Day 8
Rest day
I thought I was feeling anxious this morning, when I’m actually in that angry, defensive stance since so much change is confronting me.
To give perspective, I’ve willfully hidden from change and assumed failure for decades. Hiding always seemed safer. My thinking was “if you don’t know me, I’m SAFE!”
But that old belief clashes with what’s happening in my heart. I started crying while writing this. Something’s changing.
I’m realizing I’m different in my mindset.
I’ve usually stayed mentally in a spot, even steering my words and actions to line up with what I’ve deemed as “safe”. But today and since running New Emperor, I don’t even want to go back to that.
I’ll admit the only struggle I’ve really faced lately is whether to go forward or not, in many different areas. Before, it was “not” a lot. I’ve faced things about every day, mostly when reflecting how I used to do things, and why.
Day 9
WB this morning
New LBFH this afternoon
Wow. WB kicked in sooner than I expected it to this morning. I was at our early morning meeting, and I found myself being involved, watching one woman’s eyes, and noticing she started acting like she was aroused (trying to close her legs continuously–not her norm at all), and I realized WB may be hitting her. Along with this, I was completely confident in myself. I just felt good. I felt like this was normal for me.
I did notice that same woman appearing to dodge me later, as if I was triggering something in her. She is newly engaged though. It didn’t affect my mood or outlook. I felt good all day.
One thing I’m seeking to understand, as I’ve experienced some of this before with Stark. The last 2 times I ran Stark, I found myself imaging being on stage at a comedy club, and I was making funny stuff up as I went along. I know Stark has a “life of the party” vibe, and I was delivering. Of course, this was all imagined. But it came on in both runs.
And today with WB, I imagined me making up comical stuff here in the forum. I stayed with it, consistently imagining it. However, I noticed my comedy coming at other’s expense, and I imagined being told to chill. I found it a weird recon expression since anger, pain, and fear were starting to come out, all in my imagination, all “supposedly” funny.
That’s what I feel closer to discerning since I’m not sparring with healing messages. I’m feeling and seeing real-life connections, meaning why I protect myself by distancing myself from others. There are those feelings and beliefs in me seeking to come out, but no healing scripting is pouncing on them and altering them. I haven’t felt so clear-headed about my emotions…well, I don’t remember the last time I felt these without subliminal interference.
I began feeling down my last hour of work, so I listened to the new LBFH to pick me up when I got off. That comedic mentality was still in my head while shopping an hour later, and I enjoyed making a few people laugh (for stress-relief, it seemed). It felt really easy and very natural.
The last thing to accomplish was going to my bank’s drive-thru to pull some cash. The teller actually sent my card back to me (no money with it) and quickly came on the teller camera, visibly off a little, saying she forgot to put my cash in there. I instantly thought WB had hit her. She was sweet in her tone when she said her goodbyes, and that confirmed it to me. I’ve never had that happen while banking. 
I have noticed my charisma coming out all day. Gestures, non-chalant attitudes, all of it. I felt good about myself a lot today. WB did a lot in me today.
Day 10
Rest day
How? How? ugghhh…
The NSE scripting is coming in, and it’s pushing me to confront reality. I’m in scenarios where blame and faultfinding…never worked. At all.
Ok, here’s what happened. I got off work, and I wished to stay in what I’ll call a “hideout mentality”. I imagined my housemate talking to me when I walked in, and he’ll keep on for 30 minutes with little encouragement from myself. I considered going to the library, and for less than 3 minutes, that was my plan.
…But then, something in me did not want to hide out from this problem. Like, in seconds, I did not want to retreat and avoid. I wanted to face it. So, I felt positive about this shift, so I headed home after picking up some toiletries.
And I see I did this now: I braced for this “battle”, all in my head. And…nothing, nothing I’d imagined came true. Again. I even bought him some pudding while at the dollar store since he’s one who feels lifted up and validated by receiving gifts. But no battle.
That prepping for war was all for nothing.
I imagined my housemate complaining about some stupid thing, and while driving home, I verbally shouted “NO!!! I WON’T BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!” I got worked up, defending myself in my head.
