Closing off 2023: Khan Black & Emperor

Journals - Major Programs
#44

GLM 5 minutes, LBHF 5 minutes

Was invited by a friend for dinner yesterday, hadn’t heard from her in a couple months so that was cool.
Went to the gym today, despite some pain in my thigh I was able to push through with my workout.
Noticed a new woman at the gym, absolutely gorgeous and looked/sounded like my type.

Felt low-grade but not intense anxiety at the thought of introducing myself to her, but she was with her friends plus I have no idea on the -how-. Note to self is to watch some material on approaching women respectfully at the gym, and make some kind of mental preparation so if I see her again to take some kind of action.

After a breakup, it was a good reminder that there are others who will get my motor running.

Going to focus on work now for a couple of hours.
Forgiveness meditation and business coaching call tonight.

Considering switching my stack to what has been recommended by support for my goals. So may rest for the weekend and begin next week as follows.

November - Emperor, Regeneration, LBFH
December - Emperor, microloops of KBSt1
January onwards - KB and Khan.

#45

Foolishness

Completely broke recommendations and yesterday listened to Emperor 15 mins, WB 15 min… and later Regeneration 15mins.

Actually felt great after that, strong, calm, confident.

Later I had a NoFap relapse when I could not sleep, and then the recon hit.

The crux of the recon is that I need to reorient myself away from masturbation and avoidance, and towards interacting with women. And tackling the traumas, fears and insecurities that I would normally contract around and continue my avoidance.

So, lessons learned. Relapse reflection below (hidden because who really needs to read that stuff while enjoying their morning coffee, lol)

NoFap stuff

What led to the relapse?
A combination of things. I tried to skip my usual microdose sleeping pill as I don’t want to be on them forever, and ended up laying in bed awake for hours. I saw an incredibly attractive woman at the gym and was having fantasies of her, and then fantasies of an ex, and first-person fantasies involving some adult actresses I used to watch. I let myself sleep without clothing. I was experiencing lust, craving, and also sadness over breakup.

At what point did I start to act in an unwise way, and what could I have done instead?
Overexposing on subs for one - this clearly amped my energy up way past what my system is used to handling. Too much energy in = forces an outlet to push energy out. Allowing myself to enjoy some idle fantasy for too long which led to a mountain sexual energy. Assuming I was ready to forego my microdose sleeping pill.

What can I do to prevent a similar relapse from happening again?
Continue to take my microdose of sleeping pill for the rest of this year whilst I am on strict NoFap.
Take a few days washout, then begin my new stack abiding by a proper listening schedule.
Where clothing when going to sleep.
Implement a habit for this situation of “Insomnia and horny” - if/when this situation arises again, I will grab a book, any book, and take myself to another room in the house to read for long enough to shift state.

I am choosing now to recommit to this journey, I’ve got two months more of recovery for the rest of this year. I’ve also been over two months now without viewing any porn, so I’m doing great on that front, it’s just about giving my system the proper rest and reset.

I’ll take the weekend off and take it easy, and next week begin a cycle

Day 1: Emperor
Day 3: Regeneration/LBFH
Day 5: Emperor
Day 7: Regeneration/LBFH
etc.

for 21 days then 5 day washout.

I should really keep the titles to 5 or 7 minutes each in this first week as I went a bit heavy yesterday with the subs. Live and learn.

#46

New Cycle

Day 1: Emperor 15 minutes.

The weekend was a mixed bag, fell on my face with MO. Still porn free now for over two months.

I noticed the effect that releasing has - increased anxiety, decreased sense of my own masculinity.

Still, did a 60 day ‘reboot’ with MO only relapses at d
ay 45 and 60. I’m committing now to another 90 days, which will take me up until the end of January.

Today is a new day, though, and a new cycle where I’ll be alternating Emperor and Regeneration/LBFH, as recommended by support.

Despite some heightened anxiety today following my ‘relapse’, I listened to a full loop of Emperor and already notice some subtle changes.

  1. My workout discipline was on point. I lifted heavy, consistently, gassed out but pushed through. I had the idea to switch the order on a couple exercises in my superset that made for more efficient use of my cardio capacity.

  2. Feeling a kind of grounded, smooth, thick energy. It’s like I can focus it into a workout, or kick back and enjoy myself, taking satisfaction.

