Day 5
LBFH now, DR tonight
Afraid to speak. So used to holding the truth in.
Hiding has been an escape, a relief, and also a jail cell.
I sense some tears today. Words aren’t needed
When I was running DR, and when the title was called The Elixir, I would run The Elixir to get relief from any reconciliation that DR was giving. I’m guessing LBFH, LB, Sanguine, or Sanguine: The Elixir could be used in a similar way. Do you have any of those already?
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I have all of those.
I went to my downloads page the night I wrote that post, finding only SE. I then recalled the sales page saying it was replacing Elixir.
So, I reread SE’s sales page. It has elements of Sanguine, Elixir, and LBFH combined. Plus transmutation, something I highly valued while using Genesis.
But does it mix well with DR? Would it be too much?
I’m doing 5 minute loops right now. And I split up listening times so it reduces recon. I listened to 5 minutes of LBFH this morning, and I’m going to listen to 5 minutes of DR St.1 after writing this.
The result so far has been more integration of the script. More actual processing too.
I assumed it would be too much. And I’ve been focused on my own journey, so I’ve not been reading other’s journals much.
What’s the general consensus for mixing DR and SE?
Submit a support ticket, mate. There are only theories and the experts know best.
No thanks Voytek. I don’t like being dismissed like that.
I closed my last ticket myself after a week of not hearing back. I ended up blaming and punishing myself for hoping someone cared, and closing it stopped the self punishment. Unrealistic expectations hurt me. I won’t do that again.
And your efficient reply was taken the same way. Cold and dismissive.
I’m working through my pain of being rejected and ignored by those expected to love and guide me. That’s my stuff. I was triggered by your response, and that’s my responsibility. I tend to have unrealistic expectations of others, and DR is pointing that out.
I’m also thinking of @Fractal_Explorer’s reply that I’m asserting my boundaries, which is very new since DR is encouraging it.
To sum it up, this is only my second clash with others in my life since restarting DR. I avoid confrontations like the plague normally, and I still have one I need to do in real life. I’ve avoided it for months.
Too bad. I’ve asked about one product once and I got an excellent reply five days later:
As far as I know there’s no general consensus for mixing DR and SE. There’s only a speculation that it could be superfluous but I don’t buy it. I would go with the ticket, mate.
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Thanks Voytek. I definitely wasn’t expecting that response
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My anger and my “no” were essentially snuffed out at a young age. I feared the absolute worst in showing my anger here. Fears like social outcasting, retaliation, anything bad.
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For what it’s worth I’ve been running SE and I absolutely would not pair this with DR, but that’s just me. It’s pulling up a lot of stuff for me to work on along with my custom and WB.
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I think the only way to truly know is to try.
Of all these:
which one seems the most gentle or soothing to you? Perhaps start with that one to see how well it alleviates any recon.
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I did 3 minutes of Sanguine today, my rest day. No felt difference, but I’m realizing looking for distinct effects is counterproductive. But yesterday I did LBFH in the morning, and I had a clear manifestation within an hour. I wasn’t looking for it, but I really took it in when it happened.
I own a scooter and drove it into work yesterday in the early AM. I’ve looked on scooter forums, and I’ve found the issue of my low headlight brightness to be pretty common for my model, so I’ve not had an issue with it. I drive maybe 8 miles to work on straight roads, and the main highway is not well lit since no businesses are close.
I was driving, and I stay in the right lane so cars are free to pass me. I noticed something, and it touched me. A car had slowly passed me on the left, and he slowed down, which isn’t normal. He was ahead of me, but he kept up with me for a mile or two. I sensed he was allowing his car headlights to light the road in front of me. I sensed an intentional kindness from someone I’d never meet. I found it the most caring gesture.
That may or may not be associated with recon and healing, but I teared up while writing that. Love allows change to happen. I think…no, I know…that the old unloving messages I’ve lived by cause me the most pain and recon when I pursue healing. LBFH addresses those issues pretty directly for me, and I’ll keep it as my 3rd sub. DR, Ascension, and LBFH.
