Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#453

Day 7
Rest day

I woke up realizing someone had disrespected me. Realized I’ve given the same treatment back. Realized I’ve been giving and receiving this same disrespect around for ages in any setting.

I don’t respect myself. I blame myself for some unidentified reason. I recoil away, fearing more pain of awareness. Fearing I’d see the truth and feel utterly helpless to change it.

It starts with me?

Yes. This is my reality. I create this. I treat myself poorly then get around others hoping someone will see and acknowledge something good in me.

I’ve lived like that for decades. Even setting myself up so people treat me poorly.

This has been how I’ve lived. How I live now.

Can I change? How? Not sure.

Also, why?

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#454

That “why?” came from the part of me which is leary of change. It wants absolutes. Known outcomes. It’s a scared, wounded kid intolerant to unneeded pain.

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#455

Day 16
Regeneration today, midday

How do you write when…I realize I’ve been avoiding my truth?

I didn’t plan on writing that, but it’s been coming out lately. I did a sub changeup, and that changeup has been touching me in spots I’ve cloaked from myself consistently.

My stack currently: Stark Black. And Regeneration. 5 minute loops, every other day.

I bought SB the 2nd day it was out, and I listened. It immediately began stretching my views and settled upon thoughts of what…and who I am. I’ve felt very alive on it. And I’m being vague.

SB has been hitting my scarcity mentality. That’s awesome…but I’m seeing my scarcity mentality isn’t with finances alone. It’s in relationships too. It’s just like money, in my mind. “If I don’t invest emotionally in this person, I won’t suffer any loss.” I’ve been more attentive to what I’m building in relationships, and I see some old trauma keeping me back (and invisible), so to speak.

I’ve been afraid to love any friend, fearing I’ll get hurt. I’m having memories of 30 years back, me living with shields up, and my stance has been pretty consistent all this time. Emotionally, it feels simple. A trauma has kept me back from building bonds with men (and women) all my life. Which is why I went back on Regeneration following Phoenix. It hits traumas directly, and I’ve felt some good effects on it (found in the objectives).

I’m following the sales page guidelines of stacking it with things I struggle with, and SB fits that groove easily. My struggles have been success, seeing myself as capable, relationships of all kinds, so I am doing what I’ve been wanting to do for so long: to grow, but not hide in healing. And that’s happening a day at a time.

I’ll share more about SB later.

Edit: I reconsidered Phoenix today for one reason: the NSE scripting. But if I’m correct, the NSE scripting in SB melds into Regeneration’s scripting. I felt that today, which is why I thought of Phoenix. That changes everything.

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#456

One thing, which I’ve been afraid of (being honest), is being vulnerable.

But I’m drawn to honest people, movies, anywhere or anything which encourages me to be real. I haven’t been hiding in the exact same box like I did before. For example, Stark Black, as parrotted by others, just makes me take action in constructive ways (vs. hiding from challenges).

2ce in the last week I wanted to go to the library after work. Years back, libraries were a way to hide from challenges and responsibilities. But I actually went home with a newfound mentality of taking on shit I’ve had fears of. It was amazing since my normal way of tackling problems is to put a cover over all my feelings and jump into what I’m afraid of. And my thinking’s been nothing like that. I feel good when getting stuff done, like I’m reaching some great achievement.

I even took some time to consider a direct mail piece I got yesterday. I spent time considering the benefits, the work I’d need to do, but what MOST caught my attention: I’m seeing improvements in my persistence. I’ve joined a number of business ops and never taken one step forward. That small improvement is humongous to me. No shit, I know of at least 5 or 6 opportunities right now…but I’ve also known my fears too well. My stopping points. Yes, SB is working on these on a daily basis.

Stark Black’s scripting has really been changing my daily perspective. It still is. SB is giving color to my life :slight_smile:

#457

Day 18

I felt needy this morning, so I listened to LBFH. And 15 minutes later, I listened to SB.

I’m sad for some reason. Finally owning my shit.

I am still reacting internally to old fears of men. I change my words here (almost did in this post), so I won’t be rejected.

Old strategies are popping up, the same ones I’ve tried to eliminate over the years.

I’m not settled.

Yes. Feeling needy. I’m not wanting to leave here.

#458

Day 19
Rest day

ASBR is doing something big in me.

I woke up earlier than normal, like many have said so far. However, I was angry about something.