  3. Had a greater sense of the feminine energy in women at the gym, and my own innate masculine. Like I could sense their softness, kindness and sensitivity. And I felt thick, heavy by contrast.

  4. On the way back from the gym, I pass a ‘clothes donation’ bin. Often there are some carrier bags with used clothes left outside it. I had the idea “I could take these clothes and sell them online to make profit”. I’ve passed this bin 2-3 times a week for a year and never had this thought before. I’m attributing that to Emperor.

  5. Interactions with my housemates were more verbose, lively, and full-hearted. More down-to-earth, wordly, and good-natured. I was brighter, louder, etc.

If Emperor can influence my mind in these ways despite being post-fap and sleep-deprived, then damn. I look forward to soaking in this sub more over the next couple months.

Next listening day is Wednesday, that’ll be Regeneration/LBFH.

Time to crush work for the next four hours, meditate, eat, and go play DND with some friends tonight.

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#47

Day 3: Regeneration (5 mins), LBFH (7 mins)

Yesterday (my rest day) I did my morning bioenergetics, poured a coffee, and got started working on my blog.

I’m following my mentor’s advice around my writer’s block and brainfog when trying to edit articles, which is to work ‘10 minutes on, 10 minutes off’ whenever things get too sticky.

By employing this strategy, I was able to finish an article. Though later in the day I got distracted reading this forum.

My mind was busy in meditation, and body pretty tense with physical anxiety.

Muay Thai went great. We practiced kick-catches, some trips, and the sparring at the end was a lot of fun even though it gassed me out. The guys there have been friendly. Felt good to start executing some basic combos during sparring, and get some succesful parries, counters, and blocks in.

Got way too horny in bed and MO’d again. Well, that was the end of October. Time for NoNutNovember with full dedication.

This morning I’ve listened to Regeneration and LBFH, consciously guiding them with thoughts of forgiveness towards myself and a lady in my life.

SInce done my morning bioenergetics and am now drinking coffee.

Rest of the day is basically - Work on my site, do some stretching and meditation, eat a good meal, work on forgiveness and some manifestation.

I remembered I had a dream early morning. I was at my old workplace. A guy there told me that an ex is now dating someone new. I felt aggrived. The guy told me to just call her.

This afternoon while working, thoughts of her came to mind, alongside a growing sense of loss and sadness.

I noticed some thoughts coming up:
People don’t love me.
Nobody cares.
Why do I always have to be something else to receive attention from women?
Why can’t I just be me?

This young one inside needs some love.
And, as the world is so keen on reminding me, that’s for me to do.
Some bitterness at that, surrounding basically a shy, hurt, younger character inside.

This sadness… fear/craving… when it surfaces from the subconscious, sabotages my peace and productivity. It brings a shut-down, a depression. It needs some nurture.

Meditation was restless, fight-flight in the gut. After meditation I slept for 40 minutes straight.

Eating my OMAD meal was awesome. Felt like a caveman demolishing a steak.

Sat for a forgiveness meditation this evening. It feels like healing balm… slowly unravelling age-old tensions.

porn/sex stuff

Had porn cravings today. When I forgave them, I sensed that really I need to forgive my own sexuality… to forgive my penis… to forgive myself for using porn… to forgive my desire for intimacy… to forgive all the shameful things I’ve done in the past (sex workers, dolls, porn, injuring myself with a bathmate, the list goes on). I feel embarrassed and humiliated writing that here, even, but f it. All that behaviour came as a reaction to real pain and overwhelm, and doesn’t make me less of a human.

Ugh even jut looked at porn for 1-2 minutes, edge, just images no video - PATTERN INTERRUPT TIME. Going for a walk.

edit: later MO’d. Deliberately not to porn. Training away from that a bit, at least. But seriously, time to engage Brahmacharya mode for a few months now. I’m going to read some spiritual texts in the evening before sleep to help channel my energies up.

Forgiveness is my superpower that will help me to ascend my past.

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#48

Day 5: Emperor (10 mins)

Another good workout, despite aching a lot from muay thai.

It’s funny, I noticed after running Emperor this morning my mind started going into productive/planning mode and I wrote out a to-do list, including some things I’d been touching on mentally but not making into concrete plans.

I received some money today, and went ahead and put it to use - I ordered a new power supply for my computer (it has a lot of stuff on I need for work, and it stopped working a few weeks back), and also…

KhanHereWeGo

Ready for 2024 :grin:

#49

Beautiful.

