Closing off 2023: Khan Black & Emperor

Journals - Major Programs
#62

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 3 - KB 30s, Emp 5 min

Woke up two hours late, Muay Thai last night must have really knocked it out of me.

Going to skip my morning personal practices, I need to work on my site.
I’ll take some time later for meditation etc.

Will update through the day.

Extreme apathy. Physically tired. brainfog.
Breakup-centred thoughts, slightly obsessive/intrusive.
Just walked to the shop and got two hot dogs, a massive slice of carrot cake, and a dr pepper.
Very unlike me.
Just want to zone out.

Fell asleep at 7pm.

Stop letting her live rent-free in your head.
You’re an emperor, you deserve an empress, or consorts.

#63

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 4 - Rest Day

I slept 12 hours, with some breaks.
Some of the dream I had, I think, were influenced by the subs.
There was some enlightened alien admiral grilling me for a while, I think.
I don’t remember the specifics.

But there is a push to purge out old codependency/neediness/one-itis and set a boundary of getting girls out of my head for a while.

Mood is angry.
Lots of thoughts to unpack later.

Strained my back/hip/glute area during deadlifts.
The pain is pretty debilitating, I am limping slowly like a wounded animal.

I really miss my ex lately.

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#64

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 1, Day 5 - KB1 30 Sec, Emperor 5 min

Did myself an injury yesterday, difficulty in moving today (extreme pain when I try to bend at the hip, rotate, or do just about anything) so taking it very easy today.

Did notice yesterday people acting respectfully to me - lots of "Sorry mate"s etc. from men if they were in my way at the supermarket, etc. Had a hot postlady turn up today to deliver post who seemed very happy to see me, too.

I don’t feel good enough to focus on my main hustle atm, am digging through some old gamedev stuff instead.
Had a lot of fun playing with gamedev, looks like I might make the next Tomb Raider/Dark Souls crossover, lol.

Putting this here for future reference, as it succintly points to the topic of relationships, attachment, and liberation: Philosophy for Breakups | Buddhism - Einzelgänger

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#65

@RVconsultant , can you please change this topic’s title to “Closing off 2023: Khan Black & Emperor”

Thank you. :pray:

#66

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 2, Day 2 - Rest Day

(Yesterday was 1 min KB1, 5 min Emp)

Experienced a crappy weekend and start of the week.

MO, junk food, poor mood, etc.

Meditation and semen retention are my anchors right now.

It’s evening here now, I’m making a point tomorrow to get back into all of my positive actions.

#67

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 2, Day 3 - KB1 1min, Emp 5 min

A more productive day, today.
Bioenergetics done, meditation done, work on my website done, work on my artwork done.
Still have some back/hip pain, so holding off on the gym until that’s recovered.

#68

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 2, Day 5- KB1 1min, LBFH 5 min, Emp 5 min

I have the weekend off subs and really feel in need of LBFH, so decided to include it today. Got 72 hours of washout now to integrate.

Mood has been pretty terrible. There is a matrix of subconscious attitudes and beliefs I’ve been shying away from directly analysing.

Mainly around being a “have-not”. And being jealous of the “haves”. And cursing my life story.

How would it feel to actually have good income?
How would it feel to actually feel confident and at-ease with sex?
How would it feel to have choice with dating?
How would it feel to have a loving relationship?
How would it feel to be free of negativity and anxiety?
How would it feel to be at peace with myself?
How would it feel to be comfortable in my own skin? To really feel safe and secure?
How would it feel to be free from shame, guilt, and a sense of harbouring secrets?
How would it feel to know my own authentic power?
How would it feel to experience real love?
How would it feel to experience freedom in all areas of my mind, body and life?

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#69

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 2, Day 7 - Rest Day

Noticing a little more nocturnal wood. Maybe KB and the pelvis exercises.

Had a dream this morning where I stopped a thief from stealing from a store owner. I then gave the man some money and had him promise not to steal for a week? It was all very polite.

Had some interesting insights as I was waking up… and an increased sense of calm…
I don’t seem able to recall the insights now.

Think the subs are doing -something- in the recesses of my mind.

#70

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 3, Day 1 - KB 1:30, Emperor 5

Interesting dream this morning.
I was at my childhood home, annoyed and with my parents.
My father asked me some questions with curiosity about why I shut down my anger.
I explained to him that it is because I am afraid that I will be judged, shamed, not taken seriously, not accepted in it.

Mood continues to be low.
Bringing metta and good affirmations in.
Just a constant processing in my mind of stuff, tension in belly, ‘overthinking’, the polarities of trauma.

Got some work done, felt super tired.
Meditation was really interesting.
Felt a lot going on in the lower chakras - warmth, expansion, fire.
Kinda badass.
Something going on with KB there.

#71

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 3, Day 2 - Rest

MO’d last night.

Had a call with an onboarding therapist this morning.

Yeah, dealing with attachment trauma etc.

Energy to write is low right now.

