This.
The only thing that is “special” about me is, that I decided to change. And I managed to keep my mind on it long enough.
Not a super human. Still struggling with procrastination, like INTP (short for I Need To Procrastinate) usually is. I still overthink everything.
I’ve just figured out a way for me to succeed despite my weaknesses.
For example: I do not think about subs. That way I can keep running them consistently.
You just have to find a way.
You have no idea just how normal @Hoppa is. Dude loves American football and he’s from and lives in Finland. Cracks me up and I don’t know why
Day 16
Rest day
I woke up feeling uncomfortable, dreaming of situations where I’m facing fears which I’ve sidelined forever.
One is a buddy I knew 20 years back. He’s local, and I actually saw and talked with him about 2-3 months back unexpectedly, while at work. I actually still remember his phone number, back before cell phones.
I still feel this inner apprehension of calling him. Of him knowing or hurting me. I always saw him as an equal, like an actual brother.
That’s what I’ve been afraid of. Of him hurting me.
Something happened last night. It touched and challenged my safety zone.
I spent the entire weekend home. I hid Saturday, but got busy yesterday. My 91yo housemate was home too, and he began making dinner for both me and the other renter. But the other guy skipped out. My housemate and I had dinner alone.
I’ve been scared of him for the same reasons I’ve been scared of other men. I’ve been afraid of being hurt.
But he’s been persistent in challenging my life pattern. I’ve been resentful of him since I’ve not wanted to let my guards down. My “safe” norm.
But I allowed him in some, seeing his intent. He’s felt a lot of regret for failings of his own, and that drives him to challenge me regularly. I broke into tears twice during our talk, feeling my own desire for love. He wasn’t surprised or shocked.
It was a painful meeting for me, and I feel this was a manifestation of the sub’s work.
This is what Emperor has been challenging me on lately. This is the very thing my life has revolved around. Allowing love in again.
Day 19
CFW last night
New Emperor this morning
This is only my 2nd loop of CFW, but it’s been digging in. My first loop was memorable, helping me see myself without limits. I have never realized how limited my life has been.
But last night’s loop headed a different direction. It has dug into my feelings of being weak. I came home after work wanting to only crawl under the covers. I watched a movie so I’d not face life.
I’ve felt like writing, but haven’t trusted myself with whining to others (a major reason for me running CFW btw).
But @Parsifal wrote something in another thread, and I’m using it. It says to me that CFW is a sub I should stick with.
So this recon of fear and desired isolation is proof that CFW is working on core beliefs of mine, the very ones I’ve tried to hold on to.
I’ll take that.
My reason? I wasn’t looking for it. I felt like shit, and was willing to ride on someone else’s success to encourage me.
But this. This one was pointed at me. Taken.
Edit:
I completely skipped writing what is affecting me. I’ve felt weak. I’ve felt vulnerable.
And CFW has a direct focus on eliminating feelings of weakness.
I’ve been processing this moreso than in the past. It was just “me”, who I believed I was. I’m not so superglued to it now.
I never thought I’d be in this place.
there is a difference between wanting to be validated and getting pissed when someone is disrespecting you. (If he ignored you on purpose) Nothing wrong with that imo you’re not needy. He is being an asshole. (unless the context of the question that you gave him was meant to lead him to validate you which I’m boldly assuming was not)
Also great journal you seem to be growing at light speed in much depth. Good on you!
Yeah. He was being an ass. I don’t work with him anymore. He’s been going through a divorce, and he’s not been happy at all.
Which brings me to what I realized today. I’m on Emperor and CFW, and CFW brought something to my awareness.
My entire life I’ve struggled with standing up for myself. Like literally, I’ve laughed when I should have told someone to F off.
This morning, while working, I realized a childhood belief: I would not allow myself to defend myself.
It made sense instantly. I was the youngest of 3 boys, and I knew me smiling or being cute was safest for me. It often took me out of harm’s way. Defending myself brought challenge and danger, while smiling put the attention back on them. And I’ve used this my whole life.
Gotta get back to work now.
Day 20
Rest day
5 minutes of LBFH 10 minutes ago. I’ve needed this.
How did I feel since seeing that truth today? I just wrote this and will paste it here.
It is kind of freeing, meaning the lid’s off, and I’ve spent significant energy hiding that from myself.
I wasn’t locked down emotionally, uptight, etc. No, none of that. Just feeling different.
