Havingy soup now…filled with love and joy that i can take care of myself. That I can take care of myself properly.
The 8 min loop of alchemist is indeed manifesting itself…feeling the ayahuasca energy entering my being again…even though I havent ingested any substance.
A lot of shame is being purged from me…shame for yielding to outside energies. Shame for only now stepping into my power…Shame for making so many wrong decisions in my life…But on the other hand I know…i didnt know better…until human design I didnt know how to make decisions as myself…Not knowing is no cause for shame… even though my parents thought me this…isnt this ridicolous? there is a german saying unwissenheit schützt nicht vor strafe…not knowing doesnt save one from punishment…
Quite ridiculous in what a world we have arrived…(a lot of anger is coming up)…a society that tells its part what is okay and what not. A society where its parts arent allowed to express their creativity fully. A society that kills individuality and limits it. But as I write this down…this is exactly what human design describes in the different circuits…individual, collective and tribal…the collective hates when the individual brings soemthing new…that is out of pattern, out of order…the tribe doesnt like it when the individual brings something new…but after some resistance is happy that some change has happened that makes the tribe stronger…
I feel more anger. Anger for not being free… Anger for being trapped in that enmeshment with my parents…And I see again…I want to be validated by them for becoming an adult…
I am running away from something that my spiritual ego doesnt want to allow me to say: My parents are fools…my best friend told me that he and his brother realized this when they were like 10 years old…
I guess its part of becoming adult to at one point say…my parents are idiots…they dont know everything……well maybe its just they are failable human beings…that got conditioned during a complete different timeframe…
Still…from my personal view…they are idiots. I shouldnt give any more fucks about the opinions an idiot has about me…a voice inside me says…“I give value to the opinion anyone ahs of me…I want to be liked by everyone…”…but I hear this voice in a childish voice. This is childish wishful thinking. Living in a perfect hare krishna world where everyone likes each other and where there are rivers of nectars and trees on which choclate grows.
Its time for my inner child to grow up and face reality. But as I am writing this down…I start to see how this is exactly what my parents did to me…force me to grow up…the magical inner child has its place…but its important to remember…its just a child…it has this beautiful innocet view of the world…but it has no power to change the world…this stream of energy goes up to the adult…and I can get this view…hope…but its important not to get lost in fantasies…not to take the fantasy for real…out of fear of reality.
This course I am taking now…is really helping me…
And is shedding light onto some part of spirituality that I was missing…
A lot of spirituality is about disidentifying one from their story…the state that then is reached is Enlightenment…true emptiness…one becomes noone…
But what after that? I knew all the time that I wouldnt want to end in an ashram?
The next step…is about to start to see oneself in the grander story…in the story of whole humanity one might say…and asking oneself…What do I bring to this world?
Hmmm…a lot going on right now…I really gratefull that I am mentally good again…and just use this day to chill on the couch and do my process 
Kitchen needs to be cleaned though…I am doing it fast before starting with my homework from my shamanic teacher…
So my homework is to write down what I do unterstand about those words (this is just what comes intuitively)…
Contract A binding agreement between to parties, regulating how they interact with each other…has to be conciously being agreed to by both parties
Energetic contract an energetic (subconcious) agreement between two entities, regulating how to treat each other, what duties one has to the other and what can one claim of the other…I somehow feel that this includes a lot of shadows…
Soul contract something that was decided upon on before I was born. From some higher self, destiny, god whatever. Agreements about our paths together. I dont know if it is possibe to ever know whats in there. Those are made in full consent of both parties and I guess they cannot be changed (but transform with time or progress through evolution of karma)
Energetic chains i would say those are onedirectional…when one party projects needs, duties, rules onto the other, without their concious agreement. I guess they can be dissolved when the party that didnt agree realized that the other expects agreement. Whats the difference to chords?
So much for that homework…now a nap 
Layed down…started crying…a childish voice inside of me said I dont want to lose my mother…I see that my inner child still has the illusion that my actual mother will be that perfect mother someday…but its just an illusion…I wont find that mother in her…
Its interesting…I bought a course about healing from narcissitic abuse I think 2 years ago…never completed it…thinking of it again now…maybe its time…
Started the course again…super interesting…it starts with subconcious contracts…
First step is the bait…what did my mom bait me in with? No woman will ever love you as much as I do…I will allways take care of you…I will allways love you…
Or as this course says: “If you do as your told…I will function as a parent and not only as a egg donor”…It all comes down to transactional love…as he says…this bait is never to be given…jsut as my mother never fully gave that love. Allways a carrot on a stick.