My thoughts are going to 2024, the year of Khan and Khan Black.
The year of natural grounding (using videos like the above to shift relationship with the feminine)
The year of forgiveness (grudges and resentments have held me in a psychic prison for decades)
The year of taking action!
The year of building my business and starting to see money come in!
The year of meeting women, overcoming old limitations, and growing
The year of reclaiming myself

(5 min Regeneratoin, 5 min LBFH)

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2024: Tale of Two Swords (Khan and Khan Black)
#50

Have you considered DR for some time in 2024?

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#51

Hey @RVconsultant , thanks for your interesting question.

It’s not something I’d put serious consideration to at this point, as:

  • DR seems to be regarded as the most difficult sub available, I have heard recommendations to have experience of over a year with SC products, experience with harder titles first, etc. none of which I have. I’m basically running 3 months of ‘easier’ subs as it is, before diving into K/KB in January, which was a recommendation following…
  • I’ve spoken privately with Fire about my challenges and goals, and he felt my idea of stacking Khan with KB would be a great, albeit challenging, means of getting where I want to be. No rush, go slow, stage 1s for most of the healing, then later stages as I build myself up.
  • I seek deep healing, but also action and outer results. I want to get some wins under my belt. I want to start making some positive cash-flow from my business, and create some satisfying romantic experiences in my life, alongside a mental renovation. Having some positive experiences would do me a world of good. I feel that K/KB, especially the later stages, will be very conductive to these aims. I’m not sure if DR would be.
  • A huge part of my ‘problem’ is around masculinity, confidence, sexuality, my relationship to women, hence KB/Khan seeming to be directly relevent jackhammers to begin transforming that area of my life. (Seriously, ED and fear of women is a miserable state to default to)

So currently, the idea is K/KB for the entirety of 2024.
I think by 2025, once I’ve undergone some solid growth from these 2 programs, I can re-evaluate.

If I feel I need more deep healing, then I’d be ready at that point for DR.
However, if I’ve made a sufficient transformation, and am feeling much better and more succesful in my self, then I will simply put K4/KB4 in a custom, and free up some bandwidth in my stack to strengthen other areas.

Thanks again for the question, I will take a read of the DR page this week (it’s late here in Europe and I’ll get some sleep after hitting ‘reply’) and let that marinade a while.

Why do you ask, by the way?

#52

When I read your posts, I wondered if deep healing might be helpful.

Go with what Fire says.

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#53

OK, pretty much a week without an update.

Had a PMO relapse around 6 days ago or so. And an MO a day or two after before going back into retention.

I’ve been going a bit hard on the subs, with 15 minute loops of everything.
I felt the strong desire to listen to Khan/KB. I allowed myself 1 minute of each and I felt some real relief, encouragement and empowerment. Like “this is what I NEED”. Very interesting.

Got one more week with Emp, LBFH and Regeneration before my next washout, then onto Emperor with microloops of KB1 for a cycle. Looking forward to KB immensely. Also looking forward to having just 2 subs in my stack so I can run them regularly and consistently. Even more though I am looking forward to Khan and KB… my gut is like “Why are we waiting at all before going into total breakdown?”

I’m not going to journal deep into my thoughts/feelings tonight, just need to get back into the habit.

I’ve planned out next week, scheduled my fitness, finance, spiritual and social time out pretty exactly. My goal is to stick to this schedule as well as possible.

Also since getting my PC fixed, I’m going to start again on my 3d art tonight (and have scheduled 2 hours an evening when I’m not out socialising to work on this).

#54

Rest Day Today

(Yesterday - Regeneration 5 min, LBFH 5 min)

Yesterday I experienced some emotional discomfort and thoughtforms.
Much like how a few weeks ago, the theme of ‘Unforgiveness’ was bought up in me to begin dealing with, yesterday the theme of ‘Neediness’ arose hard.

To live -within- neediness is a nightmare. It is a miserable experience, where one forever feels denied by the Self and others.** There are layers to this. There is the layer of core pain of abandonment… pre-egoic, ancient. Then built upon this are layers and layers of stories, memories of times others failed to meet our needs as a child. On-top of this, is seeing the ‘failure’ as an adult in not preventing this deep-seated grasping from having seized control and caused irreperable harm in adult relationships - through complaining, expecting, demanding, frustration, arguments, etc.