And…I’m unsure IF or HOW I’d make changes.
While writing that, I felt some sadness. I cried 2ce today for maybe 20 seconds, while on the back of the garbage truck.
For me–something BIG: I’m slowly allowing myself to realize how often (daily, minute by minute) I’ve been hiding from something I didn’t want to know about. EVERYTHING/ANYTHING has been used to distract/avoid/ignore/pretend it didn’t exist.
This has been my life. Absolute truth.
Day 21
Emperor this morning
I remind myself that I’m on CFW due to its focus on eradicating the victim mentality.
This morning the other renter here offered to take me to the store since I’m starting a garden, and I took it.
One conversation we had was about running a past business of his, and I took something he said in a bad way.
He said “Successful people aren’t afraid of failing”.
I’d admitted a weakness to him earlier in the ride (CFW has been working in me), and…I’m realizing…yeah, I did this…I expected and desired him to be codependent and coddle my emotions. He didn’t do that. Not at all. Silence, but also no interference in my thoughts either.
I’ve been kicking my own ass since my vulnerability outweighed my confidence, my outward personna. I wanted to be vulnerable so he might…treat me like how I felt. I felt small. Weak.
Maybe CFW is doing something helpful here…because dammit, I’ve often treated my vulnerability like something I should reject, avoid, and shame.
Feeling weak right now.
Edit. I listened to Emperor when we returned home. My mind was thinking of the Emperor mentality while driving, but CFW was working my emotions.
How can I hide?
Do I really want to face what I’ve been avoiding so long?
A recon rant, actually.
I’ve been hiding in my room, fearing disapproval from my housemate since I’ve not jumped up quickly “like he would”. So, I’ve been uncomfortable (feeling guilty) and actually trying to stay with what I’m feeling.
By that, I mean I’m on a heavier healing sub (CFW), and I’m also on Emperor, though much of its outward effects have been less noticeable lately with CFW. I actually looked up the keyword “hope” in the forum, and unexpectedly, I found my 2022 DR journal, and I read on it a while.
A lot of the same issues are on the table still…and I’ve wondered “should I switch?” Mind you, I realized hours ago this was classic recon. However, the very same desire came up, the same which has pulled me back to DR before: I just wanted to feel safe once again. Stage 1 of DR has a heavy focus on fear removal, and the issues I wrote about then…well, I’m facing them again.
It’s basically realizing “I’m losing my old norm”, wondering (fearing, actually) what will be next…and wow. I see I’ve done DR 3 times, and this next point has often been sidelined. What I’ve avoided is…changing more. And letting go of old patterns. All my life I’ve had these limiting patterns and beliefs, and I’ve believed “I’m not sure I can make it without these limitations”.
I’d be straight out lying if I said DRLD didn’t spook me. I did have positive experiences using it–but my fear-based beliefs were in place way before DRLD came out. In this very journal I considered using it with Genesis many months back, but something stood in my way, demanding “NO!”
Looking over these beliefs, they are the very ones I’m confronting, trying to overcome.
—realizing I’m leery of posting this since…I both want…and don’t want… a rescue. Hiding from others, meaning no calls, no texts, and no reaching out means noone knows. And noone might care.
I’m in my own way constantly. And I am in control of my next step. Wait out recon? Or follow the sub-switching idea?
Tomorrow starts washout. I’ll let those decisions wait. Snap decisions while in recon haven’t been always good.
I’m watching a romance flick, one I’ve seen before. I’m wondering about something.
The actress’s last boyfriend is trying to get her back. But he’s a liar, using deception and charm to lead her back into the same old relationally dishonest ways. She’s presently seeing how she fell for it, really wanting it to be true. And knowing she has better choices, one being right in her face.
And what I thought of in the last boyfriend’s pushy proposal, was Stockholm Syndrome. For myself, it’s me holding on to stuff I’ve known was wrong, harmful to myself, and I’ve kept the lies in place–so I’d not jump ship.
“Stockholm syndrome is a psychological condition where a victim of abuse, captivity, or kidnapping develops a strong emotional bond with their captor or abuser. This phenomenon is often observed in situations where the victim is isolated from others and has limited options for escape or rescue. As a result, the victim may start to identify with and empathize with their captor’s goals and motivations, leading to a sense of loyalty and even affection towards them.”
