Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#228

Day 4 of washout (cont.)

Ever been encouraged to do something, but doubted yourself heavily (even habitually)?

I’m going to spit this out. I was encouraged to “trust myself” twice today. Old patterns have had me relying on or even depending on others habitually. This is a direct challenge to what’s been normal for me.

And at work, I had a direct situation today which challenged me to trust myself. This is what put this on my mind before the encouragement by someone else later in the day.

I’ve been employed by my company for 5 years. When I was hired, I had forklift training and certification, which was good for 2 years. Despite this, I was always nervous (fearing failure), and it was obvious. That nervousness showed, and I wasn’t asked to jump on it regularly at all. I’ve dodged having to use it many, many times, sharing my quick response that my certification lapsed.

Well, I’ve been working our work yard these last few weeks. 2 different guys have been doing forklift work for me, and yeah, I saw myself acting powerless in it, at least mentally.

And today, one who’s been driving it for me had to leave the yard, and he asked me if I could run the forklift. I gave him my honest answer, yes, but I wasn’t certified. He quickly told me to go ahead and do it anyway. He believed in me.

And I did a good job. I remembered old experiences and feelings of times past…but it didn’t hang on me heavily. I was fine with it, even discovering solutions to get my specific job done. I surprised myself.

The truth is that I’ve used this “I can’t” response to so many challenges. Like I hid using it. I’ve used it…um…to keep me in some childish mentality.

The root of this is an unresolved trauma when I was younger. DR’s been changing things in me steadily, like for real. I’m wondering if…it’s actually been digging at this. Maybe it has.

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#229

Day 1 of Cycle 3
Ascension this morning, DR and AC an hour ago

Thought I’d stick with a 3rd round of DR St.1 since I’ve had fears of moving forward surface today.

And I know I’m having some normal recon: I’ve been at odds with staying in the same spot. The reason I resumed St.1 was curiosity: what might show itself now?

I think DR’s hitting in newer spots. While writing here, I felt old shame, something I’ve not felt in years. I’m up for this since shame keeps me hiding, keeps me lowkey unnecessarily, even painfully.

Let’s see where this goes…

I’m not sure where this fits, but I looked up Stark again just before writing here. My last cycle had me feeling very free, and I wanted to not lose that. Stark affects me greatly, where socializing is never a problem. Being free has been on my mind a lot lately. Not sure where Stark fits, but when I last used it, I was definitely not in my own way socially.

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#230

Day 2
Rest day

I woke up not wanting to face life again. Part of me still wants to not grow.

I also had some tears, and that is wonderful. The tears were me letting things go.

Change does happen. I’m wanting this.

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#231

Day 3

Switch today: Ascension this morning. Regeneration a few hours ago. 5 minutes each.

I slept right after listening, like it began immediately.

One major thing I’ll point out is I chose to not hide from finishing my laundry before chilling out–after Regeneration. I was very clear why: I’ve not liked myself when I’ve ran away. I finished it and am not worried now. Weeks back, I avoided folding it and let it stay in the basket for a week. Sabotage in action.

I’m going to drop now. I even wrote this after wanting to avoid avoid avoid the truth that I’ve not trusted myself to make this decision. Bullshit. I did it.

#232

Day 4
Rest day

I’m feeling good. Motivated. Even excited. I’m watching myself just following a feeling, but this feels good.

I’ve kept my mind and awareness open to changes happening, and what’s awesome is I’ve been seeking growth avenues lately. I’ve spoken of Stark, NR, and one I have history with is Genesis.

On Genesis, it allowed me to grow joyfully and thrillingly, I might add. I saw and began desiring some things which I’ve had major hindrances to. I’m speaking of relationships with women. Genesis’ adventure scripting woke me up bigtime. I even began running Primal, with thinking and confidence I’ve never known or experienced before. It was a very short run, and I have no regrets.

Why I’m excited is Regeneration seems to be a perfect match for moving forward AND addressing the emotional issues and holding points. I stopped Genesis mainly because I was hung up with my altered views of success I’ve held. A strong trauma actually pulled me back when I began my crypto trading platform again, as success, to me, reacquainted me with that pain quite regularly. I let it go again.

I’ve been held up in life for so long that failing, or pulling out, has been a damn standard. I’ve looped and looped that pattern again and again. Damn, I’m tired of this. It’s known, it’s familiar, and I’m willing to step into something which actually builds me up now.

On Regeneration’s sales page, it suggests pairing it up with something one has issues with. It suggests Sex Mastery if one has sexual issues. I’ll probably add Primal for myself. But adding it with Genesis since it promotes success thinking really excites me. I’ve had such a cap on my success levels. I am dead serious there. 2 different careers I’ve had (and presently have), and on both I’ve stopped before I could be successful financially. Also, my trading platform I’ll put in that sphere too since I own it but don’t use it. Same results. Same outcome. Same hindrances. It’s some trauma related issue linking to success. And my fears have held me back. Me fearing and remembering a trauma has kept me holding on to a belief that if I don’t move, or don’t succeed, I’ll be safe. I’m not looking forward to the pain of growth, but in a way I am. The wisdom scripting has already kicked in, and I know it’s needed. And what will life be like without such major barriers? I look forward to finding out.