…wow his part about the sadness that comes…and stories about “your never going to have sex like this”…my ex-wife used to say that…
And the part about the narcissistic mum…you never had a mum. and you never will…
Dont run, dont flee…acceot the loss…the only thing you lose is the illusion. I would have never gotten that unconditional love from my mother anyhow…also not from my father…they are human beings…and then my realization No human being is gonna give me the love i long for. its impossible to find that in the outside. I can only find it in the inside.
Youre gonna feel stupid…yes…i feel stupid for believing that any human being would love me unconditional…whatever I do…however I change…
My parents didnt even have the power to love me unconditional, because they cant even love themselves or their partners unconditional…
wow…looking for a relationship to transcend all the pain…guilty…
As your griefing…you are gonna grow up…this is whats happening in the last month…everyday i cry for like 30min to an hour…and I become more adult and adult…griefing that I never had a father and a mother.
Also my ex…she wasnt special…I projected so much onto her. I made her to special…
She was jsut a woman trying to seduce me sexually to take financial care of her in her fucked up situation…I bought into the believe that she would love me simply for who I am…she even told me once that she thought of me as an “exit strategy”…she was icecold and brutally calculating…but she hid it under her vulnerability…
Even this one video brought up a lot of sadness again…but also a sense of freedom…a sense of redemption and freedom. Its over…I am breaking out of the illusion. I feel indeed stupid…I was running after a fantasy…that unconditional love from any human being is possible…any other human beeing…I can only give that to myself…or actually try to give that to myself…as I am also simply an human being…
I start to see how this illusion goes into spirituality… thinking if I do enough spiritual practice I will have that unconditional selflove…
I see it now…selflove is an uphill battle. And thats okay. it needs work and effort to love myself. It will be a lifelong journey. I will have to put continous effort into this. All my life. It wont be over at a certain point…
It feels sad to have this realization…but at the same time…it feels adult. realistic. grounded in reality…something withhin me relaxes…there is no more demand on myself to be more than a human being. No more demand that I need to be a saint. No more need to prove myself with loving myself unconditionally…deep acceptance of me as an whole.
Crying…
And then a sudden realization…all this effort I have been putting into myself this last month…I havent seriously spiraled once this last month. Continuous growth…maybe this is the unconditional selflove I am looking for…this commitment to myself. To choosing the right thing rather than the comfortable thing…
Having an online session with my theraphist now…she had time shortterm…felt like it would be good to have someone to talk to when I spend so much time alone…also this is self love, care and nurturing.
Took part in an Astrology workshop about the movement of pluto to aquarius…we did a pracctice where we felt the energies of the changes of the next half year…and some crazy changes are going to come in my life the next half year…its gonna be a good time…an amazing time!
Also I had a talk with my buddy from the US…it seems this sexuality topic is more important for me than I admit to myself…I think i am gonna switch some of my subs for my vacation…Either SSX or Wanted Black…or both. I need to go there…even though I am so afraid of it. But as I know…where the biggest fear lies lies the biggest gems…
Still sick…kinda sick of it XD…cant be to bad if Im starting to joke…
My mother sent me some news article about long covid today…again doing like nothing has happened and there is no issue between us…
Pushed me into an anger spiral again…that my parents didnt make me an adult, that they didnt cut the umbrical chord…but then the realization came…I am an adult man…I can simply behave like an adult man…I can simply not ask any help from them anymore. If we dont manage to find a solution with the house…I can simply say I dont want your help anymore. I take care of this…
I am definitley growing up…late…but so be it. Better late than never…
Sunday was the last loop of alchemist…Kinda hesitant to start listening again…listened to some minutes of Paragon yesterday before going to bed…
Asking myself what to do with my day…There are multiple courses that I can do…I buy a bit to many of them…the preparation course for thailand…a human design masterclass I bought yesterday…this narcissism course…shamanism course…
Currently I only feel resonance for the human design masterclass and the narcissm course…Ill start with the human design masterclass for now…
Its ridiculous how big the impact of food is on me…had my regular breakfast again and it put me into my adult self again…and I felt…Its time to listen to subs again. 5mins of EmpD, 3 mins of Heartson (but with some concious guidance not to attract The one).
While listening to heartsong. I realized how important it is to have a goal in life…to have a direction. And to focus on that…again…this Half full, half empty cup topic…if on my healing journey I jsut try to get rid of stuff…thats not fun…its important to fill my life with joyous things aswell…
But I realized this some weeks ago allready during work with ayahuasca…there is the process of purging…getting rid of negativity and healing…creating something new positive that fills that space that was now opened up…
I start to see how my best friend and I were just doing the purging stuff…and by not putting in enough beautiful stuff…stuff to purge is coming up again and again. We were believing that at some point the wish to do something else will come…and I feel like its a partial truth…because what comes up under all this purging is kinda rough…atleast for me…its a big wish…I want to be a successful, attractive, wise man who is chased by woman. This is my goal. Fuck the why. I mean…what man doesnt want this?