Yeah, the NSE is quite simple. We just live with normal choices. Living in my head like I did coming home doesn’t work in REALITY.
I think I’ve lived in this imagined lifestyle since I controlled it. Predictability provided (some) peace. But really…I’ve just been battling ghosts in my mind.
Day 11
WB this morning
Emp at lunch
3 more minutes of Emp an hour ago
A short while ago while home, I began seriously wondering why I was hiding behind masks even while home. I felt like I’m living behind some pre-cast imagery of myself, and I’m rarely being honest with myself.
I shared it with someone here, but I couldn’t remember what it was called which Saint had scripting added to Emperor 4 to challenge it. And I just remembered: Imposter syndrome.
And in all seriousness, I’d like more of this. I’d love this to shake me so I’m not battling fronts constantly.
Voytek shared what was happening. I’m still feeling it this morning.
I PM’d someone, and then I chose to share it on the Emperor thread. Lots of processing happening.
Day 14
WB last night; Emp this morning
I’m without mental energy to even hide behind masks now. I have caffeinated a bit today…
but the NSE scripting is really taking me on a ride, one where I’m not sure where I’m going, but I’m definitely going.
It’s checking my whole reality and what I’ve built/hid behind/lied about/lied to myself about. Non-stop.
It’s not excessively stressful, mind you, but I feel like it’s pushing me closer to the edge of “being real”, and I’m reluctant to admit that I’ve habitually pushed it back. Being real means crying when I need to, expressing myself, wherever I’m at, however I am. I cried a few times alone today due to knowing this wants to come out.
That sounds extreme, and I’d agree. But this is coming from a guy who’s kept nearly everything, every emotion, every truth…inside. …it’s why I’ve lied to myself so much.
I will share something big I did realize today, something I’ve never even thought of before. Never.
I realized I didn’t want to grow up and be successful since my dad became successful–and he left us. I’ve seen myself doing what he did (or didn’t do), and I’ve put some roadblock in place, capping my present success attempts. I didn’t want to be him. That’s my life playing out there.
I’m not sure where and exactly why I made that decision, but it’s like I went into perpetual denial when I thought of my dad. Of how he felt of me. And how I felt or needed him. (made me cry). I never felt loved or wanted, and I’ve denied that pain. All of my life.
I’m even seeing some part of me speaking up… again. I was on Regeneration a month back, and one day, while on the back of a garbage truck, this part in me rose up and I heard him begging me for forgiveness. I instantly started crying, because this was huge. It was soooo moving. I never shared that here.
And today, I was in the yard, and I sensed that same part in me…making my life harder…like fearing anything and being unclear constantly…like I’m consistently in some mental denial of what I feel…and what is true. I sensed it. I also felt sympathy since this part of me was acting in fear, trying to gain attention, any at all. He’d do anything to be noticed. He’d even fuck things up so I’d give him attention.
I’m gonna go now.
Day 15
Rest day
I started writing, and waves of confusion and fear suddenly came on. All to prevent me from being honest. I’ve been living with this even back to my early 20’s, when I paper journaled a lot. I’d start writing, and every mental distraction would surface so I’d not feel or see my truth.
I’m not sure what’s being dodged so desperately, but I’ll admit that almost seeing through the clouds and confusion has baited me onto healing subs time and time again. Seeing a sliver of freedom is so addicting.
What am I so afraid of?
Why am I afraid of facing this?
Do I fear shame and pain, thinking I’ll leave the family?
I’m baited. No ideas on how and when. But again, I’m seeing light.
I’m asking myself “what do I need to do?”
Edit: part of me just wants to rest and allow the feelings to surface. “Battling” this has always taken me backwards.
Additional thought.
I’m remembering Genesis. It promoted curiosity. It changed desire, making me want things.
I don’t know why I’m running WB personally. Yet. Genesis woke me up though. It had me not afraid to explore.
I miss that mindset.
Recon? Maybe
The present holdup is this: “I’m not allowed to do that”.
And the NSE is challenging my perceptions constantly.
In all honesty…I’ve not seen myself as an adult. Hiding in immaturity has been safe, but uncomfortable.
I’d like to help me actually grow. I’ve been scared to, honestly. Side point–Genesis has that anti-fear and
adventure scripting. That motivated me.