I’ll follow @Fractal_Explorer’s guidance about SE. I know the newer technology has a lot more power, and that was one of my main concerns about adding it. I had a similar experience with DR:LD, using it for a full loop months back before starting DR. That’s some strong recon, and I’m not looking for more. It deserves its own space and time, and I’ve been following @Michel’s experience with it. It’s very encouraging.
Day 6
Rest day
I’m gonna share something which I’m seeing more now. It’s sappy for me. But it’s good change.
I took a walk through my neighborhood about an hour ago. I’m noticing little changes popping up in my thinking–and this amazes me.
I walked the back route, not seeking attention, even wanting to hide. I noticed myself looking down when considering seeking a woman’s attention while she drove by. That’s a clear sign DR is working on me.
And then I saw in my mind a pattern I’ve followed. I’ll put on the smile and the bs front that I’m all good. I imagined me doing my norm of putting on the fake mask so you’d see that, and not me, the true me.
I then suddenly felt something more desirable. Without any internal battle at all, I allowed myself to be me. To be true. And to be honest with everyone, myself as well.
I love it when these new possibilities show up. Makes me tear up now. Good change is happening, even amidst the internal chaos. It’s truly a beautiful experience.
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Day 7
Rest day
Good morning. Thinking about something I’ve struggled with using SC subs, which is taking action. It’s been highly recommended, and I’ve felt like I was dodging and hiding from whatever action meant on healing titles.
I finally got it. Not comfortably, but I get it.
I’m starting to gradually live in reality. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life hiding out from people, situations, and even possible realities, and it only bred more fear and avoidance. DR has slowly exposed me to seeing what’s true in my life, and that has been an adjustment, meaning recon.
Taking action on DR means attempting to accept things which aren’t nice, which aren’t fully pleasant, and damn, some things which others follow which I don’t, like political or religious beliefs. They’re not true for me, but I also don’t need to hide myself in a bubble. I don’t need to check out.
To sum up my personal understandings, hiding out is becoming more uncomfortable for me. Accepting realities around me, and within me, is seeming more desirable.
This is happening for me, a step at a time.
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It’s definitely not easy. But once you start letting this stuff go you’ll see how much energy goes into maintaining that wall to keep those things out of conscious awareness. Once that energy frees up you can use it to take bigger action. This is really good progress.
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I’m seeing it this morning. A lot.
This is my 3rd time I’ve started replying.
Lots of processing happening.
I am in a really different spot. Very very different.
I’m used to hiding in my room on weekends since I don’t trust my housemate much at all.
And part of me, a more courageous and risk taking part, wants to actually explore.
He is even baking a chicken. He wanted to have a meal together today.
My norm has been safe. And my not-norm is inviting.
It makes no sense since safe is always structured. This isn’t. I’m gonna go explore
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I just had dinner with him. Peaceful.
But 30 minutes later I’m alone in my room. I’m writing since I just realized something. It made me cry.
Safe, to me, means I keep everyone away from my heart. Noone gets in.
I’ve been scared to open my heart, yet something which protects it is dropping away. My normal guards are weaker.
The reason I hang on to these guards is grief and tender vulnerability is right underneath. I used to feel this regularly in my 20’s. I’m not sure what’s happening.
Just writing this.
I have clean laundry in the dryer. I don’t want to fold it since… that’s closure. Part of me doesn’t want this.
I think I equate this external closure with appearances that I’m healed inside. And I’m not.
I really think I’m avoiding cleaning the outside stuff since the inside is in the norm of chaos.
And I feel the guardian wall falling too.
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Day 8
LBFH this morning
I’m so surprised that LBFH is working well.
My kidney was still hurting bad from a kidney stone yesterday, and I’m feeling stiff and locked up again this morning.
I’ve not felt worthy of caring for myself. Even with LBFH run lately, I’ve just not felt worthy of loving myself. There. I said it.
I’m receiving a strong herbal supplement today from Amazon, so this issue isn’t endless. I also realized I’m backed up. I haven’t gone in days. That compounds the kidney pain since if one system isn’t working right, it pushes more waste through the other pathways.
I mention this since I wasn’t going to call out. I’m actually considering it now.
I called out. With imaginary fears and self-doubts screaming at me