Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#553

I’m considering the LB/Sanguine custom since…

  1. They work fantastically together
  2. Your calm state is felt around others and I’ve seen people give in to that relaxed harmonious feeling I was emitting.
  3. In reality, this is my biggest one: I allowed myself to relax and not fear imagined negatives in my head. I’ve felt good before, but often let it go. I basically dismissed it. LB (which I’m using right now) is showing me I can allow peacefulness into my life. That’s unforgettable.
  4. Something Sanguine focuses on is confidence. I felt good, I felt worthy, and (new for me) I felt I could allow good feelings and beliefs into my life. True confidence is super easy with those bases covered.

And finally, some wisdom.

In many social circles, having enough wealth, status, or whatever makes one wealthy. But long ago, I noticed that loving myself and my life was true wealth to me. I’ve been working on financial wealth, making progress.

But loving myself, I’ve had loads of failure and, more often, I’ve given up. LB blows through those “I can’t” beliefs, and that is true wealth to me.

1 Like
#554

Day 3
Phoenix last night
LB this morning

Damn. Not making everyone happy. I’ll write to find an answer.

I just got off @Parsifal’s journal, and he’s on Emperor. I read a number of early posts, and I connected to the increasing motivation to make good changes in life.

This comes from a guy who accepted being stuck for many years, and reading his journal lit a fire in me.

Again, being stuck was my “stay young, stay hidden” mentality. It was also bathed in regret. Completely loaded with it.

Damn. I’ve accepted this so long.

I just realized another mental regret, my biggest one. I used people. I did. I’ve played powerless and helpless so many times–for one reason.

When I played powerless, I played with people’s emotions so I’d be rescued. Suddenly, someone took responsibility for me. And I hid from my own. It’s a manipulative game. I did this. I’ve felt shame.

I did that.

Emperor made me believe in myself. Remembering that shameful mentality is eating me up right now…but Emperor pulled me away from it. My big boy pants.

I’ll add this mental conflict. The main reason I pulled off Emperor last cycle was…CFW overrode that success mentality completely. CFW owned my world, and I grew very discouraged. It is also older technology, and I remember Saint having some struggle with it himself when they released it.

Still feeling shitty. I’ve lived like that. Can I not live in shame?

Gonna take a walk.

3 Likes
#555

I’m going to go back to Emperor and stack it with LB.

My life has been a game of responsibility dodgeball. I can name many regrets, both past and present, and 99% of them exist since I’ve dodged responsibility or even awareness of them. I’ve been doing this for decades, and life is hell when all I’m ever trying to do is be unaware of the fallout of my choices.

I’ve made my life hard. I can make positive changes.

I can do that.

1 Like
#556

There’s value in healing. But running healing titles should not be the end goal.

I think running Emperor is the right choice. You need to build something. Move forward. Emp will help with that.

2 Likes
#557

I agree. I’m moving forward with that choice.

Emperor is the only sub where I’ve realized that big shifts were happening, though they weren’t so obvious in the moment. Those little successes seem to change everything.

1 Like
#558

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”
HENRY DAVID THOREAU

This was unexpected to see.

What am I doing?

#559

Day 5
Listening day

I woke up feeling rough from LB last night. So I listened to Sanguine this morning.

I’m also realizing I’m not seeking everyone else’s validation. I’m seeking my own.

That’s why I’ve been uncomfortable. There’s like a low-key empowerment building. My mind’s adjusting to it.

2 Likes
#560

I’m seeing I tend to reject my own thoughts and feelings.

I noticed that after writing my last post. I felt uneasy followed by feeling giddy. I felt I had stated my truth to myself, so part of me celebrated.

But I also felt like I’d broken a rule, like I’m crossing a major boundary I’ve kept in place.

This is beautiful. Deep. New to me. And incredibly exciting.

Amazing.

3 Likes
#561

Facing something consistently this morning.

I’m used to seeking out others for validation. But I’m uncomfortable seeking it. I’m acting very unsure of myself.

Also, I’m uncomfortable receiving it. That’s why this stands out to me.

Edit: I’m at work, attempting to do my normal behaviors. But my throat is tense.

I’m really out of my norm mentally.

