Closing off 2023: Khan Black & Emperor

Journals - Major Programs
#22

Cycle 1, Day 4 (Rest Day)

Last night: 15 min Asc, 15 min GLM.

Remember feeling stress during the listeing session.
Thoughts that came to mind - “Stop trying so hard. Stop giving so many fucks. Stop caring so much. What do you actually want? Peace of mind, money, women, growth. It’s okay to feel angry/old/depressed. it’s okay to be selfish”. As someone who is more of a ‘sensitive new-age nice guy’, this felt like integration.

No dreams of note.

Woke early so got up and went to the gym.
I was walking on the pavement to the gym and some twerp tried to walk directly at me, there was plenty of space elsewhere to walk. I locked eyes with him, I kept walking forward and his bag got a shoulder full of GLM. Stupid kid trying to AMOG me.
Workout was good.

Got home and did my morning practices. Felt a sense of peace and clearheadedness.
Revised list of what I want:
Peace of mind / Spiritual/mental/emotional freedom
Money / financial freedom
Sexual / relationship freedom

Female housemate said she’s noticed the work I was doing at the gym, that I’m looking physically hot, that I’m a handsome attractive guy and when I start dating ago I’m going to wow some women.

Tried to work on my site
Got distracted, again. Head heavy and huge pressure in my guts.
A lot of anger, had to growl into a pillow.

Friday I’ll listen to GLM and LBFH, then wash-out until next Monday.
Considering taking the times down from 15 min to 10 min next week as the emotions have been strong and it’s been messing with my focus on work. Probably recon.

Also my mind keeps going to ‘other subs’, considering I’m one week into my 3-month stack, I’ll treat this as shiny object syndrome and possibly recon for now.
But I’m aware that I want some wealth/productivity scripting, so I’m considering changing Ascension to Ascended Mogul in January.
I’m aware that one of my biggest blocks is fear and shame around sex, as well as ED, PE, feeling embarrased and weak sexually, so maybe swap GLM for Primal in January.
Or maybe just go Khan lol.

But for now I put these thoughts aside. Plenty of power in Asc/GLM/LBFH, enough to challenge me for months to come.

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#23

This should be the “Welcome to SubClub” Stack imo. You will see massive growth. Trust me. Good luck bro.

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#24

Housemate: Can you please make sure you wash the blender rightaway after using it?
Me: Don’t tell me what to do!! But also, yes, I agree I should and I will absolutely I will do that.
Both of us: Laughter

Housemate: I’m going to play music, would you prefer I use headphones?
Me: I’m working, so that would be great, thank you.

Humour, self-respect, respect from others, win-win, collaboration.

Now working - I need to actually focus. I’ve been finding it hard to focus and do the writing/editing. Really tempted to switch Ascension to Ascended Mogul next cycle to help support my new habit of working hard on my new business, while keeping Ascension’s goals progressing.

#25

I get this kind of recon quite often. It may be recon in your case as well.

#26

Yeah, quite possibly.

My impression is that there is so much processing going on under the hood, the analytic part of my brain kind goes into a fog. Like I’d rather just rest and observe, and consciously guide the process. I’m integrating three different scripts alongside transcendental meditation and manifesting some stuff, with a background of negative feeling and beliefs to there is a ton of work being done internally right now.

Got to find the right balance though so that I can still hit my outer goals. Next week I’ll reduce listening times to 10 minutes and see if that frees up some bandwidth.

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#27

Taking one day off helped me resolve it and I had a quite productive day today. I took a day off since I felt that the processing was too taxing mentally. It looks like I need one more day off. I suggest you should do the same, mate.

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#28

Let me check with my boss if I can take the afternoon off…

…OK, had a word with myself, and yes I can (after I’ve finished this one article).

Self-employment for the win.

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#29

GLM/LBFH 15 mins each.

Did something I’ve almost never done before, and definitely not done in many years.

I went out into town tonight alone.

Stopped by a couple of bars.

I wanted to simply ‘be around people’.
Stretch goal was to say hi to somebody, but didn’t get that far.

