A Northern Power (Not Nice)

Journals - Major Programs
#316

2/52

I guess the movie trailer effect is gone!

Do I feel as strong right now as in week 1? Nope. Inadequacy and self doubts come to the surface, Iā€™m not as convincing now, like I cannot pull off the alpha act anymore.

C O N G R U E N C E

I also cannot cope with the intense masculine energy, like I cannot just sit in it, let it course through my body and not release it. The sight of younger female colleagues gets me going, which is not good.

Then I realised that I have bad impulse control, yes itā€™s hidden because I donā€™t drink or go wild in conventional ways, but it comes out in spending loads on nonsense and eating shit food.

Also being calm all the time. Why? I told off my partner for lashing out at me and it felt bloody great! I ainā€™t the lazy tosser she thinks I am and told her in no uncertain terms that. Of course there were lots of cuddling afterwards :tipping_hand_man:t6:

To be fair this just might be a load of recon (yawning fits at work) Iā€™m talking here, this alpha journey is done long term thing.

2 Likes
#317

Is this a recon symptom? Iā€™ve had this the past week, overly tired and ridiculous yawning. Didnā€™t know where it came from then I see you mention it.

Thx

1 Like
#318

3/52

LBFH gave me a harsh recon episode and was akin to mass resistance - psychosomatic flu symptoms. I have recon to the eye balls, stress responses all over the placeā€¦ for one reason.

What it uncovered was something disturbing that Iā€™ve remembered a long time ago as a child. My parents have a habit of inappropriately exposing themselves and invading my space when Iā€™m bathing/showering.

The recon manifested itself as a persistent cough (throat chakra) and I intuitively sensed that I needed to use my voice and say it out loud as disapproval of my parents behaviour. I kept saying to myself ā€œIā€™ve been violated, Iā€™ve been violated!ā€. It is not normal. For me that is a block to self love as someone else has crossed my boundaries in such an egregious way, but never once did I have the balls to call it out.

Ever since I said it out loud, recon around the throat has started to ease off. LBFH brought up that specific trauma then released it.

5 Likes
#319

4/52

Hmmm, I can feel both products settling in and building up, however I can also see how far I have to go yet.

Ascension is very slowly building an inner core within and I feel like I can stand up for myself against my partner, however I donā€™t because the main feeling is still acquiescence - give in, agree with her, weakly use my voice in support of myself. In other words - beta male is still at 95%.

LBFH still hasnā€™t taught me to like myself or treat me any better, but the realisation that early family sexual abuse is totally wrong has taught me to at least forgive myself for being in that situation. There is a lot of events like that to come up to the surface and confront for good.

Seems like Iā€™m starting at such a low base to most of society, so Iā€™ll have to just be patient with the stack. Itā€™s only 4 weeks in.

2 Likes
#320

A loving change in world view

I had turned down my bossā€™ request to work earlier, due to working with my students at my second job at university.
Her reaction was to tell me to ā€œfuck offā€ whilst hanging up the phone.

I was stunned and a little shaken up by it, not just because sheā€™s my boss, but I had to immediately re-evaluate why I am working extra with someone who has now proven themselves to be vile.

Also I see very clearly that I have walked blindly into this situation and ignoring the red flags around me of bad treatment. All in the name of trying to resolve the mother-based trauma that was set early on.

The result- I enjoy and will still work with my students, whatever happens, I still love myself.

LBFH for the win.

2 Likes
#321

Posting for reference :wink:

1 Like
#322

Thank you for the tags Michel. Iā€™m grateful for you extending a helping hand.

PCC has been recommended to me by a number of users, andā€¦wow. I just realized Iā€™ve been fearful of me misusing and abusing my own power. Thatā€™s whatā€™s held me back from committing to it thus far.

Iā€™m even considering a DR St.2 custom today, and I assumed Iā€™d put in Ascension as my second core. Iā€™d not considered PCC. I was going to stack it with LBFH. Hmmā€¦

Question: how do you tag me and my username doesnā€™t show in the post?

#323

That I donā€™t know but somehow it did :face_with_raised_eyebrow: maybe @RVconsultant can help?

1 Like
#324

That is weird. I just logged out, seeing if itā€™d show, but no.

Iā€™ve wondered if you may have blocked me one time. Iā€™ve been here a number of years, and Iā€™ve wondered if some have blocked me due to my old victim thinking. It gets annoying reading someone going in circles when solutions are right in front of them. Just guessing.