It didn’t feel like normal recon anger. No, not like that. This anger was real and pure. From childhood on, I’ve suppressed real anger, my anger, and to this day I still try not to sit with it since it’s connected to pain I’ve never faced. Or, much more often, I’ll try to deny it. That happens often, and it comes out sideways.

This morning I felt anger, and I felt it fully. I’ve never felt like that before. The biggest difference? I didn’t feel helpless. I felt powerful, but in control.

This must have started yesterday, as I had a clear awareness while working. I’ve gotten hostile habitually when working with others, this happened yesterday, and I was unusually aware of it.

And what I realized quickly was simple. I stir in anger only when I don’t speak up for myself. I’ve been playing this victim role repeatedly for years, and I wasn’t seeing it. I’d hold everything in until I was obviously boiling over. But yesterday I told my coworker two things I thought were important to change, and it went unusually smooth. He actually agreed with me. I hadn’t thought it could be so simple.

I spoke up for myself. I didn’t hold it in, so anger didn’t build up and grow. ASBR is making changes in me. I’m looking for more :slightly_smiling_face:

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#459

Day 20
ASBR and LBFH this morning

I felt a need for protection this morning, to love myself.

I put on ASBR first for 5 minutes to see if that would fill the void. I still felt vulnerable, so I listened to LBFH right after.

I’m a mix of motivation and insecurity (vulnerability) right now.

#460

Washout day 1

I want to share I’d planned on starting Phoenix next cycle. However, I was stuck all morning thinking about what’s being worked on and dug up, and that’s the victim mentality which I realize I still rely on.

I’ve been uncomfortable the last two days keeping eye contact. I’ve realized in the moment that I’ve manipulated people with expressions and words, hoping they’d treat me like I was a needy kid. Avoiding eye contact is me trying to not keep using that same dynamic for relationships.

Back to the next cycle. I’m going to stay with Regeneration. I first thought of @Jouissance’ post where he saw people finding success with a sub, but thought jumping to another would be even better. He saw them lose something by switching.

Regeneration has been working in me. Right now it’s dealing with roots to this lifelong victim mentality I’ve used and hidden from myself, year after year. It’s uncomfortable because I’ve used it for so long.

And yes. Switching has been me avoiding REAL change. Similar to when I was using Genesis, a sub I had countless discoveries on. I switched because I became insecure since I began imagining emotional danger or pain right around the corner regularly.

Genesis had me relaxing and feeling like a kid…but I experienced lots of emotional abandonment when I was a kid. Imagining that coming back makes something with a clear result seem so much more attractive. I jumped to DR. Less fear and insecurity due to excellent support scripting. I.e. I felt competent being an adult.

So I’m going to give Regeneration another cycle.

@Sub.Zero
@TheEmpress

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#461

Washout day 2

I’m looping “Numb” by Linkin Park, a song which I actually discovered last year, and the video feels like me, then not, then it does.

Regeneration has been working today, showing itself, making me reflect a little…but feel a lot. Nothing super extreme, just links to how it does something to old beliefs. Mostly it’ll be me feeling uncomfortable for a while, where I judge myself for failing to live up to other people’s expectations. Yeah, it’s been activating today.

I won’t erase all what I just wrote. I’ve wrestled with old feelings of powerlessness today–a key belief and feeling I had growing up. Feeling unable to change “anything” was something I believed I’d been given, and my life focus circled on that.

—I’m just writing what’s on my mind now. I’m feeling stuff–and I’ve had this belief that I’m all alone with it. I realize this in part since I’ve noticed myself pulling away from others; yesterday moreso, but today as well.

Fuck, there’s the connection. I’m here at subliminalresults. It’s 99% guys here. And that’s where my sadness comes from. I’ve been afraid to touch or own the memories or feelings from that time in childhood, and me pulling away is old fear playing a guardian. I can write the incident and some memories, but I shut down emotionally instantly. I’m writing and hoping I’ll feel more.

I had some tears while writing. I even had some today while at work.

And fuck, again. I’m seeing I can use words to distract from this trauma. I’m just trying to feel this. It’s painful, but it’s honest. It’s ME, and I’m not those memories. But a lot of me I’ve not seen and felt since that time.

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#462

It’s been a mix of emotional freedom and inner resistance to such change, but I had a fantasy minutes ago of focusing heavily on Regeneration and Sanguine Elixer to work through this stuff.

What’s most important to me?

