Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#493

I’m gonna write.

I’ve been wandering with subliminals. I’m desiring safety and security, but I’ve also desired courage and ambition. I used another producer’s subs all of last week (I bought them in 2021), and I had some positive experiences. However, I also craved some masculine courage. So yesterday, Sunday, I listened to 9 minutes of Stark Black. I got my financial ambition and inner courage back.

Then last night, I listened to 5 minutes of Sanguine, my first time. That’s one nice sub. I was very reflective and open to good things in my life.

I’m just in my feelings and sorting out my thoughts right now. I try “too hard” to modify myself for others, day in and day out, and that makes me appreciate SB. SB seems to give me balls to stand up to inner BS–where most of it is.

Screeeech…just remembered.

I’ll be starting the new Love Bomb tomorrow. But this morning my mind was swimming in how it might be helpful. Like love…it’s a strange thing to me. I’ve avoided it a lot…because I didn’t believe I could love myself … or someone else. Being honest. I look at women all the time. But “being known” freaks me out, literally. I can put on a front for a short while…

…but I’ve grown tired of lying to others–so I can gain–so I can get something I want…frick. Doing that really is me lying to myself. It’s a major mindf**k.

This morning, I held on the possibility that with LB I might be able to accept myself. Me smoozing and lying to others is my ploy to gain some acceptance from them. Because for some reason, I reject myself. A lot. Most days I’m unaware of it. But me using those other subs had me aware that I reject myself the most. They worked on old patterns…BUT… that sense of self-acceptance was just touched on. I felt myself resisting it. And walking into unknowns here at SC (listening to LB) ignites a fire in me. SB must be activating right now. I love SB since it’s got this streak that seems to say “why the f**k NOT?!!” Courage to try is golden :slight_smile:

I’m seriously considering using Sanguine with LB tomorrow instead of SB. It really relaxed my tense mind.

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#494

To sum up what I imagined this morning in regards to LB, I was strangely aware of all my old beliefs about love. How I’ve believed it was my fault I wasn’t loved while living at home. How that was my default belief in every friendship and relationship. That those messages have guided my life.

And simultaneously, I sensed this inner acceptance, like a potent smoke or vapor seeping into my life. I could see and feel love and acceptance of myself and of others. Like the handcuff keys were offered to me, and I took them off quickly, unsure where it led. But feeling good filled me, and I wasn’t stressed or afraid. Surreal, for sure.

I’m writing now, looking at myself from afar, and I have more choice now. I’ve lived so long not thinking I had choice over this, but wow… I’m unsure where I’m going, but I’m getting out of the way!

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#495

LB last night, Sanguine this morning, then another 30 seconds of LB maybe 10 minutes ago.

I’m becoming aware that I have used people, and it feels bad enough that I’m scared of doing it again.

Old memories of shame are remembered, but it hasn’t dug in. Heavy shame was felt even recent years ago, and isolation was mandatory then.

So this is weird and strange, but motivating. I’m not thinking old self-disdain and pain.

Strange. Hopeful. Inviting. Unusual.

Definitely. All the above

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#496

Feeling something different in my throat this morning, different from my norm.

Like a small sadness.

I’m uncomfortable expressing it. I’m used to ignoring or suppressing it.

But it’s here.

Wow. Crying now. I realized I’ve very harshly blamed myself when feeling this. LB addresses us judging ourselves, so I know this is LB at work.

I’ve judged myself every single day looking at my recent coworker I’ve been with the last two months. From day one I thought he was a judgemental ass. But I was the miserable one. Seeing that day after day made me see I was projecting my crap onto him.

And the first time I used LB, 3 days ago, he picked up my aura. He did some helpful, unexpected things while working, and I saw it.

Rest day today. It’s blooming, and I’m feeling sadly aware that I’ve hurt him and others. I’ve hurt myself too. I’ll see what LB points out today.

I’m scared to be loving towards myself. Don’t know why.

Answer: self-blame is still loud in my head. Like I’m breaking my normal rules.

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#497

Day 3
Genesis this morning, then ASBR

I’m feeling unsure. Unconfident. I woke up, listened to a full loop of Genesis, then listened to 5 minutes of ASBR maybe 30 minutes later. And both have affected my thinking today.

Like…what would I really want to do to earn money? I’ve followed numerous successful marketing and sales businesses over the years…and I’ve always held back.

I’ve watched 2 sales webinars today, first for an SEO product, then another SEO product with very clear results. And I’m seeing how I could use one or both to build a business…

but is that who I am? Who am I? What is me vs. the man who’s done anything for love and acceptance? Yep. I’ve done exactly that. I am noticing more how even at work I’ve played a role and forgotten me…just to receive some love.

