Going to the temple today…tiredness was reccon. I feel there is a recalabration needed of how much I surrender to the body and how much to control the body.
Lets see what happens. I wanna be bold. And try out my new self in this space. Approach it like noone knows me. Approach it like I have nothing to lose only to win. Not caring at all if anyone thinks anything about me when I am rejected or to flirty or to sexual.
Temple yesterday was intense…
We were standing in a circle…you could go into the middle and say Stand with me if you ……the intention is to either find people who want to do the same stuff this evening or to reduce shame…
I felt a lump in my throat that something wants to be expressed… Stand with me if you only had sex in relationship…on other guy was standing with me… as if this wasnt hard enough…one guy commented (which is strictly agaisnt the rules)…ahh the good guys…
I instantly exploded asking him what the fuck he was doing. Someone shows himself vulnerable and he puts the finger into the wound. He became very small…he later came to me to excuse himself…I forgave him…but in hindsigth I saw how I forgave him because I “should forgive him”…because its good, spiritual and also good for me…but today I am again fucking angry at this fucktard.
What I learned though…I can take care of my boundaries. I call people out on the spot if something feels off.
I know I am triggered because of a deeper wound…I feel like everyone in that community has so much experience and a sex life. And I havent. Its envy. Its bitterness.
And again I am fucking angry that I cant use my strengths for seduction…or actually I can…its only frowned upon. But I dont give any fucks anymore. I dont want to hold back.
I am angry for not being seen. I am angry that my knowledge isnt valued enough…but I see it myself now…I dont value it enough. I give it away for free. I need to stop that.
I am realizing i am in an emotional loop.
Felt like going for my Sub loop for today…Alchemist 4. I kinda felt like listening to more…gave it 8 minutes…lets see what happens.
I instantly feel calmer. In control again. It feels like this last week Alchemist has been missing from my stack. Should give it the highest priority.
My throath hurts today. Afraid to get sick, as in 2 days my next retreat starts.
After listening to alchemist and calming down a bit…I definitley am not completleyx healthy. Super rest day today.
Nearly allowed myself to bingewatch all day long. Had some Rapé…if I rest, I rest properly. watching tv wont help me with regenerating faster.
There was a ritual yesterday…What is required for you to feel like a god?
I remembered how it was with my ex-gf…I truly felt like a god…because she NEEDED ME…like she was obsessed with me…she truly fell in love with me…
I see it again. I want such a relationship again. With my exwife I never felt that way. But this…was simply on another level…this feeling that a woman simply WANTS me…and wants more and more of me… This was the first time that I have experienced this. I am sure it was not the last time…but I start to see that this is what I deeply long for.
It seems like it was to early to write heartsong off…Its strange that when I listened to it longer I started to again long for casual experiences…maybe this is just recon…
It takes a lot of willpower not to turn on netflix today.
As I am relaxing more Istart to realize…when I get sick and cant get to the retreat…its supposed to be. Then its the universe protecting me from something.
8 Mins of Paragon. Instantly Knocked me out. Slept for 1.5 hours.
Its very very interesting how even a small dose of rape brings me back into Emperor daddy executing.
All these subliminals indeed have something to do with the different brain regions. And its all about recognizing…hey I am in the emotional brain again…I am not at a place where I am in control of myself…what can I do right now to get in control of myself…
- Nicotine is a fast solution…but yeah, addictive
- Calling my friend helps. To regulate when we meditate together over the phone and he sends me energy.
- Meditation, Breathwork, Yoga
I ask myself if I as an adult can watch something on tv for a bit. But again I realise. No. Its not healthy for me. I dont want to fill that in my brain. If I want some external stimulation, I could do the second class of my course.
So lets see…Paragon, sleeping, listening to healing frequencies…now its up to destiny if I am going there or not. If I am worse tomorrow morning than I was today its definitley a no. If I am better I have to rest the whole day.
I am proud for not yielding to any degenerate behaviour today. Was very strong.
It was interesting to study the spiritual meaning of this sickness today…it sounds like me voicing all of my concerns to my mother started this healing crisis.
