Building a solid Base

Journals - Major Programs
#41
  1. October
    Weight: 114,9

Day went by super fast. One of my chickens is dying. I know it’s the circle of live, but it’s saddening anyways. Interesting Lesson though: When we got the new chickens 2 months ago, it was the boss chicken, on top of the pecking order, always the first to eat, pecking other chickens, especially the new ones. Now that it’s dying it looks pretty plucked, getting pecked by all the other chickens.

I did a lot for my mom today. I put up a few pictures, did a few hours of gardening and I cooked dinner. Didn’t get much done on my side. But my mother is very thin-skinned atm. I try my best as a son for her, while giving my best as a fiance.
Right now, i feel like I’m falling by the wayside. But I also feel the necessity to do what I do.
Did some inner work with the fiancee as well. But I just spent 1h at my desk, working on MY tasks, and that’s mostly writing in here. What is good for my growth. But taking action, besides journaling and learning would be superimportant.
I’m just confused about what to do.

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#42
  1. October

I’m becoming lax with journaling. And weighing.

Listened to Emperor and NRich yesterday and three days before. Started my offline-journaling for good. 10 pages now. 4 Since yesterday. While listening to emperor, I read the sales copy and wrote down what I want to achieve with the sub. It’s more or less a commented copy of the sales copy in my own words. I also started to make more deep thoughts about what I really want in live. I mean, its so basic. How shall my life reach certain goals, if I didn’t set up some proper ones? It can’t. So I’m starting with developing goals for my life. I have a goal masterclass from a pretty good coach. Started it 20 months ago, but I was much to unstable as a person to profit from it. Now, many things have changed. I will use it in the near future, to set up what I want to achieve and also find a proper breakdown which steps to take first, which stages to reach when, what I have to do, etc. I feel the emperor working. Might also be NRICH. I’m not used to it yet, or used to the sales copy enough to differentiate the effects. But it feels good.

The last couple of days, I had some minor incidents concerning my porn addiction. First an very erotic dream about a porn game I played. Woke up pretty afterwards. And today I was shown some porn comics available on amazon. Couldn’t believe they have porn on amazon, so curiosity got the better part of me and I googled to find a pdf of said comic. And it was porn. Slightly tempting but not really strong. Another Incident was me remembering a film I watched 18 years ago. Googled it, found only a Russian version on YT. Finally looked up the sex scenes of the actress and found the scene. Was pretty disappointing.
The interesting thing is, that the biggest part of this temptation was just a mix of curiosity and interest. Not horniness. Talked about it with my fiancee. Worked with my subconscious. Was a pretty interesting process. First traveled in my root chakra. All dark and swampy. Cleared it out. Healed all the cracks and filled it with red energy. In the command center there was still a lot of pornography present. Most already prepared for destruction, but still in a box, some old magazines locked away in drawers. Burnt everything. Cleaned up, even rearranged a mosaic from pornographic to deep romantic. Set up the system anew, what will need another 4 days, fired the commander in charge and asked for a new one. Impressive guy. Good looking, strong, charismatic, aura of power and respect. Only later I realized that that’s my inner emperor. He said he will need another fortnight to set everything up and get the system running. When I asked what will take so long, he said he has to rewire everything so I can use my sexual energy from my root chakra. I’m so excited. 4 days until the system is set up, 10 days more and I can use my sexual energy.
We used the same process about a year ago to reconnect me with my feelings, because I always felt calm even every other person would have felt anger, irritation, anxiety or whatever. It said it would need 4 weeks to reboot my feelings. And exactly after 4 weeks, I suddenly started crying, because I felt what was going on inside. SO if this process is as deep as the previous one, its gonna be huge.

#43
  1. October
    Weight: 115,1 kg

Cycle 2 Day 10 Listening day 5
LBfH 15min

Today was interesting.
Had a call with my job center. No specifics yet, but I made clear what I’m looking for, what I hope to get and so on. Now I’ll get an appointment in the local jobcenter asap, what will be another 2 weeks, but it’s finaly in the works and that’s what is important.

I spent quite some time reflecting on what I want to acchive using NRICH.

And in the evening I had a coaching session with my mother. She realized that she’s doing to much and that she feels driven and wants to change that. It’s so hard to coach someone from family. But after some time nagging, annyoing and teasing her she finaly broke and it spurted out and she cried “I’m always the ass (gofer)”. That was the moment, I knew I had her. From that moment onwards it was cakewalk. But since she’s been gofering all evening, avoiding our appointment she was tired and we postponed on tomorrow afternoon.

I’m pretty happy with that outcome, since it’s the core of her problem and she is finanlly willing to work on it.

#44
  1. October
    Weight: 115,1kg

Cycle 2 Day 11 Rest day 6
No Subs today

Great News. Got invited for a interview for the job in production I applied for.
Worked with my fiancee on her trust-issues topic and with my mother on her I’m always the gofer topic. Good results.

