You’re not off the mark. You nailed it. As long as anyone feeds his weak ego and subscribes to his narrative, he’ loud about his approval.
But he’s slimy. Talking shit about people as soon as they’re out of earshot. Even his “friends”.
Some people are full of pain, and it’s the only thing they can give away.
What hits me is his denial is glaring. It screams at me.
Because I see myself in him. I’ve mindfucked myself like that. It’s painful and troubling to see.
And writing that allowed me to see it clearer.
What I’ve been most disturbed by is his denial in thinking he has control over people. Or worse yet, he believes he has a right to control other people.
That belief is the fruit of all his denied self-hatred.
And that’s why it’s disturbing. Because I have that choice too. Maybe I’ve been living like that and have been in denial. Ouch.
I’ve got to change. The subs are helping. I’m taking a 3rd rest day since they’re still processing.
My own mental shit is stirring. Letting it happen.
I realized minutes after posting that I’ve lived without love, and I was surviving.
Life is so much more than that. This is exciting discovering more.
I’ve been back at our shop since our truck had an issue.
But I was aware of my inner motivations as well. I said something to one of our very competent techs, and I felt exactly like I’ve been viewing my housemate’s treatment of me. Like I was trying to be in control of him.
I felt it only a few minutes before finding the tech and apologizing. He hadn’t picked up my intention when I said it initially, so I admitted I’d done something which bothers me when others treat me that way, and I didn’t want to do that. My voice started cracking while speaking. He was okay with it.
I’m still soft.
I’ve got that song stuck in my head now.
I always liked their sound though.
I did too when I was in middle school
At least I wasn’t my older brother who’s first record he ever bought with his own money was the Carpenters
Carpenters…dang I remember them. It was a different time period.
Listening to my LB Sanguine custom now. I’ve been seeing LB bloom today. It’s not very subtle.
30 minutes ago I noticed the same thing that I noticed last weekend. I came home from work, and that sense of protection came up, making it easy to keep my distance from my housemate. I had gone out to water my garden, and I felt this silent protection grabbing my attention. I listened, and I kept distance.
I did notice a lot of women today…and my normal mental barriers to them were not up. I had 3 or 4 I kept my eyes on, but it was my mind that had me visualizing active relationships. It was enjoyable. Some older, some younger…but it was really not my norm to keep thinking about and looking at beautiful women.
I did it because it was relaxing. It filled a part of me that felt right.
Lastly, I’ve seen LB blooming since just like me enjoying seeing the women, my mind has been drifting to positive places. Normally, I’m uncomfortable allowing enjoyable thoughts. I usually fight them off. But even just before listening to the sub, my mind was seeking out happy places.
I enjoyed myself today.
Day 19
LB custom last night
Emperor this morning
I’m still feeling LB activating this morning. Feels really good
Day 20
Rest day
Emotional recon. Normal change.
I’m experiencing a less pronounced version of “I want to/I don’t want to”.
The core of it is that I don’t want to actually let go of something. It’s connected to old memories that have held a place in my heart. I’m afraid I won’t “get him back”. It’s connected to memories of my brother.
I have never grieved that.
Saint was right. These aren’t healing titles, but I’m definitely in healing territory. What I’m seeing and feeling this morning is what I’ve circled around since childhood. I’m facing grieving and letting it go.
I’m not fighting myself like I have most of my life.
It’s coming. The struggle is good.
Weird recon this morning. Dealing with self-worth.
Edit: I’m at work. I’ve been looking for my work personna, but…
People aren’t treating me like I’d expect. They’re speaking to me like I have value. I’m not used to this. I came in wanting to hide…trying to play small and fearful.
The aura seems to be activating. The self-beliefs too.
The difference? I don’t feel like I’m wearing a mask. Which is really touching me.
Kind of embarrassed. I’m not used to being genuine at work. Not used to being esteemed or even esteeming myself.
This is Emperor.
Correction.
People esteem me quite frequently.
I’m seeing I’ve not been receptive. My heart’s been sealed. Old relationship wounds kept my heart shut forever.
This is LB. Edging on tears now. Peeling my heart open this morning.
Day 1 of washout
Uuuugggggh…
I feel like something which I’ve never faced is right in front of me. And I don’t want to face it. I’ve been dodging this forever. And it’s not moving.
At this moment, I don’t know what it is. Feels like…life. Reality…is it me?