#562

Definitely experienced this. It could be like a rush for me, apart from the letting loose of my thoughts, I thought it was due to journaling which is a form of (taking) action, and the feel good scripting in cubs/modules taking effects.

1 Like
#563

2 realizations so far today:

I realized I’ve had this hidden expectation that women should love me. Not that I should love them. That’s why romantic relationships have been extremely sparse and…undesirable. I see myself as a leech doing that. Solitude, in contrast, doesn’t fill me with a guilty conscience. I’d never been aware of it.

Also, I had some road rage surfacing since I’m doing deliveries today. I clearly realized that I expected people (anyone at all) to love me. Like “it’s their job!” When a beeach drove by fast only 2 feet from me, I raged internally. Then it began spreading to everyone driving. I stopped driving, knowing LB is showing me what foundation I’m standing on.

I didn’t see any of that before.

1 Like
#564

This’ll probably make sense.

I would be in euphoria one minute, and two minutes later I’d feel scared and miserable. That shadow self would rise up and seem to fight progress.

When a sub is very active, I find this dance between the good parts of me and the shadow self.

1 Like
#565

Day 6
Rest day

I’ve not loved myself.

No girlfriend or wife?
No close friends?
No regular activities like church?

I pulled away fearing people would see…or I would see…this painful wound…that I’ve had little love for myself.

I’ve tried to hide it from my own awareness. And that really really effs up life. Each and every day.

I am feeling a little sad as I woke up this morning. LB is moving in and pushing out what I’ve been using to survive.

But I’m slowly seeing hope. Positive possibilities.

This is a ride. I sense it’s worth it.

Edit: I’m gonna request some days off soon. I’ve got time available. I’ll do it this morning

5 Likes
#566

It’s relieving to see I’m not the only one going through stuff like this, I’m facing similar challenges, best wishes to you.

2 Likes
#567

Made me smile.

I came on to say I’m feeling good about myself this morning :blush:

4 Likes
#568

Wondering…

Usually LB before bed, and Emperor in the morning.

But LB was heavy the last time I woke up. I don’t want to skip Emperor again.

…

I just fantasized about an Emperor and LB custom…

—fearing failure has held me back… Unsure right now.

1 Like
#569

Day 7
LB last night
Emperor this morning

I feared a slight overload this morning, but that didn’t happen. I listened to Emperor and, despite my negative fortune telling, I felt good after.

What is different is the Emperor changes don’t feel like I’m wearing a personna. That’s what’s different.

Emperor used to feel like it was all the subliminal doing the work, not me. It felt forced. This is distinctly different from prior versions.

NSE? Very likely

1 Like
#570

I’m at work, riding with a coworker. We just passed one of our trucks, and I observed something.

A woman began driving for us, she’s married to one of our drivers here, but she’s very attractive. She was driving the truck that just passed.

I felt uncomfortable, so I looked away when she passed. Another truck of ours was right behind it, and I waved to him. And I noticed my mentality.

I’ve not felt deserving of a beautiful, healthy woman. There’s this thinking that says “no, not for me”.

I felt a small hope seconds later since LB is affecting me. Also a twinge of confidence from Emperor.

That long-standing “no” to myself is losing power.

But one day at a time. Imagining where this could go panicked me briefly.

1 Like
#571

I’ve had this desire since starting LB to write what’s on my mind.

All morning I’ve felt this battle between loving myself and the opposite, which is keeping everything inside and just stuffing it.

I even had small bouts of tears twice. Like a vigorous debate has been going on upstairs, and LB won. Tears were evidence of something deep changing.

I’m slowly allowing myself to even imagine loving someone else. I’ve seen a dozen different women this morning and my emotions wanted to let one in.

And that inner debate is still going on. Subconscious reconciliation is underway.

2 Likes
#572

Day 8
Rest day

Emperor is kicking in. I actually dm’d someone this morning since I wanted to break away from seeking everyone’s approval here on the forum.

The truth is that I’ve had both Emperor-led thoughts of freedom alongside desires of wanting to hold onto the old ways. Pretty normal knowing how subs work.

And when I unclench my hands even a little, I see and feel LB (or me) embracing me right where I am. Change is definitely easier with LB.

Allowing it is how it’s done.

1 Like