Observed the beta. Observed the anxiety, the shutting off.
Observed the critical voice ‘what must people think of you sitting alone in a bar’ (probably nothing, noone gives a shit lol)
Considered approaching a couple of women, felt the resistances… heavy head, anxiety in the body, “You’re a loser, you’re a creep, you’re weird, you’re aging, you’re balding, you’re anxious and negative and it’ll do no good”

Finished my drink, left it there and walked home.
Wanted to be in the environment and simply see what goes on in my mind and energy.

There was one girl on a date with some guy who made the eye contacts with me for a couple seconds. lol.

The promise I made to myself is that whatever I do or don’t do, I’ll be compassionate to myself.

And again, I’ve not done anything like this in years. I’d usually stay at home on a weekend.

Weekend off subs now, I’ll start again with Asc/LBFH on Monday.
Tomorrow I’ll start setting up a Pinterest to get backlinks for my website.

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#30

Been in what I assume is recon all weekend.

Like brain fog, no motivation
Been scrolling the forums here and watching youtube almost all weekend
Total laziness.

An old friend messaged me. She ignored my last message to her a year ago and now she’s messaged asking me for a favour with a little “also how are you!!” thrown in at the end. I have about a 1/10 motivation to reply tonight.

I find reading these forums fascinating. This technology is fascinating. The experiences of healing, growth, advancement, manifestation are inspiring. I’m in the obsessive phase learning all this. Sure it’ll balance out at some point. And as always, a holistic approach to life and taking action are important.

Did take some time mentally mapping how my practices, subs, and actions can all interplay and align to building the future I want, so I think that is useful mental action, conscious guidance to all I’m doing.

Going to cut the loop times down from 15 minutes to 5 minutes next week, then scale up 2 minutes each week until I hit a sweet spot. The 15 minutes was too disruptive to my outward responsibilities.

Anyway, gonna go plan my week ahead and get some more rest.

One action step I need to take next week is to engage with the online-wealth group I’m currently subscribed to. I will make an effort to join one of the group calls this week. Some people there are earning amazing money, and there is a good coach. I need to network. I think I feel a bit ashamed at my difficulty in writing articles, and am wary of being seen as lazy. Maybe I just need to power through.

#31

Alright, had a sexual dream and nocturnal emission.

Woke up feeling drained.

I remembered that I must employ discipline, regardless of how I feel, and forced myself to the gym. Pushed through and actually had a great workout.

Noticed some anxiety dealing with a housemate - sat with the anxiety and felt it was the inner wounded child.

Tried to focus on work but the emotions were pervasive and strong.

Skipped meditation.

Going out this evening to spend some time at a friend’s house.

When I get home tonight, I’ll run Asc/LBFH 5 mins each.

Tomorrow I will aim to complete at least one article properly, and join a group-call for my business mentorship group.

I’ll also aim to do my morning bioenergetics, and evening meditation.

#32

Just trying to plug away at work but my brain is so heavy, and mood drained.

I’m around six weeks into NoFap, and suspect I’m in a flatline/depression - Nofap Depression: The Dark side of Nofap that everyone hides. - BasicIdeaz

I also stopped video gaming.

Went to the store to get some milk, felt a pull to get some snacks but the word ‘discipline’ came to mind, and I denied myself.

IDK why but one housemate and I have this tense energy sometimes.
I noticed the old self wanting to avoid entering the same room as them.
I said to my self ‘fuck that’ and went in anyway, I had stuff in there I needed to do.

I’m feeling a desire to get the money together to move out.
I get on well with these guys and am thankful for my time here.
But I want a place of my own to live. I want to be bringing girls back.
For now I need to focus on the money.

