Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#128

Even though I spent some time away from these subs and used another producers, it really gave me perspective on how it’s a tool at the end of the day. It was a much needed shift in my perception of change. I didn’t like how I was unconsciously devaluing my journey by not taking credit for my own hard work. As weird as it sounds I had to let go of this belief that I was somehow broken or weaker because I use subs for change. And the question. If these didn’t exist, where would I be? I didn’t like the idea of relying or trusting myself which is actually the mechanism for change with these subs. So yeah, an internal system for change was at a deeper problematic level that no subs could fix. It took some time and emotional processing to understand that only I can save myself and nobody else and no thing can do it.

I also learned I very likely have body dysmorphic disorder. Which I learned is not only distortion of my own features, but the OCD like obsession of fixating on them. So I’ve had to figure out the very multi layered issue of what’s gender dysphoria vs bdd. BDD is me being afraid to go outside because I feel ugly or look like a freak. I’ve been feeling better, but it’s been tough. I had two pickup trucks a few minutes apart scream queer at me while I was walking through town a few weeks ago. I get anxiety when any trucks drive by now. I’m lucky that’s the extent of what I deal with, some other trans individuals are brutally beat or killed for just being themselves in other parts of this country and the world.

But I ran a 30s loop of my seductress name embed yesterday. I realized I’m afraid of feeling attractive or good about myself because I don’t want to be delusional. I don’t want to feel good and then have someone pop my bubble and me crashing out. I woke up this morning though feeling better about myself and just decided maybe I should just go for it. Deal with the haters as they come and leave it at that. My whole idea of it being a bubble or delusional is probably based in some really critical thoughts about myself and I’ve been considering that too.

I was having a rough week. But that one 30s loop really did help me feel better about myself. Just being able to look in the mirror and appreciate myself as a human being deserving of compassion, more than just my physical appearance. And doing that did help me feel more beautiful and confident.

#129

Job situation has been a little bleak. I finally got in some interviews though.

I’m considering pivoting into cloud engineering or devops or something. But I have some learning ahead of me that I’m having immense trouble getting started with.

I’ve reached a point where I’ve processed a lot of stuff about my life. Some oddly framed things about beliefs vs validating struggles. I guess throughout my life I’ve just been told to get on with things vs actually understanding the very things that prevent me from getting on with things. Not from an intellectual standpoint, but an emotional processing level. Making peace with that now, unfortunately there’s a huge backlog. So it’s a combination of moving forward and also taking time to understand and have compassion for myself when I can’t vs beating myself up.

Definitely feeling trapped lately, I remind myself I don’t have to let that feeling stop me.

#130

Few things happened for me.

I started taking Vyvanse. It’s been helping a lot. I don’t know if I’ll need it forever but for now I don’t care if I have adhd or if it’s trauma. In the amount of time I’ve debated the source of things and how to fix them my life slipped away. I still hold regrets for how long I wrestled with my gender identity just because of society and delayed my transition trying to figure things out.

It’s all left me with a new perspective on life. One where I have to trust myself and make decisions. And other people might not like them or agree with them, but that doesn’t matter. Charting my life based on approval of everyone else around me just landed me in hell.

Fun stuff

My makeup skills are getting better and I’m sort of learning my own path and doing the really basic stuff. Trying to enhance my own beauty vs drastically altering it. It’s fun and I much prefer this because I’m becoming more intimate with my features. I’m deconstructing a lot of self image issues in the process. I found out the other day that my endless search for foundation shades that match is because I have an olive skin tone but I’m pretty fair in complexion so it’s been tricky. Finally stumbled upon a magical combo the other day and it blended into my skin perfectly. I felt like I won the lottery lol.

I went thrifting the other day and got some nice clothes for $40. I’m feeling more comfortable exploring different looks and starting to get a better feel for what I like vs don’t like. Very slowly feeling more attractive lately and dressing to accentuate that. Still have to build up to it though. But something is shifting for sure.

Deeper stuff

Understanding change takes time and doing my best to love and appreciate myself in the process of that change. I will always strive to improve my life and achieve what I want, but I’ve started being very careful about putting my happiness in the future when those thing are achieved. What if they never come to be? Where does that leave me? It can be scary and sometimes leads me to self defeat.

I’m in a situation where I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the thing I want most in my life I can’t achieve. But I can’t let that stop me from trying or thinking it’s not possible. This is about honoring my own needs, the ones stomped out by society and people around me making me feel like it wasn’t real.

