I feel like an outcast. So many people talk about the family…the values of the family…and for me the family is no safe place anymore. Its no place to relax…its actually a place to be challanged…the roughest challenges of all…
5 mins of emperor daddy…processing the sub with Breath of fire.
During that, I felt that its not the time for E:WTP…Rather limitless…It has a more broader approach for my life and hits more things. And I am getting this point of growth allready since some days using emperor. I was considering Limitless allready since a week.
Listened to Limitless for 3 minutes. I like it. But choosing against E:WTP may have been running away from what I deeply fear. My power. Why? Because I am afraid to hurt someone… Why? Because I am afraid of the consequeces… Fear of being abandoned. Fear of being called out. Fear of being sent to my room. Its all not true. And this hurt I am talking of…is emotional Hurt. I am not afraid of hurting anyone physically. Of losing control…That wont happen. My mind tells me stories…but it has never happened. Or actually it has happened…Once I got so mad during a laser tag game that I ran over a small child. There I lost control. I feel deeply ashamed of that. There I lost control over my anger. For a reason that was completley inappropiate. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. I forgive you. I feel shame for attacking a child. I was around 19 or 20 back then, and that boy was maybe 12.
Back then I was very immature. Now I have grown…But what this shows me…I am capable of doing that. I am capable of physically attacking someone…somehow this takes a weight of my shoulder and relaxes something inside of me. Its there. I feel shame. My mind tries to reason…its the fault of the facilitators, that they let adults play with children…but in the end…its my fault. I was the perpetrator back then. I was the bad guy. I have it in me. Some part of me is shocked writing this. Some part that condems other people who are violent. But I did it myself…I am just a human being. No saint. Luckily nothing physical happened…yes I inflicted an emotional wound. I maybe even a big one…a trauma? Who knows. Can I forgive myself? Yes. My mind though throws a lot of things at me. That adults should never attack children, than as an adult I should have known how to control myself…I didnt. And know I know why. I never learned it. I am only starting to be an adult with 34. Before I was a child. I didnt know better and I couldnt do better. This rule of you are an adult with 18years…bullshit…
Regarding the fear of emotional hurt…making someone cry isnt an issue for me any longer. When someone crys I actually get off…the child in me is afraid of when mommy is crying…there is an image popping up from my childhood. when we were at the doctor with my smallest brother and he was diagnosed with a catharact…from birth on…my mom really cried…and I didnt know what to do. I felt completley helpless…but its super interesting that I felt drawn to help her…I felt that I needed to do something to change my moms feelings. It shows the depths of the emotional incest and enmeshment between us.
For me sickness and such issues where never really that much of a problem. death wasnt such a big deal…atleast when my grandparents died. It was okay. Yes I cried…but I could go on…the death of my for some years best friend was harsh…he didnt tell anyone about his cancer…we hadnt had much contact in his last years, as I was together with my exwife. But before we got together he was an amazing friend…we shared our first name actually. We shared our geekness. Wow, he was really amazing. allways interested in new stuff. Allways creating something new. He was very productive and active…had a girlfriend aswell…where he had good balance between being with her and not being with her…
When I got together with my ex-wife it was instant being glued together…life outside of our relationship faded away. That was way to intense and unhealthy for me.
Getting reminded of one of my best friends before…when I was 15 i met him. During that time I was deeply addicted to world of warcraft…this guy kinda pulled me out into reality…and into christianity…well the first 1-2 years were great until i got to those fundamental guys. But before it was kinda nice…a little bit like the ayahuasca and yoga people…singing, hugging but no Sex (but actually it happened in the shadows and was badly talked about then by the ones who didnt do it)…
But this guy was a lovely friend…until he got together with his girlfriend…I was around 17 back then…From meeting me every or every other day, we just met once a week anymore…I felt really abandoned…Back then I didnt have the tools to process that. I guess this is the time when I regularly started smoking weed and cigarettes. And thats okay. I see it now. I see through how much abandonment and betrayal I went in my life. Yes from the outside view it was natural for that to happen…but from my personal subjective view…from the view of a 17 year old that had the emotional maturity of a 2year old…it was life devasting and shocking…
I really only now start to see what impact it had on my life to never learn how to feel sadness…to not being able to cry. To have this blocked by shame…“men dont cry”…“mummy is sad when I cry”…damn…how much impact it has on a life when a child cannot learn how to feel emotions. I am feeling compassion for myself right now. I am sorry for all the times where I have gaslighted myself…that its not that bad, what happened to me.
