Day 7
LB last night
Emperor this morning
I feared a slight overload this morning, but that didn’t happen. I listened to Emperor and, despite my negative fortune telling, I felt good after.
What is different is the Emperor changes don’t feel like I’m wearing a personna. That’s what’s different.
Emperor used to feel like it was all the subliminal doing the work, not me. It felt forced. This is distinctly different from prior versions.
NSE? Very likely
I’m at work, riding with a coworker. We just passed one of our trucks, and I observed something.
A woman began driving for us, she’s married to one of our drivers here, but she’s very attractive. She was driving the truck that just passed.
I felt uncomfortable, so I looked away when she passed. Another truck of ours was right behind it, and I waved to him. And I noticed my mentality.
I’ve not felt deserving of a beautiful, healthy woman. There’s this thinking that says “no, not for me”.
I felt a small hope seconds later since LB is affecting me. Also a twinge of confidence from Emperor.
That long-standing “no” to myself is losing power.
But one day at a time. Imagining where this could go panicked me briefly.
I’ve had this desire since starting LB to write what’s on my mind.
All morning I’ve felt this battle between loving myself and the opposite, which is keeping everything inside and just stuffing it.
I even had small bouts of tears twice. Like a vigorous debate has been going on upstairs, and LB won. Tears were evidence of something deep changing.
I’m slowly allowing myself to even imagine loving someone else. I’ve seen a dozen different women this morning and my emotions wanted to let one in.
And that inner debate is still going on. Subconscious reconciliation is underway.
Day 8
Rest day
Emperor is kicking in. I actually dm’d someone this morning since I wanted to break away from seeking everyone’s approval here on the forum.
The truth is that I’ve had both Emperor-led thoughts of freedom alongside desires of wanting to hold onto the old ways. Pretty normal knowing how subs work.
And when I unclench my hands even a little, I see and feel LB (or me) embracing me right where I am. Change is definitely easier with LB.
Allowing it is how it’s done.
Day 10
Rest day
Emperor and LB are allowing new changes in me.
I actually started this post over 30 minutes ago. But I heard my housemate up making his coffee. And I found myself wanting to go out and see him.
–I noticed this. I normally hold some grudge of fear and past pain toward him which I’ve held to… but I found myself actually getting up. I allowed it, feeling positive for some reason.
It was a very positive discussion, safe even, as no blame or accusation was even in the air. I’d written in the Emperor discussion thread before this, and I shared how I’m changing more into a person being willing to take risks. This is new to me, and exciting too.
I went out to speak with him with me being aware of this. I even turned the conversation in that direction since he’s 91, but his mind is still invigorated by little challenges and undertakings. For example, he rearranges furniture and decorations almost as often as a teenage girl, but his professional background was running supermarkets—and the presentation was how he did so well. He’ll move chairs and cabinets on a whim, and this is him seeking to be an active member in society.
I found empathy in his normal desire to not stay stagnant (“stagnant water breeds disease”–his statement), and I actually found myself in a similar struggle. Where he’s trying to look past physical limitations, I’ve tried to look past mental limitations which I actually accepted and used myself. I didn’t tell him, but I found a common thread there.
Gonna jump off since I’m planting my garden today. Yesterday and in weeks past, I blamed him in my mind for him discouraging me by manipulating me with guilt and fear. That pissed me off.
But…I was actually angry (I hung on to a hurt) since…he didn’t encourage me like I wanted him to. That sounds so immature, and I was holding on to that. But LB and Emperor are on the move, changing my thinking.
Now, I’ve got to go face the risk of failing with my garden…and losing love…yep. That’s why I’ve pushed so much risk away.
Day 14
Rest day
Both LB and Emperor yesterday
I shared in the Emperor thread lately that I’ve not been writing here. Things have been changing. Hiding here is an old norm which I’ve been opposed to. I’m also not confident that creating a new journal would fix anything. Avoiding the issue isn’t solving anything.
But I am changing. Right here, right now I’m facing a slight recon on actual changes that feel good–and part of me is not accepting it. For me, that’s real change. They’re real challenges. That’s exactly what I’ve been hiding from for so long. And I’m finally facing this.
Recon challenges my thoughts, the very ones I’ve used over and over again. It just stands there, asking “Really?”
