- November
Listening Day 10
15Minutes GM 5+15 Minutes New Emperor
I got interrupted and decided to start over instead of going with s short loop.
Since I didn’t experience obvious recon in the past, I simply hope, that I’m good. Or I’ll finally have a case of recon.
I just came to the realization that while subs do their job, at the end of the day there is so much we need to reflect on for ourselves, if the sub is to truly effect change.
Taking action sometimes means sitting down and looking at what’s happening inside and not always just doing, doing, doing.
I know that’s actually basic, but knowing something and really understanding something from the inside is like night and day.
I was just sitting at my desk wanting to call potential employers, but nothing. Distraction and rigidity.
Then I took my journal and reflected on what was holding me back. The result was ridiculously mundane, but profound at the same time.
This was a step for me to work more effectively with subs. Instead of just listening to them like swallowing a magic capsule and then hoping that everything will happen on its own.
I hope I can take this step now on a daily basis, or at least, whenever I feel a blockage
Btw, we managed to get to sleep around 10:30 pm. And my fiancee slept better than in weeks. If I had known, that its so easy, I would have gone to bed earlier earlier.
After realizing my fears, I did another paincloud and felt immediately better.
I called for my minijob at first but didn’t get my contact person. After a few calls I found out that she called in sick today.
So I called the scrapyard. It was a rather pleasant call, even when the MFiC wasn’t available. So I’ll call tomorrow. The Jobs still available.
I started writing an email to my coaches. So much happened and I feel like I can’t put all in a conversation, so I’m writing it down and when I think it’s good, I’ll send it tomorrow.
I forgot to call the job-coach. Will do tomorrow as well.
Tasks for tomorrow
- Finishing the mail to my coaches
- Calling the scrapyard
- Calling the company about my mini job again
- Changing my tires
- grocery shopping with my mom
- applying for my grandmother to be upgraded in care
- visiting the health insurance for that
- Going to bed early
We didn’t make it, but it was much better today.
Just as I wrote this, she came in. So we had a longer conversation about everything relevant that came to mind and finished things off with a blind short therapy style hypnosis.
For the tasks tomorrow, which one is the one which brings you the most forward to the future you desire?
Finish that task first.
That would be the scrapyard. Possibly. If I get the job. If not, the upgrade of my grandmother would mean another 240€/month for sure. If I’m not contacting my coaches, it could mean serious financial trouble, so its important and urgent.
Leaves the order at this:
- Grocery shopping with my mom
- Calling the scrapyard
- Calling the company about my mini job again
- Finishing the mail to my coaches
- applying for my grandmother to be upgraded in care with health insurance for that
- Changing my tires
- Going to bed early
If you have a real-life or a fictional character that you look up to as a role model, you can ask yourself “what would that person do if he/she was in my situation and going after my goals” or “which priorities would that person focus on” or “which questions would that person ask”.
(I like that exercise)
- November
Processing Day
Went to bed early yesterday. Needed about an hour to fall asleep. Woke an hour later and thought its already time to get up. The whole night was kinda shitty. Might be overexposure since I listened to technically three subs yesterday. But it didn’t interfere with my sleep when I listened to an additional loop of LBfH when the new version came out, on top of my Emp+GM stack… might as well be that I didn’t have sage tea before I went to bed. Or something other altogether. My fiancee slept just as shitty.
I just called the scrapyard and tomorrow I’ll have my very first interview. Super excited.
Also, the company with the 2-6pm production job sent a mail, if I’m still available. I’ve seen that the job is open again, so I have 2 possibilities right now.
During the last two weeks, it became clear to me, that I want to run KB next.
The remaining struggle with my sexual impulses and stuff is one part. But also to be able to use this huge energy inside of me to build my solid base seems very appealing.
And when I did the math yesterday, it all fits that I have the twelve days after my last ssx session end together with my 5 processing days.
If I have the finances, I’ll be running KB soon.
4/7 done
Didn’t finish the mail (yet), but plan on doing so after writing my journal.
Changing tires wasn’t possible. I needed to much time for the other tasks and the day was over before I knew it. But it’s N° 1 priority for tomorrow since I need my car to get to the Interview. Distraction today was low. Of course there was some, But I used my time much more efficiently than in the last weeks.
