A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#221

Yesterday we also talked about protection…and how people with good boundaries spend a lot of time in meditation or solitude…to feel who they are…to become sensitive about whats mine and whats thine…i have been taking on so much from everyone in my life…not set boundaries…Not anymore…with most people it actually works very fine…but not with my family…my teacher told me its the hardest there…but at the same time…when I got it there…I got it everywhere else… (Maybe other than the woman I have sex with)…
I want to get better at discerning what energies are mine and what energies are being pushed onto me. What projections are put onto me…I want to start sensing when someone puts a projection onto me (it will always happen to me according to human design)…and then to decide if i want to take on that projection or not.

I learned something about food and my food choices…on this trip, I started to make the food that I used to eat…until 3 weeks ago…Müsli, Joghurt and Fruit…adn then I realized…there are two way currently unfolding in front of me…One…the one where I eat this thats readily prepared and that will bring me back to my old self…or to eat the breakfast I now eat everyday…and continue to becoming adult. I am proud for making the second choice. It kinda seems like a very little thing. But it was super interesting, that from my adult self…I didnt like the taste of that what used to be my yummy breakfast.
I start to see the importance of my breakfast choice for stabilizing myself in my masculine adult self.

Something that came to my attention lately, is that when I am in that masculine, adult self. I have a very serious face expression…a little bit tense…but life is serious…but out of that…all this drive results. I havent experienced my adult me yet when indulging a bit. There has this very cautious side withhin myself appeared…that every second of indulgance and hedonistic pleasure is a moment of letting my boundaries down and the chance of weakness entering into my being again.

Went into meditation…I got images and emotions flashing up what it means do be a Daddy…I felt that feeling of fame, acomplishment and sexiness…I experienced that daddy energy from the feminine side…daym…
I have never felt that before…I never thought it was possible to feel so confident, masculine, accomplished and sexy. Or actually…I felt like that…back with my ex…when I was listening to Khan…during sex with her.
Its the first time that I experience that feeling alone. That level of confidence. It is the first time in my life that I allow myself to feel that way…
I ask myself…have you deserved to feel that way?? like is there some meat behind that fascade? And from this level of confidence, I can say…I havent deserved it…there is no such way as deserving or not deserving… and I realize…my spiritual ego is taking over. this part of me that doesnt allow. doesnt allow fun, sexuality, success, any good feelings…that wants to suck away all my lifejuice. Suck away all the good feelings and emotions in my life.…WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS??? WHAT DO YOU WANT??
I shouted the last sentence…with an emphasis on the YOU…it feels like my mother wanting to suck away all my success…making everything I succeeded at in life her merit…
NOO, I WILL NO LONGER FEED YOU WITH ANY OF MY LIFEFORCE…

I havent learned much about the ancestral flow yet…but the energy flow shouldnt run from the son to the mother…
And I am realizing…I am all the time trying to prove myself to my mother…and my father…(to an way lesser extend)…
But it should never by my MOTHER that I should want to prove myselt to…it should be towards my LOVER…

DALL·E 2024-11-12 13.31.01 - A dramatic, mystical scene depicting a masculine shaman with long blond hair and blue eyes, standing in a powerful stance, banishing an older, grotesq
DALL·E 2024-11-12 13.31.01 - A dramatic, mystical scene depicting a masculine shaman with long blond hair and blue eyes, standing in a powerful stance, banishing an older, grotesq1024×1024 360 KB

#222

I cant describe the amount of disgust and shame I am feeling because of that emotional incest.
I was in the role of being my mothers lover. I was in the role of beeing in a sexual relationship with my mother…(Archetypicaly, energetically speaking). This is why I was only attracted to woman who are older than me…with whom i felt safe with…this incestous relationship between my lover and mother archetype…
And the other way around…when I went to a prostitute/Sexual theraphists…I wanted the young ones…bareley legal…it all comes this twisted mother son relationship…

A SON DOESNT HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO HIS MOTHER…
maybe a bit to his father…will work on that later…
THIS DISAPPROVING MOTHER…that feeds on the sons achievements…and when he doesnt achieve…she punishes him and ignores him…

It is super interesting to see the archetype work I did in the last days manifest here.
I will no longer try to prove myself to you.
I will tell you when enough is enough.
I will let go of the things that no longer serve me.
I will take all confrontations heads on.
I will do everything according to my rythm.
I can never be sure of anything.
I wont answer any questions that dont matter to me.