I’ve been experiencing glimpses of good things that are possible–and these good things are only thoughts and imaginations. And my mind has been fighting them for some reason. That’s my recon.
But truly, I’d give up in years past. I’d assume I’d fail, so giving up on the hope of good possibilities was common.
I just was in a memory of my 20’s, and I now know something. When I couldn’t accept good realities in myself, I’d seek others out, mostly with an unspoken intention for them to see good in me.
That worked, but it left me feeling powerless within, and I began being “successful” at running away from that awareness. --damn. That’s when lying to myself began. Like I enjoyed the success, but I never faced that inner reconciliation.
Wow. That linked to my birth family’s dynamic of “we never solve problems here”. Problems were avoided, ignored, and seen with contempt. That’s where I learned “practiced powerlessness”.
Gonna get up. Feeling sad (listening to love songs too).
I didn’t grow up facing problems. I feel small asking this. Can I solve my life’s problems?
The recon is the young me believing I’m powerless vs. the new me believing I’m flippin powerful. That’s real recon.
Day 15
I listened to my LB and Sanguine custom this morning by itself. I had an unsure plan of not listening to anything today…but a desire peaked, so I listened. I look forward to today.
Here’s my custom. 10 modules.
|Love Bomb Core|1|$0.00|
|Sanguine Core|1|$0.00|
|Joie de Vivre|1|$0.00|
|Divine Self-Image|1|$0.00|
|Negativity Displacer|1|$0.00|
|Gratitude Embodiment|1|$0.00|
|Synergy: Subconscious Mastery|1|$0.00|
|Synergy: Beyond Connection|1|$0.00|
|Inner Voice|1|$0.00|
|Enchanting Smile|1|$0.00|
Something that’s hitting me
I’ve been taking responsibility in my life. I’ve felt it growing. I’ve also known myself to keep pulling back.
This morning I felt it. I’ve not taken responsibility for the inner me. I noticed it this morning when I showed up late for work. Being late for work is me saying I’m afraid of this change.
Work is easy, in contrast to facing, owning, and feeling the person inside.
It’s the piece of myself that I have avoided endlessly.
This is what I’ve wanted to own. To know. And ultimately, to forgive myself for. I’ve been terribly hard on myself for avoiding this.
And that’s likely what my recon has been about.
Have you considered Emotions unfettered?
I’m planning a similar custom with LB and Primal for emotional healing. That one sounds dope to me.
No, I’d never looked at it–but when I read the description, it sounded exactly like what Renaissance Man does. You feel everything fully. Completely. And I’ll have to reread the sales page, as I made a custom with it, DD, and Wanted during my DR run 2-3 years back. I was like “Why not?” It was a social “kitchen-sink” sub. I think I did all of 2 loops out of it, pre-ZP era. (That was a recon decision. I was facing something I’d been stuck on during stage 2, and I ordered it on a whim. Barely used it, like I said. And I never went on to Stage 3 or 4).
But I’m writing now since I’m literally in a recon mindset. I did my custom this morning, and with doubts about it, I listened to Emperor before leaving work this afternoon. And recon came on. I’ve wanted to hide out. And even…began seeing how me holding myself back could mean I need DR soon. Yeah. Pure recon thoughts, the kind which say “you’re f***ed if you’re gonna not change your subliminal”.
I looked up “recon” in the forum, and found @Skadoosh’s post about finding one’s recon level.
I’m like "FUCK! I’m overdoing it, and I’m only on Emperor and LB! (DR was rougher at times, pre-ZP).
…now, my first panicked thought was “2-4 days!!! But I’ll feeeeeel my emotions!”
And that is exactly what I wrote about this morning. I’ve evaded/avoided my own emotions of a younger me–because …(emotional puke…not here).
But that is what I spoke of this morning. It was also my logic to consider DR again. —but I’m just very aware of them due to recon. Recon emotions are BIG, STRONG, and …DESPERATE. ALL!!!..or nothing. NOW!!! or never.
Fuck, @Skadoosh, I’ve given thought to stretching out off-days since I began doing weekend rests while on DR. Every weekend, the most powerful struggles came up…since DR was blooming. It wasn’t bad recon. It felt like emotional therapy, where I’d face some of my childhood emotions and beliefs for a bit, but I’d allow myself to ask if I kept wanting to hold on to them. The beautiful answer I came up with time and time again was…“Wow! I don’t have to”.
