Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#21

So some results with seductress that I’ve been loving. A lot of it just intuitive guidance that sorta just works. And I’m looking forward to seeing how more of it develop. Some physical stuff too? Hard to tell.

I figured out the reason I struggle with foundation shades is because they are too pigmented most of the time. I’m more of a muted color, possible olive undertones. But I’ve started learning how to use blue mixing pigment to get the right shade. It’s weird but I just somehow knew the foundation needed to be desaturated more to work with my face.

Today my eyebrows were kind of a mess cuz I’ve been neglecting them. I set out to tweeze them a bit and clean them up, but I kind of went on autopilot and just knew the right areas to pluck to get a nicer shape that complements my face. I am not good with eyebrows at all. Last time I went about plucking it was a disaster so I was really hesitant to do it again. But this time I nailed it. It’s like I knew intuitively what exact shape to go for without understanding why. Like shortcutting the theories on facial aesthetics.

Clothing is still tricky, but I did color analysis a while back and had a custom palette created. At first I didn’t get the colors, but now I see some of the older clothes I bought and how they don’t compliment me. It’s less of a needing to reference the “correct” colors and more about understanding what really doesn’t work on me. For a bit it felt like I was choosing clothes that worked well vs choosing clothes I liked that worked well. And that’s a huge difference. I think that’s what has been making me anxious this whole time was me trying to get everything perfect and not embarrass myself. Also the difference between a slightly cool blue vs a warm blue isn’t gonna make my wardrobe catastrophically fail lol. But that’s sort of the standard I was holding up to myself.

Found a great skincare routine for me that isn’t expensive and has been a piece of cake to stick to. My skin is ironically recovering from a much more expensive korean skincare routine that kept breaking me out.

Lately I look in the mirror and my self image seems a lot better. I looked at myself today and just felt a lot more happy. I still fall prey to taking pictures of myself though and compare the two. I’m not sure why HoT didn’t give me this. My self perception has shifted pretty drastically since starting Seductress.

Other stuff. Went to grab a sandwich today and the guy ringing me up called me honey. I’ve been keeping an eye on how subconsciously people treat me. Guys tend to let me through doorways first or hold the door open longer for me to get to. It’s been hard being able to tell how I come across. At the doctor recently too a nurse I never met told me I was overdue for a pap smear and I was so confused I didn’t know how to answer. She called me later apologizing because she didn’t read my chart fully. I’m trying to take my small wins without becoming delusional about how I appear to the outside world. It’s important for me I’m seen as a woman, but right now I’m like “is it really happening or are people just being nice?”

Finally I’m looking to maximize my beauty to get ahead in life. I know that’s controversial but scientific studies show people trust attractive people more. It’s a bias. Pretty privilege is real and I intend to get a slice of that pie lol. I am deeply uncomfortable with people showing interest in me though so I have to work through that as well.

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#22

I’m still doing a hip release/trauma course. It really kicks things up sometimes. I was doing some pelvic floor stretches and my stomach loosened up and then I just immediately started crying. And then also crying while going to sleep. Today has been a wash for me in terms of getting things done. Trying not to feel bad about it.

I bought some whey protein I’m going to be using to supplement my diet with. It’s not great but it’s better than having mornings where I don’t eat. Went grocery shopping today and generally picked healthier and less meat based stuff. I’ve been having more of an aversion to meat lately for some reason. Grabbed some tofu for making stir frys instead of steak. I don’t know what I’m doing lol. I did buy chocolate ice cream though so not 100% healthy but eh a girl needs her chocolate sometimes.

Gonna bump my listening to 1 min and see how I tolerate that. Switching back to two subs has definitely made things easier for me as well. I think that’s my cap. Three just doesn’t work for me.

#23

Locked myself out of my apartment earlier this afternoon. Then also locked myself out of my phone because I somehow forgot my pin.

Definitely was rough today but still determining if 1 min is too much right now or not. One thing I do notice with higher exposure, I can’t avoid what comes up. I feel like on lower loops like 30s it’s easy to just keep pushing past stuff vs facing it. Maybe I need this so I can stop avoiding.

#24

Are you using Carole Jackson’s color system?

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#25

Yup! About a year ago I went for an in person analysis. From there I’ve just been working on getting better at distinguishing warm and cool colors. It gets more challenging for me when the colors look darker. But overall its helped a lot with having a better idea of what to look for in stores or know if shopping somewhere is going to be difficult.

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#26

I’m having a rough time in life right now. I keep trying to spin it around and excel in the opposite direction. It’s… not working. And if it’s not working that leads me to believe it’s a reaction to circumstances vs a a genuine growth in a direction. What I mean is a sort of reactive individualism. Like I’m having a hard time, I’m part of a minority group, my best approach to this is connection, networking, finding help, finding kind people. What do I do? I blame myself, try to be stronger, try to figure it all out on my own. Objectively it’s a bad strategy. It’s one thing to want to cultivate relying on myself but being able to accept help when needed. It’s entirely different to have a fear of asking for or needing help that drives me to be overly reliant on figuring my life out. It’s about choice and right now I’m not exercising choice, I’m being pushed into behaviors that continue to hurt me.