Sub stuff

I think I’m going to pair AoH with seductress starting today and see how that goes. I need focus on myself and I need to prioritize me. I feel like everything around me is so complicated and I don’t have answers for anything anymore.

1 Like
#131

AoH. This sub gets heavy for me. I’ve spent a lot of my life convincing myself and people around me that I’m doing well and I’m happy. I have my moments for sure. But deep down I feel this unhappiness. I don’t want to lie about it anymore. I want my actions in life to generate real happiness, not just me trying to convince myself I am.

Every time I run this sub I end up crying. I guess the subject of happiness is a deep wound for me. One I haven’t healed from yet

#132

It’s funny because a lot of times on this forum it’s advised not to kitchen sink a title or custom. I think sometimes I need a bit of that.

All my life I was on a hunt to find specific things, paths, repeatability. I felt if I couldn’t condense or articulate what it was that was driving my growth in life, I was unorganized and setting myself up for failure.

Now I’m realizing my life would benefit immensely from throwing everything at it and focusing on the outcome. I can condense everything down or make sense of the chaos later. But by trying to be picky and selective in the hopes I pick out the right sources of knowledge, inspiration, influence, etc. I cut myself off from things. There are no guarantees or formulas, flexibility and adaptability is what I value the most. Fluidity. I’ve been so rigidly attached to beliefs and mindsets because of trauma and they haven’t served me and have narrowed my life experience.

I think I might add HoT back in to my stack. I already have seductress but physical shifting is a huge goal of mine and I’m going to experiment to see if I can take this even further.

#133

Had an in person interview today. I can only attribute some insight I gained about my anxiety to AoH.

I got to the place early (worst thing for interviews). So I was sitting in my car and just trying to calm myself down. This never has worked for me. So I started to try to understand what the anxiety was. I realized it’s a misguided defense mechanism. My mind thinks if I get really anxious I’ll be more attentive and say the right things and get a favorable outcome. This is in contrast to being calm and being myself and potentially coming across in a way someone doesn’t like.

The irony, like so many things with the subconscious, is the anxiety being generated will directly cause the unwanted consequence. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy.

All in all it comes back to me as a person and the insecurities I hold. The big one is probably being trans. My appearance might make some people uncomfortable, I do my best but I’m limited by this body I got stuck in against my will. I know I have to find peace within myself so I can move through life with confidence and not worrying what others think. But I’m not there yet. And I guess that really hurts living life like this right now and all the challenges I face in society.

#134

So yeah decided to go back to my focused custom HoT, Seductress, and AoH in a stack. Custom HoT is on its own day.

Custom HoT

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core
New Physical Shifting Experience Core
Synergy: Carpe Vitam
Synergy: Harmonic Conflux
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Safety Net
Untouchable
New Dawn
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
Homeostasis
Unlimiter
Mosaic

It might be too much, it might not. Here’s how I see it. There are some things in the subs I’m running that I’m not ready for, but that doesn’t mean the slot can’t be filled with something else. Instead of waiting until I grow into it by running the same consistent single sub, to me it makes sense to allocate that energy to something in another title that can make a positive impact on my life.

At this point I’m not entirely convinced my mind is always working on every part of the script. I have reason to believe it does cherry pick or outright ignore things. So it’s better to feed it stuff that it can execute on, which can be a little chaotic because it’s not like I actually know what its picking or choosing or what it will be receptive to or not. I know it’s me, but I’m very often caught off guard with what my mind rejects or doesn’t. So it’s better to expand the scope and let it choose vs consciously adhering to some rigid syllabus I came up with consciously.

Oddly enough this mentality came about after I ran 30s of AoH.

Shifting Perspectives

Explores the power of reframing situations to uncover hidden opportunities for joy and growth. Learning to shift perspectives helps users transform challenges into valuable life lessons and recognize the beauty in the mundane. This practice builds emotional flexibility and fosters a positive outlook, essential for navigating life’s complexities. Incorporating this skill into daily life enables users to find joy even in unexpected or difficult circumstances.

I guess I’ve been kind of insecure about the way my mind works and tried to train it out of a way of how it works vs going with it it. That expanded to sub usage. I’m kind of working out what works best for me now and trusting my intuition. It is nice having guidelines, but ultimately I have to figure out how these work best in my own mind and that itself is a learning process.