I forgive you mother. But I will no longer allow any of that.
I had this irrational believe that forgiving is forgetting…
But its not like that. To be forgiven has a subtext now…do it again and we have a problem. Fast to forgive, never forget.
Its interesting how this is manifesting from that temple weekend…during that one process where I was “traumatized” without knowing what it was…someone was doing it from the safety of disguise by the dark…the next day during the sharing circle I talked about this…not to offload my shit…but to make sure that a lesson is learned. That this wont happen again. The facilitator shrug this of as…“this is what we call an acident in BDSM…and accidents happen”…only in hindsight I see…this was no BDSM container. And only because you do it there like this doesnt mean it has to stay lile this. The organizer didnt try to improve her game at all…even beforehand a guy was proposing an extra rule if you wanted it to stop…first she disaggreed with that rule…but when I also voiced my vote for it it was kinda accepted by the room. I start to see the danger of containers like that…where you arent supposed to talk about anything later…its dangerous. Abusers can hide themselves behind closed doors…but on the other side I also see…mystery traditions need some sort of secrecy…Back on topic…
This energy sucking is no longer tolerated in the dark. So many times I have brushed over that mother wound…again and again…and so many times I had this innocent childish hope that at some point my mommy would get it and be a proper mommy…NO this day is over. That part of me that wishes for a mommy to nurture it has my internal mommy…and when that is not sufficient Ill go and use my theraphist as a nursing mum…or a medicine woman…or a hooker…any woman where I have an explicit energy exchange and wont be charged in the aftermath with something that we havent agreed on…
It honestly felt like my whole life that I was born with a bill of debts to my mum for all the investments she put into me…I actually never felt that from my dad. My mum did spread it…because in truth…most of the debts I have with her (according to her reality) are things that my dad for me. Getting money that my dad earned. Money that my grandparents earned. She never earned that money herself…she failed at life. Shes a loser…writing this down makes me feel deep compassion towards her…
And suddenly the puzzle comes together…shes a 3/6…a 3 makes all the mistakes you can make…a 3 is here to learn how to not do it. And the 6 is also so complicated…first 30 years making mistakes…second 20 for healing…and then the role modeling…
my mum didnt spend that time healing…she resisted emotions. she was running away from pain…
I suddenly feel like beating a street dog…but it is what it is. My mom is a looser. No carreer, her 3 sons are deeply flawed (the last one is her last remaining hope, lets see when or if he breaks as my brother and I did, because we couldnt keep the mask intact…couldnt stay functional…), her husband is deeply unhappy with her…
And I start to see…THIS IS NOT ME…the true seperation between me and my mother hasnt happened…until now. I have never seen my family dynamic in such a clarity. I never had this realization how my lifeforce was beeing sucked away by an energetic entity…
Yesterday…I even wrote it…I recognized that fear of beeing happy for the first time…and that someone will come and take it away from me… it was the the mother all along.

I start to feel this confusion again…this layer that tells me I am crazy…I am making all of this up…this GASLIGHTING.

#223

So much is making sense now…all these crys for help from my inner child…beeing afraid of its own mother…abvious when the mother tries to suck dry the child of its lifeforce.
All this stored up pent up anger withhin me that I am afraid to actually tap into.

And why up until now I never felt successful in my journey to become a man…my mother doesnt want me to be a man. She wants me to stay a child forever…her child… She even uses those words…Ill allways be your mother and I will allways give you unsolicited advice…I get it now. I wont fall back into a disillusionment…I wont participate in that game anymore. I refuse to fight you.
And again…we come to that topic that allways comes out when I run a status/Alpha subliminal…I need to get out of that financial enmeshment with my parents. The thing that I am working on since now 2 years. I need to make the next steps. To keep the ball rolling. I remember it again. I said by the end of march this has to be done. I need to get that ball rolling again. This is of major importance in my life.

#224

A walk did me well.
I am seeing that I have a tendency to get lost in the details…to try to feel all the feelings…and try to solve problems in actual reality in spiritual reality.

