I’ll admit I’ve not noticed recon from a previous sub, but I have had previous subs “wake up” when on a newer sub. I’ve seen others share this too, mostly when new builds come out.
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I felt some deep fear this morning. Began writing. Stopped. I even felt like I was gonna get sick.
About to leave for work. Had to lay down.
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Day 2 of washout
I’m in a messy spot. I want to/I don’t want to…feel this/face this.
I got triggered by a guy I worked near today, one who I’ve worked with before. He said one thing…and I felt myself pained inside. Instantly, I wondered…“why won’t he love me?”
That’s the expectation I put on him. The reason he’s painful to be around. But this isn’t about him.
I reverted to a child’s thinking, having wanted to earn some love or acceptance. He’s refused to give it. —and right there is usually when I put all the focus on him. I just couldn’t go there today.
I allowed him permission to see parts of my heart when I worked with him months back. And…I still resort to feeling like a kid around him. Today, without any dialogue or communication at all, I opened up my heart some since I worked near him all of 10 minutes. He gave one verbal swipe, and I reacted just like I did when I was young. I wondered "why won’t you love me?’
That’s where I’m vulnerable. I felt like I’d done something to have him not “love” me, but I wasn’t looking through adult eyes. I felt like a young kid expecting and depending on him to love me.
I’ve avoided putting blame or responsibility on the people in my past, and months back I actually broke down one day since this coworker was stirring the same wound. This pain is what I’ve been afraid to own, and I commonly blame myself…(how do I heal this?) That was why I broke down. I rarely face myself with love at all when I’m blaming myself. I felt like shit and just balled.
Today, I realized that that single unmet expectation is why I’ve held resentments toward men. Like I see them failing me even before I open my mouth. And I’ve put that expectation on other men since… .since I didn’t allow myself my own love. I thought I didn’t know how. What I know now is I wouldn’t allow it.
Connection here: If I loved myself, I might lose that “role” of being a little brother in need of his brother. AKA I might lose my brother’s love. Did I just see that?
Fuck it. I feel scared because I’m vulnerable. But this is where I’ve been circling back to in my life
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Day 3 of washout of Emperor and my LB Sanguine custom
Yesterday, my mind began remembering ASBR’s mental productivity in finances along with tons of ideas that came to me while using it. I enjoyed reminiscing.
I had 2 trains of thought.
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Am I being led that direction by my subconscious?
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Is this recon?
Because I was loving the memories. I just felt cautious since when I’m facing change and its recon, subs pop up suddenly “to save the day”. So, I DM’d someone here who’s pointed this out with me before.
I was relieved in his first assessment, as I’ve written on previous day 3’s of washout that…get this…“I’m going to change to X after this washout”. And I have. Numerous times. The short of it is I’ll be staying on Emperor.
To stack on that “why?”, I’ll try to explain what I sensed this morning. In short, Emperor doesn’t advertise itself as a personal improvement sub. It boasts productivity, a powerful mindset, and wealth training. (And I know …uh huh…that I’ve not been looking lately)
But fuck…maturity? I’ve been skating this one. Hell yes, I have. I wrote of a revelation yesterday of me holding onto immature thinking since “if I grow up, I’ll lose my brother’s love”. Additionally, this mindset has been beneficial…gawd…since it puts responsibility on someone else..
And yes, I’ve enjoyed ducking and dodging this (it’s been a childish game, honestly), since someone somewhere (in a dysfunctional parental savior mode) will pick up responsibilities needing tending to.
This morning, I sensed a maturity, a stability, and … acceptance growing in me. It wasn’t loud at all. It was maturity I’ve only imagined before. Again, it was not loud and strong. It just was.
I woke up being aware of this, with me getting up to do chores I’ve hated doing. But while doing them, that’s when my mind began piecing this together. Doing stuff doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy it. (Sounds all mature-ish). But I hung on to this since it made me feel stronger, capable, and willing to grow.
And this is coming from a man who’s avoided major growth and change for multiple decades.
I’m so used to avoiding awareness of this. Truth. Which is why any action has been avoided for so long–in work changes, in finances, and in all relationships. A vicious spiral.
I feel good admitting that change–to myself.
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I can see a difference in you since you’ve started running Emperor. It’s great to see, champ.
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On that note…I’m in a different spot right now. I’ll paint a word picture to explain.
