- November
Listening Day 5
15 Minutes GM 15 Minutes New Emperor
- November
Listening Day 6
6 Minutes GM 3 Minutes SSX
@RVconsultant could you contact me via pm?
I’d like to ask you about some memes I’d like to post, if they’re OK, or if i should rather not post them. I got cautious after a funny post got removed because it hit someone on the wrong foot.
It’s not about hitting someone on the wrong foot, or “people having different perspectives”, or things being evaluated on a case-by-case basis, or “it’s all a matter of interpretation”, or offending someone, or a post being funny.
It’s about each person learning and applying our Campfire Policy to be responsible for their own posts.
Just read our Campfire Policy, look at the meme, weigh it in the perspective of the Campfire Policy, and then take responsibility for your actions.
- November
A lot has happened in this past week.
The biggest thing probably was that I noticed, that the one big thing, missing in my life is passion. I felt (feel?) like couldn’t motivate myself to bring the winning ticket to the lottery to get my millions.
After some inner research, I realized, that it’s a gigantic fear of death. Specifically a fear of burning out again and falling back into my depression. Probably the worst experience in my 33 years.
I asked in here for subs to conquer this, but the help was not sufficient. So I decided to work with all the tools I collected on my journey. My first step was into my inner realm of the “WHY?”, my motivation. It was the dark L.A. from the film Blade Runner with Harrison Ford. There I meat the guardian of my why. It was Roy. The one that sacrificed everything for his why. He made me realize that there is this fear of falling back into burnout and depression. The fear was on a clear 10/10. He told me to come back once I’ve got rid of that fear.
Over the last 3 days I used a pain cloud meditation to reduce this fear, step by step down to 0. When I reentered the realm of my why today, it looked totally different. I was a gigantic amusement park. Roy was still there, but this time sitting in a slow cup-themed carousel. He gave me a few tasks, like calling possible employers and my coaches to settle things and then I’m good. Now I’m really excited for the coming days.
Besides that, today was a rather interesting day. I listened to GM and NewEmp. Whenever I was sitting around, wasting my time, it felt uneasy. I felt driven to do something, to accomplish something. I considered playing video games, but was unable to. Same with watching tv.
I also noticed, that I’m not that emotionally bound to my fiancees depression. I’m not suffering with her as much as I did before. Could be resilience from New Emperor.
I’m gonna add a few posts I made in other threads that complement my journal.
-
November
Listening Day 7
5 Minutes New Emperor 5 Minutes GM -
November
Listening Day 8
8 Minutes GM 15 Minutes SSX -
November
Listening Day 9
15 Minutes GM 15 Minutes New Emperor
I adjusted listening times according to my feeling. When I felt it was enough, I stopped the track.
Another interesting thing I noticed, is that the horniness is back. I’m not watching porn. absolutely no interest. And even if there was any, knowing what it would do to my fiancee would quench any temptation immediately. Although I watch our own stuff rather often.
I started this training again, where you’re edging and then pull the energy right from your D, up into your crown. I’m not reaching the crown yet, but at least the navel. Also no release.
This training made me also realize, that I really want to start KB rather soon. On the one hand, to heal the remaining sexual trauma so I can focus my energy on productivity, but also to get these abundant energy and aura I need to build my business.
I’ve worked my way through the KB thread. Atm I have about 840 messages left, When I’m done reading, I’m gonna start my journey through the crucible.
Edit
My listening days were 23th, 25th and 27th
Somehow the forum puts it in list mode although it’s correct in edit mode.
Was super tired today. Went to bed at 11, slept 8:40 h straight and hit snooze 4 times.
Also I’m rather irritated today.
- November
Processing Day
I realized today, that I watch our own videos for similar reasons I watched porn: to avoid taking action. Without ejaculation its not as much about the dopamine hit as in the past, but I think it works similarly.
So I decided to get over this asap. Tomorrow I’ll have a session with my fiancee to look at the issue.
I had some plans to fulfill all the tasks today, but again, procrastination hit me. When I finally wanted to call potential employers I felt my blood pressure going through the roof. Another pain cloud later and it was all gone.
