Sickness is getting better.
I got a nice tracksuit from amazon. I Like it. I feel like I redoing my outfits…
in the past I have been to cheap to buy new proper clothes. This changes now. I am not buying clothes for others to impress them but for me.
With not having a regular job, I see that its still important to have structure. Its important to get dressed in the morning and not staying in pyjamas all day. Its an impulse for the Mind that the day starts.
I am gonna buy a second one of this tracksuit, and some proper T shirts like 9 pieces. And then this is my at home outfit. For every day. Comfortable, and okay.
Its faishonable enough for a walk in the woods or to go shopping for food.
And when I go out to do something else. I change into something more fashionable.
I should really throw away some of my clothes that make me look “cool” and like a teenager. This time is over. Also if I want to change from EmpD to Wanted, I definitley want to have a mature style now and not look like an old teenager.
Watched p**n yesterday and jerked of. And thats okay. I think two weeks ago I said I wont fight my sexuality anymore. And that when I get to sexual and my mind only can think of sex anymore that its time to release that pressure…it seems to be an one week intervall.
Health is indeed getting better. Was for a walk. Did me really well…
Throwing away a lot of my clothes…struff that I dont like anymore…
I have a bit of an issue with buying clothing. I hate doing it. But I start to see how important it is…also…a family pattern is to own so much clothing…SOOOOOO MUCH…
And I start to see…its enough to have like 3 outfits for winter/fall. I dont need more. And when I am at home, I have these 2 pairs of tracksuits for that. Eazy.
Also threw away nearly all those underpants and socks I got from my mother. With funny images on them…burgers…animals…I am no fu##ing child anymore.
Ordered a 12 Pair of new Black socks. A box of new black Boxershorts. A set of simple black t shirts.
I tried buying this stuff locally last weekend…and didnt get anything. So Ill resort to amazon…and buy the stuff that has like 10k 5 Star reviews…and is cheaper…I guess its all about offer and demand…f##k these rules that I have to save the world by not buying from amazon. F##k them… f##k all this guilt that by buying from amazon I ruin my own country…F##k trying to be better for the collective…f##k repressing my own wishes and desires…in a case where I actually play by the law and rules…
Idk whats going on inside me…there are those rules how to behave that are more firm than the law…
NSE manifested beatuful today…my best friend sent me a craigslist link…for something that would be nice to have but not super necessary…it was super super cheap. I sadly missed her first call…when I called her back she said she confirmed it to someone else…i offered her more money…something that a voice inside me (its you again toxic mom) comments with you dont do things like that…first lets end the craiglist story…i didnt get it…because the other buyer offered even more…still a good price…but I didnt really really want it…I dont need it…it would have been a nice to have that I could sell with a win…and it would be a 1 hour car ride in every direction…
back to the you dont do things like that…my mother used to say those things to me…talking about some unwritten rules of the social game that existed in her head…something regarding fairness…but I start to see…fairness is something that the weak want to have…its a believe of everyone deserves the same…
When I write this down…I see an image of a small girl crying and throwing a tantrum and claiming Thats not fair…
And I start to see what a hipocrite my mother was…or is… telling me as a small child all these rules…and herself behaving completley different. Allways lying when it was about our age to get cheaper tickets for us. Allways trying to somehow abuse systems.
While playing the moralizer to me.
Simply offering that person more money didnt came to my mind. my bestfriend suggested it…in my inner world, that would be unfair…and you cannot be unfair (this comes from my inner child)…
After this call…a word came to my mind…schlimm…german for nasty or bad.
This inner child withhin me is so afraid to be called schlimm…and because of that there is so much repression of the dark masculine…of adult stuff…of stuff that children arent allowed to do.
A round of Rapé…I see a rolled up child…beeing deeply afraif to be abandoned…memories come up…when my brother (who didnt abide rules at all…) was threatened again and again to begiven away…to a protectory…threathened to be abandoned…from there comes this deep fear of not abiding rules…Anger from my inner teenager comes up…you cant treat a child like that…thats not hwo to raise children…i see my mother arguining…that wasnt meant seriously……but a child doesnt know that…i start to see my mom crying…but at the same time I see her shrugging it of…with a pfff sound…not taking responsibility…
And my adult self…it says…go for it mum. Abandon me…show me your true face…I F##CKING DARE YOU
I learned something valuable…how to manage threats…To confront people…to DARE them…to ask them…SHOW ME YOUR TRUE FACE…but F##CKING DONT PLAY WITH ME…
Memories of my ex-wife come up…when she told me…Actually, I prefer taller man than me…and it only lead me to be more and more submissive…memories of my ex-gf…when she tried to discipline me by threatening to meet other men…**I get it now…so many people who threatened me with things they were not going to pull through…as a means of manipulation.
Anger Anger Anger…Anger for how people think they can manipulate others…but I see my part too…I should have called them out…ask them are you serious with this?
I get in contact with a very very dark place inside of me…the ice cold killer instinct again…that part that says…If you do this once again to me…I am gone…I cut you out of my life. Its a place of power…A place of power that I have been afraid to tap into…because by tapping into this power…SOMETHING CHANGES…RADICALLY…FINAL DECISIONS…something where there is no going back…I felt that hesitation when throwing away clothes today aswell…that fear of making a mistake…its time to start to trust my core. Its time to start to trust myself more. Its time to start to trust my darkness…my place of power…the dragon that resides in me…
Yesterdays workshop brought up an interesting part…how the light masculine actually tries to outplay the dark masculine…and represses it…I am deeply guilty of that…
During my evening bath I had a realization…its not about killing the dragon withhin me…it cant be killed…Its not about caging the dragon…it cant be caged…its not about taming the dragon…it cant be tamed…the only way is to befriend the dragon…become a team…
I have the image of a man…A holy knight…riding on top of the most fierce dragon that could be ever imagined…With the holy knight knowing…it cannot fully control this beast…it can guide it a bit…but he will never be able to fully control it…when the dragon is well fed…it wont go rampage…it wont start eating villagers in time of peace…when the dragon is well taken care of…and has his female dragon(s) to live out its animal desires…it wont go flying away looking for a mate… but at the same time…in times of war…this holy knight knows exactly that this dragon will fight…it will be the fiercest creature and it will fight at the battle and is controllable enough not to go rampage on the own rows.
