Day 3 of washout of Emperor and my LB Sanguine custom
Yesterday, my mind began remembering ASBR’s mental productivity in finances along with tons of ideas that came to me while using it. I enjoyed reminiscing.
I had 2 trains of thought.
- Am I being led that direction by my subconscious?
- Is this recon?
Because I was loving the memories. I just felt cautious since when I’m facing change and its recon, subs pop up suddenly “to save the day”. So, I DM’d someone here who’s pointed this out with me before.
I was relieved in his first assessment, as I’ve written on previous day 3’s of washout that…get this…“I’m going to change to X after this washout”. And I have. Numerous times. The short of it is I’ll be staying on Emperor.
To stack on that “why?”, I’ll try to explain what I sensed this morning. In short, Emperor doesn’t advertise itself as a personal improvement sub. It boasts productivity, a powerful mindset, and wealth training. (And I know …uh huh…that I’ve not been looking lately)
But fuck…maturity? I’ve been skating this one. Hell yes, I have. I wrote of a revelation yesterday of me holding onto immature thinking since “if I grow up, I’ll lose my brother’s love”. Additionally, this mindset has been beneficial…gawd…since it puts responsibility on someone else..
And yes, I’ve enjoyed ducking and dodging this (it’s been a childish game, honestly), since someone somewhere (in a dysfunctional parental savior mode) will pick up responsibilities needing tending to.
This morning, I sensed a maturity, a stability, and … acceptance growing in me. It wasn’t loud at all. It was maturity I’ve only imagined before. Again, it was not loud and strong. It just was.
I woke up being aware of this, with me getting up to do chores I’ve hated doing. But while doing them, that’s when my mind began piecing this together. Doing stuff doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy it. (Sounds all mature-ish). But I hung on to this since it made me feel stronger, capable, and willing to grow.
And this is coming from a man who’s avoided major growth and change for multiple decades.
I’m so used to avoiding awareness of this. Truth. Which is why any action has been avoided for so long–in work changes, in finances, and in all relationships. A vicious spiral.
I feel good admitting that change–to myself.