Had a nice talk with a friend…hes a bit of a psychic and said that there is some energetic paracite circling around me…and upon that I started to tell him the stuff about my mother…and I really let my anger go…it was really helpful and I felt so much healthier after our talk. Also after listening to alchemist today, I am feeling a lot of energies cursing through my body. dunnoh if it is alchemist processing or the energetic ways a sickness impacts the body…I have heard it allready that many traditions say that a common cold is a purging process…I hope this purge only lasted a day 
Well…not totally healthy today…The new me, thats created by the Emperor…The adult me…says…let it go…do the wise choice……So i had a talk with the organizer…and seemingly it is problematic to stay away when sick. She told me to talk again to her in the evening…and then we can talk what refund is possible…I told her from the getgo that if no full refund is possible I am going to come.
There is again this dissonance…on the one hand she wrote in her invitation mail not to come if anyone has any symptoms. And on the other hand then no refund is possible.
Was at the pharmacy…just 20 minutes of walking made me super tired again and drained. No way I am getting into my car for 4.5 hours tomorrow.
Talked with the organizer here in austria. She will help me with the refund. Ill go to the doctor in the afternoon and get some paperwork prepared so this illness is documented.
There is the continous pull to start watching youtube and netflix again. But I resist. It would bring me joy most likely and make my healing faster…but it would also make this a new habbit. I wanna quit with all of that consumption. I wanna be better.
I imagine how proud and strong I will feel when this illness is over and I havent yielded to it again.
I should do one of my courses during this sickness. This owuld be the best.
From this:
To this only two months later:
Boundaries are established.
Amazing progress. The emperor inside you awakens, my congratulations!
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Actually…no…I failed there. I made the decision before that I am to sick…and she kinda talked me back in again. It may be resistance of the ego before such a transformation and whatever…I let myself be drawn back in and nearly compromised my experience. Some voice in my head was already be careful…Think back…you should never listen to anyone tell you “do more do more”…neither to yourself nor to someone else…only listen to advices to do less
I failed there. If I go to a 2100€ program for a week I want to get there in perfect health. The thought of simply losing money made me weak. I also dont want to use any medication to push my body beyond its limits and I was ready to do that.
But I am gonna get the full refund. Gonna go to the doctor in 10 minutes and ask for a medical letter that a travel to another country is medically unwise and that I need to stay in bed for some days. And the organizer of Austria allready knows my case and will assist me with getting my refund.
On the website they say “serious illness”…this is kinda open to interpretation…but I am sure my doctor will help me there.
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This really hits deep about this last months…i am really starting to get in touch with my demons and everything since i stopped using things to alter my feeling state. No more media, no more weed, no porn, noasturbation (or rarely). No woman in my life. Just me facing reality.
It feels like i have hit rock bottom. And when i write this. This is a really good thing. I got rid of all the unhealthy copig strategies… yeah, now while sick i spend to much time in this forum…so what…
The work i went through in this last months has really brought in depth changes. The wax i was able to express boundaries to my mother some days ago was something i couldnt have imagined doing for quite some time. I am in completely new terrain.
Also I am very proud of myself for stepping back on this retreat. For letting it go and surrendering to my body. That is true selflove, self care and self nurturing.
I have been thinking avout the future subs i want to listen to…i kind feel that i am not finished with alchemist yet…and singularity is coming up…as is mindseye…yeah i know…i want it all…Considering to make a alchemist+singularity custom…for some more in depth transformation…
Emperor daddy will stay…for quite some time i guess…Limitless sounds seductive…but i dont know where i have space for it…
It feels like i am not finished with heartsong…heartsong has healed me more than lovebomb it feels like. Reading through the heartsong comments also showed me how much healing is possible with it…and this mommy and daddy issues that it has thrown up for me where an in depth process for me.
Regarding what i am looking for…just fun or a relationship? I dont know…it all depends what one means with a relationship. There is the part withhin me that longs for someone to walk this lifepath together with…longing to have someone living with me…but also another parth that wants freedom…so i guess having a gf that could stay the weekend with me and then has her own life for the rest of the week would be nice…
I realized that i had this tendency to fall in love with any woman i had sex with (other than the prostitutes)…i ask myself if i would like to change that…i ask myself if i actually want to experience free love…i fear that it involves a lot of heartbreak for me. Like a serious amount.