And I get it. This requires hard work. This requires to put in the work. And I am doing that since a month. It will require more hard work. For the rest of my life…I need to correct myself though. It doesnt require hard work. It requires smart work. It requires wise choices. It requires letting go of comfort. There is a fear inside of me that this route of spirituality that I am currently researching wont get me there…but I start to see…these learnings in spirituality make me the ultimate universal genius. By understanding energy work, Humans, their psyche, and how all of these things transform…I will be able to be a coach and guide for everything…but maybe my interest will change…lets see…
Some things to celebrate:
-) My inner teenager (that state of mind when I am in recoon and driven by emotions), starts to realize that its a teenager…and most likely does dumb choices when following its desires…which is a big thing. yesterday all day long i was in a kinda bad state, in this emotional teenager state and wanted to watch netflix all day long…but i knew would be dumb…there was no longer the strict adult hand needed…I can start to trust myself.
-) These last days of sickness are showing me a lot. I am starting to see how early I am still on my journey…and to stress myself less…I have barely cut the umbrical chord from my parents…get this done…then properly heal that CPTSD when I am in a safe place in my life…(maybe somewhere at the Beach?)…this then would also be the perfect point of time to experience sexuality some more…I know I tell myself wait and wait and wait…but Austria is a shithole for dating and relating. I remember how it was in Goa/India when I was there…far easier. Still…when I am healthy I want to lay the foudnation work again…talk with stranger people on the regular. Get better with smalltalk.
What I got in these last days is a vertain level of humbleness. I want to be a man that attracts woman easily? Then have this live…have your issues sorted out. Have your mommy and daddy issues sorted out. And I am doing that.
Yesterdays understanding about unconditional love…feels very deep.
I talked with my theraphist about it…and she said it important to acknowledge that longing for unconditional love…and by acknowlodging that longing being guided by it in life. Run after love…but not in the outside…do that from the inside. Love myself whatever it takes. Love every part of myself whatever it takes.
My friend from the US told me yesterday about his understanding of romantic love…that romantic love is not about any needed from the other person…its a about a wish to witness the other person…in their fullness, with all their parts, with all their imperfections…and to also witness them on their journey through life…
I see how I am starting to feel that level of love for my best friend. Not in a sexual way. But in a way that I fully accept him how he is. That I start to see him beyond the projections I put on him. That I start to see his flaws…and that those are okay…
I wished from him many time that he holds me a bit more responisble…pushes me a bit to make the wise choices…but somehow…he doesnt want to do that…and thats okay. Maybe because he cannot give that to himself yet…and thats okay. I start to see how this opens me up to have my own back. To become self sufficent. And not to rely on him for this. And this is a big present for me. I really love that guy. I am so grateful for having him in my life. I wouldnt know what to do without him. He is the Archetype of the spiritual best friend. I am blessed and grateful for being gifted with such a friendship in my life.
I often ask myself how to give him something back for all the help hes giving me…
and the best thing that comes to my mind is to plan our thailand trip…we both hate to do it…but its far easier for me to do when I say…I do this to show my gratitude to him…
So off for some travel planning.
3 hours of travel planning…it feels good to have done something productive.
Its interesting. After listening to the emperor I dont feel the pull anymore to continue those courses. And this is quite interesting. I ask myself why…does the adult/Emperor me not feel that those are wise investments of time? No I think those are. But its interesting…I dont look at those courses anymore as a way of stimulation…not looking for something to do…not looking for a hole to fill…but rather I need to make a concious choice to start taking that course. Something in me has resistance to simply watch a video and consume.
Id rather write here in my journal and see where it leads me to.
It feel more productive. It feel like there something is emerging out of me that is coming deeper from the inside.
What I wanted to work on since some days is the relationship of me with my father…
So what to say…He is a hardworking guy. I have the deepest respect for that aspect of him. But what he doesnt do: He doesnt work for himself. He works for his wife. For his family. And he drains himself by doing so. It was so interesting to study his human design. He lives his notself. He works to prove his worth and doesnt know when enough is enough. And he is afraid of conflict and is looking for love and direction…these would be his notself promts. I was quite the same before my awakening.
