Building a solid Base

Journals - Major Programs
#61
  1. November
    Processing Day 7

Was at a local job convention.
The Convention itself wasn’t that good, but I’ve met the organizer. A job coach. He has a good track record for people with broken histories.
Like a guy who dropped out of three study courses (math, psychology and history). They found him a job in IT where he’s building educational software and earns pretty well.
I’ll call him this week, well meet and find out if he can help me, also how it can be arranged, that the jobcenter pays for his services.

#62
  1. November
    Cycle 3 Day 1 Listening Day 1
    15 Minutes SSX 15 Minutes Emperor

NFTW started today. G:Mogul sounds pretty amazing. Perhaps a better fit than NR to get started. Still considering. No more rushing into buying stuff and changing subs. NR sounds still plausible, but perhaps for a later point on my journey.

The last two days were emotionally intensive. I realized earlier that there’s a certain sadness I wasn’t able to name. Yesterday I understood, that there was anger underneath it. About the distance between my fiancee and me. And that I’m unable to change anything. I remebered poem of Saint John of the Cross, that describes my feelings pretty well. Just replace God with my fiancee.

Ecstasy of High Contemplation

I live, and yet not I,
In a manner hoping
That I am dying because I do not die.

I
I am not now living in myself,
And without God I cannot live;
For without Him, I am also without myself.
This life of mine, what is it?
A thousand deaths to me;
For I am waiting for my very life,
Dying because I do not die.

II
This life that I am living
Is a lifeless life.
And so a death continuing,
Until I come to live with Thee.
God, hear Thou my cry!
This life of mine I will it not;
I die because I do not die.

III
When I am away from Thee,
What is my life to me?
The agony of death.
None greater have I ever seen.
O, wretched that I am!
For while I am living on
I die because I do not die.

IV
The fish that from the water leaps
Is not without relief;
The death that it endures
Does end in death at last.
What death can ever equal
My misery of life?
For I, the more I live, the more I die.

V
When I see Thee in the Sacrament
And begin to be relieved,
The absence of fruition
Creates a deeper pang;
All brings greater pain,
And the pain is so bitter
That I am dying because I do not die.

VI
And if, O Lord, I have a joy
In the hope of seeing Thee;
My sorrow is increased,
Because I fear to lose Thee.
Living in dread so great
And hoping as I hope,
I die, because I do not die.

VII
From this death deliver me,
O God, and give me life,
Nor let these fetters hold me;
They are so strong:
Behold, I die to see Thee,
And in a manner hoping
That I am dying, because I do not die.

VIII
My death I will bewail then,
And lament my life
By reason of my sins
Still here prolonged.
my God, when shall I be there
Where I may truly say,
I live at last because I do not die?

Source: The book, The Living Flame of Love, in the Chapter on “Poems”, pp. 264-266, entitled “A Soul Longing for a Vision of God.” Translated by David Lewis, dated 1912. Free download from Archive.org.

#63
  1. November
    Cycle 3 Day 2 Rest Day 1

I have a serious communication problem. Not so much with actual communication, but with answering calls, messages etc. There seems to be fear behind it. Since I moved back to my family in spring I lost all contact to former close friends because of this.
Need to do something about it.

Wanted to start the application for the two jobs from the job Agency. Only to see, that the deadline was yesterday. It felt like a knockout. I see a chance for a job that’s really interesting and the moment I wanna take it, its gone.

#64
  1. November Tuesday
    Cycle 3 Day 3 Listening Day 2
    15 Minutes SSX

Totally forgot about listening to Emperor before it was to late.

Tackled my communications issue today. Interesting insights about getting hurt in the past. About my powerlessness.

My mentor offers a free live design week atm. Starting at 7pm until 10:30. I didn’t expect super new insights, but sometimes known information snaps into place when you develop so I’ll give it a go anyway. And he’s always including a powerful guided meditation based on neuroplastic association.

Got a new access to my anger. Gave me 30 minutes of just feeling it. Letting thoughts rise and fade away.