But on the other hand i deeply long to be a guy that is desired by woman. I really want to get there. Be the guy that woman try to seduce. Be the guy that woman want. I guess emperor daddy will get me there. I need foundation…and maybe at one point wanted black can come in. Right now i dont have the life to really get to know a lot of woman. Right now it would be better to jsut get to know one and have a healing realtionship. Something to rebuild trust. For the first time to have a healthy relationship with a woman…knowing that this one wont be “the one”…and that ill find an even better one if i let go of her at some point.
Retreat is cancelled…I am gonna get all back but a small fee.
A lot of sadness is coming up now that its final. I was really looking forward to that initiation…but I see it as a sign…its not the time to do that course now.
Its time to rest. Its time to get healthy and maybe do a bit of planning for my thailand journey.
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Feeling frustrated. I was really looking forward to that retreat…since nearly half a year. Deep spiritual processes and intiations. I feel like screaming but know it will damage my thoath further. Grateful for my journal. Grateful for having a beautiful talk with a woman I met in an online course…she has nearly exactly the same human design as me…
It was nice to talk to her…and also hear some of the female views regarding partnership and human design…
I saw how deep I am still conditioned in regards to relationship. Id like to go into a relationship with a completley open mind…and create something unique…something that hasnt been here before…
I think it’s only in podcast form.
good! 
Illness has reached the snotrocket phase…So happy that I dont have to drive multiple hours today.
Normally in the snot phase, the rest of the illness starts to subside…
I am proud for really not yielding to going back to watching series. I think today ill be over it. Ill do some courses today I think.
Ill wait with listening to the next loop of EmpD for now. Let the body regenerate.
Cooking a nice batch of chicken soup. Should last like 2-3 days.
Have to be really careful with boredom today.
Feeling lonely today. Thinking back on how it was when I was with my exwife when I was ill…and she took care of me…also my ex-gf when she brought me some soup. Longing for that feeling to be cared for. To have someone in my life who genuinely wants to care for me. Not like my parents…but someone who chooses out of free will to take care of me.
I am starting to see it more…What I am actually lacking in my life is recognition. Beeing seen by someone. Beeing seen for who I am. Feeling welcome in this world with all my parts. And part of that is my sexuality. I dont know how to do that by myself.
Crying…I seem to get more healthy again 
There is the big wish to have someone (a woman) living with me again…and also the fear that I cant be myself then anymore…but the woman I spoke with yesterday told me that she has arrived at a relationship where she can be truly herself…where it wouldnt be an issue when she would travel to bali for half a year. I want such a relationship…where I can still continue my journey into spirituality, shamanism and yoga in the same way as I am doing alone…maybe a little bit slower…with a bit more grounding…but more depth because of it.
A big topic withhin myself that I havent found clearness yet is if I want an open relationship or not. Part of me wishes for that…and another part is deeply afraid from all the jealousy processes that would bring. And all the trust it requires for the other person. That my partner could take care of herself.
With my ex-gf we actually had a talk about this…but I chickened out…the thought of her having all this crazy sex that we were having with someone else filled me with disgust…and there was this other voice…if she would show herself so vulnerable as she did with me…I couldnt protect her…and I dont want to be the man that then has to do the “repair work” after she got hurt…
With her it was a rather spicy topic…because the only other man she would be interested in was her boss…she had a one night stand with him during a business event…this was actually the cause of her marriage exploding…
like I would have a bit of an understanding for an open relationship where some one night stands or adventures during a temple event or vacation could happen…
But a full on second relationship with someone who has ACTUAL power over her life…this was way to much competition for me. And also that this was a full blown affair, out of consent. The only way for this would be possible would be with full consent on all sides. Full knowledge and clear communication that there is a relationship that has priority.
And there is the danger of falling in love…I have never been there…to have a sexual realtionship without feeling emerging. I dont know if it is possible…well with the prostitutes it was possible for me…but I made the rule for myself to go to any prostitute just once. To take care that no feelings are emerging. That this level of connections doesnt go over the critical threshhold. Because I learned how much pain it causes to dissolve a connection when this critical threshhold has been surpassed.
