Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#284

Day 2
Rest day

I made a decision yesterday that wasn’t the best for me. I’m realizing why.

I listened to the new Emperor. I was trying to get busy, but what I was thinking was “I can avoid my fears”. I did 5 minutes, and all day I felt I’d muffled my emotions. It disconnected me from others too.

Being busy was easy. But I realized something.

I wasn’t in that Ascension-born independent mindset. I’ve been growing and appreciating the people around me, aiming and desiring to give back. I’ve wanted to be an equal among men, neither inferior nor superior.

And for this reason, Emperor isn’t for me right now. I need personal choice and ability to connect with people, as I’m seeing more and more how much of an empath I am. Big fears have blocked that for ages, but I enjoy giving to people. I noticed me listening yesterday to a sleep-deprived coworker, me valuing my ability to connect, relate, and empathize with him. Things like this keep my heart alive.

I did SE last night. Considering I’ll be with my ex and daughter on Thanksgiving, I’ll probably listen to SE that morning. Or maybe LBFH. I’m desiring to be open.

#285

I haven’t acknowledged Sanguine: The Elixir in recent posts. I’m noticing its value.

If there’s anything that trips me up while growing, it’s not feeling confident when in new and unfamiliar environments.

And the irony is that growing makes EVERY experience new and unfamiliar.

One of SE’s focuses is trusting one’s self with any new situation or decision. I’m off work today for a doctor’s appointment, and I’ve felt some insecurity and familiar fears.

It’s like I’m saying hello to a cashier this morning, and a clear part of me wants to not hide. I’ve lived behind facades all my life.

And here’s what I realized. I’m leaving old facades, and I immediately assumed I’d need another one. Because that’s how we do it? Right?

That’s my old thinking at work. And it’s not desired or comfortable.

Living free is my growth point now. SE seems to encourage this. Self-doubt has been normal for me, but SE is part of the solution. Leaving that comfort zone of fear is humongous to me.

A quieter point is it’s a great relaxer. Muscles are loosening up. I clench my jaw less. It actually reminds me it’s working continually.

#286

How about trying it for one cycle. Your initial results might have been manifestations of some internal work being done but the new Emperor goes through them fast and establishes you in your Zero Point firmly.

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#287

Regarding that,

I’m so used to relying on other’s affirmations. Could Emperor loose me from this?

I know it could.

I’m also used to fearing being alone in a struggle.

‐-- damn. These are my “easy” excuses.

#288

That’s the main goal of it. Becoming the master of your own reality. It does it quickly as it taps into everything in you that helps achieve that.

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#289

Day 3
SE this morning. Emperor tonight.

@Sub.Zero,

I listened to SE this morning, and I’m going to listen to New Emperor tonight.

Reason: Since I began thinking about it, I’ve been drawn to it. My biggest motivation is personal power, being in control of myself, and taking responsibility for …well, myself. As anyone familiar with the emotional recovery field knows, taking responsibility for oneself is tricky as hell. We’ll show up, perpetually blaming and berating ourselves for people mistreating us, and there’s a strong push to stop owning everyone else’s shit.

It’s addictive. Easy af. But growth grinds to a halt when I don’t own what “I” did. The system often enables and encourages this.

In sharp contrast, I find owning my shit very empowering. …Having balance is another issue :wink:

Also, I woke up desiring that sense of personal power. I’d have listened this morning if I hadn’t had that experience earlier this week. I don’t want to puke my garbage at my family today. SE is a good “calming” sub.

Manifestations from New Emperor:

I said yesterday I felt insecure when talking to a cashier. Stuff was still churning, so yes. I pulled away, but it stayed on my mind. I felt more confidence and, to a lesser degree, driven to pursue women. All this was in my mind.
I then had my doctor’s appointment. I felt like one nurse was reading some aura off me, as her words were aimed at getting my attention (and I’ve never met this woman). Then, the check-out clerk, a cute young blond, locked eyes with me a few times, and our 2 minute conversation was laced with tension. I didn’t expect this, but something inside me felt right about it. Like it was completely normal and natural to me. I wasn’t nervous. I desired this.

