Day 9
Listening to LBFH now. Regeneration tonight
Fears of something big-time.
I have a doctor’s appointment today for work. I also made an appointment to take my test for my CDL permit. The test appointment is what I’m scared about. This is my core reason I’m on Regeneration right now. This absolutely scares the shit out of me.
Before I writing, I allowed my mind to go to where I’m afraid. Emotionally, I quickly went to a dark, confined place, filled with nothing but danger, fear, no movement, and no light. It was no hope alongside a painful belief that it was my fault. That I could…should fix it.
But I was a kid. Adults were supposed to care for me. What…what was going on? Mom?
This is where I picked up the belief that I was responsible for Mom. Every action was made to make her happy and proud of me. This was normal, I thought “she’ll love me if…”
And “if” never happened. I tried. I failed. As a highly empathic child, I owned her personal feelings of failure. And I had that as an identity badge. I just believed I would fail.
I’ve felt the same here on this forum. I’ve felt it in small recovery groups. I’ve felt it at work. And… anytime I’m around people. Instant thoughts emerge that “they don’t want to love me”. It keeps me from trying and engaging with people, where most people never know what really runs me.
Taking that test today absolutely puts that in my face. I’m not sure what I’ll do today.
I’ll give credit to Regeneration here. I’m actually giving thought to facing this without lies and bullshitting myself. That’s never happened before.