I feel like that this would be a hard boundary. No feelings for someone else. No falling in love. No further contact after a sexual encounter. Purely casual…
And this is also something that a part of me wants to experience. Purely casual sexual contact. No strings attached. There is a fear…I dont know if that is possible. But I would deeply like to try it out…
Lets see what this thailand journey will bring…having my bestfriend with me…maybe meeting two girls traveling together…going to dinner togehter…I allready told myself…if we go for food and see two girls, I am going to ask them to have food together. During traveling all this talking to woman is so much easier, because there is so much more common ground.
Feeling some frustration and anger.
I want to become stronger from my core.
I used to own a lot of guns. Was going to the shooting range every week with my friends. I loved it.
Sold most of them when I became more “spiritual” and started to believe by owning them I am manifesting the case that I would need to use them at a point…but I start to see how this spiritual believe was basically like being an ostrich and putting my head into the ground. All of that what i did…since 2 years I dont consume any news anymore…I feel like it was super important. To protect me during me cocooning…
Its coming again and again that I would like to own an AR-15 again…in case any serious civil war situation breaks out…or Zombie apocalypse…or in case the russians come invading…
I know its just an illusion of safety…but…so what? Is it bad that it makes me feel safer? Even though its no use? Welll…I dont really like living in illusions. It all comes back to the internal feeling of safety and power…
I want more of that. I guess emperor is bringing me that…I am in the process of developing it…
I am allready very curious of how I will have changed when this sickness is over. I feel a lot of energy moving in me. And I feel so proud of myself not yielding to any coping behavior during it. Everytime I write that down…a part of me is wishing to get any outside validation for it. I am honest. I am looking for outside validation. And I feel ashamed for it. And as I wrote this down. I found that button withhin me again…that button that I need to press to give myself validation. That Button when I press it I feel strong and confident. That button that I found on ayahuasca 2 months ago. That button that awakens the Killer in me…that button that say I dont care about anyone else but myself anymore. I dont think about anyone else anymore…I dont compare myself.
What comes up: I have been practising to look at myself from the outside in the last weeks…to look at myself through a neutral view…to look at myself and see the patterns that dominate my life…Looking for validation, not knowing when enough is enough, runnign away from confrontation, not letting go of things not being good for me, yielding to pressure from outside, trying to solve problems that dont matter to me, trying to find thruth…these are the not self themes that are valid for me from human design. I got a lot of them…When I make choices out of any of those reasons it fucks up my life. It leads to bitterness…
It beautiful to find a balance. I feel its important to be able to look at myself from the outside…but its of the same importance that I can live my life innocently…not doubting everything…but as I write this down. The truth is in the middle…At the retreat last month, the teacher shared a Zen Buddhistic saying: Small doubt, small sattori…Big doubt, big sattori…
I start to see it. Human design gives me the keys to a metric of how to doubt myself. I want this to be engrained in my subconciousness.
I would love to have a subliminal that would engrain my human design…a tool to create custom subliminals from the human design of someone…that would be super awesome…
I am starting to feel subliminals processing/executing again. I feel it in my head.
I am realizing more about the open head center of human design…its not only thinking about other persons problems…its also actually trying to solve other peoples problems in outside reality. I have been caring way to much on my parents side and view of this house problem. I have been looking at this situation way to much through their lens.
I start to see what it actually means to love someone unconditionally…it means not to try to make them happy anymore. It truly means being myself and only looking after me.
It means truly to create a wall between me and other persons. And only letting through the most trustworthiest.
The open Ego
The biggest attackpoint for the not-self as it is called in human design in my chart is the open Ego center. Trying to prove my worth…I am asking myself…where am I trying to prove my worth? Is my masculinity journey and my wish to have sex driven by wanting to prove my worth? A voice in my head says yes…but another deep part withhin me says…No this is my lifes journey…I want to be a stron authentic man. I want to stand in my power. In my unique way.
