What I’m seeing is me trying to run away from my emotions. Just seeing that.
My understanding: if I’m going to be successful, I need to abandon me.
Childhood beliefs. Oww.
Day 4
Rest day
I come here regularly. I’m losing my reason for writing. I have been in that little kid mentality and it’s been safe. Comfortable. Known. And needy.
I’m really checking what I’m standing on.
Day 5
Regeneration and ASBR this morning
I listened to Regeneration first this morning, planning on listening to ASBR later. I usually split up my stacks, like one in the morning and the other one later
But I just wanted ASBR, so I listened to it right after. I didn’t and haven’t had inner resistance to it.
I’m guessing Regeneration is taking down blockades I’ve carried which would tell me it’s too much.
Or ASBR is just addictive
I’m feeling both an urge and a holding back to expressing myself this morning. I’m around others, and old fears are speaking up, telling me to keep it in and protect myself. This is normal survival thinking.
However, I’m drawn to being free. I’m starting to see myself as free.
I’ll be writing a bit today.
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Healing’s working.
Most of the day I’ve been both wanting to express myself–accompanied with an old belief to hang on, hang on, hang on. I’ve been there all day.
And healing’s working–I’ve not had a draw this entire day to mentally hide. 5 minutes ago I opened up my movie app…and closed it down within seconds. I opened it, and quickly remembered me wanting to face ‘real life’ in times past while using it, so I ditched it.
I’m just sharing now.
I said I was going to write more today, and I did. Just not here. My miner/trader is using ASBR as well, and it’s opening his awareness of possibilities around him. We’ve been discussing things via email.
And I pushed out of my comfort zone. I shared with him two financial possibilities I’ve had. I shared everything I could think of, both good and bad, and I actually knew the direction I wanted to take before finishing.
One thing, which is big for me, is an awareness which popped up the first week I used ASBR.
I really have no desire to be a driver with the company I’m with, nor any other. That seems to be the pinnacle to reach where I work. But it’s never been my dream.
I work there because I’ve been stuck in that little boy mentality seeking out my brother again, and I’ve been emotionally stuck. Yesterday I was in our morning meeting, and essentially I realized I’m not on that same page anymore. I’m seeking freedom, and I don’t want to keep playing this role. Heck no.
My mind and heart are leading me out of the rat race. I have other opportunities and choices. That’s what I was writing about today. I’m getting MUCH clearer on what I really desire.
And that is golden to me. A beautiful transformation.
I’ll add something big which happened this week. A life first.
I was on our route, and I thought of my daughter who’s in college right now. My own mental stresses were mixing with this, and using my own lense, I wondered how she was doing with her own stresses.
I stopped myself since I was trying to see through her eyes, and I remembered uncomfortably how I basically hid from stresses in college, or I denied them.
And I looked for my own feelings right there while remembering this. What’s critical here is the truth that I’ve frequently disassociated from stressful feelings for many, many years.
I suddenly felt that belief that said “I don’t know how to do this”. I’ve felt tinges of it through the years, but I always quickly dissociated from it. I’ve never felt it more than 5 seconds tops.
But I stayed with it and have actually searched for it in days since.
This is bigger than I realize. I’ve hidden from so much. I searched for it again since I wanted to see if it still held. I found it, but it doesn’t have as much power now.
More is yet to be found. I thank God I have these tools.
Day 6
Rest day
I’m in a weird spot.
I’m used to denying reality quite a bit. I’m home, free to hide and avoid life as usual, which is what I do most Sundays.
However, I’m having this draw to face life. While I feel that, I’m sensing that adamant part of me insisting I not listen to it.
That part uses the “ignorance is bliss” stance. It’s the no frills, no fears approach, hoping anyone else will pick up the responsibilities since it relies completely on not being aware.
I also must admit something I noticed before I began writing. I almost didn’t write since I instantly imagined being rejected for sharing honestly. This enables more hiding and more secrecy. Meaning no challenges to grow.
Something is being challenged. ASBR is challenging me to grow and change. Regeneration is assisting when denial speaks up.
I’m actually glad I’m in this spot. I’ve never been here, but I sense it’s pushing for my freedom.
I’m gonna keep writing. I was just reading the ASBR thread, and I really relate to some of the experiences people are having.
Wow. Just checked myself when I imagined writing. Let it be known that these thoughts will probably find the answer before I finish writing.
I’ve been in this desire for 2 different goals while using both Regeneration and ASBR. One is emotional freedom, and the other is financial success.
I’ll have realizations with Regeneration, and since I crave more, I’ll start focusing mentally on attaining more. I’ve thrown in SE a time or two without much obvious fanfare. And even last night I built a custom I desired over a year ago. It was a CFW/Ascension Chamber custom. I didn’t purchase it–but my main reason for eyeing it was its focus on removing the victim and weakness mentality.