I guess, at my core, I’ve really believed I’m not worth much. Maybe that’s why I’ve not believed in (the person I thought hasn’t had worth). That’s why I’ve pulled off Emperor numerous times. I’ll feel my energy and power increasing…and thoughts of “who the hell are you?” surface and shake me.

I’ll name where I’m stuck. Feeling powerful is very opposite of where I’ve hidden from in life. Life isn’t experienced in my imagination. It’s found in short and long relationships over time. In person. In contact with others. In me risking being real around others.

I just know of no subs called, for example, “Normal Guy”. I guess noone’s attracted to that. My reason for me being attracted to it is I’ve spent countless years avoiding being myself, and now I’m desiring some peace with myself. Period.

In light of the financial aims, I’m seeking to do something to earn a living without selling my soul and identity each time. AKA “not being honest with myself”.

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#498

Day 4
Rest day

I’ve been waiting on my Genesis custom, but I’ve been reading posts and thinking about what’s driving me, what is directing me, and I’m unsure about the “easy” way I’ve chosen.

I’m just writing now. I often see my thinking while writing. My predetermined goals even change while writing, and this is true now.

I’m thinking Emperor would be much more effective in helping me get out of my safe spot.

I’ve been holding myself back for ages since I felt like I failed when I was a young child. Every life choice has been steered by that trauma.

I’ve wondered about an Emperor/LB custom.
Or Emperor/CFW.
Or possibly the biggest challenge: Emperor/Phoenix.

Emperor pushes past all the financial and mental blocks to success. Then there’s the root issues, the actual trauma.

The proof that this is a real trauma: when I’ve considered removing/eradicating/destroying this trauma, I freeze up. Even writing that brought tears to my eyes.

I never made a Emperor/DR custom back when I put all focus on healing. But @COWolfe’s example is one model that’s stuck in my head. He’s doing an Emperor/Phoenix custom now.

I’m gonna take a walk. I need to get outside.

@Jouissance

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#499

These all sound like Genesis results to me. maybe enhanced by your other subs. Phoenix and ASBR especially

Seeing what’s driving you and reflecting on your goals are Genesis results,
Desiring to get out of your safe spot is a GENESIS result (risk and adventure scripting)

Desiring to clear blocks and get to the root trauma is a GENESIS result.

And it sounds like the healing you’re doing on Genesis is PERFECT for you, since eradicating/removing/destroying those traumas terrifies you - but you’re dissolving it with Genesis and letting it go with action and journaling.

So keep going with Genesis - just another example of getting the exact results you’re after, wanting to get the results faster, and thinking sub switching will speed up the process.

My only critique is you’ve listened to 5 subs in the last 21 days, LB, emperor, phoenix, genesis, ASBR… and you did a 3 day washout. You sure you’re not just a tiny bit overexposed? When I ran a cycle of Genesis (which was amazing) I actually got ALL my results on the washout, and I had to do a 9 day washout instead of my usual 4 because the revelations got more and more intense.

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#500

Thank you for saying that @Jouissance. I haven’t seen that like you are right now.

I have been jumping around. In this writing, I’m seeking to make sense of what I’ve been doing.

When I look at what I’ve really kept my eyes on, I’ve wanted, really wanted, a freedom to express myself.

I’ll feel happiness.
I’ll feel anger.
I’ll feel joy.
I’ll feel sadness

But truthfully, I don’t share it much. People don’t know how I feel. And my biggest challenges in life, well, one specifically, is that I don’t speak up. I don’t admit these things often, if at all.

I was even looking at another producer’s sub that focused on letting others in my life know my likes, dislikes, and boundaries. Because I play mysterious. But sometimes I really wish I knew what I want. I keep it inside, so I habitually hide things from myself.

I’m not jumping to that producer, but that is my personal need.

That’s my reason for writing so much, especially when a sub blooms. I do not have steady people in my life who I can be myself with. That I can share honestly with.

I’d never have thought that was my need. But it is. It feels so freeing to be real around people

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#501

Day 5
7 minutes of Genesis this morning
Sanguine or LB later

I’m writing since I’m feeling a little sad, and I want to acknowledge it.

It says to me that a part of me is scared to change. Which is normal. That resistance is purely emotional. I’ve had two rare positive thoughts pop up in the last 5 minutes.

Just changes trying to happen.

A great question for myself: how do I do this?

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#502

Got my custom. I can’t listen until Wednesday…

but I felt really good with Genesis and LB today. I listened to LB during our mid-morning break. I had been internally hostile, and just 5 minutes worked very, very well.