#463

Washout day 3

I know what I’m going to do next cycle. It’s going to be predominantly Regeneration along with Sanguine the Elixer, adding on ASBR for a single loop midweek to keep the wealth and success mindset growing. It’ll be Regen and SE day 1 and 5, with Regen and ASBR on day 3. I’m going to stick with that to root out emotional holdups I’ve been unable to touch without subliminals.

After 2 or 3 cycles, I’ll change to Regen and Genesis to continue the wealth mindset. I hit a hard block while running Genesis last year, a limiting success belief related to early childhood, which is stuff I’ve kept hidden from myself. It may clear before adding Genesis, but we’ll see. I’m wishing to put more financial focus in my subs as I clear out old head trash.

I’ve been fearful of the emotional quiet today. I wasn’t processing the subs constantly…I’ll not continue that statement since I was, but I felt afraid and I kept using caffeine to avoid it. It did process, but that door to my awareness wasn’t blown open today like it was yesterday.

2 short awarenesses did happen unexpectedly though. I’ve been slightly paranoid of people seeing me, the real me, for the fear is simply being abandoned if they saw what I’m constantly trying to hide from them. But twice today, hours apart, I suddenly felt confident in myself once again. It was a beautiful reminder that this struggle won’t last forever if I use the subs consistently.

I’m having a lesser awareness in this last 20 minutes which is coming from Regeneration. For most of my younger adult years, I was around people who had grown up being physically, mentally, and/or sexually abused. They ALL have one core belief which is sometimes known, but often hidden: “It was my fault.” I’m beginning to connect my own beliefs with how I’m living my life, and I think I’m seeing that connection in myself.

I’ve dismissed it, avoided it, pushed it away…anything to not feel sooooo responsible for that pain. I’ve disassociated from it for emotional survival. Regeneration is opening up that door of awareness because I’ve always felt unable to process it.

2 more days.

#464

Washout day 4

Being real and honest has been hard for me. People who haven’t come from a troubled and broken family likely don’t get that, blaming the person and calling it a moral weakness.

I would too, maybe.

But I woke up this morning pretty aware of the inward battle between the social me, who adapts instantly to others, and the real me who’s spent his whole life hiding since he knows the truth and expects to be rejected and unwanted at any moment.

It’s always been easier…nah…safer to hide him away. I’ve never known how to heal him or hold him to comfort him. Life’s been constant hiding. Always watching my environment to know which front would work best.

In recent months and way before that, I’d know in the moment I was hiding and I’d feel bad about myself. I’d berate myself thinking I was doing the right thing. It was “fair”. Ultimately, I just wanted to not constantly hide and lie. Living in lies is hell on earth.

And healing the root had seemed impossible. I grew up in the 80’s, when therapy for such issues took off all around the globe. I spent hundreds of hours in counselor’s offices, finally trying out therapists in the early 2000’s.

And being honest now, I was hanging on to this troubled identity of mine. I had no tools or aids to transition away from survival into something new. I only had fears of being rejected if I dropped my mask.

And that’s where I’ve been for 30+ years. I’ve been hiding in broad daylight. Hiding from everybody else, but hiding from myself too.

I’m used to the old. But God, I’m wanting some relief. Hiding full-time is hard. I’d like to say I chose Regeneration, but really, I followed a wise man’s counsel. (Even writing that stressed me; fears of being rejected).

I’m glad I’m here today.

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#465

I wanted to share something that’s happening in me. Regeneration and ASBR working.

Since starting ASBR, I’ve really been woken up to financial possibilities. I’ve been eyeing good ones for a number of years, and I’ve been hung up on some old belief. I noticed this clearly while on Genesis. It woke me up then, but I kept hitting this wall.

I was writing my crypto miner this morning, and I was just barely in touch with this realization, but it made so much sense. I sensed I’d sworn off being successful since my father, who was very successful at the time, was hurtful to me and my mom while I was still an infant. Like I vowed to not be like him. If being successful meant being a dick, I’d never go there.

It’s made me feel helpless. Powerless even, living in a country where success is touted everywhere. And knowing I could do so much more.

The crypto trading system I own has been advertising some positive changes and additions to their systems, covering both active and automated trading. I signed up for a webinar this morning after skipping one a week back. For whatever reason, I wanted to take some action. (SB kicking in)

What I’m seeing is Regeneration working on the root, while SB is encouraging and fertilizing good seed which is already there.