#135

Hey there, considering your situation with your body and how difficult it seems for you to run subs, why not only run full loops of what seems to be the most desired and aligned outcome you are seeking which I understand to be physical shifting?

Your body seems to be your main difficulty, why not go all in on physical shifting and let the results of that shift bring the joy and happiness as a natural outcome?

I know from experience with physical shifting sub(bdlm) that running only that one increases results and speed of results exponentially compared to spreading subconscious energy with another sub and also avoids potential recon coming from more psychologically oriented subs.

Just a perspective.

I resonate a lot with your feelings around body inadequacy and how what seems to be a simple superficial issue has incredibly profound painful psychological ramifications that can’t really be understood by most and is very difficult to express.

Best wishes.

1 Like
#136

Appreciate the thoughts on it. It’s a bit of a complicated situation for me.

I actually can’t run full loops, they don’t seem to work well for me. To be more specific it’s way too much input to manage without feeling overstimulated even with just one title.

As much as I would love to dedicate all my resources to physical shifting, I really don’t think I can. I’m not in the most secure place in my life right now and there are other aspects that need some serious work.

So of course it goes the other way? Why not focus on the serious aspects, then focus on physical shifting? The simple answer is, they’re intertwined. Growth in one area effects the other. I’ve lost a lot of time in my life, I’d rather move forward knowing I’m focusing on everything important to me than setting up checkpoints and waiting to move onto something else. Plus every time I’ve planned out sub usage in a singular focused way it never seems to work or address my needs enough as I run into them in day to day living.

Idk I’m just trying something different to see if it works.

1 Like
#137

My logic for my stack in a chart. Whether or not this is how it works I have no idea. But this is the theory at least. Trying to choose titles that help reinforce positive feedback loops vs coming across blocks. It makes sense to me at least. Guess we’ll see.

image

3 Likes
#138

Had a huge emotional release after running my HoT custom I was not expecting. That led me to then uncovering past memories and realizing how dissociated I’ve been this past year. I’m still processing that one. Feels weird today. My journey feels weird and my life feels weird.

I’m becoming more aware of the harmful things I’ve internalized from others about being trans. Those are the things that severed me from myself. It’s still a process connecting with myself. Yesterday I realized just how awful it’s been for me over the years. But since starting my stack I feel almost pulled inward and it’s more effort to compromise myself for others. There’s an internal strengthening and a desire to build outward so my external life matches the internal more.

I guess I don’t have concrete goals. I just want my outer and inner to align more, whatever way that presents itself or happens I’m not concerned with the details at much. It doesn’t seem like I ever have much of an ability to carry out plans anyway and when I do they seem oddly unfulfilling.

#139

Wooooooooo! I got a job offer. 7 months of painful unemployment and being rejected and I finally found a job.

The best part is I think this will have a really good culture and environment. It’ll give me exactly what I need right now, some financial support without burying me in anxiety and stress.

5 Likes
#140

On the surface, this might look like a bit of the kitchen sink type custom. However, this makes sense because it all looks oriented to your transitioning. I am also very pleased you added Unlimiter, Untouchable, and Safety Net; based on what I’ve read in your journal, this seems spot on!

1 Like
#141

Life is so complicated for me. Well my internal life at least. I feel like sometimes I can go from happy to sad at random moments.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that sometimes it feels like too much, but I don’t have a choice. I do my best to not overextend myself and work within my limits. But sometimes society just says no that’s not allowed and I bend.

And that’s my fault. I don’t have to listen. I can learn to face the consequences, the disapproval, the conflict. I have to learn to face those things, otherwise I say and do the right things to smooth out situations at the expense of my own mental health.

Society is the imposing shadowy authority figure that I yield control to. I don’t have to, but because of trauma I do. That’s important to remember. To understand that externalization of my own lack of control does nothing but perpetuate the idea that my personal power is contingent on circumstances vs unwavering.

Being part of a marginalized group has catapult me into a level of self growth and personal power. I don’t get the same opportunities and I can’t “blend” and play some societal game. It has shown me to not put weight into circumstances, reality is flexible. I need the comfort of knowing there’s a power inside me independent of societies usual definition or understanding of power. To know that I operate independently of those things and nobody can take it away, but they can try to convince me it doesn’t exist.