It’s kind of ironic, and even that’s an understatement, but the guy I’m working with is a LOT like me. Lots of unspoken expectations (which I blow up in my mind just reading facial expressions)…and this has caused problems.

But today (after LB), he corrected me, and in a much calmer fashion, I replied and was honest. I shared my own wrong thinking (he shared some of his too), and the defensiveness…dropped quickly.

I owned my shit.

Wow. I owned my shit.

I’ve been projecting my own judgements on him for 2 months now, and I’m actively pursuing the truth of what I do and think. Hiding it is a lie, especially when he’s reading me as well. Just facing this is changing how I relate…almost to myself.

I will admit this here: LB dissolves those instantaneous judgements quickly. I love that.

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#503

Day 6
Rest day

I’m facing my fears of being honest with myself.

I was reading posts this morning, and I felt a slow sadness rising. I fear writing since I feel something true and honest, but I’ve been avoiding this for so long. I usually mask the truth of what I’m feeling, first to myself, then to others.

So, last night I had an idea to make a post detailing my aim and struggles so I might ask for help. My goal: being me. Being true. Being real.

I’m seeing the problem I created in times past. All my life, I’ve played the role of a little brother in need. That translates very simply as me play acting that I’m helpless. To succeed, I must lie, lie, and lie again. First to me, then to you. This thinking has shipwrecked me 1000’s of times.

I thought having a tough mask would help me do this. Well, that didn’t work. Being honest with myself works. And yesterday I had some unfiltered memories from childhood come up–and truth is attractive. Nothing dramatic at all. I work in the same town I grew up in, and my mind swam in some memories. I found myself checking those memories to see if I had masked my feelings back then. I haven’t found that yet, as these were before my older brother left.

So that’s where I am today. Wow. This is different. Real different for me. Shed tears in the last 30 seconds.

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#504

Day 5
DRLD and LB this morning
5 minutes each

I took some time off subs here, and I used another producer’s. I’m back on SC subs now since growth is a given here.

Kind of hesitant with words. DRLD is working deeply and effectively on me, and I’m allowing it.

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#505

Day 6
Rest day

I’m feeling vulnerable. I felt it yesterday.

I usually hide behind some mental cloak of denial. And strangely, I’ve had some confidence around others while using it.

I’m at another work site yesterday and today, and I noticed this cloak being useless. I sat at lunch with 2 guys I’ve worked with before, and I felt like my mask was obvious. That’s when this old confidence began slipping away.

To “survive”, I considered a DRLD custom with the Iron Frame module. I felt like this with early versions of DR, feeling defenseless around male peers. Saint advised it, and it worked great.

I’m just not confident trying to avoid this. Avoidance is avoidance.

I’m not wanting to keep running. Bullshitting myself is becoming obvious.

And I’m seeing me bluffing myself in another relationship too. With another male peer.

I feel sadness and relief wondering “what’s happening here?” Great relief. It’s joy, actually.

#506

What am I running from?

#507

Today was very encouraging and motivating.

The self-belief from DRLD is pushing through, and this afternoon was incredible. I took a 20-minute nap during lunch, and once I woke up, everything seemed easy. Like everything worked smoothly.

I absolutely love this :grinning:

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#508

Day 7

I’m gonna not listen today. I feel some slight tension in my mind, and I don’t want to push it.

Something’s being addressed. And while I wrote that last sentence, sadness started to come up.

It signals that something I’ve relied upon is being pulled away. I had similar experiences on DR.

#509

Yesterday after my nap during lunch, I had an incredible experience.

Normally, I use fear to clamp down my imagination. Like I willfully resist any growth and exploration. I’ll share what happened to clarify.

I realized at a young age that I’m very creative musically. I can play a number of instruments, and I love improvisation.

Yesterday I was listening to music on Pandora, and I began imagining additional riffs which would actually work. I’d hear a melody and add this sweet counter melody in my head. I did this for 30 minutes. This is significant since it’s been years since I’ve done that.

What wowed me was I didn’t feel myself resisting this, and I normally do.

I wasn’t holding back my imagination. This was heaven for me. Pure freedom to create.

What went through my head was thinking I could do this in relationships, business decisions, almost anywhere. I felt free.

DRLD is amazing. Absolutely amazing.

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#510

Day 8
Rest day (I listened yesterday)

DRLD is really blooming in me. I did some writing this morning about it, and I just pulled up the sales page for DRLD, so yes, it’s definitely at work. Taken from the sales page:

“That’s why we’ve included all new, rewritten from scratch positivity scripting, helping you cultivate immense joy and gratitude for life and the overcoming of obstacles. Gratitude is a powerful force that allows you to see the value in every experience, no matter how challenging. By embracing joy and gratitude, you change your relationship with the challenges you face. Instead of seeing them as burdens, you begin to see them as opportunities for growth and learning. This perspective shift is critical for breaking free from limits — as it empowers you to approach life with a positive and open mindset, which is fertile ground for endless possibilities.”