Mixing it with Ascension Chamber was my goal since when I mixed them, I had astounding results.
But Regeneration is doing its own work. CFW made me feel powerful and more open to change, but I don’t want to cut out Regeneration without good reason. (Remembering @Jouissance’ words now)
And in a similar vein, I’ve wondered about ASBR. My reason? ASBR has a mixed focus. I own NR and have considered swapping it out since, in Saint’s words, it has as much if not more corrective financial scripting than EOG St.1.
I’ve wondered if it’d be worth switching, then remembering that ASBR is an artisanal product, and (I’m guessing) some possible results are unstated.
Correction of my prior aims.
I’m not using ‘ineffective’ subliminals. I’m just feeling some emotional pain and fear of emotional pain. This is just recon. I’m desiring a sense of safety, and I’m looking ‘elsewhere’. I’ll just sit with what I’m feeling right now.
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Looks like I’m on day 20 or 21. I’ve not been following my journal. Just following internal changes and prompts. Tomorrow washout will start.
New Emperor today. 5 minutes. 1st listen
Phoenix later
Major changes have been happening, but I’ve been wary about focusing on them (I usually discredit changes due to past experiences plus old beliefs.)
Last night I emailed my miner, and a couple of lines in, I realized something. I realized that I’ve continually been looking for ways to be free in my life. I compare this to the traumatic beliefs that says “it just can’t happen for me”. That belief was once purely passive thinking, but lately it’s been demanding of its stance.
I’ll say a LOT of it is Phoenix. It’s been moving steadily and stealthily. Old thoughts are suddenly shifting.
On a related matter, writing here lately has not been comfortable at all. I notice it now while writing. I’ve felt this strong pull to “go back and sit in my regular mentality, hoping noone notices the real me”. It’s survival thinking. Stuck thinking. The place I really hate.
Which is why I’ve not been writing. I want to slide into some norm so I’ll be liked by others while hating myself. I’ve been taking some steps to fight this.
- I bought modules to build an Emperor/Love Bomb custom next week. Emperor has always moved me, but I really need some inner support and care. I’ve dipped off subs many times since the change required butt heads with the major lack of self-love. If I don’t care about myself, who will?
Yeah, I need this.
I chose a custom only because Phoenix is of primary importance, and doing 3 separate subs keeps growth kind of slow (for me). So I’ll do my Emperor/LB custom with Phoenix.
I put in both NWE and NRE since @Jouissance said putting NWE in with a money sub creates fantastic results. Some of my action-taking is due to his posts, and common sense isn’t common 
I’m just tired of doing NOTHING and being STUCK. It’s a miserable spot, and I’m making these changes. Living for everyone’s acceptance and approval isn’t a life. Which is why I chose Emperor. Gotta grow some.
And as I finish, I’m still wrestling with wishing to “play my role”. Nope. Not me. I don’t want to do that.
Could you share more about how this is going for you whenever you run the custom and start to see results?
You have an awesome stack for NWE - Emperor has much more in store than just wealth so NWE will be fantastic at amping that up. And phoenix and Love Bomb with NWE is going to be freaking AMAZING - NWE won’t just make phoenix heal your money beliefs - phoenix/LB will still heal everything but your healing will result in massive wealth - you’ll find an opportunity that only someone with massive emotional intelligence is a good fit for… or you’ll get a mentorship from a mentor who only wants to work with someone who truly loves themselves so that they’re not using wealth to fill a void in their ego. IDK. Things like that.
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I love that response @Jouissance. I believe I began feeling it on ASBR, but I’m looking for so much more now.
Yes, I’ll share my results. In these last seconds, I remembered WHY I wanted to do Emperor with Phoenix. I stepped into my main holdup while doing Genesis, after Genesis kicked me into high gear for financial gain. I restarted a trading platform I’d bought a year earlier, and I had not run it.
My reason was I believed I could and should fail. The root is me believing, at some young age, that I’d failed when trying to help…love…heal my mom. She was an alcoholic. And yes, these are childhood beliefs. But that very belief is STILL steering my life. Jobs, relationships, aspirations…I’ve had desires to achieve and conquer…but that belief has steered me each and every time.
So, I’m aiming to make room for changes here. Financially, relationally…just freeing myself.
Thank you for sharing here. And before I go, I need to air something you touched on in your ASBR journal. Specifically, naming what I’m avoiding.
It was @Simon who wrote in my EOG journal in 2019 about writing out every reason I thought I’d fail (after stating wealth goals and all), and I did that. What I realize today is I wasn’t ready for some truths in my life. I’m going to write my reasons I might fail to free myself from these beliefs using Emperor and Phoenix.