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#33

this ego is so full of nonsense.
the real juice is in awareness.
Real power and peace doesn’t come from the thinking mind.
I aim to align myself to this presence.
And release the patterns of my ego, while slowly growing new ones.
Then I can chill in my god-self, with an effective integrated ego.
Everything worthwhile comes from this deeper awareness.
I wouldn’t even need ‘game’ or ‘pickup’… or if it’s used, it’s just a conduit, a pathway, for the deeper polarity and connection of souls.
So it’s letting go of all the nonsense… clearing it out.
Installing new programs.
“Being zen”, with psyche cleared of traumatic residue, and an effective set of thoughts/behaviours to navigate the world.
After 30+ years of anxiety, that sounds good to me. I’ll take it.

Semen retention, subliminals and transcendental meditation.
Don’t even need to take anything to get high.

8min Asc, 7 min GLM done.

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#34

Rest day…

In every sense!

Finally got a full night’s sleep, and woke up tired and late.
Decided to postpone today’s gym session to tomorrow.
Tried to work but could not focus.

Feeling called to stillness.
I’ve worked hard on my business the last 3-4 months, and I’m feeling the call for rest.
A lot of processing going on.
Needing to let go and connect again with my spirit.

Had another wave of feeling discomfort around one housemate. I avoided him this time. I just want to be.

Had a dream this morning, I don’t remember the details but Jordan Peterson was in it, and as soon as I woke I grabbed my copy of 12 rules for life from my bookshelf. Guess my subconscious wants me to read it, so I’m going to start reading it right this moment.

Edit - Now I see one reason why, and it’s this quote.
In all these triumph stories, the hero has to go into the unknown, into an unexplored territory, and deal with a new great challenge and take great risks. In the process, something of himself has to die, or be given up, so he can be reborn and meet the challenge. This requires courage.

Peace

#35

Well after around 45+ days, I MO’d last night 3x during insomnia bout.
Poor EQ and wasn’t even that enjoyable.

I remind myself that this is just flatline, I’m not cursed forever.
And I’ve made progress in the past 6 weeks, no porn, some repair going on, etc.
I’ll keep trucking on, get another 10-12 weeks of retention and healing in.

Tempted to go straight for Khan/KB in January. For broad-spectrum masculine development.
Maybe it is too heavy, I’ve sent a support ticket in for advice.

I could do with focusing on my new solo business, too, from which I’m currently experience burnout and writer’s block. Perhaps with KB’s backup, Khan can get to work without distracting me too much from my business.

Maybe Ascended Mogul, LBFH, and then alternate SMX and PS each week to start working on the sex/romance side.

Going to allow myself today and weekend off work and gym. I’m exhausted.

#36

GLM 15 mins, LBFH 15 min.

Broke down crying during GLM…

“You’re a beautiful, worthy and a good man. You’ve been through a lot. Stop beating yourself up. You have a good heart, you deserve some good fortune, some money and success, a good woman, some loving, some sex. You deserve happiness and success. The same one you’d call immature, weak, or not good enough is the same one who in reality IS the man you want to be, stop insulting him. You’re strong.”

Could feel the healing.

It’s like I’ve been putting up a front in the world, hiding and judging my true self as weak.
Sub is pushing through that the same ‘weak true self’ inside has just been through a lot and needs some healing and encouragement, but is actually awesome… not dirty, not a wussy, just been holding onto a lot of pain. I’ve been way too hard and judgemental on myself (internalised father figure)

The untangling continues.

The housemate I’d had some awkwardness with the last few days started a nice conversation with me. LBFH?

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#37

LBFH directed me mid-thought stream last night to pick up an old Buddhist book about the teachings of Dipa Ma, and metta/lovingkindness practice. My evenings are pretty sparse at the moment, so I may just do a relaxed metta meditation/contemplation an hour in the evenings.

I’ve also found a bioenergetics youtuber who is also a devout Christian, and found talks on forgiveness…

This is leading me down a rabbit hole of healing this childhood wound, through psychosomatic therapy and finding “forgiveness/love”, which is fitting for all the hurt, resentment and bitterness I hold towards my father.

Next week I’ll listen Asc/LBFH on Monday, Asc/GLM on Wednesday, then take 4-5 days off. Probably best I keep them to 7 minutes not 15.

Also had a pretty horrific, trippy dream/nightmare last night.