And today’s writeup, an email I sent to my trader:

"Personally, Dragon Reborn Limit Destroyer is doing an amazing work in me–I’m really, really, really making internal changes, like BOOM!–making changes there, making changes here.

I’m getting out of my own way more. I usually “hold back”. That has been my life MO. Hold back, don’t risk much, gotta protect against UNKNOWNS.

Yesterday I worked a half day, and I worked with a guy I look up to, and have feared him in the past. He asked me when I was with getting my commercial drivers license, and I didn’t/couldn’t find my normal internal “NO” which kept me from moving forward. I’d also been with another guy Thursday and Friday who really encouraged me to make this jump, so yesterday, while on our (do-nothing shift), I applied for a driving position. I did. If they hire you for a position and they trust your history, they’ll send you to their own driving school.

I feel like I’ve been holding up and hiding out from UNKNOWNS forever. I have. DRLD is like anti-super glue for me. I’m unstuck a lot more today." (End of email)

Joy in overcoming obstacles? Yep.
Changing my relationship (my normal mindset) with challenges? Absolutely

This is rather RARE in my experience, finding excitement for going through such challenges. Because noone scripts this in normally. It’s so flippin beautiful!

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#511

Day 9
DRLD and Genesis this morning. 5 minutes each

I’m still having some recon from mixing these this morning. Recon:

I felt internally scared of something. Realized pretty quickly it was my “feelings”.
Drank too much caffeine (trying to stuff it back down; a regular habit of mine)
Even cried easily while driving home from work. I was at another work site again, and while driving back to my site, I listened to some spiritual songs, and I cried easily.

But I was still scared…like I feared—and then it hit me.

I’m afraid I am going to find out who I really am.

DRLD has been wearing down my limitations–the same ones I’ve used to disconnect from myself.

I came home, began writing an email…and switched directions. 2ce in my life I’ve literally scribbled on paper and found myself drawing my emotions on paper. (some call it Art Therapy). So, I pulled out the sketchbook I bought for this years back, grabbed a pen,…and began scribbling.

Drew circles originally,…showing my life, going round and round
Then felt small and scared. Drew a small circle and circled, circled, circled.
I wanted to hide, so I drew way outside these circles (avoiding what’s in front of me)
Came back to it a minute later. Imagined the untrue statement of starting with a “clean slate”.
I equate that with avoiding my history, and (DRLD activating) I wanted to grow WITH myself and my errors, imperfections, mistakes, all of it. Leaving ‘me’ behind is not an option–that’s new.

I’m gonna rest now. Still unsettled.

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#512

Day 15
Sanguine last night (a rest from DRLD). New Emperor this morning

I read @Hoppa’s words last week in @James’ recent love thread, and his words hit me.

I spoke to Hoppa in years past, and this simple reply made me think “why can’t I do this?” He’s a very normal guy.

On the 22nd I listened to Genesis, which fueled this more. I wanted growth. I wanted stability. I truly craved to overcome my emotional holdups–in all of life, not just money. In relationships, in understandings about life, in how I’ve given in to other’s beliefs about me. So, I listened to Emperor on the 24th. I’ve begun listening to DRLD the evening before, and it’s worked well with Emperor.

What Emperor’s been pushing me on, I’ve actually craved. And it’s pushed me on my self-beliefs, most which have been negative.

For example, a major reason I’ve not been journaling here is an old childhood mentality where I write to paint myself as “in need”. That thought irks me deeply when I even consider it now. I came here originally this morning to write about guilt, my main emotional holdup. I began…and scrapped it. I don’t want to enable that thinking. That’s NOT ME. I’m still actively searching for healthier outlets. I’m not a helpless, powerless man. And Emperor challenges and changes my thinking continually.

This is a long-term goal. Right now I’m trying to steer off the powerless mindset. Mental financial changes I’m also seeking out, and those are happening too. I’ve stayed with some financial readings lately, where before I’d pull off when writers would venture off into abstract details. My mentality is shifting.

Feeling weak and powerless is why I began listening to subliminals in years past. And the reality that I could “stick with something” has stuck with me. I’m going to stick with Emperor for a good while. I’ve wondered about an Emperor custom with LB. I’ll spend some weeks on Emperor with DRLD before doing this.

Truth: all through this writing, my mind craved to whine and whimper, seeking old rescues. I’ve lived like this for decades. I’m grateful I even have this choice to change.

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