I’m identifying with this myself, and I feel shame, fear, and guilt when I consider turning away from the origin of my painful memories. The memories attempt to motivate me, but I realize–it’s bullshit. I’m empathizing with the movie character, feeling my own guilt about turning away, and I’m writing wondering…
Could these issues be overcome with the help of subliminal recordings?
Have SC subs addressed such issues already? Maybe I’m doing so right now.
Feeling captive to self-harming patterns presently. Fear is tightening its grip.
Damn recon.
Day 1 of washout
I feel guilty here, but I’ve been imagining returning to Phoenix after washout. I’ve been reading this journal, and Phoenix has NSE, which nerfs most recon.
NSE. Night and day.
I also miss some of that freedom.
–I’m gonna admit something. I feel guilty, no. I feel undeserving of being good to myself. That is why I’ve sidelined loving moves for myself.
I’ve continually tried to kitchen-sink my healing and growth subs. Hasn’t been successful.
Phoenix would be my main sub. And @Michel’s Sanguine/LB custom sounds so damn appealing. I stacked LB and Sanguine one day, and I felt relaxed. Super comfortable with life.
I planned on buying something for my scooter next week…and I sidelined making a custom.
That “am I worth it?” feeling comes up. I can make that custom.
Wow. I’ve never thought like this, allowing myself to break out of all those “should’s” and “ought to’s”.
Edit: I just read Michel’s recent posts. He’s just stacking Sanguine and LB, but this combo I’ve used once and it was heavenly. I’d rather make a custom, put some willingness to adventure in (Furious Ascent)…plus add in some love modules I’ve used in past customs. I put Chosen of Venus and Depths of Love in a healing subliminal, and unexpectedly, I began attracting attention from women.
I just have to open the door in my heart and mind once again. This seems to be a personal mandate for me.
Some recon passed, as I finally got up this morning, having imaginations of me being irritated with my housemate.
And…I wasn’t. I wasn’t. Unexpectedly, I felt more loving towards myself and with my housemate when I saw him. Feels kind of unnormal when I look at my habitual thinking. I enjoyed this 
Which programs have you purchased already?
How long have you been listening to Emperor and CFW?
I own a large number of store titles. Every healing title (less HeartSong).
2 weeks of New Emperor this last cycle
1 week of CFW
Washout began today.
P.S. Thanks for jumping in. I read past posts of yours in this thread, and your objectiveness is valuable. I actually thought of asking your opinion on my thinking and subliminal planning.
Because washout doesn’t encourage objectivity 
Thanks, mate!
How do you want your life to change in the next 90 days?
I’d like to not be afraid to feel, to be open and to experience things. I’d like to live. To be alive.
Vs. squelching everything inside of me, which has been my norm. So, I’d like to heal and grow–with myself, with others. I’d like to grow.
What do you propose?
And just to be honest, I’ve wondered about Phoenix primarily due to its strength and…NSE. Saint said he’d not find healing subs essential when working with NSE months back. NSE seems to eliminate so much healing scripting since our minds know what we really need. And it leads us towards those solutions. Just my opinion.
Something I made just a month or so back was a Genesis and LB custom. I did only one loop on it, and I had some recon. It may be a little heavy. But it may not be. I mention this since Genesis invites one to discover and explore. Here’s it’s makeup.
Module #1
Genesis Core × 1
Module #2
Love Bomb Core × 1
Module #3
Achilles’ Heel × 1
Module #4
Everpresent × 1
Module #5
Furious Ascent × 1
Module #6
New Romance Experience Core × 1
Module #7
New Wealth Experience Core × 1
Module #8
Carpe Diem Ascended × 1
Module #9
Enchanting Smile × 1
Module #10
Iron Frame × 1
Module #11
The Merger of Worlds × 1
Module #12
Transcendental Connection × 1
Module #13
Did you run DR? If so, how many stages?
What would you hope Phoenix would do that would be different from other healing programs?
I think I’ve mentioned this before, that NSE reminds me of a concept called “corrective emotional experiences”. I think of this as a different approach to healing.
Have you used the custom you listed above?
I’ve never made it to Stage 3. Not once. And this is the “adventurous” stage.
Besides it being NSE, it says that one won’t return to old thinking and patterns.
–fear has always held me back from letting go of old patterns.
–And Genesis has a strong sense of fearlessness and “why wouldn’t I try this?”
–Combining the 2 together might make life seem much less fear-filled.
A single loop, maybe a month back.
Is this too much of a “kitchen-sink” sub?