Am I trying to prove myself to him? Yes I guess so…but by a far lesser extend than with my mother. The thing with him is more that he is in victim mentality…my mom even tries to play this out…“oh look what you do to your father…as you arent doing these things you father has to do it and he is so poor and in a bad state of health”…
The thing is…this victim mentality doesnt work with me anymore. My father is an adult capable man. Its up to him to set boundaries.
I definitley see his tendency of trying to protect others and not call others out in me…
What I have been processing quite heavily in the last days is how I want my future relationships to be…If I want a relationship on eye level…or if I want a relationship “where I am the strong man…” the captain of the ship…the one who gives direction…And I start to see…I am taking on my fathers role again…he is indeed the captain of the ship in his work…as a pilot. But I dont have to be. Id rather not take full responsibility for another human being. A polarized relationship…Masculine/Feminine…Dom/Sub…is something that is very alluring to me…but it takes a lot of responsibility…and energy. Energy I dont have as a projector. But I guess its not a thing of black and white.
I guess in a perfect relationship (until the point where a child is an option, but I dont want to think so far)…we would be both self sustaining adults. And when we meet we celebrate life. Sure there is also the option to help each other out. Actually…I would like to get to a point where sexuality doesnt change the dynamics of a friendship. Where an friendship is possible with a woman just like I have it with a man, with the addition of physical intimacy…and not dropping back into any patterns brought on by parents. And to have phases where a polarized dynamic can play out…and then to end that polarized relationship again.
Back to my father…Am I ready to let go of him as the perfect father? YES. He wasnt the perfect father. He tried his best. He gave his best. In some areas he made me a man…learning how to solve problems. Learning me how to do stuff with my hands. Soldering. Doing construction work. Being intelligent. But in other areas he failed me. He never said: Your a man, try it yourself before asking for help. He never directed me at my own power. He was overprotective. Not allowing me to make my own faults…as then he would have to be the one who repairs them…
Especially as in our family a lot is on the line mostly…owning property etc…when the goal is to have a perfect outcome…and this is required for me…a sentence comes to my mind…If you want to have it done properly, you have to do it yourself…yes…this is him…overcontroling…
I see this tendency in myself regarding my ex-gf…I wanted to save her from faults and failing. I wanted to protect her. I dont know how healthy this behaviour is…
As I write this…a horror scenario comes to my mind that keeps me from having an open relationship…I imagine a woman having a bad sexual experience with someone. Someone hurting them…and then me having to take care of her…working through that trauma…
But there are also fears included…fears that when a woman spends time with another man…that she changes in a way I dont like…I start to see…its only projected on sexuality here…but this is a fear that goes much deeper…A fear that I get in a relationship…fall in love…be all in…and then the person developes in a way that this person want to get out of my life…this is what happened with my ex-wife…I feel a lump in my throat. And something in my chest. There is still a wound.
This narcisism course has brought me to face the narcissist inside me. Where I have narcisistic behaviours. Controling behaviors. And I guess thats okay. Its okay that I have decided that I wont go all in with a woman anymore. That I want financial division. Some sort of independence. I somehow feel bad for this. I guess woman would call me damaged and emotional unavailable. And thats okay.
I recently in the temple realized that I dont have to heal everything. Dont have to be okay with everything. Its rather important that I protect my wounds. And look good after myself.
Sadness comes up. The betrayal of my ex-wife still is hurting in me…Some idea comes to me…That illusion I had…that I could find someone for life. Someone who never drops me…its an illusion. I wont go there anmore…and thats okay and healthy…there is only one person that I will never drop…and allways love unconditional…and that is myself. Every other human being will come secondary to that. And thats okay. Its time to say goodbye to that illusion…that there will be another human being that will allways be there for me. Accept me no mather what…It feels like I have uncovered a deep spiritual truth.
I started to sense that I spiral…into this hole of pain…
And I realized…there is shame attached.
Shame that I couldnt hold a woman…shame that I fucked up my marriage. Shame that I couldnt repair it. Shame that I couldnt contain my woman…
I forgive myself. I forgive myself for fucking up the first relationship that I had. I forgive myself for fucking up the second relationship that I had. And the other direction…I allow myself to fuck up future relationships…damn…every Woman that I will be in a relationship will have fucked up all her previous relationships aswell…well…maybe some relationships break because people go into different directions. And there is understanding…but whats important for this to happen: Drop the expectation of a lifelong monogamous relationship. Drop the disneylike believe that there is a special person…drop the believe that there is the one…
This life is just a journey through time and space…and some persons may walk this path with me for some time…and then they go somewhere else…or I go somewhere else…the only constant is me…
The best for me would be to accept this…I am a loner…I will allways be lonely…I am here with myself. Nothing from the outside will ever fill me…long term…its time to make peace with that. I can only find wholeness withhin myself.