#65
  1. November Wednesday
    Cycle 3 Day 4 Rest Day 2

Wanted to call my father but still chickened out. It’s not actual fear. It’s this communication thing.

over the last couple of Days I realized, that the biggest reason for me not being able to move forward is that I don’t have a connection to my WHY on an emotional Level.
I know on a level of mind why I should change my life, but on an emotional Level I can’t get a hold if my reasons. Sometimes it feels like if The world would be going to explode and i could stop it by getting up and pushing a button, I couldn’t get myself to do it.
I need to change this asap if I want to see change. And I want to see change.

Found an interesting job on the jobcenter homepage. Nothing special, but part time and close by. Gonna call tomorrow.

#66
  1. November Thursday
    Cycle 3 Day 5 Listening Day 3
    15 Minutes SSX 15 minutes New Emperor

Woke up and found Emperor got the upgrade. Super hyped.

Wanted to call for the job I found on the job-center page yesterday. Reread the page and realized it was the same job offered on the other platforms as well and pulled everywhere but from this platform. Destroyed my motivation.

Wasted a lot of time today. Again.

Tackled my Why topic. Came back to my worst moment right after my Burnout. Realized that my why, my motivation led to this moment of being closest to death I’ve ever been. So I decided never to feel this drive again and keep save from these kind of consequences.

I think it’s pretty probable that Emperor or NR is behind this revelation.

I don’t know how hard it will become to resolve this issue, but I don’t actual fuc*ing care, because I will resolve it anyhow.

#67
  1. November Friday
    Cycle 3 Day 6 Listening Day 4
    15 Minutes Genesis:Mogul

Woke up and was convinced it’s listening day today. So I got myself Genesis: Mogul and gave it a go.

No obvious recon. But I will reread the official page on recon. In recent days I thought about reducing listening times and that my procrastination might be recon. Don’t know yet so I’ll do some research.

Edit 1: Despite everything, I’m really in a positive mood regarding finding a job. Don’t know why, could be G:Mogul.

#68

It could be a sign of the recon

1 Like
#69

@RVconsultant @DarkPhilosopher

Could you rename my Journal to

Building a solid Base: Emperor & Genesis: Mogul

#70
#71

This was one of my major discoveries of the last week.

Today we went into a deep dive into my subconsciousness to the realm of my “why”.
It looked like LA is Bladerunner.
All dark und threatening.
I’ve met Roy. He asked me, if I really want my passion back. Passion can destroy me, just like it did him. And this whole dystopian nightmare.
He gave me the task to watch Bladerunner again. So I did. Made me realize, again, how a passion can fuel you, even in a world without hope.
I want my passion back. Desperately.

1 Like
#72
  1. November
    Listening Day 5

15 Minutes GM 15 Minutes New Emperor

  1. November
    Listening Day 6

6 Minutes GM 3 Minutes SSX

#73

@RVconsultant could you contact me via pm?
I’d like to ask you about some memes I’d like to post, if they’re OK, or if i should rather not post them. I got cautious after a funny post got removed because it hit someone on the wrong foot.

#74

It’s not about hitting someone on the wrong foot, or “people having different perspectives”, or things being evaluated on a case-by-case basis, or “it’s all a matter of interpretation”, or offending someone, or a post being funny.

It’s about each person learning and applying our Campfire Policy to be responsible for their own posts.

Just read our Campfire Policy, look at the meme, weigh it in the perspective of the Campfire Policy, and then take responsibility for your actions.

#75
  1. November

A lot has happened in this past week.
The biggest thing probably was that I noticed, that the one big thing, missing in my life is passion. I felt (feel?) like couldn’t motivate myself to bring the winning ticket to the lottery to get my millions.

After some inner research, I realized, that it’s a gigantic fear of death. Specifically a fear of burning out again and falling back into my depression. Probably the worst experience in my 33 years.

