. Coming to this forum, writing about experiences that feel good but are part of the problem. I validate through these improvements and when I don’t get them it all falls apart. Or even worse I cling onto them and know deep down I didn’t hit enough core change to actually help me personally in my life for myself.
Why I hate healing.
Society hates healing. People dislike individuals that exhibit struggle because it’s a fear. That you can try very hard for a very long time and still struggle. All because of a random set of circumstances that totally screwed up your development path. No two people are alike, people would rather assume there’s a default template and if you exhibit struggle you are the one to blame.
Healing means taking even more time away from a life I didn’t get to live to correct things that weren’t my responsibility to begin with. That hurts because I’m already aware of how much time I’ve lost. That in itself is a heavy burden on the mind. At least when I run subs that are specific to my goals there’s at least some illusion that I’m on a path somewhere. But it is mostly an illusion, born out of the experiences that make me feel I have to get somewhere else before being ok at a baseline level.
I should have cut my losses a year or two ago and went down this path. But again I wanted to think I could just get past everything if I kept going. That disdain people hold for people who struggle was projecting inward towards me and putting me on this hamster wheel of hell.
But I’m going to break this cycle. I’m going to do something for myself for once in my life vs measuring up every action to how I fit in society.
I’m also stacking Paragon with Regeneration. I figure if my nervous system is all out of wack from the stress in my life it would be important to focus on that too. So begins my rather unexciting recovery phase of my life, but it has to be done.
Hmmmm. I don’t think it’s a good idea to run it for me.
For a few reasons. I don’t really know what’s in the scripting. If there are references to intelligence, optimization, being better, etc. All subjects that trigger my perfectionist tendencies which have quite thoroughly ruined my life. There’s no mention of pacing like in Regeneration, I don’t know how aggressive this will feel on my mind. I also don’t have the luxury of experimenting with subs right now since my life is already really difficult. QL stage 1 could potentially help me out, but I can’t know that for sure.
I much prefer Regeneration because it centers around my own timeline for healing, something I’ve never gotten in my life. It has no ultimate end goal except feeling better and living a fulfilling inner life. It’s completely inner focused. QL Stage 1 feels like I can “fail” the sub, Regeneration just feels like deeper exploration and self care.
Lol right. I meant QL as a whole the main focus is cognitive enhancement. I know for sure that is not an easily tolerated subject. So I can’t know if even in stage 1 there are references to building that and it would make it difficult to run for me.
I think I will give that a shot and leave out Paragon for now so I can focus on my emotional well being.
I’ve really hit a low recently. All my plans, all my thinking I was knowing where I was going or what was best for me has been shattered. It was just more expectations and crap I was putting on myself. I realized I don’t even live a fulfilling life in the smallest of ways. Whatever satisfaction I was deriving out of it was largely fueled by the approval of others.
So I just wanted to start over and take care of myself. Without some of the overly ambitious goals of these other subs. I came to realize I wasn’t ready for any of that. No matter how much I wish I was, it didn’t change that fact. I regret ever making journals on this forum sometimes because I put a self imposed pressure on myself to always seem like I was progressing in some way. The circumstances surrounding my life right now, I’m back in the same hole I was 7 years ago and that was a huge blow to my self esteem. Same patterns, same avoidance, same self defeating behavior and doubts and fears about other people. It makes me wonder if I even did anything with these subs over the course of my life.
I am the queen of terrible custom building.