Wow. This loop is bringing up a lot of emotions again. Feeling vulnerable again. Afraid…Its interesting…there is this linking in me between vulnerability and fear…I talked about this with my theraphist before…vulnerability doesnt mean that one drops all boundaries…it doesnt mean to surrender completly. Just as I saw in last weekends temple…where I showed myself vulnerable AND protected myself. Vulnerability doesnt mean to be a pushover. It doesnt mean to let anyone do anything to me…That seems to be a deep realization for me.
In the past I havent protected myself properly. Mostly due to my childhood. I havent protected myself in my marriage. I thought if I protected myself and set up boundaries I would be loved less…and be left alone…while I actually believe the opposite is true. By putting up boundaries and protecting myself I will be able to have more intimacy with friends and woman. Super interesting how I exclude friends and woman…I guess its because I never really had female friends. Id like to have some more female friends. More female persons in my life that are important to me and I am important to them. I long for feminine energy in my life.
Today I feel very very bored and irritated. I guess some reccon.
I am sick of being sick. I feel very frustrated. I want to watch Arcane. I want to order Indian food. I want to watch pn and jk off.
Super interesting…obviously those are my coping mechanisms for dealing with frustration.
I dont feel like my body is ready for yoga yet…but ill do some very gently movement things…
I see a parallel with this frustration to back when I quit weed…and on a certain point…quitting all those things is like quitting an addiction. But I start to see…when I can resist those things in times of extra stress…I can stay off them
Moving my body helped. it seems like the sickness is lifting.
Had a read at a post by Vesper…about wanted black…there is a part inside of me longing to hear wanted Black again…there is a part inside of me that wants to experience how it is to be wanted by woman.
Its only a matter of time till I do it.
Part of me fears that Ill be missing out on the internal sense of power that emperor has given me. That power that I need to solve my family issues. But on the other hands…I dont think that I will lose the results I have gained.
I am asking myself what goal I actually follow…
All this spirituality, shamanism, yoga in my life…I start to see that it actually only is a means to an end for myself. Its basically theraphy for me. Its about bevoming the master of my body. About learning to feel emotions. Becoming the master of my energy system. To get control of my reality. Why am I trying to make a job out of it…I again fell into the trap of strategic thinking and trying to become someone…
My actual goal is have sex, to explore sexuality…and now that my mental health becomes more and more in order…I ask myself how much all of this serving me anymore…For sure will yoga, shamanism and human design follow me. But as tools. I have been trying to become a productive member of society again. Fuck that. I have enough money for now.
So what stands in my goals…I need to make a plan that I follow.
Continue to work on my mental health so that anxiety starts to become a non issue. Will do that for sure.
Continue to work on my physical health…part of that…is according to the doctors to wait…rest…let it go slowly.
There is a lot of repressed anger about my health. About this f*****ing fatigue syndrom. I hate it. I hate that I cant just go sit on my bike anymore. I hate that since that covid infection I am plagued by a fucked up nervous system. I am frustrated because of that. I hate it that I cannot go to the gym. I hate it that I cant do proper yoga anymore…with a lot of movement and sweating. It sucks.
It will be super interesting what will happen with my health on this thailand journey…i have the assumption that as soon as I leave this country withhin some days I will be in good health again…lets see. Just as I have this knowing that as soon as this enmeshed relationship with my parents end, Ill become healthy again. Lets see if this happens.
I feel like a caged Lion waiting to be let loose. Traped, confined…in the end by myself. I dont have the balls to go all in. I dont have the balls to go all in. 2 years ago…when I started to take antidepressents…I just wanted to sell that house that ruins my life and run away. Leave this family behind and start a new life somewhere else…maybe as a traveler…and look where my life leads me to…
Its super interesting that all of this comes out after yesterdays workshop regarding astrology. That the last time has been a time of intense inner work…and now will come a time of external unfolding. Lets see. Lets see what happens.
My sickness is getting better. Only half the amount of snot as yesterday. Still, I should be careful. Dont overdo it. I have fucked up my body allready one time by not healing fully after a sickness…
Interesting how much physical energy I have…may have something to do with the medication I take for cold…they reduce inflamation…maybe this reduces also this whole body imflamation of post covid.
My course about the dark feminine is so amazing…a realization i had…
Any woman that i really really want…is dangerous for me. Any woman in my life should have the stand of good enough…as else, she gets to much power over me and we will burn again.
I think i had this realization allready…but i start to see how this is a metric for a toxic dynamic.