I asked in here for subs to conquer this, but the help was not sufficient. So I decided to work with all the tools I collected on my journey. My first step was into my inner realm of the “WHY?”, my motivation. It was the dark L.A. from the film Blade Runner with Harrison Ford. There I meat the guardian of my why. It was Roy. The one that sacrificed everything for his why. He made me realize that there is this fear of falling back into burnout and depression. The fear was on a clear 10/10. He told me to come back once I’ve got rid of that fear.

Over the last 3 days I used a pain cloud meditation to reduce this fear, step by step down to 0. When I reentered the realm of my why today, it looked totally different. I was a gigantic amusement park. Roy was still there, but this time sitting in a slow cup-themed carousel. He gave me a few tasks, like calling possible employers and my coaches to settle things and then I’m good. Now I’m really excited for the coming days.

Besides that, today was a rather interesting day. I listened to GM and NewEmp. Whenever I was sitting around, wasting my time, it felt uneasy. I felt driven to do something, to accomplish something. I considered playing video games, but was unable to. Same with watching tv.

I also noticed, that I’m not that emotionally bound to my fiancees depression. I’m not suffering with her as much as I did before. Could be resilience from New Emperor.

I’m gonna add a few posts I made in other threads that complement my journal.

#76
#77
#78
#79

  1. November
    Listening Day 7
    5 Minutes New Emperor 5 Minutes GM

  2. November
    Listening Day 8
    8 Minutes GM 15 Minutes SSX

  3. November
    Listening Day 9
    15 Minutes GM 15 Minutes New Emperor

I adjusted listening times according to my feeling. When I felt it was enough, I stopped the track.

Another interesting thing I noticed, is that the horniness is back. I’m not watching porn. absolutely no interest. And even if there was any, knowing what it would do to my fiancee would quench any temptation immediately. Although I watch our own stuff rather often.

I started this training again, where you’re edging and then pull the energy right from your D, up into your crown. I’m not reaching the crown yet, but at least the navel. Also no release.

This training made me also realize, that I really want to start KB rather soon. On the one hand, to heal the remaining sexual trauma so I can focus my energy on productivity, but also to get these abundant energy and aura I need to build my business.

I’ve worked my way through the KB thread. Atm I have about 840 messages left, When I’m done reading, I’m gonna start my journey through the crucible.

Edit
My listening days were 23th, 25th and 27th
Somehow the forum puts it in list mode although it’s correct in edit mode.

Was super tired today. Went to bed at 11, slept 8:40 h straight and hit snooze 4 times.

Also I’m rather irritated today.

#80
  1. November
    Processing Day

I realized today, that I watch our own videos for similar reasons I watched porn: to avoid taking action. Without ejaculation its not as much about the dopamine hit as in the past, but I think it works similarly.
So I decided to get over this asap. Tomorrow I’ll have a session with my fiancee to look at the issue.

I had some plans to fulfill all the tasks today, but again, procrastination hit me. When I finally wanted to call potential employers I felt my blood pressure going through the roof. Another pain cloud later and it was all gone.
I don’t know this concept from the pua scene, but when guys are afraid to ask attractive women for their number, you can turn it into a game to collect as many rejections as possible so the guy learns that rejections aren’t that bad after all.
So I decided to adapt this trick and call a company first, that I know of, that they aren’t hiring atm. The guy on the phone was so bored that even I fell almost asleep. He just told me, that all open positions are on their website. It was actually a rather good feeling.
To experience that rejection is nothing.

On the other hand I noticed today, that I feel a pleasant anticipation to finally work a regular job, even if its just a desk job at a scrapyard.

I’m gonna start listing to-dos again. Not that its a serious commitment just because I post it in here, but also for me to record my progress.

Tasks for tomorrow
  • Calling my coaches
  • Calling the company about my minijob
  • Calling the job coach I meat
  • Calling a couple of companies for a interview

Also, I decided to go to bed earlier. I’m aiming for 10:30pm. That way I can get up earlier and hopefully be more productive. Also my fiancee said she can’t apply for certain jobs because she doesn’t believe were able to sleep early. So two birds with one stone.