And though this is very unusual in my experience, it felt very natural. As if it were part of my being vs. it being “pushed” on me.

And I hear the replies saying ZP brings out your own desires. Yeah. My habit is berating or even shaming myself for having sexual impulses around women (often, since I’ve felt clueless and unconfident about pursuing). In contrast, yesterday’s experiences were quite beautiful. Even organic.

Money-wise, I’m steadily looking at business opportunities and doing something I’ve never done: I’m wondering “is this who I am?” I’m wondering about passive trading and a few online businesses, and I’m wondering if I’d enjoy this if I made enough to quit my day job. Would this fulfill me? And what are my strengths I bring to the table?

Powerful stuff. Moreso than even my own internal shit :+1:

Question: Maybe I should allow this to help steer my future subliminal commitments? How so? Probably just giving it time to do that very thing.

@James

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Season 2: NFTW (which one are you?) [11.11.23]
#290

I did 5 minutes of New Emperor ultrasonic about an hour ago. It’s much quieter than in previous days. I don’t feel pained and stressed at this moment like I did my last loop.

Something I did want to report here is…wow. I’ve felt sad maybe twice since then, but it quickly went away. I feel sad on subs when it’s pushing something out of my reach, and this case, it’s my normal mental escape into mental irresponsibility, aka immaturity.

I’d even had desires days ago to write Saint or Fire, asking them to add a sense of personal responsibility for our actions (into the new Regeneration). But what I’m sensing now is what I was seeking.

So, no need. Emperor fills the void.

Ok, @James and @Sub.Zero. You’re on to something here. I’m not in that same childhood default pattern. :relaxed:

2 Likes
#291

Day 6
Rest day
New Emperor yesterday morning.
Rebirth last night.

I feel like just exposing what I’m trying to hide from myself. I haven’t posted in days, as old motivations are changing. Some are very opposite of my norm, so I’ve kept quiet about it.

  1. I’ve felt stronger, like my frame is capable of handling people rejecting me. I’ve rarely felt like this, and it was so easy. That’s also why I’m sharing this. I was feeling old fears prior to writing, and I’ve allowed fear to keep me quiet many times. This is the biggest change in me as Emperor keeps digging in.

  2. This morning I left my room finally, as I have no desire to be around my housemate who treats me like trash. I realized while getting my coffee that I have no reason to talk to him. I usually am always planning on how to avoid subjects or circumstances that will invite his unsought criticism. Yes. Exactly. I avoid him nonstop.

What bothered me was a feeling that seemed narcissistic. I quickly realized “he’s got nothing I want”, so I left the room without speaking to him.
That’s what bothered me, as my normal motivation is “can I get some emotional acceptance from him?” And I felt stronger than normal, so I walked away. I wouldn’t seek water from a dry well. That action is very unusual for me. I felt strong, and I followed through.

  1. Women and my mentality around them. Yesterday I was on route for work, and I saw a few women around their homes. I smiled and gave them attention and a handwave. But something felt very new, and very natural.

I’ll interrupt myself to admit that I’ve been the beta guy, the passive, submissive, no backbone man around women. I always was quick to defer my wants for theirs–so I would avoid rejection. Part of why I’ve not dated in years. My known ways make me feel inferior as a male. And keeping those “secrets” keeps it alive.

But yesterday, I felt different when around women. Very different. I was looking, and my thinking stood out to me. I was seeing myself leading women with a seductive, entrancing frame and mindset. What stood out to me was I was in charge. They were following me. The difference between that and what I wrote in the previous paragraph are miles apart.

I was like “Holy shit! Really?!” It’s freedom to me. I’ve never thought like this. WOW!

  1. That’s also what prompted me to use Rebirth for 5 minutes last night. I was remembering how smooth it felt while in CFW, so I jumped. I felt it moving for a couple of hours, telling me some familiar hang-ups are still in place. I don’t associate Rebirth with being stressed, so it’s inviting me to keep using it.