- I’m not worthy of love and acceptance, even with success.
- I don’t accept myself
- I believe I’ll fail myself and believe I’m a failure once again.
- I am a failure.
- People will lie and desert me when I need help.
- A belief: I can’t succeed since it’ll hurt others who depend on me…who’ve learned to live in this lie of failure. I’ll threaten my norm.
Wow. After #3, my mind kept coming back to “I don’t accept myself”. I’ve always leaned on others since I believed I was emotionally weak, and if things went south, I wasn’t on the hook. I just keep seeing myself as a “failure”. That “role” worked for me, but I don’t like living in chains anymore.
So, my biggest reason: I’ve seen myself as a failure. I’ll let the subs do their work in me.
I thought of adding that in your ASBR journal days ago @Jouissance, and I held off. I began writing it there, but saved it as a draft.
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Go nuts on my journal i like the back n forth convos 
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Listening to Phoenix now.
I realized while writing that that my mind went to “Big, Glorious things” in the future. Nah.
That confirms why I bought the Everpresent module for my custom.
“Many of us are living in the future, dreaming of what is to come and of yet to come greatness. Even more are living in the past, repeating their greatest victories and lowest losses. Yet, life is happening in the current moment… and we are missing it. Everpresent puts you firmly into the present moment, making you highly aware and mindful of the present moment and of yourself. Use it to become more in tune with the present or for your spiritual endeavors, and you will see yourself becoming more and more aware each day.”
I am also putting in Transcendental Connection to make room for deeper and more meaningful relationships. I know a guy who used HOM for months, and he frequently spoke of family and friends who were important to him. TC is in HOM, and it was very evident to me. I’d love to help build some meaningful relationships in my life.
P.S. I listened to the full 15 minutes of Phoenix, something I’ve never done. I’ll see how it affects me.
But washout starts tomorrow, so meh.
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I think I’m feeling it now. Maybe it’s in Emperor, but not sure.
Another module I’ve desired for a while and purchased is Furious Ascent.
“Many fear risk, but if you wish to rapidly rise your status in the world, you will have to embrace it wholeheartedly. Furious Ascent is the module designed to help you love the thrill of taking risks and reaping great rewards. It will guide you to the opportunities with the greatest risk/reward ratios and will help you destroy any irrational excuses you can come up with when faced with risk and danger. Furious Ascent will also work on eliminating your desire for constant excessive comfort that holds you back from your potential. Instead, your comfort zone will steadily increase to include greater and greater heights.”
I first felt it and experienced it with Genesis, and the results were incredible to me. I’ve not dated anyone at all since my divorce in 2014, but sheesh, I never dated before me and my wife hooked up. Like I’ve been hiding from imagined failure there all of my life.
And I’d like to try something different.
I’ll share my block since I just realized it. I have an old belief that women don’t really want ME.
Phoenix must be working on this. I’m feeling a truth. I’ve not desired myself. I often choose a front to present, which is increasingly uncomfortable.
Being me…is what I desire. Phoenix might be sorting this out. That gives me peace.
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Washout day 1
I’m enjoying the mental shifts and changes already. I woke up and felt a desire to move and act. I just wanted to “do”.
And…I also recognize a sadness, since this hasn’t been my norm. It’s NEW for me. This really inspires me 
Also surprisingly, I found a news piece which greatly encourages me. It is an article finding the VALUE in the imposter syndrome.
Since starting Emperor, I’ve been worried about this. However, even yesterday I had a glimpse of owning the Emperor mentality vs. wondering “Could I really…?” I’m grateful SC has evolved this valuable subliminal.
I’ll paste the first paragraph of the article. It’s an Epoch Times piece.
“We should never want to know (nor work for) a person who does not have imposter syndrome—can you imagine that person’s arrogance? So why do so many good and capable people experience this feeling and, worse, see it as a huge weakness? So let’s change that perspective.”
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Washout day 2
Holy shit. Change. Progress. I just wrote a buddy since he asked how I was doing with the subs.
Pasted below.
I just woke up…and just realized something.
I looked for something familiar. And that’s fear. Looking for and desiring my brother’s attention. I don’t want to admit it to myself, I didn’t want to, and I even considered stuffing it, swallowing it actually.
I’m in a spot where I’m used to avoiding this. This is what I’ve spent the last 40 years trying not to feel. Grief is trying to come up, and I know of only one time I’ve ever let it out.
My mind has been composing these words, and my emotions are waiting.
I don’t feel terror. I feel an actual willingness. I feel closer to 20 years back when I let this out, sobbing on a counselor’s lap at a healing weekend.