I was at a house party. There was some stuff involving a girl I don’t remember the specifics of.
What I do remember is going out the front porch to have a smoke with a friend at one point, and it was full moon.
Ahh - full moon - “that is when the danger comes”, I remembered, and urged my friend to come inside.
I ran around the house, clambering over party goes and shouting at them, to close the windows, close all the windows.
Because if the windows were open, the chilling evil could get in.
Lo and behold, not all the windows were closed in time, and some of this evil energy got inside.
It crawled into people. It was like a visible line of dark energy under the skin. it started crawling up someone’s finger and I had to amputate it to stop it spreading… but a little got past so I had to saw their arm off to stop the spread.
My mind boggles. It was weird af.

#38

How powerful are these subs??

This is -actually- provoking a healing response…
There’s a building pressure to finally forgive my parents.
And it hurts like hell
But there’s relief in these tears.
I’ve spent my whole life with this burden, and it feels like grace is coming in and lifting it from me?

There is -actually- a drive to turn my life around.
I’m sitting here and planning my goals for the next few years, and the actions I’ll need to take.

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#39

Did morning bioenergetics and gym.
Bioenergetics got very angry, screaming/catharting. So much anger to integrate.
Gym was a hard slog but I got it done.

Sitting to work and again my focus is gone. I’m emotional right now, waves of anxiety and sadness.
Like anger/anxiety/sadness, thought of my parent, past relationships, my ‘story’, all amplified right now.
It’s beyond ‘pushing through’, my mind is shot.

I think I need to slow down a little with all the practices/healing so that I can get shit done. I’m so desperate for a breakthrough that I’m pushing too hard and knocking myself off balance into emotional waters. I need some stability and forward-movement, not putting myself in states where I can’t even focus outwardly. It’s a tricky balance, it’s becoming clear that I have a lot of emotional healing to around my father and relationships, and that emotion is 11/10 intense asking for my attention, but I can’t just descend into a healing hell. I need to make money and keep moving forward.

For the rest of this month, I will limit each sub to 5 minutes. I’ll keep the bodywork and meditation I do simple and gentle. I’ll keep my daytime for outward action, and evening for journalling/giving myself the needed rest.

Fitness-wise, I get paid on Friday, and I’m going to start Muay Thai next week. I’ll need to quit vaping in order to afford classes ongoing, so that’s a double win really. So get rid of vaping, and I’m weightlifting and doing Muay Thai - that’s a big improvement.

Business-wise, easing up on sub exposure and practices will hopefully let things balance out a bit so that more of my resources are available to focus on my business. I also reached out to my mentor explaining my challenges and I’m hopping on a call with him tomorrow. I’ll try to make a plan with him on how I can keep pushing.

Also set some longer-term goals/vocations for myself that are more aligned with my purpose than my current business. Yoga/bioenergetics teacher. This year it’s just ‘practice and learn’, next year start executing on making these a reality.

Build my wealth via my blog. Aim is to get to $10k/month. Work 4-6 hours, 5-6 days a week.

In future, combine all I’ve learned to create my own brand and help people through classes, online products and coaching.

Romance-wise, I think this year I need to heal and learn. Going to pick up a copy of 3% man and begin learning about ‘authentic game’. Really just to prime my mind for next year when I will push myself to start dating/meeting women.

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#40

Having just read my above post, it’s clear to me that one action I can take is to make time in my evenings for reading about the subjects I am seeking to master. I need to make a book list.

#41

Stop acting a needy.
Stop whining, complaining, begging, nagging.
Man up.

Stop ‘needing’ so much.

Reconciliation.
Childhood.
Rejection.

Subs are digging into my subconscious and touching near some trauma.
One short loop of Asc/GLM this evening, then 5 days off.
Just going to be kind with myself this week, no pressure.

Had an inner drillmaster order me to do 100 pushups. So I did.
Never had that happen before. Might be some GLM or Ascension influence there as I was in a funk mentally processing.

Been led to a book on radical forgiveness… being pushed to look at my resentment around my upbringing. Probably some LBFH at work.

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