Lets look at it with a new lens:
I am in theraphy for CPTSD. Developmental trauma. My journey started when I learned of narcissitic abuse. When I was completley done for in the relationship with my exwife and a friend that I connected with after 10 years introduced me to narcissism…I read the dynamics of the relationship with my exwife in the internet…like on point…by now I know of my tendency of black and white seeing. on magnifying everything to the extreme…
Still. I was very dysfunctional in my life…completley codependent. Alcoholic. Liar. Full of shame. Not able to feel any emotion. I was a wreck…I dint know it. My exwife didnt know it. My family didnt know it…but I kept a fassade up…until I couldnt anymore.

All of what I went through in theraphy…it writes TEXTBOOK narcissitic abuse…where they say…RUN AWAY…or if you cant STONEWALL…ahh Greyrock the narcissist. Dont show them any emotion. No Anger, No fear, No joy…and I start to see it…as soon as I show my mom that I do good…she starts to micromanage me. When I do bad…she ignores me (she doesnt dare to punish me anymore atleast).
All my anger is saying is…I want to get away…what is keeping me there? This enmeshment…but other than that…that will be done for in some months…how would I like our relationship to be?
It feels like it will slumber…less and less contact…I wont feed my parents much from my life anymore…funny how I say feed my parents…it feels like as a son, i am obliged to give my parents attention. and attention is energy. I have been putting way to much of my energy and attention to my parents.

The financial enmeshment will end soon. And then we will see.

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#225

To get out of this very personal process…what am I learning generally here? To zoom out a bit…
Dont trust people so easily. Keep your wall up. Some benefit of the doubt is okay to give. But STAY ALERT. Everyone brings their shadows with them all the time. Let people earn my trust.
And even then…stay alert. Part of being an adult is keeping my guards up…or living with the consequences for when I let them down and get hurt.
Its also very important to put some more doubt into spiritual processes and healing modalities…this spiritual thing of…If you believe its true it becomes true…a dangerous road to walk on. And also some childish wishful thinking. So allways experiment…like human design has told me…dont take anything as granted…observe it for yourself. So after each family constellation etc. that is supposed to heal me…observe it…and dont fall into new projections onto reality. dont change one illusion for another. or atleast…when I do so…check if this new illusion is resonating with my innermost core more…seek for reality checks more often. See where it hurts. And make changes there.

But now that I layed my tastebuds on this feeling of success…and saw how when I go there, energy suckers come…
I know what to do. Keep myself focused on that feeling of success and go for it. Sense when energy is flowing away. and put up boundaries.
I really need to start to agressive. In an adult way…on the surface level…but on the energetic plane…I allow myself to let out that beast. I allow myself to become to become the most brutal savage that this world has seen as of yet. I allow myself to become the biggest monster so the other monsters fear me and dont hangle with me…

There is a reason that my altar carries the image of Kali Ma
I embrace you Kali Ma. I need your strength. I need your fierceness. I need your rawness. i need your brutality. Om Krim Kalikaye Namaha.
Kali_by_Raja_Ravi_Varma

#226

Its amazing. I am sitting now here…coming down a bit from my journey. And I have that feeling of acomplishment in me. That feeling of success. I like it. I missed that in my life. This is what I have been searching for. To feel that and not feel ashamed at the same time.
Sure today I have help from chemicals…But I know what it tastes like and I am now calibrated in that direction.

#227

Angry today…Have to go to the hospital for a checkup on my long covid…allready know that its a waste of time…maybe I am blocking myself…and something good will occour…I should be careful with what I project onto the future and with what negative expectations I go into the day.

#228

In the hospital…was here the last time when i was 18 year old and was doing my civil service as paramedic. I was quite a badass back then…havent thought about that aspect of me for qiite long. Felt quite successful back then.

I start to see that this feeling of power, success and confidence comes when i relax fully…often i resist that full relaxation because of fear in my system…but i am getting better and better. Every day.

This journey to the hospital is actually a quite nice and casual way to integrate the new calm me…sure the goal ks to have that confidence and calmnesd with woman…but again i see that i have to start with small steps…

#229

Are you German? Yesterday you talked about “Müsli”, that sounds familiar to me :grin:

#230

Austria :austria::mountain:
Are you german?

#231

While waiting in the hospital i jumped over my shadow and just talked to the woman who sat next to me…
And it was good. I learned something.
Life gives me challanges…and only by engaging with them I grow…
I have never looked at it like that…i thought its all about preparing yourself so well that life is easy…that was a big missunderstanding…
All life is an initiation…not just some rituals or retreats…its happening all the fucking time.