Its fucking bad having Developmental Trauma and C-PTSD is fucking bad. And thats okay. Only through that journey I met my bestfriend of now. Only through that path I learned of spirituality. Only through that path I learned of psychedelics and ayahuasca. Only through that path I now have this strength and wisom. Only because of all of that I am a scholar of mystery schools and learning the secrets of the universe. Only because of that I am a sex shaman. I bet noone in my class or even school has any clue about that. I bet noone would think that this guy that was mobbed is now such an badass. I am comparing, ego tries to go big. A little is okay. But dont go to hard.
Everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. Ill feel the feelings, surrender to the learnings I make, dont push myself down, look into the shadows, enjoy the peace when it is here and confront my fears. And I love to do that. That inner child may have all this fears…but the adult that is able to hold that child. The adult that is able to hold all those painful patterns, deeply engraved in my emotional body and soul…is fucking strong and amazing. Nothing of those things broke me. All of those made me stronger. Wiser. More capable. More attractive.
When I was with my ex-wife…I had no self worth at all…like all the time…man…its such a difference to now.
I am someone totally different. All this journey was worth it. All this journey is worth it. I go with hope into the future. And confidence. And pride. And courage.
This fear of talking with my parents…what am I actually afraid of? When I hurt their feelings? That they abondon me? To be honest…if they would do that…it would be finally over. the cards would be on the table. It wouldnt hurt me anymore if my mother abandons me. My dad…a bit…
But if my mother wouldnt talk to me anymore…thank you universe. Finally the words are spoken out. Finally truth is there.
There is nothing to fear regarding talking to my parents. They cant hurt me anymore They have no more power over my anymore…
And I start to see it…others have only so much power over me as I give them…as much as I need them.
When I dont need someone he cant hurt me…
You cant hurt me anymore Mum. Send me all your hatred. All you anger…you cant hurt me anymore. I am transparent for you. Shame me as much as you want. I dont give a fuck anymore. If you disrespect me…I am gone.
I have this feeling of a cold blooded killer running through me. At the one hand I feel ashamed for it. But on the other hand…I feel that this is uncondtional love regarding my mother. I finally accept her for what she is. As I dive so deep into spirituality, I keep falling into the dangerous spiritual bypassing trap of forgiving her and forgetting (as I try to stay in the present moment). But I will never forget anymore. I will never forget from now on that I cannot let my boundaries down around you anymore. You are a wolf in a sheeps pelt. You only do nice, till I show my weakness and then you bite…
There comes a memory of female hypergamy…that they test men like that…as a strategy to stay safe…seemingly the oedipus complex wasnt only on me trying to proving myself to her…it was also her testing me.
I really need to write it down deep inside my being/heart/whatever, that woman are wolf in sheeps pelt. Or as I am currentyl learning in that course…they are the Lilith and the Eve. The dark feminine aswell as the light feminine. And so I have to be both. God and Satan. A being of light and of darkness…
Just got a call by a friend who is as old as me…who was suprised by cancer a month ago…and had it removed ASAP. It was in th collon…her takeaway of this was…From now on I wont swallow anything I want to say anymore…So I get some instant warning from the universe. STEP INTO YOUR POWER AND START TO BE ANGRY OR GET CANCER…Im axagerating a bit…but I think you get me.
I start to see that with my mother I have only ever shown my light masculine. I never showed my dark masculine. And for sure…this is the issues. The dark masculine that says after beein insulted…Come at me…challange me into my power…make me stronger…letf fight…I tried to confront it with the light masculine…that doesnt work.
I get it now. The light feminine needs the light masculine and the dark feminine needs the dark masculine. So the question is…how to start switching fast between them? I guess its all about being present and emotional regulated…and it will happen all by itself.
I really need to stop resisting the dark masculine.