Result of me calling about my minijob were first many excuses, but also the promise, that they will prepare some shifts for me tomorrow.
Bonus today wasn’t only that I’ll get more money for this year, but that I can apply for the last three years as well. If everything works out, that could mean 5k. And that’s a huge chunk for us.
I’ve studied theology and some psychology. I’m a certified life-coach and have some knowledge about the inner dynamics of relationships. Sometimes I think I get it.
And then I realize I don’t understand my fiancee at all.
After dinner I went to church choir. Suddenly I get a message from her. My search history from my phone. Full of porn. Only, I know I’m clean as can be for almost three months now straight. Then I realize its from my old phone, which I recently started using again to get some old pics and vids. The her message came “When did you do these searches?” And in my head her voice was full of hurt and aggression. I explained that it hat to be long in the past. and she answered “The last time I checked your phone, it wasn’t in your search history”. I just told her, that I didn’t relapse in the last three months.
When I came home, we had a longer conversation. She was rather calm. And I realized, that my head read it out loud in a completely other tone than she had meant.
Conversation made a few unexpected turns. Finaly she revelaed, that one of my comments did hurt her pretty much. Because I didn’t get the underlying message of her comment but only what the words said.
Then I postponed our discussion. I still had a lot to do: writing my journal, writing my coach. And foremost, getting a clear head.
She seemed a bit hurt when I left. But I need to set my boundaries, even for my depressed fiancee.
I was gone an hour and suddenly she sent me a video of us dancing. From easier times. Times without so much worries, Times we both miss.
And then she sent me a song. Title was “Saying yes”. And I didn’t know what it was about. Part of me suspected, it’s a song about someone always forced to say yes all the time. I didn’t wanna listen to this.
But then I thought, just listen to it. Then I realized: I don’t understand Women at all. Not even my fiancee.
Here are the lyrics. enjoy
I would say yes
Would you ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
Thought I knew what love was
A few endorphins, a little “I love you” here and there
But since I’ve known you, I know I’ve never really been in love
I thought: “They’re all exaggerating
This feeling, no, it never lasts”
But since I’ve known you, I know I’ve never really been in love
Where have you been my whole life?
Could lie with you forever, babe, I won’t lie
I would say yes
If you’d ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
I never wanted this, but suddenly I want it forever
Your ring on my finger forever
I’d say yes
I would say yes
Somehow you fixed me
I realize I like myself more with you
I’ll be honest, I’ve never been more me than next to you
Because you don’t want to change me
And that has changed me
I’m honest, I’ve never been as safe as I am with you
Where have you been all my life?
I want to stay with you forever, I swear that would be enough for me
I would say yes
If you’d ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
I never wanted this, but suddenly I want it forever
Your ring on my finger forever
I’d say yes
I would say yes
- Dezember - Friday
Listening Day 11
15 minutes GM 15 Minutes NewEmperor 7 minutes AC
Didn’t finish the eMail last night. I was just to mixed up emotionally.
Also went to bed pretty late. Slept kinda shitty again.
Changed my tires. Took me super long thanks to two little accidents. But did it in a calm manner despite the challenges.
After a quick shower, I wrote the application letter for the scrapyard.
The Interview went pretty well. The boss is way younger than me, but I think I made a good impression. On Monday I begin on a trial basis.
I’m like super excited. My first job ever. When I was back in my car, I had tears in my eyes.
- December - Tuesday
Processing Day 4
Didn’t get a message from the scrapyard yesterday as promised so I decided to call today.
I procrastinated on this because a part of me feared the possibility of rejection.
The fear was a 10/10.
I made myself repeat the realization from last week: If I get rejected, it doesn’t matter if I call or not. The only difference is that I know his answer and can plan accordingly.
So I made a few pain cloud meditations to reduce the fear to 2/10 and called.
This guy isn’t amongst those with great communication talent, at least on the phone. He was so unclear with his information that I needed to ask a few times to understand, that he doesn’t want/ need me right now. I’m not sure about his reasons, if he found someone else, or just to stressed to train someone atm.
At first it was a big disappointment. But after a few minutes I felt pretty calm.
I remembered, that there is still the other job in production. It’s just part time, but it’s still enough to pay my bills and on the plus side, I have enough time to search for a better job and go to interviews without having to take time off.