This journey is awesome. What might I allow or initiate today?

3 Likes
#292

Day 7
New Emperor this morning
Rebirth 30 minutes later

I’m listening to Rebirth now. Old fears and hideout patterns are trying to re-emerge, and I wanted to hit it.

The thing about Rebirth is it separates you from your old realities and beliefs, allowing you to sculpt your own vision of yourself.

Hiding in fear has never had me feeling good about myself, so I blasted it. I’m feeling better now.

#293

Something I’ll throw into the ring is about yesterday. I spent most of yesterday (and Saturday after work) seeking out possible online side businesses.

I’ve shared before how I’ve done this in the past, how I’ve mostly just dreamed.

My whole motive and perspective is changing though. I’m serious.

Before, my motivation was acquiring people’s approval. That motivation sucks. Now, I’m thinking of something long-term and beneficial to others.

I believe Emperor is working on my maturity levels. It’s aiming me towards something I can be proud of. And that’s incredibly beautiful to me.

2 Likes
#294

I would try Emperor+WB for an extended period of time, mate. There’s no need to run any healing title as the process you’ll be going through will heal you. Those titles are going to brush away all you’ve been struggling with for ages through the sheer power of the experiences that await you thanks to those subs. Give it a try.

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#295

I’m considering your idea Voytek. Lots of good reasons.

One is the slight uncomfortableness I’ve felt in my head all day. I usually only listen to one sub in the morning, but I tagged Emperor with Rebirth, and I’m just not feeling motivated and encouraged.

Healing by experiences is something I’d like to see.

Thanks for sharing that possibility.

1 Like
#296

Many people mistake WB for a pick up or strictly seduction sub whilst its base is the transformative journey into the depths of your masculinity and sexuality it offers by the means of experiencing beautiful encounters with women. That’s why I asked Saint whether it was a healing sub once. Just take a look at all those aspects that are mentioned as healing ones explicitly and look for those that are there implicitly. I suppose that in the nearest future healing subs will serve only highly traumatized individuals or those who cannot do any significant progress without healing. Obviously, you’re not one of them, given the experiences you’ve been getting on Emperor.

You mentioned the need of healing and developing your sexual side and relationships not only with people in general but particularly women. WB will help you with all of that, even your relationships with men. I saw it myself when running the previous version of WB. I was able to charm and build healthy relationships with men as well, and women just wanted to talk to me and would approach me.

2 Likes
#297

I just purchased it and downloaded it. I’ll run it Wednesday.

I’ll share that self-doubt and beliefs that I was a failure have run my life. That’s what I need healing from. I purchased it, felt good, and began scrambling for some crack, something wrong that I missed.

I’m also feeling (and holding on to) a sense of security. Everything’s gonna be alright.

1 Like
#298

Day 8
Rest day

I thought I was feeling anxious this morning, when I’m actually in that angry, defensive stance since so much change is confronting me.

To give perspective, I’ve willfully hidden from change and assumed failure for decades. Hiding always seemed safer. My thinking was “if you don’t know me, I’m SAFE!”

But that old belief clashes with what’s happening in my heart. I started crying while writing this. Something’s changing.

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#299

I’m realizing I’m different in my mindset.

I’ve usually stayed mentally in a spot, even steering my words and actions to line up with what I’ve deemed as “safe”. But today and since running New Emperor, I don’t even want to go back to that.

I’ll admit the only struggle I’ve really faced lately is whether to go forward or not, in many different areas. Before, it was “not” a lot. I’ve faced things about every day, mostly when reflecting how I used to do things, and why.

4 Likes
#300

Day 9
WB this morning
New LBFH this afternoon

Wow. WB kicked in sooner than I expected it to this morning. I was at our early morning meeting, and I found myself being involved, watching one woman’s eyes, and noticing she started acting like she was aroused (trying to close her legs continuously–not her norm at all), and I realized WB may be hitting her. Along with this, I was completely confident in myself. I just felt good. I felt like this was normal for me.