#142

Felt like writing

The connection between the inner and outer

The conscious, actualizes externally

The subconscious, lives in an already existing world of concepts

The subconscious wanting to retreat to an idealized world and build

The conscious wanting to explain the idealized world isn’t real.

Like a warm bed and sweet dreams, the subconscious doesn’t want to wake up and step into reality.

The conscious asks for compromise, the subconscious is unyielding. Its world is no less fake than what the conscious is a part of. And what it asks of the subconscious to step into is a massive step down in terms of quality of life.

Two societies in one mind. The conscious at war, fighting, pushing for sovereignty. Join the quest, overcome the harsh world. The subconscious already assumes it’s own utopia, perfection, at peace, the world as is is fine.

The bridge, a deep chasm of mistrust. Stories, ideas, concepts, shouted across a gap in the psyche but no means to connect with each others world.

The subconscious : Why invite in the conscious who perpetuate struggle and hardship?
The conscious: Why invite in the subconscious who are vulnerable, weak, and incapable of protecting themselves?

Each has something to offer the other, but each is afraid. Each have to build a bridge of their own concepts to meet halfway between the chasm.

1 Like
#143

Not sure if it was seductress or HoT, but I had a moment where I realized I was wearing too much makeup for no other reason than insecurity. Specifically foundation, I got roped into the insecurities the cosmetic industry is great at creating. Soooo, I’m trying to find a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself. I will say that I have pretty good skin and foundation was never necessary for me. I just put it on because I thought I could look better with it and that’s such a slippery slope.

I know I’m still uncovering a lot of these insecurities. I spent a lot of money on makeup, mostly trial and error. Thinking if I just found some illusive combination it would all click and my looks would fall into place. Feel guilty about that, but eh what’s done is done I know better now.

So finding the perfect makeup look ironically involves less makeup for me and discovering what I really like to use vs what I feel I need to use. I consider this a pretty big win for me because I feel like I’m able to look at myself and appreciate imperfections as beautiful.

1 Like
#144

That’s really deep!

1 Like
#145

I had a really rough day a few days ago. Really really rough, I won’t go into the details of it.

But I read these two quotes from Saint and I’ve often felt this has been the battle my entire life.

I’m getting to a point now within myself where I feel the constant push pull dynamics of this. Trying to live my life and validate what I need to be happy within it, while having people vehemently opposed to me even existing as a person. I shouldn’t give those opinions weight, I shouldn’t care, I shouldn’t have it effect me so deeply but it does. I think it hurts so bad for me sometimes because I recognize this energy as the very same thing that prevented me from getting help when I was younger. And yet, all of it was just external, all of it was someone else, but I absorbed it and it became a part of me and I hold a lot of contempt and resentment for the fact that someone else or some collective opinion changed the course of my life.

And I’m still poisoned by it every day, I can actively feel this stuff holding me back from expressing who I really am. I can feel the dissonance in me, it’s like an abrasive buzzing that doesn’t go away. And I just want to feel aligned and for that buzzing to go away.

I don’t know what I have to do. It’s so deep in me, I don’t even have words. I don’t know if I should focus on healing ,try to grow, idk anymore. I just keep moving forward in the hopes it all gets better.

4 Likes
#146

That’s a deep insight, and hard work :muscle:

Best wishes miss :rainbow:

1 Like
#147

After running Seductress yesterday, later in the evening I realized how ambitious this sub is and how much inner work I have to do in order to be more in alignment with it.

I was kinda tired and just started some free thoughts. Just saying what came to mind without censoring. I found myself talking about being enchanting and radiant, how only people who deserve it gain entry to my inner world and beauty.

Then I felt like that was self absorbed, narcissistic, full of myself, etc. Then I remembered how often I’ve seen in my life men who tear down strong beautiful women or are intimidated by them. And then I realized I’m afraid of the same thing happening to me if I start valuing myself more and my own beauty and standing out in the world. It seems like the only individuals who get mad at you for establishing boundaries and holding your own inner sanctuary sacred are those that are manipulative and want you to yield easier to their control. Unfortunately for me I’m a recovering people pleaser and I can experience guilt when I don’t allow these abusers open access to me. Crazy I know, but trauma works in weird ways.

I have so much growing to do with this sub. I just really want to be for once in my life one of those people who carry themselves with confidence and self respect for themselves and aren’t shaken by haters. And who also live in alignment with themselves and don’t let the outside world interfere with all their dreams and goals.

1 Like