And to share what I’m feeling now, I’m feeling inhibition to making such changes. But recon is working on my emotions presently, and nothing seems stable right now. 2 off-days sound beautiful right now…
Take it easy champ. 
What is your objective with this custom?
I worked this morning, and I feel good right now. You’re right on that, as minding other things outside of my recon mentality ceased that steady worry and fear. Sitting in funky thinking helps noone, me especially.
To feel good. I stacked Sanguine and LB for a single day a month or more back, and I’ve ruminated on that belief that “life might have lots of challenges right now, but I feel GREAT”.
I rarely do anything blatantly good for myself IMO, and this was an effort to love myself in real life.
When I first saw this custom, my first thought was: “DAMN! THAT IS A FUCKING AWESOME CUSTOM! And possibly one of the best ones I’ve seen! Tight. Focused. Directed. No fluff.”
When I saw this, I knew you had DEFINITELY thought about it! This is how I think a custom should be done. An objective, and then specific, clear modules regarding the objective.
Some people might say “to feel good” is too vague or broad. In this case, I would say you are very specific in what you are wanting based on the modules you picked.
A+, dude!
@RVconsultant, I’m not sure what to say. I’ll try.
Thank you for the compliment. I actually began crying when I read your first response. Even today, while at work, someone complimented me, and I noticed I am so used to deflecting positive remarks. This was after I’d given a compliment to someone else.
So…maybe Love Bomb is sinking in.
Probably. I am a complete mush today.
Something unexpected.
2ce today I heard my mind call out directions to do what I’d normally ignore anyway. Maybe it’s Merger of Worlds in Subconscious Mastery.
One example. I’d been watching a touching movie, and I’d been crying. But I had to pee, and quickly got up. I heard “STAY!!” I have had a fear about seeing my housemate who tries to “hold people hostage” since he’s lonely. So I stayed, but only for about 30 seconds before leaving.
Like I said, normally I don’t even listen to these inconvenient and non-logical commands–though it’s been a long time since such thoughts have come up.
But I listened. And what I connected was this was part of me trying to protect the little me inside who felt sad. I listened because I thought maybe the inner me which I’ve avoided was speaking up. On an emotional level, I got kind of an intuitive confirmation.
I’ve never had much reason to listen to such thoughts. Maybe I should listen more.
Another thing happened today which is strange for me. Not painful or stressful at all. Just not my norm.
Twice today I’ve gotten up to go to the bathroom, and I was different. Usually I’ll have some unknown guilt plague me, and I’ll look out at my housemate while I’m heading to the bathroom. I admit I’ve let him demand my attention–since I obviously opened the door. Usually, that’s my norm.
But today…wow. Definitely different. I wouldn’t or couldn’t look at him. I was in the mindset to not let him into my mental space. I walked past ignoring any contact with him, both in and out. I wondered if it was Emperor. It might have been, at least in part.
But I checked the LB sales page 10 minutes ago, and I found this.
Yeah, I’ve felt exploited and used many times. That pisses me off just thinking of it. Which is why my actions today caught my attention. I just wouldn’t allow him in. Not at all. I didn’t want to feel used. And I didn’t allow it.
That’s powerful.
Day 17
2nd rest day
Is love sinking in?
Is Emperor finding its place in my life?
I’ve really not wanted to write—to give away my rights and responsibilities for myself.
This is my 2nd day of rest, something I tried a year back while on DR. Similar things are happening, as this 2nd day is showing me more than I expected. I’m finding I don’t want to keep myself in the same stuck place anymore. I’ve not even wanted to write, because writing always used to be where I acted (and somewhat believed) that I couldn’t do change. That I was helpless. And maybe, just like when I was young, a “big brother” would rescue me. I’ve gone back to that place 1000’s of times. I’ve used writing to manipulate readers that “I need help”. Which is why I’ve avoided it numerous times today.
And today, I’m seeing BOTH sides of the problems I’ve hung on to. I literally see both me seeking to play and believe I’m young, and I sense and believe I have a burgeoning sense of power. That I can change my life.
It’s terrifying. AND also extremely exciting. Which is exactly why this parallels DR. Because it challenges the same beliefs. The exact same ones.
The same issues. Just a different tool. I’m excited (and scared) about this.