Today I realized how much already changed since I started my SC journey. I applied for two jobs, got invited for interviews for both jobs, got an appointment for a job counceling. And thats just on the job front.
I started journaling about what I want to achieve with my business. What I need to do, planning stages I have to reach, researching what skills I need to acquire etc. Still no real action, but a lot of background work.
I’m working on my relationship with my fiancee and with my mother, helping them both with their challenges, introducig them to subs.
My fiance has gained one new assignment and one potential client as well as a job interview.

It’s not so obvious in everyday life, but just looking 2 months back, I see a great change for the better.

#45
  1. October
    Weight: 115,1 kg

Cycle 2 Day 12 Listening Day 6
15 min Emperor 15 min NR

Listened to the subs only 2h before sleep. Didn’t go to well.

#46
  1. October
    Weight: 115,1 kg

Cycle 2 Day 13 Rest Day 7
No Subs today

Slept shitty. Bad weather. Headache all day long. Because of the bad sleep? Recon? Also a lot pf procrastination.

Got the date of training for my new minijob. Its right his monday. Excited.

#47
  1. October
    Weight: 115,1 kg

Cycle 2 Day 14 Listening Day 7
15 min Emperor 15 min NR 30 Sek SE 3:40

Headache again. Procrastinated again. Not as much as yesterday, but still. It’s gaming. Dishonored 2. It’s surfacing again like an old addiction.
On the brigth side, I use quicksave quite a lot. But quick load isn’t that quick and needs at least about a minute. I started reading a business book. Interesting read.

My fiancee had a zoom call about a job proposition. Very interesting. He was fascinated with her writing style. Could be a long term assignment.
Most fascinating part though was, that we he got to know that I’m establishing myself as a Coach, he was interested in getting to know me. Perhaps he has a position for me as well.

After this call, I had the realization that not only for me things are changing with SC. Also for my fiancee. After not gaining one client for months, she got one onetime assingment, one interview and this jobproposition in the last two weeks. And with her depression she doens’t listen to regularly to UWX.

Btw, her depression seems to have improved a lot as well. She’s by far more positive. The job deveopments might have helped as well as SE.

Now that my fiance is into building her business again, I start to realize, that I need to up my game tremendously. No more procrastinating.

Listened to the subs only 2h before sleep again. Let’s see how it goes.

#48

Cut on loops, less minutes. Headache and procrastination are clear signs of having a recon. Also bad sleep.

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#49
  1. October
    Weight: 115,4 kg

Cycle 2 Day 15 Resting Day 8

Slept pretty well.
I need to start writing my journal on a daily basis. Once a week isn’t enough to remember everything. I remember the weight, but not much more.

#50
  1. October
    Weight: 115,4 kg

Cycle 2 Day 16 Listening Day 8
15 min LBfH

Had my training for the minijob. Went pretty well. It was interesting and the tasks are not that hard. Only downside, I’m not sure how to manage the finances. Either it’s a minijob with just 520€/ month, or I need to register a business, but that would mean, I need to pay 19% income tax. Than it would be below minimum wage…

I commented today on a thread about our homelands. Comment got later edited by @RVconsultant. Still asking myself if it got me a flag, or if he is just regulating discussion. I didn’t mean to break forum rules and didn’t find my post offensive, but perception is individual, so…

#51
  1. October
    Weight: 115,4 kg

Cycle 2 Day 17 Listening Day 9
15 min Emperor 15 min NR 30 Sek SE 3:40

Day started great. Then I had the interview for the production job. First they called 18 prior to the time they told me, than they said, of the 10 part time jobs they have listed on their website, none is available. F**kers.
I was really in a bad mood and was really pissed.
On the positive side, I got a lingam massage to get into a better mood.

LAter that evening, my fiance came into the living room like a raging storm (at least that’s how I remember/ experienced it, according to her memory, she was very calm). She was asking me, why I had a foto of a formerly very close female friend on my phone.
Background: I used to have tons of fotos of female friends on my phone for PMO sessions in the past. Also of that friend as well .That’s in the past though.
But to me it felt like I was caught red handed, even if was innocent because I had this picture on my phone because its a remembrance of one of my best phase in life. I felt like I shattered her trust again, this time not by doing anything bad (keeping stuff secret/ relapsing). And I was really scared. I build the trust slowly back to 70% and now I feared it was down to 0 again.

To put it in a nutshell, this whole ordeal was solved in a matter of hours, and I was able to make her understand, that, yes, in the past I used to PMO to fotos of female friends, but still, since I was a niceguy, trapped in his female energy, I only had female friends, and despite the masturbation, I loved them on a platonic level and have very fond amicable feelings for some of them still.

We planned to go to the cinema (Detective Conan - the black Iron submarine), but thanks to circumstances, we didn’t go, and still couldn’t find a cinema in our area that runs it.

