Thanks @Malkuth
Since Emperor FItness in custom in July, then adding DR, and now this newest fitness custom
I have gone form not being able to do a body weight squat without fear and/or pain to squatting 245 lbs to parallel for 5x5. It was about 7 years before that I squatted with weights before this year.
I’m not so sure about this Emperor custom. Course I’m still breaking it in and going through healing, but I feel more confident outside than ever and more doubtful and insecure on the inside than ever.
Especially in romance- I don’t feel the center of my own gravity and life in relation to woman the way I did on previous subs. Now I feel like I’m ‘trying’ could be a development detour but its irking the shit out of me.
PS for me also is such a push for a not-so chill doing anything to make things happen with woman and coming up against Emperor’s indifference and aloofness-it’s a little odd. On Emperor and Emperor Primal I found this new way of relating to woman that I really like, totally carefree.
On this new custom I find my old ‘seduction behaviors’ coming back -now for some context I was a heavy ‘seducer’ for a few years-2 years going out 3-5 nights a week by myself, and 2 years of 2+ tinder dates a week. I had a lot of success, my fair share of failure, got hurt, caused some hurt, and maybe had myself 1 or 2 real heartbreaks. I’m not worried about pain anymore- my sense of self doesn’t feel effected the way it used to by the ebbs and flows of such things, but I do feel this intense, going out of my way to make things happen, turning everywhere I go into a strategy to meet woman.
And other-feels a little ‘uphill addicty’ for my liking.
It’s like I’m a total beginner again. Every custom before this I would say hi or just talk to woman and it became super easy to engage, woman would pursue the conversation, now if I engage - it feels like the clock is ticking before things fizzle out.
Then of course there are moments when everything is on fire. I will continue to run it for 3 more weeks at least.
edit: I’ve also noticed that when I don’t accomplish what I want I feel intense self competitiveness to make it work, this started about 1 month ago, and has increased in weeks I run fitness custom with Spartan. Like today I spent two hours bouldering and was unable to make the final transition to the lip, I just tried the same route over and over and getting better at it every time, but feeling like shit for not being able to finish it. I had to take stock and realize every time I push like that and don’t succeed, the next time I am much better and do succeed. I just dislike walking away feeling like ‘I failed’. So I have to consciously take stock of where I am actually improving in different things but just being hard on myself or feel it’s not enough. This is a similar pattern to people who don’t see sub results in my opinion, they just can’t notice what is happening because it’s not the exact thing they want. Now that I write about this I’m glad this pattern is re-emerging because it means I have skin in the game for real again and just need to stay conscious of acknowledging my wins as well.
I’m moving from my sub use as a matter of developing attributes to a matter of reaching goals. So after DR the focus will intensely be on metrics, and that means cores and subs cannot in any way be push-pulling each other and/or running user energy that is not being executed and in use.
That’s right it’s Gay Hendricks, really enjoying his book. I’ll check out At the Speed of Life.
Peace 
