A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Sickness is getting better.
I got a nice tracksuit from amazon. I Like it. I feel like I redoing my outfits…
in the past I have been to cheap to buy new proper clothes. This changes now. I am not buying clothes for others to impress them but for me.

With not having a regular job, I see that its still important to have structure. Its important to get dressed in the morning and not staying in pyjamas all day. Its an impulse for the Mind that the day starts.

I am gonna buy a second one of this tracksuit, and some proper T shirts like 9 pieces. And then this is my at home outfit. For every day. Comfortable, and okay.
Its faishonable enough for a walk in the woods or to go shopping for food.
And when I go out to do something else. I change into something more fashionable.
I should really throw away some of my clothes that make me look “cool” and like a teenager. This time is over. Also if I want to change from EmpD to Wanted, I definitley want to have a mature style now and not look like an old teenager.

Watched p**n yesterday and jerked of. And thats okay. I think two weeks ago I said I wont fight my sexuality anymore. And that when I get to sexual and my mind only can think of sex anymore that its time to release that pressure…it seems to be an one week intervall.

Health is indeed getting better. Was for a walk. Did me really well…
Throwing away a lot of my clothes…struff that I dont like anymore…
I have a bit of an issue with buying clothing. I hate doing it. But I start to see how important it is…also…a family pattern is to own so much clothing…SOOOOOO MUCH…
And I start to see…its enough to have like 3 outfits for winter/fall. I dont need more. And when I am at home, I have these 2 pairs of tracksuits for that. Eazy.
Also threw away nearly all those underpants and socks I got from my mother. With funny images on them…burgers…animals…I am no fu##ing child anymore.
Ordered a 12 Pair of new Black socks. A box of new black Boxershorts. A set of simple black t shirts.
I tried buying this stuff locally last weekend…and didnt get anything. So Ill resort to amazon…and buy the stuff that has like 10k 5 Star reviews…and is cheaper…I guess its all about offer and demand…f##k these rules that I have to save the world by not buying from amazon. F##k them… f##k all this guilt that by buying from amazon I ruin my own country…F##k trying to be better for the collective…f##k repressing my own wishes and desires…in a case where I actually play by the law and rules
Idk whats going on inside me…there are those rules how to behave that are more firm than the law…

NSE manifested beatuful today…my best friend sent me a craigslist link…for something that would be nice to have but not super necessary…it was super super cheap. I sadly missed her first call…when I called her back she said she confirmed it to someone else…i offered her more money…something that a voice inside me (its you again toxic mom) comments with you dont do things like that…first lets end the craiglist story…i didnt get it…because the other buyer offered even more…still a good price…but I didnt really really want it…I dont need it…it would have been a nice to have that I could sell with a win…and it would be a 1 hour car ride in every direction…

back to the you dont do things like that…my mother used to say those things to me…talking about some unwritten rules of the social game that existed in her head…something regarding fairness…but I start to see…fairness is something that the weak want to have…its a believe of everyone deserves the same…
When I write this down…I see an image of a small girl crying and throwing a tantrum and claiming Thats not fair
And I start to see what a hipocrite my mother was…or is… telling me as a small child all these rules…and herself behaving completley different. Allways lying when it was about our age to get cheaper tickets for us. Allways trying to somehow abuse systems.
While playing the moralizer to me.

Simply offering that person more money didnt came to my mind. my bestfriend suggested it…in my inner world, that would be unfair…and you cannot be unfair (this comes from my inner child)…
After this call…a word came to my mind…schlimm…german for nasty or bad.
This inner child withhin me is so afraid to be called schlimm…and because of that there is so much repression of the dark masculine…of adult stuff…of stuff that children arent allowed to do.

A round of Rapé…I see a rolled up child…beeing deeply afraif to be abandoned…memories come up…when my brother (who didnt abide rules at all…) was threatened again and again to begiven away…to a protectory…threathened to be abandoned…from there comes this deep fear of not abiding rules…Anger from my inner teenager comes up…you cant treat a child like that…thats not hwo to raise childreni see my mother arguining…that wasnt meant seriously…but a child doesnt know thati start to see my mom crying…but at the same time I see her shrugging it of…with a pfff sound…not taking responsibility…
And my adult self…it says…go for it mum. Abandon me…show me your true face…I F##CKING DARE YOU
I learned something valuable…how to manage threats…To confront people…to DARE them…to ask them…SHOW ME YOUR TRUE FACE…but F##CKING DONT PLAY WITH ME
Memories of my ex-wife come up…when she told me…Actually, I prefer taller man than me…and it only lead me to be more and more submissive…memories of my ex-gf…when she tried to discipline me by threatening to meet other men…**I get it now…so many people who threatened me with things they were not going to pull through…as a means of manipulation.
Anger Anger Anger…Anger for how people think they can manipulate others…but I see my part too…I should have called them out…ask them are you serious with this?
I get in contact with a very very dark place inside of me…the ice cold killer instinct again…that part that says…If you do this once again to me…I am gone…I cut you out of my life. Its a place of power…A place of power that I have been afraid to tap into…because by tapping into this power…SOMETHING CHANGESRADICALLYFINAL DECISIONS…something where there is no going back…I felt that hesitation when throwing away clothes today aswell…that fear of making a mistake…its time to start to trust my core. Its time to start to trust myself more. Its time to start to trust my darkness…my place of power…the dragon that resides in me