I don’t know this concept from the pua scene, but when guys are afraid to ask attractive women for their number, you can turn it into a game to collect as many rejections as possible so the guy learns that rejections aren’t that bad after all.
So I decided to adapt this trick and call a company first, that I know of, that they aren’t hiring atm. The guy on the phone was so bored that even I fell almost asleep. He just told me, that all open positions are on their website. It was actually a rather good feeling.
To experience that rejection is nothing.
On the other hand I noticed today, that I feel a pleasant anticipation to finally work a regular job, even if its just a desk job at a scrapyard.
I’m gonna start listing to-dos again. Not that its a serious commitment just because I post it in here, but also for me to record my progress.
Tasks for tomorrow
- Calling my coaches
- Calling the company about my minijob
- Calling the job coach I meat
- Calling a couple of companies for a interview
Also, I decided to go to bed earlier. I’m aiming for 10:30pm. That way I can get up earlier and hopefully be more productive. Also my fiancee said she can’t apply for certain jobs because she doesn’t believe were able to sleep early. So two birds with one stone.
- November
Listening Day 10
15Minutes GM 5+15 Minutes New Emperor
I got interrupted and decided to start over instead of going with s short loop.
Since I didn’t experience obvious recon in the past, I simply hope, that I’m good. Or I’ll finally have a case of recon.
I just came to the realization that while subs do their job, at the end of the day there is so much we need to reflect on for ourselves, if the sub is to truly effect change.
Taking action sometimes means sitting down and looking at what’s happening inside and not always just doing, doing, doing.
I know that’s actually basic, but knowing something and really understanding something from the inside is like night and day.
I was just sitting at my desk wanting to call potential employers, but nothing. Distraction and rigidity.
Then I took my journal and reflected on what was holding me back. The result was ridiculously mundane, but profound at the same time.
This was a step for me to work more effectively with subs. Instead of just listening to them like swallowing a magic capsule and then hoping that everything will happen on its own.
I hope I can take this step now on a daily basis, or at least, whenever I feel a blockage
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Btw, we managed to get to sleep around 10:30 pm. And my fiancee slept better than in weeks. If I had known, that its so easy, I would have gone to bed earlier earlier.
After realizing my fears, I did another paincloud and felt immediately better.
I called for my minijob at first but didn’t get my contact person. After a few calls I found out that she called in sick today.
So I called the scrapyard. It was a rather pleasant call, even when the MFiC wasn’t available. So I’ll call tomorrow. The Jobs still available.
I started writing an email to my coaches. So much happened and I feel like I can’t put all in a conversation, so I’m writing it down and when I think it’s good, I’ll send it tomorrow.
I forgot to call the job-coach. Will do tomorrow as well.
Tasks for tomorrow
- Finishing the mail to my coaches
- Calling the scrapyard
- Calling the company about my mini job again
- Changing my tires
- grocery shopping with my mom
- applying for my grandmother to be upgraded in care
- visiting the health insurance for that
- Going to bed early
We didn’t make it, but it was much better today.
Just as I wrote this, she came in. So we had a longer conversation about everything relevant that came to mind and finished things off with a blind short therapy style hypnosis.
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For the tasks tomorrow, which one is the one which brings you the most forward to the future you desire?
Finish that task first.
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That would be the scrapyard. Possibly. If I get the job. If not, the upgrade of my grandmother would mean another 240€/month for sure. If I’m not contacting my coaches, it could mean serious financial trouble, so its important and urgent.
Leaves the order at this:
- Grocery shopping with my mom
- Calling the scrapyard
- Calling the company about my mini job again
- Finishing the mail to my coaches
- applying for my grandmother to be upgraded in care with health insurance for that
- Changing my tires
- Going to bed early
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If you have a real-life or a fictional character that you look up to as a role model, you can ask yourself “what would that person do if he/she was in my situation and going after my goals” or “which priorities would that person focus on” or “which questions would that person ask”.