I know this is quite contrary to my prior direction with DR, but upon feeling the same sticking points when I began cycle 3 of St.1, I grew impatient. I asked myself “what am I doing?! How long before this clears?” DR is a fantastic program. But I began using it mainly to clear these traumas. And upon hearing from support that Regeneration was the clearest route to clear these traumas, I’ve had it on my mind. I don’t want to keep repeating the same 'ol, same 'ol “I can’t change” mantra. Tools exist, and I’ve begun using Regeneration.

I’m excited about this awareness. I truly am. I’m opening up to the path I truly want, and I am allowing it.

#233
#234

I am experiencing some reconciliation.

I’ve felt this low-key sadness most of the day, and I’ve wanted to fan it out, make it show itself.

I just watched a Christmas romance movie. I cried twice. But I am really yearning to let it out.

Maybe 4 years back, I was using a sub here, and it triggered a hard crying spell. I remember sharing that I cried loudly, and I wondered if the family in the main house heard me.

And seconds ago, I felt a hidden shame. Wow.

Shame’s been the most obvious inhibitor of my expressions. It’ll kneecap a healthy emotional upchuck in a flash.

I hope I’m not repeatedly thrown off by this. Maybe that’s why I cried so loud then–I felt free enough to let it out.

Here was one song I remember crying to.

#235

I found the video in my Kahn journal, in 2019.

#236

I sat reading my Kahn journal for about an hour. I was seeking some emotional connections, but ended up staying.

I know I did this while on DR a month back. It just felt different reading it.

Still thinking about it.

#237

I’m missing my family. Brothers, daughter, even my ex-wife.

While reading my Kahn journal, I read something I posted, and I texted my ex to find out if it was true. She spit out the truth, and I am corrected.

She then let me know she’d be in town for Thanksgiving with her parents, and she invited me to join them. I said “Really? Thank you” She encouraged me with unexpected enthusiasm. I’m good with her, but if her husband is there, I dampen my desires since he’s the quiet jealous type. He shows his intentions, but he’s never challenged me verbally. I usually just read body language when he’s around.

But it made me feel included.

And as I was writing, I wondered if I felt good due to old victories I’ve had with her–or if I was standing independently from her, not allowing her to pull my triggers. Well, both really. I’m becoming more aware of that emotional independence being on Ascension, and that is a TRUE gift. And Regeneration assists that, thank God.

But I did earn her trust during our 3 year separation, and truthfully, it fed us both. I’d give, I’d give her rubdowns often, and I’d feel good around her. It was a nice cycle. I just can’t assume old ways with her. I gave her a backrub while her hubby was out a few years back while I was visiting, and I felt like I was keeping a loud “secret” suddenly; I know her signals when she’s aroused and feeling pleasure from rubbing her down, and I won’t seek that out.

Especially not in her parent’s house with both of them there. That’d be insanely stupid.

It was refreshing to hear from her though. I’ll just go with that.

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#238

I’m wrestling with some opposing wants. This is good, and it’s on my mind now.

Part of me desires safety and known outcomes. And strangely for me, it’s less than normal. That’s awesome.

And part of me likes expressing and feeling some inner freedom more, like tears almost came while writing that.

Fear, with lesser power, keeps trying to circle and create doubt and fear. It just doesn’t have as much influence as before.

Regeneration is beautiful in its execution. This quiet opposing of forces clearly says progress and change is happening, and rapidly at that. Nice!

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#239

Day 6
Rest day
Ascension and Regeneration yesterday

Regeneration is showing me some weaknesses, and writing this is even challenging me.

First, I lie to myself first, then anyone around me. I got home last night and never vocalized to my housemate that I needed downtime. Instead I acquiesced to him, encouraging and enabling his high energy sharing. This lasted an hour.

When I finally got alone, part of me asked “why do I lie?” It actually saddened me.

And connected to that is something closely related: holding my anger in. My anger grew once alone.

I think and feel the reason is fear. Fear tied to disapproval and disappointment of others. And wow, just realized–disapproval and disappointment of myself. I feared throwing myself under the bus. I always blamed myself to keep myself in line.

That’s why I separate myself from people at times. I know I’ll comply too easily.

This is a core belief: I take responsibility for other’s thoughts and feelings, mostly with intimidating and demanding individuals.

I was living this out. And I created it too. How do I outmaneuver a person who’s unaware of this?

“Stop” is one way.

I’ll think on this.

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#240

I realized just now that this is where the victim mentality came from.

Regeneration’s digging. I may be dealing with fallout now, but I sense it pointing at the root; where this actually started.

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#241

I’m at work, on lunch. I took a 10 minute nap, and dreamed something.

I heard something big land on the ground in the shop, and I imagined someone had fallen and taken a serious head injury.

So I called 911 immediately. They came.

But I felt guilty, like I was responsible for this. I didn’t know what for or why. I just felt responsible for this.

This is extremely symbolic of what I’ve felt most of my life. Regeneration’s at work

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#242

Day 7
Ascension this morning

Ascension must be kicking in. I’m tiring of writing to make people happy with me. I didn’t and wouldn’t write for that reason this morning.