Will try and write something more progressive and useful later lol.

#72

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 3, Day 4 - Washout Day 1

Yesterday was KB 1:30, Emp 5

NGL, I am feeling like a zombie these past couple of days.
The back injury lead to time off from working out, and it’s the dead of winter, feeling motivation to work and exercise has dropped a lot.

Think I’m shedding layers, which is tiring work.
I meditate, then need to sleep for an hour.
Like I’m being pruned.

#73

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 3, Day 5 - Washout Day 2

What an arduous week.

The motivation for most things is fading.

I’m setting plans for next week to pick my stuff back up (gym/work etc).

On a bit of an introspective trajectory now in winter.

It feels like time for catabasis, not for empire building.

Khan is calling.

On the plus side, I’ve discovered the angion method, that may be a huge support for my sexual goals next year. And I’ve got my first tantric therapy/massage session next week.

trauma dump

I really loved you
this hurts
im so scared
and so sad

i need you still
youre so beautiful
its torment
i want to be with you

i love you
im bleeding
my wounds bleed
such grief

and i cry
im a mess

and im so ashamed to be authentic with women
because i had a sex doll
because ive visited sex workers
its a secret that haunts me

labels
creepy, weird, pathetic
i was in pain
heartbroken
despairing
wanted whatever comfort and pleasure i could get
practice for sex
so touch deprived
nurture deprived
a surrogate
just some comfort
some oxytocin

im so ashamed
that i wont get hard
or cant keep hard
and if I do get hard, that i will cum too soon
that im an inadequate lover

that im not a relaxed man
but a boy
i need comfort
i need nurture
i need reassurance
i need the warmth, the homecoming

i didnt get it
just shards of pain
isolation
loneliness
rejection

i cant keep all this lived rejection in my body and psyche
its torture.

christ
just give me a break

man is meant to be strong and safe
and hold a woman in all her storms

but a man is rejected
for having weaknesss?

but fuck my pain
I’ve got to be the rock
for her pain

if she is weak
bring all my ultimate skills and presence to bare
to hold her in that moment
and be her ultimat elover

and if i’m weak
NEXT
rejected
replaced

rage at the injustice
frustration

and neediness is selfish taking
it is not unconditional love
why do i struggle then to embody unconditional love
to be that healthy man

trauma

how do I heal this?
bring my presence to bare
to hold my own wounds
to remind mysel i am consciousness
to find the fortitude to sit with these swells o pain
to take attention from outside
to love myself

to hold the one inside that needs holding
I hold myself

but… I am not a woman
and again this needinesss
this battling need to feel warm with a woman
its a mother wound

how to reconcile?

make my inner landscape warmer, suffuse that inner child

turn the attention inwards to fulfill the child
then turn the attention outwards to move forwards as an adult.

a call from my father
checking my phone number is the same because of some text he got
he could hear im down

“you know if you’re down you can always talk to us”
yeah, right.
what a cruel trick of fate.

you cant handle this.

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#74

I went to a really cool soundbath/guided meditation tonight at a beautiful church.

The message that came through is that Love is the key to both healing that inner child, increasing happiness, and more fully embodying myself as a healthy adult man.

There’s an element of joy to it all.
Curiously, a lady at the event tonight seemed happy to have met me, to the point of her maybe seeming a little embarrassed.

KB is bringing up my own fears and embarrassment - this whole part of my story about having got a doll is getting louder and louder in my head, like I need to talk to somebody about it to help relieve the shame.

For now I must simply accept that I was in a helluva painful place at the time and it helped with oxytocin, comfort, and some fun release. That it was a phase and is over, and now I am dealing with things in a far healthier way.

I’m feeling a call to simplify and dedicate more time to my spiritual practices, so I am planning accordingly.

These tantric sessions will no doubt help me shift a lot in-line with KB’s objectives. I have my first session a week today.

Been reading more about the angion method and am currently in the research/planning phase.

#75

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 3, Day 5 - Washout Day 3

Being faced with a lot of past mistakes and perversions of my younger self.

And the idea to learn from these mistakes, forgive myself, and -not- require external validation.

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#76

Khan Black 1 & Emperor - Cycle 1
Week 3, Day 5 - Washout Day 4

I’ll be starting the new cycle tomorrow, and moving over to the stack that I will be sticking to for the next year. Khan & Khan Black.

My gut’s been calling out for Khan for months now, it feels like a relief to finally begin. I’m sure it will be challenging, but ultimately all I’m doing is letting go of baggage I’ve held on to for too long, and coming back to myself.

I’ll be listening Mon/Wed/Fri, and I’ll likely include a once-a-week run of LBFH on the Friday.

I’ll use December as a slow ramp-up in the 3-5 minute range of each. I’ll probably be on stage 1 of both for the next 4-6 months. There’s no rush.

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#77

Now moving into Khan/Khan Black.

@RVconsultant please close this thread - thank you so much.

#78