It feels like this was a pathway for the subliminals to manifest in my life.
I need to talk to people more. And I want to get more comfortable with talking to strangers.
It was scary, but I did it…now I am stronger :heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign::heavy_plus_sign:

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#232

Servus :slight_smile:
I’m swiss :switzerland: we have some mountains, too :stuck_out_tongue:

#233

Brilliant insight. I take my slight of it :pizza:

#234

On the way back to the hospital…I felt the internal pulse to make a spontanous visit at the sexual therapists…I realized some time ago that I have so much performance anxiety…that it creates a lot of resistance to engage woman for “quick sex”. There is a big fear of seducing and then not being able to deliver…
Today it went way better than the last time…the lady was quite helpful though…we looked each other in the eyes, this was helping me relax. I allowed myself to regulate my body like I learned it (I am quite loud doing that with the moans)…and I remembered…with my ex it was the same…I am simply extremely vocal during sex.
Went much much better than the last time, had way more control over my ejaculation (the last some times I came very fast)… Also I allowed myself to talk way more, be more vocal, voice my wants, etc.
It was a very very healing experience that gave me a lot more confidence…I think when I have a connection with a woman over an evening or so…it would be even better…
Proud again for myself for my courage…my body was actually shaking up entering the brothel…but i simply fully let go and let everything happen.

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#235

I feel very tired now. That visit to the hospital was quite taxing to me. Also I feel some reccon…I guess from the loop of Heartsong I had jesterday.
I feel disguted of myself…but its again not me speaking. Its a projection again because of going to prostitutes…“what my mother would say…”…
Interesting. For me this was a very healing experience.
This journaling is really helpful vor me to voice these things…
I nearly dropped back into old habbits…got a mail from netlix that the next season of arcane is out…i nearly called the day a cheat day and started binging it.
But I know…when I start this will take me back. And I dont want to make steps back.
Cancelling the mail subscriptions to netflix. Proud that I resisted. Need to get up and take the rest of my energy to prepare some food.

#236

Interesting what stories appear in my mind…what fears…
What would your future partner think of you?
Fears of not getting a woman, for beeing somehow tained now…
Even though I recently met a woman who said that men who care for themselves with going to prostitutes are actually courages and its good.
Also a voice says: “your a loser, you cant even seduca a woman”…
Yes. This is a weakness of mine…I am working on it. Having a weakness doesnt make me a loser. Taking continous action torward a goal is whats making me a winner. And knowing that each of those steps will make me stronger and better. I dont compare my starting point to anyone else.
I was actually told several times that since starting all this sexuality journey…I have changed SOOOO much…and people take me as a role model for how much change is possible. I dont really see it…maybe it has to do something with smoking weed…and me not remembering that time so well…
Regarding the fears concerning a future partner…whoever doesnt accept me, my flaws and the tools I uses and use to facilitate my healing and achieve my goals has no more place in my life. I am gonna cut you out. This can become rough for my mother. But I need to do it. I dont have energy for bullshit…
There are also a lot of other judgments coming up…from religion. Christianity…but actually…Jesus was it who helped the Prostitute Maria Magdalena…he had no issues with her. He didnt ask her to stop what shes doing…He just said…Whoever is without sin throws the first stone…
This time was relieved when I got into the fangs of a Hare Krishna Guru for some time…I learned something about spirituality…but all those rules made me run away…especiall at the moment where when he told me You have to follow my advice now and misstrust your intuition…if you dont do it, in your next life, you will be a worm……Fuck off. Fuck off from my life. You dont now more about reality than others. Its a good reason this is called a sect. Extremism is never good.
And judging is never good. I admit…I myself judge people. I put them into boxes. I am sorry. I cant stop doing it. I feel ashamed for it. I label people. I dont love all people the same. I love those more that benefit me. I am no holy man. I am no sait. I am a sinner. And I cant stop it.
All those rules, shoulds and people telling how to live a life…its disgusting me. Its the worst…This isnt happening out of love…noone noes what is good for the other…we can only give advice. We can only help people in the way they want help. Without hooks. All else is evil. And not happening out of love.