I’m home, like I am normally on Sundays. I did my chores yesterday, and I did some this morning. I watched one movie this morning…just to blow off time. 45 minutes ago I pulled up a free-press news site which I only pull up occasionally since some stuff’s pretty shocking. I thought I could handle some tough truth. Well, really I wanted to see where I was at emotionally.
After 30 minutes of it, I felt despondent. I was pretty discouraged (it was US and world news). But I did notice something different in me. Really different.
Normally, I’ll try to bury those feelings I’m facing, and I’ll usually be really QUICK about it. And if that’s even partially successful, I’ll run to something else to keep distracting myself. So yeah, normally I’ll try to mentally dodge (painful realities), and this takes a HELL OF A LOT of mental energy.
I didn’t do that at all. I felt despondent, and I stayed with those feelings. Even feeling that now, I’m remembering being in high school, trying to face tough realities at home (since I wanted to feel capable of handling life as a young male). That’s a flashback I’ve never seen.
It’s quite a contrast to going straight to “flight” mode.
I held to a desire while beginning Emperor…that it might help me “grow up”. That I might not be blown down by every trial or challenge. That’d I’d mature on it.
And why I’m still writing now, honestly, is I’m seeing something I don’t want to do. It seems daunting. It’s just…letting go. Letting go of old hideouts, hangouts, excuses, reasons, escapes…
Well, I am aware of it. That’s part of it. My gut’s shaking now, so I’m closer (tears rising).
That’s all of me. Today.
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Day 4 of washout
Emperor is keeping its pressure on. I’m ready to face my day, but part of me is still holding on to yesterday.
Yesterday is the illusion that I can live and not face life.
I’m being pulled into something new. But the tension I feel is from me trying to ignore the present. Emperor’s at work.
This is a good thing.
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Anger. Something I’ve really buried most of my life.
I was reading a recon thread, and I found this.
I’ve feared my anger. I’ve hid behind excuses to not let myself see it. Hiding anger was justified since I thought people would like me for not calling them out.
And presently, I’m feeling anger. It feels inviting…but I can’t see what it’ll produce.
I’m actually struggling defending my not telling people why I’m angry. I’m losing that battle.
I have no f***ing clue what’s happening. But @JCDenton’s remark about the identity change excited me. I’m only struggling with it since I can’t find any mental box for it. I usually have all kinds of avoidance mechanisms in place.
@Sub.Zero, I’d like your input here. I’m not trying to understand anger. I’d like a personal acceptance of my anger, and an insight to what’s really going on. Emperor and LB seem to be raising it in me. I’ve just been listening to self-defeating messages in my head about it forever.
(LB just came through. I felt some self-forgiveness, and it saddened me.)
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I was just about to reply to you with this.
Recon + LB → release of the emotion through self-forgiveness
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Day 5 of washout
I know I don’t share this often in my posts, but I only use 5 minute loops. The last time I tried going longer was months back when I used Genesis again. And I clearly felt it.
The mental stress is felt immediately when I go longer. I flash back to days of doing multiple one-hour loops, feeling…overloaded. I never liked those feelings then, and I still don’t. I just felt helpless…and powerless over the hell I was in.
If using longer loops was my only choice, I might have ditched subliminals long ago.
I know of one person who’s repeatedly overloaded himself with subliminal input. He’s also pulled off them. I can understand. I don’t envy the hell he put himself through.
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I’ll admit this. It’s day 5 of washout, and my brain is still chewing on stuff. The subs have entered a new area for me. Lots of challenges and recon this cycle.
My first thought was trying 3 minute loops. But then I thought doing a longer washout.
In opposition, I had those “We need to keep pushing through!” thoughts come up.
Maybe I just need more sleep. Only got 6 hours.
Your point is hard to accept since its dependent on dismissing other’s points.
I don’t like being dismissed constantly. My bad for expecting something different. Do not reply. I’m done with this
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Day 2
Rest day
I’ve not wanted to write. I’ve been pissed and angry as old things I’ve accepted are just not acceptable anymore.
Even writing that brought up memories of me playing my old role. Pisses me off.
It’s about responsibility. I’ve always given it away or avoided it. Now when people expect me to bow to their “leadership”, I get pissed quickly.
The condescension is what infuriates me.