I’m also torn between KB, LBfH and RotNW. All three of them could have a positive impact on my relationship. RotNW wasn’t a obvious choice, but Saint believes it could be a very good choice because it could help my fiancee to reduce tension.
I would say go with LB4H to heal the love side inside you and run KB to get control of your sexual energy.
One important thing is to heal yourself first, then the relationship can heal, otherwise you try to heal the relationship while a part of the core issue (within yourself) is still an issue.
That was the exact same thought I had. Until Saint wrote:
So RotWN would not only help in the relationship, but my fiancee as well by reducing stress, taking her thoughts away from the worries etc. In the post Saint was referring to, I mentioned my plans to start KB, yet he recommended RotNW. I don’t know, if I’m to biased to interpret his post correctly, but that’s what I made of it.
Called the other company about the part time job. It’s already taken.
But still. I’m totally calm. Not to worried about finances.
They offered me a position with night shift. I could start today. But since I’m up since 6:45, I couldn’t work till 6 am anyways.
But at least I’m now looking for full time jobs, including different shift models.
Interesting observation. After both calls/ rejections I stayed calm. The second time, I even didn’t lose my calm for a second. But after both calls, I got some serious headache.
Might be my subconscious learning that rejection isn’t dangerous after all.
Edit: Headache might be recon? during processing days? can’t tell the source, but it was a thought, so i thought to write it down anyways.
Lots of things going on lately.
I started RotNW last Thursday.
I was super horny over the weekend
The Night from Saturday to Monday I could only sleep a couple of hours. Could be my over 90 days of Semen Retention.
After reading some posts on the KB thread about release, I realized that that could be the solution for my problem. Needed a whole day to speak about it with my fiancee since she suffered a lot with my porn-addiction and I feared, it could open this wound again. For her or for me. So I had the conversation with her. She’s not in the mood for anything because of her depression, but she was totally ok with me taking some privat time.
Honestly, it wasn’t that good. Hyper sensitive as I was after 90 days…
What I noticed especially, is that self pleasure isn’t that pleasurable after all. It kinda feels like I understand how my subconscious is using this to cope with trauma. The stimulus is there, but its by far not as pleasant as I remember it to be from the past, perhaps like 5-10%.
Funny story
I went in my office down in the basement for the release. Forgot something, went 3 stairs up to fetch it. Noticed its not there. Back down on the basement. The last stairs is wooden, like 80 years old and super smooth. I was wearing socks. And of course I slipped and fell down the stairs. Nothing broken, just some minor bruises and a blue big toe. Derailed the fun part a bit.
To solve this Issue for good, I decided for good to start with KB beginning next January.
I realize I’m kinda beside me. There are many things I wanted write down but they dropped out of my head. This whole couple of horny days are a bit fuzzy.
I usually drink some alcohol on most days. Not much. A beer a day. Sometimes a bit of brandy. But the last days, I had absolutely no interest in drinking alcohol. But right after the release I felt like drinking some mead. It hit me pretty hard. It wasn’t more alcohol than a glas of wine, but still I felt like after a few cocktails.
I’m procrastinating a lot. Started watching some series again. Mostly Burn Notice and NCIS. I’m kinda pissed at me. For not taking action. For not getting a job and even if it’s just a basic one. Even such a job would provide enough money to finally be able to breath again.
WARNING: Mixed up thoughts without any structure
I feel the urge to write more.
I noticed something about… As I mentioned earlier, it’s all a bitt fuzzy.
It had something to do with intelligence (not my strong point right now).
Pattern recognition?
Btw, I turned my phone to grey-scale to reduce the dopamine from the phone.
Edit:
Didn’t write any applications. I’m passed at myself for slacking off so much. I need the money. We need it. But I didn’t manage to do anything for that goal. Falling down the stairs and feeling like someone beat me up today didn’t help either.
Strangest thing just happened
We watched TV a little later as planned. Fiancee said “Now it will take ages to fall asleep”
Suddenly I had this Vision/ Flashback.
It was a short emotional journey into her depression or in my feelings of a few years ago.
I suddenly felt this deep desperation this absolut lack of hope. It was just a short moment.
Surreal