Am I trying to prove my worth by detaching from my parents? NO
Am I trying to prove my worth by wanting to be attractive to woman? YES
Am I trying to prove my worth by wanting to want woman to have sex with me? YES
Am I trying to prove my worth by wanting to be an amazing ayahuasca shaman? Wanting to be able to cure people? YES
Am I trying to prove my worth by writing so much here in my journal? NO
Am I trying to prove my worth by wanting to be seen? NO
Am I trying to prove my worth by taking good care of myself? NO
Am I trying to prove my worth by stopping the use of rapé for that retreat? YES but there is also an authentic caring part that doesnt want me to be addicted to it…currently I would say that I am dependend on it…but I also depend on my best friend…
I used to be like that I didnt want to be dependend on anything…not any person, not any food, not any attachment…It was only trying to prove my worth. To my spiritual guru…to this yogic “believe system”…
This brings me to the next center…
The open Anja
The open Anja is about trying to be certain of things. Trying to find a certain opinion that allways counts. Trying to find mental concepts that I can align my life to…
Yogic believe systems…Shamanic believe systems…thinking that those are the only truth and then proving my worth by being able to stick to them and abiding all the rules…
It all comes down to the aspect of inner power and self trust again…to trust into my own truths…but at the same time to doubt them…and know that those are just temporary truths that are only valid till they are not valid anymore.
The open sacral
The open sacral is a very important part of my chart. It is what makes me a projector…and the big topic of it is…not knowing when enough is enough…and with the open ego: Trying to prove myself by showing how much I can work and do.
My father is also a projector…and he behaves exactly like this…proving his worth by working working and working. I was the same till my burnout. I still have those tendencys…part of human design is that those topics are never over…this is the openness…the area where the program can attack me and try to get me of my course. Where it tries to homogenise me…to make me like everyone else…
I feel like I have done a lot with this center. Still…going tho this retreat…creating a full schedule for myself…is kinda the topic here. Inability to rest. Still much to learn. But I am getting there.
The open Spleen
The open spleen is all about holding onto things that arent good for me…this could be believes. Things in my life…substances…like alcohol or weed used to be…(Rapé??)…
But a chat GPT research also showed me…hoilding onto anxietys and fears of others…I havent thought about that yet. I havent thought about that all those fears running through my mind couldnt be of me…there is nothing to fear…I am following my own guidance…I want to let go of them…especially from my mother I copied a lot of fears…she also has an open spleen…and her life is filled with fears…and she cant let go of anything…but thats not me…I want to disidentify from it. Thank you for giving me those energies. Thank you, they brought my to where I am now. But I no longer need them. I give you those energies back. Thank you, I love you. I forgive you, please forgive me…
The open solarplexus
The solarplexus is all about emotions. Someone with an defined solarplexus goes through an emotional wave…all the time…there is nothing to be done about it. Its an important part of their being as these emotions create wisdom for them…I dont ahve that defined. Neither does my dad…(i sense a dissonance…I want to write dad, but another part wants to write father…I am not fully disconected to him yet.). My mother (with her its easy not to write mum) has it…this means she has a lot of emotional power. She can fight…The big topic of an open solarplexus is not engaging any fights…because in a fight the person with an open emo center will feel the emotions amplified. Double the anger. Double the sadness… and the result is evading confrontations…fear of emotional discomfort…I completley ran away from all confrontations with my exwife…also with my parents…but I start to see…I get better and better with this. The emperor really helps me out with that. I get better and better handling emotional discomfort…wow…the amount of emotional discomfort I went through when I quit weed was crazy. Also the emotional discomfort in the last 2 days during beeing sick…not distracting myself from it…I start to see how this all weaves together…
And I see how strong I have become…still I want to become even stronger…why? To prove my worth? No…because I want to be able to go for whatever I want and not run away from any conflict anymore. I want to be able to look the dragon in its eye…
I start to see how this open solarplexus theme and fear of colflict binds together with me repressing my dark masculine…and why I resist it…The dark masculine creates conflict. It pushes buttons. It doesnt care about anyone else. It only cares about itself (in my case now…sure it also fights for loved ones that need to be protected).
I start to see how this will come more and more the more emotionally mature I get, the more frustration I can tolerate and the more capable my energetic body becomes…
Really looking forward to Alchemist: Singularity…I am quite sure that I will create a custom with it.