#52
  1. November
    Weight: 115,4 kg

Cycle 2 Day 18 Resting Day 10

Slept like shit again. Because of the confrontation.
Yesterday made me realize, that this feeling of being caught red handed is a feeling that I know for decades. So we started to track this feeling back and delete this experience from my reality. But my system said nope, not today.

We had another good conversation about our “krisis”. I was able to make her understand my point and that it’s not about erotic, attraction or anything like that. She also acknowledged that it’s still part of her trust issues.

Considerung buying SSX. Not especially because of the main objectives, but rather because of NRE. I could need it atm.

#53
  1. November
    Weight: 114,8 kg

Cycle 2 Day 19 Listening Day 10
15 min Emperor 15 min NR 30 Sek SE 0:30 SSX 15 min

Day was rather uneventful.
I paid all my open bills just after I got them. That’s pretty new to me. Usually I kept pushing it in the future, irrespective of my bank accout.

In the evening I finaly decided to buy SSX (I knew I had the money). And gave it a go. My fiancee walked in on me listening to the subs and I explained what I bought.
Afterwards I had another really spectacular converstation with my fiancee. It felt like I was able to bridge the gap.

#54
  1. November
    Weight: 114,8 kg

Cycle 2 Day 20 Listening Day 11
SSX 15 min

I’m leaving official listening recommendation territory. Listening to SSX again. Effects were to good to wait.
My fiancee even asked if we could listen to it together. So we did. Some pretty good converstations as well. It feels like the trust isn’t damaged at all.

#55
  1. November
    Weight: 114,8 kg

Cycle 2 Day 21 Listening Day 12
SSX 15 min

I finaly dared to ask where her trust-inme-level is atm. She said aroung 75%. Thats higher than before our mini krisis. I’m really super happy, that this whole thing just vanished.

Listened to SSX again, a full loop. No recon so far.
Tomorrow my 5 days of processing will start and I’m curious what blooms I will see.

#56
  1. November
    Weight: 115,1

Cycle 2 Processing day 1

Went to church. Suddenly I got serious toothache. Not one specific tooth, but rather all of them together. Lasted for a couple of minutes and suddenly I felt cold. Like freezing to death cold. My teeth were chattering. Spent a lot of time in bed today to keep myself warm.
In the afternoon it vanished as suddenly as it appeared earlier and I took a longer walk in the cold rain. I was soaked, but I felt only slightly cold.
Can this be recon to? I know illnesses accompany many forms of mental healing, but I didn’t notice it being mentioned often here in the forum.

Another interesting phenomenon I noticed is, that since I started SSX, I’m much hornier than before. I even looked at a couple of videos from my fiancee for a few minutes on here occasions. Didn’t fap, but man, this horniness was almost forgotten. Yet, no desire to watch porn or play porn games. I only desire the woman at my side. I also realized, that I don’t want to attach myself to the energetic bodies of some random pornstares and all the trauma they have stored up.

Tomorrow I’m gonna call the company I had the training with, to get my first assignments.
Also Tomorrow is the day, when my root chakra reboot is scheduled to be done. About that I’m really excited.

#57
  1. November

Processing day 3

The lust is down seriously. After watching our own private videos for a few days, today I was tempted to do it again, asked myself if I really want to and came to the conclusion “No, I don’t feel the need to”.

#58
  1. November

Processing day 4

Today I noticed the first time before procrastinating this inner calmness, enabling me to ask the question “Do I really want to do this? Or should I follow Luther’s advice and go into introspection mode and see what is bugging me instead of gaming?”
I chose gaming nevertheless. But it’s a first space of consciousness in my usual stimulus-reaction-patter.

#59
  1. November
    Processing Day 5

Realization 1
Hornyness died totally during the Processing days. Seems to be the effect of SSX.

Realization 2
Next week, mentor starts a free life-design-week.
7 Evenings on 7 different areas of life. Probably dozens of insights.
Wasn’t sure if I should participate since I already know what he’s gonna talk about. But still, I know there will be at least a few hidden gems each night so I’m definitely gonna participate.

Realization 3
About a year ago, I started a Goal-Masterclas but I wasn’t ready yet. Far to much inner turmoil. I’ve cleared a great deal of that, so I’m gonna restart this Masterclass asap to get my goals straight so I can start changing my life for the better.

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#60
  1. November
    Processing Day 6

Forgot Subs today…

Had a appointment with the jobagency. They had some real good input on my application and two very interesting open jobs I’m gonna apply for.

Tomorrow there’s a job Bazar. Gonna visit it with the fiancee.

Today I was feeling sad. Don’t know why though.

Worked with my fiancee on her trust issues. She was kinda unwilling but decided to do it for me. The process was hard but we did it and came to a good end.

Still unsure if I should wait with subs for Sunday when NFTW started or if I should listen tomorrow…