I hate it when you’re right 
I’m still sitting in this truthful exchange. Tears come and go this morning.
Change.
I listened to New Emperor 10 minutes ago. I’ll do WB tomorrow morning.
I’m wishing to notice WB more in my life, so I switched WB so I could notice its effects when around others. Plus, I’ll sleep well with Emperor processing.
Day 16
Emperor last night
WB about 15 minutes ago
I’m feeling led into some truths I’ve been hiding from…and there’s some pride (denial) covering some pain and fear. I was around 6 or 7 years old.
I was realizing last night I’ve been facing issues with my father…but I’m on WB and Emperor, both heavily infused with romance scripting.
It’s become quite obvious. I don’t want a woman to know me. To hurt me. Why?
My heart, my masculinity…freezes up. I’m not allowed to express myself. I lock up.
Fear. Lots of fear.
I’m walking into something. I’m not even on a healing title, but I’m headed towards things I’ve avoided consistently.
My mind keeps heading back to some terror I’ve painted over 1000’s of times.
I’m looking into that… but now I’ve gotta get up and get ready for work. Been writing 20 minutes, slowly.
I don’t want to go live in denial. That’s the hell I created. God, help me today.
I wake up every morning at 345 to give myself time to think. Work doesn’t start until 630. I often go in early though. Work’s easy.
But this is digging. I see layers being peeled back. God, help me today.
Edit: I’m grateful I have this place to vent, to breathe. I write since it’s the opposite of how I grew up. Stuffing everything inside makes me look good, but I created a backed up emotional sewer I’d never want someone to experience. Spitting up somewhere, ANYWHERE, is a lifeline for me. Thank you everyone
WB has some great emotional regulation scripting in it too. It can be very helpful dealing with what you just described. I relate.
Thank you Fractal
A shoutout to @michel.
I read your reply days ago about suddenly speaking up to that lowlife customer and finding your voice. I’ve wondered if I had it in me.
Nothing’s happened like that. Yet. I’m writing since I came home from work, set my stuff down, then vacated the room since he was watching “news” on his favorite network. I knew exactly what the journalists were talking about, and I knew it was hateful. It always is.
I ate my dinner in the garage, my only place where I don’t have to listen to this shit if I want a quiet meal if he’s in the house. I came back into the kitchen after eating, and he was in his room. He had on a baseball talkshow, and when I stepped in the kitchen, I heard it turn to his “news” station.
I said “you bastard” in a low voice, as he’s a sold-out ass to his side, thinking less of anyone who thinks differently (“you don’t say!”). And when I finally shut off the lights to go to my room…he switched his loud TV back to baseball.
I don’t like assholes who try to bully their beliefs on others. I’ve seen him do it once, and he laughed after it was over. Well, I was just showering, and I began speaking out my rage at such disrespect and flippin arrogance. If he blatantly tried to do that while I was in the same room—I’m finally starting to feel powerful enough to speak to him about it. Not nicely AT ALL. I wouldn’t care about moving out either. No fucking way!
I’m really pissed now. But guy (my housemate) wake the fuck UP! I don’t want to hear your GARBAGE!
Damn!! I’m glad self control is elevated in the New Emperor. I might have gone to his room NOW and told him.
Right now, I’m still sleeping with earplugs. MFer!!
Day 17
Rest day
It’s sad. I am thinking about last night and how I feel this morning. I remembered giving in in a fight I had with my girlfriend before we decided to get married. She gave me an ultimatum that she’d not return, and fearing living out that I’d pushed someone else out of my life again, I caved.
What occurred to me is…that I actively push myself out. I’m doing this to myself.
What’s surprisingly different is I’m not facing this in a little boy mindset, which has been my norm.
But I am facing it. My challenge is not to find the closest bandaid, but to face the scared and hurting me. And be there for me.
Feels strange, but exciting.
An old mentality showed up: “I’m helpless”. It’s wanting someone else to save me.
I just don’t feel powerless this morning. I feel powerful.
Very strange 
Nothing in my normal escapes is working today. I’m at work, and all my normal imagined charades aren’t working.