From within neediness, it seems justified that others step in. Because we had a JUST need for our caregivers to fulfill our basic needs at such a young age, and that primal emotional pattern (which is valid) plays out as an adult (which is inappropriate). However, telling that inappropriate part it is inappropriate only ever emotionally registers as another denial, another rejection.

Within neediness, resentment and entitlement breed.

To the adult, the experience of neediness is unpleasant. It is an uncomfortable gnawing in the core of the belly, a hungry cycle of lack and fear that seeks to ameliarate its own misery by getting kindness, validation, a shred of comfort from someone or something outside. But to ‘take’ causes repulsion, and invites more of the rejection that the neediness is desperately seeking to avoid. It binds the mind and body with anxiety and self-preoccupation. It inhibits our -real- need, which is to Be Love, and Share Love.

From within neediness, one is denied even a shred of love, and one rages at the world as a projection of the ones who never met their valid childhood needs. Bitterness arises at the thought of how circumstances outside of ones control, when one was an infant and young child, shaped their psyche in such a damaging way as to repulse healthy relationships, emotional wellbeing, and success.

I’m not fully sure on a way past neediness.

Journalling brings some clarity.
I can certainly focus my bodywork and bioenergetics on establishing boundaries at a gut-level, and on taking in nourishment.
I can certainly focus on sourcing my own emotional wellness through metta. And bringing in forgiveness for myself and others.
The subs, I am sure, are working on this also. Especially when I move onto Khan in 4-5 weeks.

These same like sensible ways to begin restructuring myself into a more complete adult.

Had a manifestation today.
Had a visitor to our house, who I’ve met a couple of times before at conscious dance events.
She is taking a training in tantric massage, body de-armoring, etc.
And… she needs a case-study!
This seems hugely what I need, so I’m asking for some more information and I’ll chat again with her i the near future.

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#55

Takes time and handling it from multiple aspects.

Build up your skills, so that you can achieve things without needing to depend on others - but always be open to teamwork, as minds combined is a force multiplier.

Utilize healing subliminals, to ensure any traumas are let go of. Add status and confidence ones such as Emperor, to ensure your status increases as your self-worth improves.

Improve yourself daily but allow yourself to let go of your limits and tensions.

Put in the work and take action. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

Accept that it is a feeling that arises, become okay with it, and eventually, one day, it will be okay to feel it. And one day, you’ll realize you aren’t feeling it all that often anymore.

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#56

Thanks, Fire.

Seems I’m on the right path then as I’m putting effort into all of the above.

It does give me some useful information to apply in terms of neediness with women and relationships.

If I were to focus on building up my skills and self-reliance in terms of meeting and dating women, then as I build confidence and competence, that would help to reduce the neediness to any one woman.

Something I’ll take action on in 2024 once I’ve got a few months healing with Khan and KB stage 1.

Day 17 - Emperor 10 minutes

Will fill this in as the day goes on.
Notably again, the manifestation yesterday of finding someone who needs a case-study for tantric massage. That kind of work can work deeply with de-armouring, healing trauma, and clearing the pathways for my sexual energy. Chances are that can begin sometime in the next few months, which aligns completely with the goals of KBSt1.

Today is to be another day on my grind. I’ll work on my business for the next 4-5 hours, practice yoga and meditation, do more journalling, some forgiveness, some art (2nd business, creative), some manifestation work.

Small steps all in the direction of my goals.

Got work done ok. Focus started to drop in the last hour or two alongside an onset of headache and low mood. Two thing come to mind - to lower the exposure time of Emperor (I’ll try dropping from 10 minutes to 7 minute), and to lower my coffee intake (3 cups by 2pm is excessive, I’ll try cutting that to 2 cups).

There’s also a thick cloud generally mentally and emotionally, but I don’t need to analyse that, I need to just ‘be’ with it and chill for now.

#57

Day 18 - Rest/first day of washout.

I woke up at 2.30 due to insomnia. Also had really strong early morning wood. Had some insights around relaxed sexual confidence.

As I was laying in bed unable to fall back to sleep, and practicing abstinence, I got up and journalled a little. I then had an urge to check the forums, and saw that Emperor has been updated!

I’m on washout now until Monday so thought ‘screw’ it’, and listened to 90 second of the New Emperor.