Phoenix is allowing this. I haven’t let go yet. But I’m not being pushed either. I’m seeing in my mind this Phoenix image swirling in front of me. It’s inviting me to step closer, to step in. Just like 20 years ago.
I feel myself looking for, listening for my brother’s direction. I’m asking “what do I do?” And it’s quiet.
I recently said I don’t trust myself. I usually trusted him for everything. I’ve blamed myself when things went wrong.
I blamed myself for him not returning home. Like someone had to be punished. That was normal in my home, coming from Mom. I hated myself since I was trained to do that.
I’m in a spot I’ve never been. Ever. And I accept it. Time for change.
Flipping amazing.
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Washout day 3
I’m feeling lonely this morning. Yesterday I felt rage and shame since I expected support here.
I’ve had those expectations every day of my life. I realized this since yesterday I was having those same unspoken expectations of my coworker. I also realized I had put all the blame on him. He was the problem.
Experience has taught me time and time again that when I’m really unsettled, I’m projecting my crap onto others. That was really true yesterday. I saw him as a selfish, self-serving pos not caring about anybody else. Yep. Exactly.
After writing that, I felt a sense of loving towards myself. I’ve always expected anyone (not me) to love me. It’s a very unfulfilling existence, put mildly.
Loneliness, I’ve also learned, is the unique awareness that I am not loving myself. Noone else can fill that. Only I can.
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Day 4
Rest day
LB and Emperor yesterday
I just wrote this off the forum. I’m scared to share it, but this is what’s happening. No glory and celebration. Just accepting truths a little at a time.
Pasted below.
I want to hide this morning. Emperor might be working on my stuck issues because I have desire to step out somewhere today, but I keep seeing myself as young, weak, and not able to succeed.
This is where I was stuck when using Genesis last year. I saw opportunities left and right, but I felt like that scared small child fearing failure again. Imagining failure.
I’m avoiding responsibility now, but also in the memories floating through my mind.
I think I’m looking at my wealth ceiling. I “can’t do this” and “can’t do that”, all of it in my head.
Just realized…noone was there to talk to. Noone was okay with truth. Seeing a moment in my childhood, me standing underneath a tree, feeling alone.
I also feel and felt a blaming I initiated on myself. I thought “being alone means someone has to be hated”. I threw it on myself.
That was the worst feeling. I totally believed all of this, and…I never, ever shared it. Noone cared about themselves, so me being valuable or cared about was not an option.
I’ve avoided that belief. That memory was traumatic. Dissociation from it has been my survival tool.
Hiding was the tool of the day. I couldn’t resolve it, so I created fantasies to hide behind. That’s what I’m feeling now.
I’ve not been here before. I’m unsure what’s doing the digging, but I’m looking at my past finally. Something is working.
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I was reading someone’s journal, and something became very clear.
I’ve been avoiding sharing here since…I don’t want to keep looking at my failures and poor self-perceptions of myself. I don’t want to identify myself constantly by this.
I want to be good enough, loveable, considerate. I want to be on the same team, not a castaway.
I want to be loved. I wish to trust myself and care about others too.
How do I do this? One moment and step at a time
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I chose to listen to Phoenix tonight since I’ve been fearful of feeling too vulnerable around coworkers tomorrow. I’ll do Genesis or LB tomorrow morning
I pulled this from the NFTW thread:
I’m unsure of the actual reasons for this, but the issue of self-belief has frankly…really hit home for me, actually since I began Genesis last year. Genesis didn’t create this issue. No, not at all.
I believe a lot of old survival strategies I’d used pre-healing were not accessible so easily while on Genesis. Like I’d lost my grip on my old survival tools, aka my identity. I am 52 years old, but I’ve been acting like a 12 year old “little brother” to males around me, and I was hiding behind other’s strength and skill to (survive feeling like a 12 year old around adult peers). Hiding this, from both myself and others, was MANDATORY to me.
And I think Genesis allowed me to see who I am more clearly and how I’ve been living WITHOUT all the fears normally associated with acknowledging it. Thank God for emotional transmutation.
And now I’m trying to find where I fit and can be true to myself. Yes…Phoenix is helping with this. When I began writing that sentence, I realized…that I was holding on to old ways, like I’ve always done. It’s always been “normal” for me. Letting go of “survival” tools often feels or appears scary, but really, I’ve not had emotional shocks while on Phoenix.
I’m kind of smiling at my beliefs now. I thought one would know what to do when they grew up. I’m serious. …I really think I demanded others to have the answers that I didn’t have. But just like I hate people treating me like that, people distance themselves when I demand they know too.
So…self-belief. I’ve been seeing this and owning it at times, but I’m seeing my own blocks to believing in myself clearer than I did 30 or 60 days ago. Changes are actually happening. They’re often not so loud though.
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