I am proud of my dark side. In my darkness lies my strength. And all people who play only love and light and want to fight the darkness…havent understood it.
I am my only judge. Its in my power. And I am forgiving myself for being a human being. I accept myself for being limited. I accept both my dark and light side. And I want that those tho befriend it each other. That there is peace between those two sides…I am not participating in this war. I choose peace withhin me.

#237

I actually want to put emphasis on what happened when I got so tired today and wanted to start binge watching…it was this repressed shame…when I go into that freeze response…its a sign of shame. I have to remember that.
And I also want to point out that the Rapé saved me in that moment. It helped me to recenter and to start feeling and journaling. So no more shame for Rapé.

And I want to pat myself on the back for making this couragous decision of not giving in to pleasures. Instead watchign an online course now about the Dark feminine Archetype by the “Sex rabbi” I have taken those life changing retreats at…
And I realized…I am at a point in my life where I am getting initiated into dark secrets. Into some of the deeper hidden mysteries of spirituality. Awesome

#238

Anger comes up…this course about the dark feminine is deep…it confronst the Patriarchal conditioning in me…These whish of having control over a woman…that she surrenders to me…
I guess thats good…but a part of me doesnt like it.
I learned of the dominant and submissive dynamic in Tantra meets BDSM and it has soem beauty…but what I have seen with my Ex is that its very very exhausting to allways be in the dominant role…as the dominant role carries 150% responsibility…opposed to the 100% of the submissive…

I wish for a relationship of equality. I wish for a relationship where I can also sometimes drop into my feminine and the woman goes into her masculine…That its a dance where everone takes the lead for some time…
Freedom is something thats very important…but I admit…I am afraid of imagining a relationship of pure freedom…where everyone can follow all their desires…open relating etc. But on the other hand I see its beauty…I guess I am simply afraid of all the Jealousy processes that would come up…but everything with its time…one step after the other.
Whats interesting in this course is that not the light masculine gets the woman…but the dark masculine…not the whiney man…but the man who stands on his own… so I really want to work on embracing my dark side…more and more and more…
And for thats its important to drop all those rules, should musts. All this shame about anything of me.
Find strength withhin me and not take anyone above me.

Its interesting…I often think of my Yoga Tantra techer from india…there is a childish part inside of me that want to prove itself to him…that want to tell him…Hey look at the progress I have made…tell me I did well please…and as I write this down…I ask myself…How can I include this withhin myself? I guess it has to do something with the father role…as from yesterdays process I saw that I wanted to prove my mother…and the same is happening with my father…
Human design says about me that I dont have to prove anything to anyone and that is one of my weaknesses…trying to prove myself and that this is my biggest weakness (or actually, the weakness of around 70% of people)…so how to stop proving myself? I guess the answer is unconditional self love…

Help me magical ChatGPT

Learning to stop seeking validation from others and giving yourself unconditional love is a beautiful and challenging journey. Here are some steps to help you along the way:

1. Identify Your Self-Worth Patterns

  • Reflect on What Drives You: Ask yourself why you feel the need to prove yourself. Often, it stems from a desire to be accepted or from past experiences where you felt “not enough.”
  • Notice When You Seek Validation: Be mindful of moments when you’re tempted to seek approval. When you feel that pull, ask yourself if this act truly aligns with who you are or if it’s just an attempt to earn love or approval.

Yeah…I am starting to see it…The why am I trying to prove myself? Wow, immideatly I feel a constriction in my throat…it says I am not good enough…A Voice from my childhood, an image of a child standing infron of its parents and anchestors saying I am sorry for dissapointing you…But here it comes: Its not my duty or job as a child to make any of my forecomers proud…The Disney movie Mulan comes to my mind…I really liked that movie…there its all around making the ancestors and family proud…I start to see the pattern of how this is programmed into children to control them…to abuse them basically…
Lately (Since starting emperor, I listen to a lot of German Hip Hop again…Sido…one song is called

Mum said:
Here is the English translation:

My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky? My mom said

I should be good, ever since day one (hey, hey)
“Put every dime in your piggy bank”
But I never wanted to be normal, that must be such a pain
That’s what they’ll say someday on my gravestone
Mom said
Blah-blah, but apparently (hey, hey)
I haven’t listened to anyone since I was young
I was supposed to become a cop, but that would be nonsense
'Cause then I’d have to keep arresting myself (ha-ha)
I was supposed to be a teacher, supposed to think about the future (hey, hey)
But as a teacher, I’d just skip school
Sorry, man, I’m kinda messed up
I don’t care what anyone else says