I then left for a 24/7 gym. I felt grounded, a calm strength. I said ‘good morning’ to a few strangers as I was walking, which is unlike me. Feels like a more secure way to deal with people when it’s 4am and you’re the only two on a pavement, passing each other.

Gym was intense, good workout. Felt attention on me.
Went for a walk around the local park after the gym and did some bioenergetics and stretches.
Walked around some more while bringing a woman to mind I know I’ve had some history with, and started visualising looking her in the eye and sending her an “I forgive you” mentally.

Got home. Coffee. Started working and focus has been pretty good until the sleep deprivation caught up with me around 2pm and I decided to chill.

Integrity

Downloaded one of the “free” ZPs in a moment of over-excitement. Tried to justify to myself that it’s just to try out, and I will purchase when it comes time to run it as part of my stack, when I have money, and I know that I would have held to that. Nonetheless, the justification does not stand against my conscience. I deleted it and am righteous and in integrity again. This caused me to ponder further on my behaviour. I carry a sense of guilt, and though part of it is toxic and inappropriate, there is some guilt tied in with a sense of all the minor wrongs I have done in the past. I think ‘taking what is not given’ is one of them and plays out in history of torrenting videos games, music etc. in the past. Indeed it was a resurgence of that old sub-character today. But I look at it and simply, It is not the man I wish to be. And also don’t betray your tribes. I respect the creators and community here too much to continue unconciously in those old sneaky ways of being.

This has prompted me to also delete two video games from my hard-drive I had torrented.

Mistakes and guilt require at least two things.
1 - If it’s an ongoing behaviour out of alignment, correct it as soon as possible
2 - Learn from the mistake, set a new rule for the future.
3- Forgive yourself.

I notice an old guilt-confession-OCD habit within me roused from this event today, where the responsibility for forgiveness is put outside. No. I simply need to correct the behaviours and act with integrity going forth. An emperor creates, a thief consumes. It’s a clear choice.

Receive only that which has been earned, or is freely given.

I have a friend online I speak to maybe once a month. We had a brief text exchange (she messaged me around the time I woke up actually). She made the comment “I noticed you change in the way you talk”. I asked her “How so?” She said “It’s not bad, it’s just before you always go along with my cutesy and nice mannerisms” - so, I take from this that my communication is less effeminate.

My housemate also gave me a laminate weekly planner, with to-do list, daily entries, habit tracker etc. I am considering this a manifestation as a lot of my focus atm is based around how I spend my time in order to reach my goals.

Going to meditate and do some artwork now, before I collapse.

Monday begins Emperor and Khan Black Stage 1! I am excited for this. I’m going to ease into KB gradually, I’ll be starting with 5 minutes Emperor, 30 seconds KB1. Go up 30 seconds every 2-3 listening sessions. I’ll get 2 cycles in (running Mon/Wed/Fri, taking every third Fri off) exactly before New Years, it aligns perfectly to transition Emperor over to Khan at the very beginning of 2024, if that is still something I decide to do. :sunglasses:

#58

I really enjoyed working on my art tonight.
I looked at what I’ve made so far and thought “Yup, this could definitely do well on the marketplace, it’s already a better quality than a lot of material up there”.
Plus it was so creative, and fun. Very satisfying.

#59

Washout finishes tonight, and new cycle tomorrow.

I’ve put in a fair amount of effort on all of my goals this week.
Slipped with the MO.

New cycle begins tomorrow, with a sub I’ve long been waiting to start:

Khan Black!

I’ll be running the Mon/Wed/Fri approach, every 3rd Friday off.
1st cycle:
Week 1: 30 seconds KB, 5 mins Emperor
Week 2: 60 seconds KB, 5 mins Emperor
Week 3: 90 seconds KB, 5 mins Emperor (4 day washout)
2nd cycle:
Week 1: 2 mins KB, 7 mins Emperor
Week 2: 2:30 mins KB, 7 mins Emperor
Week 3: 3 mins KB, 7 mins Emperor (4 day washout)
Then the 3rd cycle begins on Monday, January 1st, 2024 - and this will likely be the beginning of the Khan+KB odyssey.

Returning again to abstinence to the best of my ability for this cycle.

For actions supporting Khan Black, these are mostly internal/practice related.

Each morning Monday-Friday, after my morning bioenergetics, I’ll take 5-10 minutes to focus on kegels, reverse kegels, some hip/pelvic floor opening stretches, and “root focus” - basically resting awareness in the perinium/penis area to rebuild the brain-penis connection.