@Sub.Zero, I created this mess, and when you replied with all the answers, it pissed me off.
This morning, I first saw why. Simply put, I’ve avoided truths which I do. Your answers were obvious. I didn’t want to see them. I’ve been avoiding them much of my life. I’m still not ok with them.
But being pissed and aware is new. I am not ok with how I’ve treated myself–even now, that’s new awareness.
But I’m extremely reactive to anyone giving me undesired “shoulding”. I will not tolerate that.
I put you on Ignore right after that last exchange. I have no tolerance for any shoulding or shaming. I also expect justifications for your behavior. I won’t allow it. I don’t like denial. I spot it because I’ve got it.
I’m beginning to see my projections in this too. Comes with regret.
Day 3
Emperor this morning
LB later today
I’m doing and thinking differently, and I’m finally starting to accept it.
One is how I’m standing up for myself. I did it here, and last night I did it with my trader.
For years, we’ve done what I call survival trading. Start from 0, trade for a week or two, and pay someone. Over and over, starting from scratch each and every time.
I think it was on ASBR, but I insisted we start compounding our gains. Why the hell are we constantly starting from zero?
It made no sense then, and it makes no sense now.
I rebooted my trading program last night since they have these models to follow.
Yeah, my standards are raising. I stood up for myself.
And I even looked for old fallback mentalities I’ve used before. I found them. But they weren’t what I wanted. Not even close.
My biggest fear was…people leaving me. The internal drive pushed past it. I couldn’t dwell on it.
Changes. For real.
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Day 6
Rest day
I woke up desiring control of my little world. It was a reaction to last night.
Last night I began making moves toward me trading. I paid to open my platform the night before, and I’d given my word that I’d take action yesterday. I noticed I felt fear, though it wasn’t stopping me cold.
I first opened an email from the platform’s founder about a hot token about to explode, and I followed that, feeling this fear all along. I wanted to buy some, and I opened up one crypto exchange I knew I’d need access to for trading. I spent close to an hour gathering and submitting info for KYC, and I finally finished about 11pm. I called it quits since it was late.
I know I dreamed about fears associated with this, as I woke up once with clear recall of a fearful dream.
I woke up feeling small (young), focused on maintaining that mentality. I still feel it, but I’m not fully into it. Strangely for me (though not for SubClub) I sense taking action is the only way I’ll learn how to move through this.
Gonna check my trader’s email replies, then jump in.
I’m experiencing frequent moments where it’s like I notice some phony inner belief or stance, but I stay with it long enough to see…that it really is phony. Because normally I dodge that truth.
It’s freeing. Saddening at first, since I’m letting something go. I just feel like I’ve been bullshitting myself so long, so often, everywhere and anywhere in life.
I’m tired of lying. I do that to myself. Makes me insecure and physically uncomfortable around people since…“I can see the bullshit–can’t they see it?” Which is why I run away from others…when stuff might have gone differently.
I’m sad. I’m experiencing little moments NOT chained to old beliefs. Those chains were attractive since I didn’t have to own responsibilities (for caring about other people) while I carried my chains.
I have no effing clue where this is going. No clue.
2 days off (weekends) are opening me up, like it happened while on DR.
The feeling within is “Where the fuck is this going?” A recon realization that change is happening. Now.
Day 7
2nd rest day
Tired of lying. Just wanted to post that.
This morning I’m finding a fear of taking on small responsibilities, which are mostly things I’ve put on myself (stuff like taking a walk this morning, finishing my laundry, watering my garden, etc), while I actually resumed a crypto lesson with my trading platform. Various motives there.
But the first set of things I can do–I’m unwilling to do them if I’m hiding behind some front, some “everyone look at me” disguise. That’s been an often used motivation, but dammit, it’s another hideout. Hiding from me. It says “I need YOUR approval and admiration to do this”. Something’s changing in me. Ok.
I see I’m writing now since I’m still hanging on to this old “look at me” front. I ignore me, or rather, I manipulate others for their attention. And that does not feel good. I use people for my own gain. I don’t feel right. I’ve done that for a long time, and I can’t keep doing this. Using people isn’t right. I can’t continue this.
And doing the crypto lesson was easier since I have no audience. No conflicted conscience while listening to and thinking about lessons.
But the other…the other is still there. Gonna take a walk.
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