This is what I got…

My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky? My mom said

“Listen to your heart, boy, know your worth, boy” (hey, hey)
“Go your own way, you can learn from your mistakes, boy
You’re an astronaut, reach for the stars, boy
Only you set the limits, forget about geography”
Mom said, “Let things take their course” (hey, hey)
She said, “Boy, let your feelings out”
And that’s why I always barge in
That’s why I sometimes overshoot my mark
I know my teacher would’ve wanted it differently
But so what? (hey, hey) Now the whole wall is filled with gold
Mom said I’m cut from a different cloth
And today she says, “Son, mom is proud”

This is what I would have loved to hear…it shows me how to treat myself…

My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky?

I told my mom, “Mom, don’t worry” (hey, hey)
“No one ever died from messing around a little”
Mh, I don’t know why I make it so hard for myself
I know it’s hot, but I keep touching the stove
I dance out of line, even though I can’t dance (hey, hey)
Always talking like I’m sitting in the chancellor’s office (blah-blah)
You can only shut me up with duct tape
My therapist says I’m a bit nuts like a party gun (boom)
I don’t have time to grow up (hey, hey)
Life is tough, but I take it lightly
I’m annoying, loud, and cheeky
That I don’t feel sorry for it – well, I’m sorry

This is what I need to accept myself…

My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky? My mom said

This preserves the spirit and rhythm of the original text while translating the message into English.

According to human design I will always seek validation…its a weakpoint of the mind… so dont try to fill the why more…But I am starting to get faster seeing that I seek validation…like from that teacher…Better befriend my demons…

2. Reframe Your Self-Talk

  • Replace Criticism with Compassion: Start noticing critical thoughts about yourself and reframe them. For example, if you think, “I’m not good enough,” counter it by saying, “I am learning, growing, and already enough as I am.”
  • Affirm Your Worth: Use affirmations that resonate with you, like “I am worthy of love and respect just as I am” or “I am proud of who I am becoming.”

Reading this…I see…I AM DOING IT…I am doing the correct things

3. Create a Safe Space for Yourself

  • Honor Your Emotions: Let yourself feel without judgment. Giving yourself unconditional love means accepting every part of yourself, even the parts you struggle with.
  • Establish Boundaries: You may need to protect your energy by setting limits with people who make you feel inadequate. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out but about honoring your needs.

I am getting there…I may be a bit harsh with boundaries…and going all out…lets see with how this calibrates in the future…especially regarding this equal relationship thing…

4. Practice Self-Compassion and Forgiveness

  • Forgive Yourself for Mistakes: True self-love isn’t about perfection. It’s about accepting yourself despite your imperfections and forgiving yourself when things don’t go as planned.
  • Treat Yourself as You Would a Friend: When you’re feeling down, imagine what you’d say to a friend in your situation. Often, we’re kinder and more understanding with others than we are with ourselves.

I am learning all this…I can improve regarding the second thing…to look at myself from my best friends view…But for now its super helpful to have that friend to tell me all of that in physical reality :heart:

5. Focus on Your Values, Not Achievements

  • Clarify Your Values: List the values that define who you are, like kindness, honesty, or curiosity. Let these guide your actions, rather than constantly needing to prove what you can do.
  • Celebrate Growth, Not Perfection: Celebrate small personal wins, like being consistent in self-care or making time for your passions, rather than external accomplishments alone.

Wow…this is something new for me…So at some point its time to work on my values…celebrating growth is something that I start to do…sicne I found the :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: button…I may look a bit to much on achievements…

6. Engage in Regular Self-Care Practices

  • Find Joy in Being with Yourself: Do things that make you feel alive and connected to yourself. Spend time alone in nature, journal, read, or simply rest.
  • Embrace the Power of Mindfulness: Practice being present. When you feel drawn into comparing yourself to others or looking for validation, gently bring your attention back to the present and remind yourself that you are enough.