(I like that exercise)
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- November
Processing Day
Went to bed early yesterday. Needed about an hour to fall asleep. Woke an hour later and thought its already time to get up. The whole night was kinda shitty. Might be overexposure since I listened to technically three subs yesterday. But it didn’t interfere with my sleep when I listened to an additional loop of LBfH when the new version came out, on top of my Emp+GM stack… might as well be that I didn’t have sage tea before I went to bed. Or something other altogether. My fiancee slept just as shitty.
I just called the scrapyard and tomorrow I’ll have my very first interview. Super excited.
Also, the company with the 2-6pm production job sent a mail, if I’m still available. I’ve seen that the job is open again, so I have 2 possibilities right now.
During the last two weeks, it became clear to me, that I want to run KB next.
The remaining struggle with my sexual impulses and stuff is one part. But also to be able to use this huge energy inside of me to build my solid base seems very appealing.
And when I did the math yesterday, it all fits that I have the twelve days after my last ssx session end together with my 5 processing days.
If I have the finances, I’ll be running KB soon.
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4/7 done
Didn’t finish the mail (yet), but plan on doing so after writing my journal.
Changing tires wasn’t possible. I needed to much time for the other tasks and the day was over before I knew it. But it’s N° 1 priority for tomorrow since I need my car to get to the Interview. Distraction today was low. Of course there was some, But I used my time much more efficiently than in the last weeks.
Result of me calling about my minijob were first many excuses, but also the promise, that they will prepare some shifts for me tomorrow.
Bonus today wasn’t only that I’ll get more money for this year, but that I can apply for the last three years as well. If everything works out, that could mean 5k. And that’s a huge chunk for us.
I’ve studied theology and some psychology. I’m a certified life-coach and have some knowledge about the inner dynamics of relationships. Sometimes I think I get it.
And then I realize I don’t understand my fiancee at all.
After dinner I went to church choir. Suddenly I get a message from her. My search history from my phone. Full of porn. Only, I know I’m clean as can be for almost three months now straight. Then I realize its from my old phone, which I recently started using again to get some old pics and vids. The her message came “When did you do these searches?” And in my head her voice was full of hurt and aggression. I explained that it hat to be long in the past. and she answered “The last time I checked your phone, it wasn’t in your search history”. I just told her, that I didn’t relapse in the last three months.
When I came home, we had a longer conversation. She was rather calm. And I realized, that my head read it out loud in a completely other tone than she had meant.
Conversation made a few unexpected turns. Finaly she revelaed, that one of my comments did hurt her pretty much. Because I didn’t get the underlying message of her comment but only what the words said.
Then I postponed our discussion. I still had a lot to do: writing my journal, writing my coach. And foremost, getting a clear head.
She seemed a bit hurt when I left. But I need to set my boundaries, even for my depressed fiancee.
I was gone an hour and suddenly she sent me a video of us dancing. From easier times. Times without so much worries, Times we both miss.
And then she sent me a song. Title was “Saying yes”. And I didn’t know what it was about. Part of me suspected, it’s a song about someone always forced to say yes all the time. I didn’t wanna listen to this.
But then I thought, just listen to it. Then I realized: I don’t understand Women at all. Not even my fiancee.
Here are the lyrics. enjoy
I would say yes
Would you ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
Thought I knew what love was
A few endorphins, a little “I love you” here and there
But since I’ve known you, I know I’ve never really been in love
I thought: “They’re all exaggerating
This feeling, no, it never lasts”
But since I’ve known you, I know I’ve never really been in love
Where have you been my whole life?
Could lie with you forever, babe, I won’t lie
I would say yes
If you’d ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
I never wanted this, but suddenly I want it forever
Your ring on my finger forever
I’d say yes
I would say yes
Somehow you fixed me
I realize I like myself more with you
I’ll be honest, I’ve never been more me than next to you
Because you don’t want to change me
And that has changed me
I’m honest, I’ve never been as safe as I am with you
Where have you been all my life?
I want to stay with you forever, I swear that would be enough for me
I would say yes
If you’d ask me today
Would carry your name
Would you ask me today
I never wanted this, but suddenly I want it forever
Your ring on my finger forever
I’d say yes
I would say yes
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