I did notice that same woman appearing to dodge me later, as if I was triggering something in her. She is newly engaged though. It didn’t affect my mood or outlook. I felt good all day.

One thing I’m seeking to understand, as I’ve experienced some of this before with Stark. The last 2 times I ran Stark, I found myself imaging being on stage at a comedy club, and I was making funny stuff up as I went along. I know Stark has a “life of the party” vibe, and I was delivering. Of course, this was all imagined. But it came on in both runs.

And today with WB, I imagined me making up comical stuff here in the forum. I stayed with it, consistently imagining it. However, I noticed my comedy coming at other’s expense, and I imagined being told to chill. I found it a weird recon expression since anger, pain, and fear were starting to come out, all in my imagination, all “supposedly” funny.

That’s what I feel closer to discerning since I’m not sparring with healing messages. I’m feeling and seeing real-life connections, meaning why I protect myself by distancing myself from others. There are those feelings and beliefs in me seeking to come out, but no healing scripting is pouncing on them and altering them. I haven’t felt so clear-headed about my emotions…well, I don’t remember the last time I felt these without subliminal interference.

I began feeling down my last hour of work, so I listened to the new LBFH to pick me up when I got off. That comedic mentality was still in my head while shopping an hour later, and I enjoyed making a few people laugh (for stress-relief, it seemed). It felt really easy and very natural.

The last thing to accomplish was going to my bank’s drive-thru to pull some cash. The teller actually sent my card back to me (no money with it) and quickly came on the teller camera, visibly off a little, saying she forgot to put my cash in there. I instantly thought WB had hit her. She was sweet in her tone when she said her goodbyes, and that confirmed it to me. I’ve never had that happen while banking. :slightly_smiling_face:

I have noticed my charisma coming out all day. Gestures, non-chalant attitudes, all of it. I felt good about myself a lot today. WB did a lot in me today.

4 Likes
#301

Day 10
Rest day

How? How? ugghhh…

The NSE scripting is coming in, and it’s pushing me to confront reality. I’m in scenarios where blame and faultfinding…never worked. At all.

Ok, here’s what happened. I got off work, and I wished to stay in what I’ll call a “hideout mentality”. I imagined my housemate talking to me when I walked in, and he’ll keep on for 30 minutes with little encouragement from myself. I considered going to the library, and for less than 3 minutes, that was my plan.

…But then, something in me did not want to hide out from this problem. Like, in seconds, I did not want to retreat and avoid. I wanted to face it. So, I felt positive about this shift, so I headed home after picking up some toiletries.

And I see I did this now: I braced for this “battle”, all in my head. And…nothing, nothing I’d imagined came true. Again. I even bought him some pudding while at the dollar store since he’s one who feels lifted up and validated by receiving gifts. But no battle.

That prepping for war was all for nothing.

I imagined my housemate complaining about some stupid thing, and while driving home, I verbally shouted “NO!!! I WON’T BE TREATED LIKE THAT!!!” I got worked up, defending myself in my head.

Yeah, the NSE is quite simple. We just live with normal choices. Living in my head like I did coming home doesn’t work in REALITY.

I think I’ve lived in this imagined lifestyle since I controlled it. Predictability provided (some) peace. But really…I’ve just been battling ghosts in my mind.

2 Likes
#302

Day 11
WB this morning
Emp at lunch
3 more minutes of Emp an hour ago

A short while ago while home, I began seriously wondering why I was hiding behind masks even while home. I felt like I’m living behind some pre-cast imagery of myself, and I’m rarely being honest with myself.

I shared it with someone here, but I couldn’t remember what it was called which Saint had scripting added to Emperor 4 to challenge it. And I just remembered: Imposter syndrome.

And in all seriousness, I’d like more of this. I’d love this to shake me so I’m not battling fronts constantly.

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#303

Voytek shared what was happening. I’m still feeling it this morning.