#325

I get the alert on my icon, in the top right corner of the screen. Thatā€™s how I knew youā€™d mentioned me.

I just donā€™t see my username in your post.

#326

The only people Iā€™ve blocked on here ended up getting themselves banned. :smile_cat: so you have nothing to worry about.

1 Like
#327

I donā€™t know. @subliminalguy has the issue with tagging been resolved?

1 Like
#328

Not in Michelā€™s post above.

#329

Keep discovering nuggets of gold far far far too late in this subliminal journey. And yes that bolded bit is my case. :no_mouth:

In other news, I had to join a workplace call, which I had much difficulty joining (so much for advances in technologyā€¦) with the female call leader catching an attitude throughout. I tried multiple times to join (and rejoin) to watch and chat along, but she kicked me off.

Enter Ascension

I sent a strongly worded email to her and a boss detailing the misadventure and telling her firmly that I will not be joining any more calls under any circumstances. Wasnā€™t interested in the reply either.

I also didnā€™t react to my boss who screamed ā€œfuck offā€ down the phone line when she eventually crawled back to ask a favour. (Is me not telling her off for that self preservation?)

@ksub or @Luther24 suggested bullies pick their targets based on how strong (or weak) a personā€™s internal framework is. LBFH/Ascension 4 weeks in has done more for my self worth than years of upbringing.

I think Iā€™d better keep the sassiness on a lid for now :joy:

Entry level self esteem and confidence kinda feels great. It seems other people have this frame thing down pat, but these subs are helping to develop solid internals.

3 Likes
#330

5/52
A few more Ascension custom results:

  • LBFH is doing the most to reveal who is good for me vs whoā€™s toxic. Unfortunately my boss lies firmly in the latter category

  • desire to teach art has grown, especially as my self confidence keeps growing. My sessions with the students are mostly positive.

  • still a little incongruent to the outside world, mild dissing has returned. I donā€™t react to it anymore, I take it as a compliment now

  • switched back to Ascension, AM is more of a ā€œfinancial alphaā€ title. I just want confidence

  • at a bit of a dilemma - currently working two jobs - the first sucks, getting the second would require moving back to the big city, leaving people behind. What do I do? :tipping_hand_man:t6:

4 Likes
#331

There is nothing outside of yourself that can give you the answer.

But i can advice to make a pros and cons list to each situation.

Nice results you got, keep going :grin::+1:

2 Likes
#332

Starting to see the LBFH effects in the open; my self to mage is getting better, at points Iā€™ve heard myself saying really bad things towards myself and others, at least I can recognise them now, which is the first step to nipping it in the bud.

More positive towards myself, but that loud coughing crap has returned - this time I donā€™t flinch and I donā€™t take it personally, it says nothing negative about who I am - on the contrary. Is there someone youā€™ve come across that is even 1% of Ascension in ordinary life? Nope.

More happiness and joy for myself, even allowing for tough situations at work.

Starting to learn about the machinations of my boss - remembering that they have a vested interest in keeping you down and on the hamster wheel of approval. Donā€™t know how to be less naĆÆve when a boss is abusing her power, but PCC in the custom may have the answer. Remembering that soft power (congruence) is more effective than the military approach my female boss is employing.

2 Likes
#333

Had a mild recon episode where I questioned my own position in my relationship. Who was I to her? Was I a placeholder for someone else? Am I actually loved for who I am, or for what I do? Why am I being dismissed as a person with skills? I knew it had nothing to do with my partner, but it brought me to tears in the middle of the night.

Afterwards in the morning I had a sunbeam cross my face and it returned me to that teenager again, with a sense of wonder and anticipation for the future, even though the past was full of pain.

I do feel that others are starting to treat me warmly and myself waiting and delaying my immediate sceptical reaction to others, which opens myself up to more positive responses. I do feel much better about myself, conversely those toxic people donā€™t seem to find me anymore.

This New Wealth Experience scripting for LBFH really should have manifesting loving people as an experience towards healing.

1 Like
#334

LBFH has wealth scripting? Iā€™d never have known.

If so, that sounds awesome.

#335

I donā€™t think LBFH has it explicitly, but loving yourself more could lead to better work opportunities, which could mean more wealth.

2 Likes