I’ve not wanted to know.
I thought this morning “hmmm…DR is coming out…” And that’s me running. DR, in my opinion, would be another hideout–since I’ve used it for that before. DR is good. Those motives are deceptive.
Emperor is a resilience instiller. I’m facing something that’s always defeated me before.
And the key? (Just saw this) My heart’s been closed. All my life these protections have been up. Love Bomb is why I’m here. It’s chipping away at my walls, and that’s why I feel afraid.
Yet the resilience has me standing my ground.
I don’t know what to expect. But I feel stronger.
Facing this is all very new.
There’s so much truth to that. I will be around good people, and I’ll easily find some resentment towards them simply because I’m wanting to go one way (desiring peace and love) and they’re NOT. These unreasonable expectations have f***ed days up before. But I put the expectation on THEM. Not myself. This is unreasonable. Unfair. Unkind. And clearly unrealistic.
Looking at those failed and hurtful expectations, I treasure being alone each day when work’s over. I can drop my expectations, my unspoken “demands”. Drop my mask. Drop the pretension. I took a day off work today, I’ve been out, but I’m home now and enjoying it.
Being real here, there’s something I’ve never shared with anybody. About 7 years back (maybe more), I got the bug for working at home. I looked into numerous online and offline businesses, got information, but I didn’t move forward with it. Why?
Because I realized I relied on others to feel good about myself. Yeah, I’d feel safe for a while if I worked from home. But I was used to feeling afraid. Used to seeking the company of others for affirmation. When many others are around, possibilities are endless. In short, I’d created a reality where others could lift me up since (I thought) I couldn’t.
Contrasting 7 years back to today, using people is becoming more uncomfortable, day by day. Yeah, @Sub.Zero, I tend to be harsh on myself when all I’m doing is taking. I question myself when others, like you, respond to my writings. I’m learning how to give, but I still have this caution and fear that pops up, reminding me of when I gave myself away too easily and was hurt. Or when my expectations and “subtle” demands overwhelmed someone.
I’ll say I enjoyed Stark since it opened me up without me bleeding emotionally on everyone. A social sub might help me relationally, for sure. …And I keep looking back at DR, because like you said, it was a “safe” option. My “get out of jail” card.
If I were to propose something, I’d like a sub aimed at platonic relationships with similar growth goals to HeartSong. Loving people. Being real. Healing the wounds and inhibitions from prior friendships and acquaintances. To be fully myself and feel alive. To be unafraid of being myself around those I know along with those I don’t. To not think I need to “hide myself” in front of (almost everybody).
Like one goal. To be comfortable socially. I’ve not looked at True Social in ages.
Edit: DareDevil?
Thank you for reminding me about that. I have overlooked it. Maybe because… yes, I experienced regular recon on it. It did a phenomenal work. I just became focused on recon.
I’ll look over my journal writings, as I used this thread then.
I found my CFW writings up above. I was doing 15 minute loops on CFW. I began 5 minute loops when I started DR later, and I’ve stuck with 5 minutes.
I’m in day 1 of washout, stuff is processing, so no decisions will be made now.
I’m wondering how CFW would fare if I did 5 minute loops.
Just wondering. Thanks for the reminder @Sub.Zero
You were right. A few posts after the one I last quoted, I jumped on DR. 15 minutes was too much.
I had written that all I wanted was to feel safe. CFW did quite a stirring up of everything, but when I began 5 minute loops of DR, sanity returned.
I’ll be thinking about this. I’m grateful I’m in washout right now, because I’m tempted right now.
I’d agree, though part of me doesn’t want to admit such “weakness”.
LB is doing a fantastic job of showing me how I’ve harshly treated myself (like now, seeing such weakness), but it’s quite revealing to me. I think this is because it’ll show me how to love myself some, then show me my failings, offering me a new choice of how to treat myself.
I usually avoid this. I mean it. I’m remembering how CFW took away those overwhelming victim beliefs, the one which said “You CAN’T!! You SHOULDN’T!!”…literally scaring the shit out of me.
Without such overwhelming fear…I felt capable of assessing what I was really doing…without running away from it.
I’ll admit I’m on Emperor right now since I’ve wanted to be and believe I was a grownup, to feel like I could handle life. But thinking of when I was facing myself while on CFW, I craved being responsible for myself. Noone can take that away from me, and that’s…priceless.
Noone can take that from me. That’s huge to me.