I am doing it…this is my journey :heavy_plus_sign:

7. Let Go of Perfectionism

  • Allow Yourself to Be Human: You’re not defined by every decision, success, or failure. Embracing your flaws as part of your wholeness will free you from the endless cycle of proving yourself.
  • Celebrate Self-Acceptance Over Self-Improvement: Personal growth is natural, but don’t view it as a means to make yourself “better” in the eyes of others. See it as a journey toward aligning with your truest self.

here I can grow…seeing growth as a Value of me…something that happens when I am myself and let go…and also somethings come to my mind…I dont have to do anything to grow…I just have to be…there is no doing needed…no forcing…Exactly what has not happened in my childhood…I wasnt allowed to jsut be a child…and then to outgrow being a child…I guess that somehow happened with the developmental trauma…whatever…not tell stories about the past…Now I am getting better and better at allowing myself to be a human and fucking up…And take the growth as something that happens out of myself when I let go

8. Commit to Loving Yourself Unconditionally

  • Make a Daily Commitment: Every day, remind yourself of your commitment to unconditional self-love. Imagine what a day filled with self-love looks like, and try to carry that feeling with you.
  • Write Yourself a Love Letter: In a journal, write about everything you appreciate about yourself. Revisit this letter whenever you need a reminder of your inherent worth.

it feels like I am doing it…by continously making the wise choice…I may be a bit to strict with myself…lets see…That love letter deeply triggers me… so I have to do it

Letting go of the need to prove yourself and embracing self-love takes time and patience. But with each small step, you’ll find greater freedom, self-acceptance, and peace within yourself.

A Love letter to myself
What do I love about you? I love your commitment to growth. I love your commitment and drive to become more and more of yourself. I love your honesty. I love how you forgive others. I love how concerned you are about not hurting someone else. I love how careful you are not to grow a to big ego and putting yourself above others. I love how radically you have become in letting go the things that are not good for you anymore, be it people, patterns or things. I love your commitment to staying in the present and regulating yourself. I love how you try to show up all the fucking time. I love how well you talk. I love your wisdom. I love your creativity…your creative approach to how to heal. I love you running heads in into fear. I love how you confront your demons heads on. I love how you can be gentle. I love how you can be rough and hard. I love your stregth. I love your power. I love your resiliance. I love how you get up again and again over and over again and try again.
I love you for how you ARE not for what you achieve.

#239

Something where I can massively improve my selflove…
is to ask myself how I feel and anwering honestly.
I feel lonely. I feel desperate. Feeling vulnerable right now. Tired. Exhausted. I am pushing myself quite in the weeks…and is I wrote this things…I let those feelings go…simply by acknolowding they are there…I have awoken again to my mature self.
I want to get more used to this feelings hygiene…all of those feelings will come again and again. Its time to stop resisting them. And to accept…also a grown up man can feel those things…and its no sign of weakness…Its no sign of not being adult to be vulnerable. Its a strength of a man to look inside and see these things.
I dont know where these feelings come from. I ask myself…are those feelings really my feelings? Are they artifacts of the past? It doesnt really matter…what I see…is that I can feel them and then they disappear…I can hold space for them fully.
And I see…I take care of them. I take measures to have more company. I take measures to take care of my energy levels. I take meassures of making pauses…I am okay with all of them…
And I start to see the impact of Emperor Daddy…the mature man who has seen it all…and who owns those feelings…
While feeling them, I felt like my old me…like a teenager…not like my adults self…being in my mamalian brain…not in my higher brain where I have control over my feelings.

Its actually really astonishing what this month has gotten me…I feel like a total different being. And this shows me that I have to move onward. So that this new me becomes my default me. Take good care of me. Nourish myself. Love myself in whatever state I am. Stick to myself in any moment.

:heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

#240

There is also some sadness coming up…and a feeling of injustice. Anger. Dissapointment. Joy. Its the inpatience…inpatience of not beeing where a part would like to be…To not see the level of success I am feeling withhin me in outside world…and I sense…some part wants prove again. Wants to be seen by the world for all this transformation I am goingt through…But the most important person in my life sees it…Myself…Isnt that enough? Something thinks that I can buy something with that inner feeling of success…buts that not how it works…
But I am sure…that everything will unfold beautifully in my future. I am sure that a bright future lies before me. I have hope. I have confidence. And I also see…that this transformation that I am going through has to be rock solid. Because in outside world this success will get challenged. And I am actually quite happy that right now, I am only challanged by myself…
in two days a big challange awaits me…birthday party of someone from my family. Lets see how I can stay there in myself. See it as a challenge to integrate that new me. A challenge to stay true to myself