For my afternoon meditation practice, I’ll be moving from alternate nostril breathing to spinal breathing pranayama.

I’ll also be following up on the opportunity to be a ‘case study’ for tantric dearmoring and massage. This will work extremely synergistically with KB’s goals, and bridges the abstract realm with the physical and relational stuff - like, actually turning up and being present with a woman while she literally helps me to work through layers of conditioning, emotion, and sexual energy.

For actions alongside Emperor, this is mainly keeping up with my daily and weekly routines to keep advancing my goals, to the best of my ability. So two strenuous weightlifting sessions a week, Muay Thai once a week, working on my two solopreneur hustles, and extensive spiritual practices. Fitness/finances/spiritual advancement.

Note for self on pelvic floor work:

Note for self on pelvic floor work:
Top 5 Powerful Kegel Exercises For Men To Last Longer In Bed
Following for 1st cycle, Monday-Friday.
Exercises 1-3:

  • 5 second contraction, 5 second release, 1x10.
  • 15 second contraction, 10 second release, 1x1,
  • 1 second fast contraction, 2 second rest, 1x3,
  • Exhale 1 second contraction, inhale reverse kegel 5 second, 10x3
  • Melasana 1 min
  • Happy baby pose 1 min
  • Root focus 3 min
#60

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 1 - KB 49 sec, Emperor 5 min

Closed my eyes while playing KB and went over the 30 seconds. Mucho relaxo.
Next time I’ll keep my eyes open, or set a timer.

I noticed after playing this stack, a slow organic increase in motivation to get back in the rhythm for the week, get to the gym, and start working again.

I noticed when I was doing barbell squats at the gym that my awareness kept residing to my root chakra area, I had a keener sense of my glutes and hips and felt the fulcrum point for the squat more accutely.

I noticed a sense of, I can only describe as, “unplugging from the mind-matrix”. Less identification with my habitual thoughts. More grounded consciousness. Then Emperor picks up that state and runs with it in activity.

There was a gorgeous woman in the gym, sitting and resting on a bench I needed for my workout. I approached and asked to use it. I think beforehand I would have gone to the other bench a guy was sitting on and asked him instead.

Noticed the inner process of - It’s a HOT girl / I must pretend I do not notice / she knows anyway.

Anyway, time to shower and get on with work.

–
It was one day of the month where I had no money, money comes in tomorrow.
A housemate spontaneously offered me food.
When I went out to see friends in the evening, one of them offered me food as well - I insisted I will pay them tomorrow - we even argued a little over it, they were so insistent on helping me out lol.

Later in evening, had sadness, neediness, one-itis arise.
Had to be quite gentle with myself.

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#61

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 2 - Rest Day

Did my morning bio and and pelvic work.
Afterwards I got a good, upward-pointing boner with some light touch and just thinking of a girl.
It’s a nice result for me.
:grin:

Just a preview, and a reminder to myself that this can really work.
I had the idea that I could benefit from reading “Unwinding the belly” and incorporating some abdominal massage into these sessions, to help release some of the physical and emotional tension around my belly. That can only help with free-flowing energy.

#62

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 3 - KB 30s, Emp 5 min

Woke up two hours late, Muay Thai last night must have really knocked it out of me.

Going to skip my morning personal practices, I need to work on my site.
I’ll take some time later for meditation etc.

Will update through the day.

Extreme apathy. Physically tired. brainfog.
Breakup-centred thoughts, slightly obsessive/intrusive.
Just walked to the shop and got two hot dogs, a massive slice of carrot cake, and a dr pepper.
Very unlike me.
Just want to zone out.

Fell asleep at 7pm.

Stop letting her live rent-free in your head.
You’re an emperor, you deserve an empress, or consorts.

#63

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 4 - Rest Day

I slept 12 hours, with some breaks.
Some of the dream I had, I think, were influenced by the subs.
There was some enlightened alien admiral grilling me for a while, I think.
I don’t remember the specifics.

But there is a push to purge out old codependency/neediness/one-itis and set a boundary of getting girls out of my head for a while.

Mood is angry.
Lots of thoughts to unpack later.

Strained my back/hip/glute area during deadlifts.
The pain is pretty debilitating, I am limping slowly like a wounded animal.

I really miss my ex lately.

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