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#27

This may sound obvious and dumb but more often than not the real struggle is changing ones relationship with perceived " failures ". I can somewhat guess that you want something to go right! For something to work which gives a crystal clear indication that you are going in the right direction. I know that far too well. Yet it seems as if it’s not and maybe the real growth here is finding peace amongst the chaos. It is the hard choice after all when the thoughts & emotions too busy pointing out what’s wrong and isn’t working. Your efforts matter

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#28

You’re definitely right. It can very often feel like failure when my life isn’t going the way I’m trying to get it to go. A single day can be filled with thoughts and fears, the next day it doesn’t even matter and I’m back on track. Maybe I am just too hard on myself with what I expect from myself at any given point in time.

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#29

My doctor adjusted my dosage for my medication. It’s been about 3 days and I feel wayyyyy better. Anxiety is decreased a lot. This was definitely messing with my ability to deal with recon. Yet another moment of me blaming myself for not trying hard enough when I should have taken a step back to assess all the impact of other things in my life.

Anyway one thing that stopped was the excessive thinking and pondering. I just started taking more action because I could. And that just made me feel better. I guess when due to physical factors I’m in a hole, it’s close to impossible to take action so it just results in me ruminating.

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#30

Stillness, stagnation, frozen. Timeless, boundless, lost in perceptions turned inward reflecting back like two opposing mirrors. Nothing changes, everything just is. Deeper look inward reflects more inaction of change. More criticism, more self awareness, less being in the world.The truth, a truth, ambiguous discernments. To break the illusion of depth is to destroy a self imposed expectation of how the inner has to become before the outer emerges. A gust of wind knocking down one mirror shattered, a single act of the outer world. Opening the perception, closing the loop, the inner and outer connected, reflected, bilateral flow. Dynamically changing, freedom of exchange.The paradox of consciousness being lost within the act of consciousness itself.

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#31

I struggle to maintain the balance of honoring the feelings and thoughts from the inside and balancing with an understanding that those are not all innate static aspects of me. The emotions thoughts and feelings are real, but what they represent isn’t always the truth.

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#32

… did you secretly throw some Singularity in there, or is this stack helping you feel more comfortable with this kind of abstract expression? Either way, there’s a very beautiful transcendent message in what you’ve written. Cheers.

EDIT: Especially that last line. I was writing some song lyrics the other day about the “strange alliance of consciousness.”

The paradox of consciousness being lost within the act of consciousness itself.

Remarkable.

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#33

Thank you. No but I did run RoM for a few weeks fairly recently in another journal, like about 21 days ago. It might be some of that. The module subconscious mastery definitely felt similar in some respects to RoM so it might be that too.

I think there is something in this stack though in terms of accepting some aspects of myself that I’m still trying to understand. It might be seductress. Things have shifted since starting to run it. Quite possibly unlocking some stuff from RoM.

I’ve always had these ideas or concepts in some abstract form. I buried them under a weird sort of shame. I dont really understand it. It’s caused a lot of confusion in my life because I’ve tried very hard to suppress a lot of it and just be normal.

#34

Today is April 1st. This day holds a lot of relevance for me because it’s when I committed to living as myself. It’s been one year since facing my fears and moving forward with something I’ve always been deeply terrified of. I still am, but I knew the regret would be something I feared more.

I was going to reflect on my growth today vs my usual habit of feeling like I’m not moving fast enough. It’s been a surreal experience witnessing the aspects of myself I thought were me turn out to be protections for something deeper that was afraid to emerge in the world. But it’s that suppressed beingness that would lend itself to allowing me to feel like I’m in the world, to be connected to it, to interact with it, if I allow it to emerge.

Something that wasn’t allowed to touch the surface. It’s easy to dismiss these feelings and thoughts as ramblings of a mind that just overthinks. But I think that’s due to the privilege of having a fully formed identity that some get to experience, of course it would be weird if you had this innate thing that helped you navigate and understand life, but another individual you speak to can’t relate. My assumption? This is how everyone lives and they just deal with it better than me.

What I’ve learned so far. The piece of myself I had been searching for so long was always there. What wasn’t was the opportunity for that individual to exist in the world. I’ve opened that door, but it’s an all new experience I have to learn and lean into despite how unfamiliar it all is. Like a baby calf trying to walk.

My life has been really complicated. I’ve tried to understand it and I can’t. Despite my best efforts, it always comes back to honoring deeper emotions and feelings and trusting in that. I built a reality and life around concepts that weren’t mine to begin with and lost the understanding of what life is on an intuitive level. I mistakenly assumed that emptiness was life. That’s also been my curse, whatever high level awareness or maturity granted me the ability to get by despite these struggles also doomed me into others perceiving a capacity for life that just didn’t exist.