I’m actually kind of surprised. I’ve stopped myself a hundred times when pursuing financial opportunities. But I stayed on for the full webinar, which I haven’t done in quite a while.

And Regeneration is still working. I’m tempted to end this washout tonight since I’m wanting to run it tomorrow. Freedom from the same old hang-ups is beautiful, and I don’t want to step back. That’s just fear speaking, but it’s a wonderful desire.

I am planning on putting money into small trades initially, building it up in a 90 day window.

To finalize my point, I’ve had my feet dug in so I wouldn’t move for a long, long time. I’ve moved without the same holdups today, and I crave more.

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#466

Something else.

I got up to eat an hour ago, having been in bed all day doing nothing. 59 hours this week. Saturday too.

I noticed pots on the stove while walking through the kitchen, so my housemate was cooking.

But I don’t feel safe around him. I only expect criticism, and I avoid him. I ate my meal in the quiet garage, and when going through the kitchen again, he was cooking at the stove. I didn’t speak to him.

10 minutes later he called through my door, asking if I’d eaten. I told him I had, and I thanked him for the offer.

I’m happy since I didn’t ignore myself and give in. I’ve done it in the past, and I resented myself for it. He’s lonely. I’m just tired of resenting myself to keep an image up.

And a Regeneration objective is working here in me, for me:

“Obtain a sense of complete emotional freedom from societal constraints and ideas pushed upon you by others.”

Before, I might have given in. :muscle:

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#467

Washout day 5

Wow. Changes. Lots of them happening.

I woke up before my alarm once again, and I had this sense to get up and get busy.

What’s beautiful here is what wasn’t so active: the victim mentality with all its weak reasons for why…poor me, poor me, poor me…sniffle sniffle…

No. None of that :+1:. That’s new and AWESOME.

I feel like I’m being given a new chance in life. Even to where I doubted I’d stay with ASBR since it’d distract from Regeneration.

But no no. Thank you @Jouissance again. This combination is working BEAUTIFULLY. Why would I change THAT?

Something’s kicking in, and I’m gonna run with it! Wow!

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#468

Day 1
Sanguine the Elixir this morning

Yesterday I questioned if I should listen to SE this morning or ASBR. I wanted to feel empowered.

First I reread SE’s sales page. Personal power, self-belief, and self-love. Check.

Then I emailed a friend since he’s been doing something which I disagree with. I shared my concern, as there will be consequences if he continues. I’ll not be specific here.

And I cried once I sent it. I even wondered why tears came so easily.

It was a reflection of me possibly losing my brother again. I was fearing he’d abandon me. Even writing that made me tear up.

So SE was my choice. Self-love is huge in this one, and I’ll need it since I’ve often blamed myself for my brother leaving. Yeah, that old belief and my rounds of torturing myself is a hell I’d like to be free of.

#469

I’m still at work. What I realized is why I’m on Regeneration.

I’m looking for parts of me I’ve ignored, shut down, and avoided. Parts of me I rejected.

That’s what I’m searching for.

#470

Day 2
Rest day

I listened to Regeneration yesterday at lunch, and it strengthened my mind and heart. I noticed my true vulnerability coming out. I admitted some of it to 2 different people after that. It just felt safe to do so. My vulnerability is returning.

And with that, I woke up fearing rejection this morning. Afraid. Just afraid of anything for whatever reason.

Now that I recall, I almost wrote here last night. I was so anxious and jittery I didn’t. I even gave in and listened to 3 minutes of Phoenix.

It’s like something is breaking through.

And what I realized: this is tolerable since I feel detached enough from what it’s working on. Like I feel it, but the pain level is only at 15%. Whereas I imagine opening this in a therapy setting, and it’d be 85%. Maybe higher.

Still a little anxious now. I just did a mental flip, remembering sharing last night. I put that feeling of safety here, in my writing. That’s different for me. It allowed me to relax :relieved:.

#471

I’m at work, I just asked a guy a random question, and he ignored me.

I realized I’m expecting him to validate me.

I’ve spent a lot of time through the years feeling sorry for myself when others didn’t do that.

And like this morning, I’m feeling maybe 15% of it.

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#472

Day 3
ASBR and Ascension Chamber this morning

I’m feeling a lot of emotions this morning. It’s just change.

I’m realizing I want to play sad, small, and helpless since that’s normal for me. That’s a survival routine though. I won’t do that.

I’m good.

Yeah, that part of me is seeking something familiar.

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