Emotional independence. It’s beautiful to me.

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#243

Day 8
Rest day
Regeneration last night

I woke up this morning, noticing something missing.

Some fear, some really familiar thought pattern, is missing. I’m not even sure what’s gone.

I haven’t expected such change. I’ll admit losing familiar defenses has scared me greatly.

I’ve even started crying while writing this (while listening to love songs). I’m allowing this.

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#244

Day 9
Listening to LBFH now. Regeneration tonight

Fears of something big-time.

I have a doctor’s appointment today for work. I also made an appointment to take my test for my CDL permit. The test appointment is what I’m scared about. This is my core reason I’m on Regeneration right now. This absolutely scares the shit out of me.

Before I writing, I allowed my mind to go to where I’m afraid. Emotionally, I quickly went to a dark, confined place, filled with nothing but danger, fear, no movement, and no light. It was no hope alongside a painful belief that it was my fault. That I could…should fix it.

But I was a kid. Adults were supposed to care for me. What…what was going on? Mom?

This is where I picked up the belief that I was responsible for Mom. Every action was made to make her happy and proud of me. This was normal, I thought “she’ll love me if…”

And “if” never happened. I tried. I failed. As a highly empathic child, I owned her personal feelings of failure. And I had that as an identity badge. I just believed I would fail.

I’ve felt the same here on this forum. I’ve felt it in small recovery groups. I’ve felt it at work. And… anytime I’m around people. Instant thoughts emerge that “they don’t want to love me”. It keeps me from trying and engaging with people, where most people never know what really runs me.

Taking that test today absolutely puts that in my face. I’m not sure what I’ll do today.

I’ll give credit to Regeneration here. I’m actually giving thought to facing this without lies and bullshitting myself. That’s never happened before.

#245

I actually went for my test. There’s 2 parts: General Knowledge and the air brakes endorsement.

First test: I failed it, and then took it again: I passed.

Second test: I failed the first time, then retook it: Failed again.

I failed the air brakes test years back, but after retaking it, I’d passed it then. The first test, for me, was mostly common sense questions. The air brakes test, just like years ago, had specific questions about pressures and adjustments, which I was only guessing at.

Considering I failed due to not studying (that’s the truth), I’m grateful I went. Failing was my fear, yes, but failing myself was what shook me this morning. Me trying was me wanting to rewrite some internal standard.

I even took a bathroom break between tests, and tears started rolling down my face. I was soft throughout this undertaking. And one of the receptionists said a nice goodbye when I left, telling me people notice when you’re trying.

Maybe I’ve allowed this old belief to have its way. Growing takes some effort.

I’m going back to my doctor 3 weeks from now. I’ll reschedule my air brakes test for that day as well.

Edit: test rescheduled

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#246

I’ve been in fear of this pain within. I’ve tried watching a series, hoping to hide in some past successful escape. It was a farce.

I’m sad. As if huge restraints were removed. I don’t know how I should live.

I’m gonna nix that last line.

Living takes risk. It takes effort. I’ll get my heart broken once in a while. I’ll be corrected uncomfortably. But living defeated isn’t worth it. I’m just magnifying bad possibilities, nothing else.

I’m probably in recon.

#247

Day 10
Rest day

I’m looking forward to this. I’m going to use the same strategy I used with DR, listening MWF, then having Saturday and Sunday off. It allowed DR to dig in more on the weekends, and execution was desirable many, many times.

I don’t think I wrote about that freedom I’d feel on DR often enough. And when I think about it, I actually know why. It’s the same reason I’m on Regeneration now.

I’d feel really good, basking in the internal freedom I was feeling. Yet it felt fragile, breakable even. I wasn’t in emotional distress, but I felt connections to unhealed traumas which DR hadn’t touched. I knew these were my holdups, so I kept my mouth shut about them and wrote about how I sensed changes in other areas of my life. And I could always find some.

I kept my mouth shut about the unhealed traumas since I’d played the victim role well for many years, both here and for years before SC. It’s a little boy mindset which I’m not proud of. That’s why I jumped on Chosen For Within for a period, as it has a strong focus on eliminating the victim mindset. CFW really helped with giving me a mindset to take more responsibility in my life.

I left this post for 15 minutes and pulled up my last CFW thread. Similar to DR, it worked wonderfully on a host of side issues, but its primary focus is not trauma resolution. From experience, it’s focus is living in truth NOW. It was the real-life bullshit checker. CFW helped me clearly see needed changes in my life. And it felt possible, a beautiful plus in any endeavor.

I will add something beautiful I just experienced. I got up to make coffee after reading my CFW thread, and I felt free. I walked into the kitchen, and I slowly began ruminating on old judgements I’ve had towards my housemate.

And my mind suddenly jumped to feeling safe again, remembering how living alone I sometimes felt safe and secure in my own skin. I was in that reality for maybe 30 seconds. It was heavenly.

I believe this Regeneration objective came out:

“Develop deep meditative skills that “click on” in moments of emotional turmoil, allowing you to self-soothe and self-heal with ease”

It was awesome :ok_hand:

Main Disc. Thread - Regeneration ZP v2