I don’t know what in my stack is lending me these insights, but I’m grateful for them. I feel like I’m moving towards some sense of freedom that I’ve been looking at for years but I didn’t know how to reach.

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#35

I know nothing about you and your past and current struggles but this sentence I think I can relate to.

Perhaps that emptiness was your salvation yet became a burden at some point and still remains your shackle.

Anyhow, you’re making progress and enjoying it, and that’s all that matters. It’s a long journey back home for many of us. However, I never made it back home… I made myself at home in the coldest place I know. It’s possible, though perhaps not the optimal choice.

Cheers.

:snowflake:

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#36

An interesting thought to ponder. But emptiness, isolation, detachment has always been the comfort zone. It’s what I have been continually pulled back to. One of the biggest mistakes of my life was the assumption that the thing I most naturally gravitated towards was the most natural path to pursue. That’s the biggest danger, when perspective is lost and the habits that hold me captive I develop a sort of stockholm syndrome to.

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#37

Now, I’m stepping onto the dicey ground of speculation. Perhaps it’s not so much a comfort zone as a safe zone—or at least, it used to be. This seems to be the residue of defense mechanisms that have lost their relevance yet still maintain a strong hold on you, triggering at the slightest notion of danger or the unfamiliar.

If that’s the case, the emptiness is your survival mode at work, and you probably cannot rid yourself of it for that very reason—if you’ve even intended to do so. The emptiness may be the very core of your psychological makeup, though it’s more a product of what was done to you than a reflection of you as a whole. Yet it’s you nonetheless and needs to be owned. Again, this is just speculating.

The approach I’ve found to work for me (the “Ice” in me, which is at its core a survival mode) isn’t about healing or rooting it out, as it’s just who I am. Instead, I focus on reforging it into the most relevant tool and weapon at my disposal, given my current reality and this is where subs work their magic. The Ice was tremendously outdated—totally misaligned, still set to cope with threats that no longer existed and subs helped me update it, so to speak.

There’s still some residue of that old modus operandi within me, yet I simply ignore it, let it be, and let it pass. It takes the form of pattern-based (habitual) ‘flashbacks’ and feels like somatic memories of what was done to me in the past, as they are merely bodily sensations and feelings. I ignore them, and it seems to help, as I experience fewer and fewer ‘flashbacks’.

Keep up the great work with the subs, mate.

:snowflake:

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#38

Thank you. Yes you’re definitely right. It was about safety. I called it comfort zone but that downplays how prevalent it’s been in my life.

We might be using a similar strategy. I’ve come to terms that the damage has been done so to speak. Like you said there’s very little to return to. It’s almost impossible to return to a state of being that never existed. I’ve just picked up whatever pieces I can find and continue to give them an opportunity to grow.

I still haven’t made peace with it. That hope or dream of making my way back to something that never existed kept me going for a lot of years. But I’ve been working on trying to let that go and grieve the loss.

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#39

That hope or dream was probably the most direct response to the emptiness, as our minds cannot remain in limbo unless we suffer from derealization and depersonalization—as I did. All was but a dream. Anyhow, that hope or dream needs to be replaced with a real hope or vision that you can build upon. I think you’re aware of that. It requires a huge shift in focus—moving from an imagined past that never was to a future you can envision, embrace, and create.

This transformation is similar to the act of creation (whether you believe in it or not):

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

It’s mimicking God when you start building your world from emptiness. The heaven and the earth. The pillars of the world. What are they to you? Do you see them? How can you create them? What is the light that illuminates the darkness? Where do you find it? It’s your Genesis, mate, although there is much more in you than that emptiness since as you said:

Treat that emptiness as your void of creation.

:snowflake:

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#40

I had a recruiter call me the other day and present a job. And it was such a weird pivotal moment. It would be in the same state I’m currently in which would do nothing for getting me out of here. The temptation to just take it to relieve my anxiety was strong. I’ve been feeling like a failure for not being able to make this relocation happen.

I decided to go on the interview as practice and turn down the offer if it was given to me. It’s today at a later time. Two reasons and intuitive nudges that taking this job would be a bad decision. One, it’s a staffing agency that has a horrible reputation. Two, it would waste my time and energy I could use towards creating a new life for myself.

I also recently realized that 1 min loops are just too much for me and I’ve been causing unnecessary stress by taking on more internally than I can reasonably handle.

My life is stuck in limbo right now. In every conceivable way possible, it’s insane. My apartment is 90% packed up so it’s like I’m not even living here. I’m having trouble securing an apartment lease in another state because I have to have a job in that state and I can’t get a job because I don’t live there. I’m incapable of relaxing because I’m in between jobs. And I am also transitioning my body physically and my gender socially so at times I don’t even get to live a life I want.

I’m on my own. The biggest safety net I have is that if this all catastrophically implodes on itself I can stay at my mom’s because at the very least I have supportive family.

Yeah I think 1 min was too much and I hit my breaking point. Going to take a few days off for this to settle.