Yesterdays workshop brought up an interesting part…how the light masculine actually tries to outplay the dark masculine…and represses it…I am deeply guilty of that…
During my evening bath I had a realization…its not about killing the dragon withhin me…it cant be killed…Its not about caging the dragon…it cant be caged…its not about taming the dragon…it cant be tamed…the only way is to befriend the dragon…become a team…

I have the image of a man…A holy knight…riding on top of the most fierce dragon that could be ever imagined…With the holy knight knowing…it cannot fully control this beast…it can guide it a bit…but he will never be able to fully control it…when the dragon is well fed…it wont go rampage…it wont start eating villagers in time of peace…when the dragon is well taken care of…and has his female dragon(s) to live out its animal desires…it wont go flying away looking for a mate… but at the same time…in times of war…this holy knight knows exactly that this dragon will fight…it will be the fiercest creature and it will fight at the battle and is controllable enough not to go rampage on the own rows.

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I need to make peace. I need to find peace between my light and dark masculine. I need to make those two parts…A TEAM and not opponents. I need to let those parts comminucate in a nonviolent way. The dark masculine expressing its needs…and the light masculine not judging anymore…and at the same time…the dark masculine not completley not giving a f##k about the limitations the light masculine sets.

The knight makes those rules so the dragon isnt getting hunted. It makes those rules so it doesnt get killed by the others. But the knight also knows…without that dragon…he is jsut a man…but with it…they are a team that can be so powerful…

I feel the need to learn more about non-violent communication…not for other people…but for me…to make the communication of my inner parts more efficient and with less emotional upheaval. Only by getting this inner communication in check I can properly feed and nourish that dragon…so it gets strong and fierce and becomes the mightiest, most legendary creature ever been seen…

I am deeply grateful and humbled by todays process…I feel like something has relaxed in my chest. And belly. Yesterday I learned about a block in the solarplexus that seperate the lower chakras…the animal nature…and the higher chakras…the spiritual nature…it feels like that this block is starting to dissolve. Lets see where this journey leads… for now I need some food. Feed the dragon…and then have a session with my theraphist.

And some intuition told me in the morning to watch the disney movie…How to tame a dragon XD

Today I had a sex dream…I had sex with one of my favourite porn stars…I watched a s##tton of porn in my teenage years…and later…basically till my divorce…I felt so ashamed. And I start to see it…I never took care of my sexuality. I never gave it the importance that it has for me…sexuality is a very important part of my life. I need to give it that priority. And I am doing it…
As what I say again and again…that what drives me is my sexuality. It is what makes me a man. A human being. A mammal…Sex, Heart, Mind…all of equal importance…

To go back to that p##n part…I did amazing in reducing it. And I did amazing in not feeling any shame for it anymore. Now…and in the past…I was an outsider…I dont blame you anymore for “ruining and sexualizing my brain”…you did the best that you could…how can I blame a dragon for being a dragon?

Man this last sentence…how can I blame anyone for being themselves? How can I blame anyone for follwing their nature? For trying to get more out of live? For fighting and pushing for their benefit? For activiating that ice cold instinct in them?
Its start to stop repressing that part inside of me. Not be ashamed anymore of that part inside me…that part thats ruthless…I need that part. I am no longer ashamed of it…

A memory comes up…from childhood…from my mom…you are so ruthless…saying that with a sad and dissapointed voice…What did you think mom? That you are birthing an angel? No. In this course I learned that even Angels are the most ruthless creatures…they follow orders blindly…and make NO compromise at all…
Be dissapointed that your son is a bad man. A naughty man. A ruthless man. A strong man…if you are dissapointed because of that…be dissapointed… I am not taking on the projection anymore of being a perfect little boy. I am giving you that eneregy back. thank you for giving it to me…it led me to where I am now. But I am no longer willing to carry it. I thank you. I love you. I forgive you. Please forgive me.

I feel a shiver of energy coursing through my body. Something has changed. Something dramatic.
Part of my Human design is that I am someone who is prone for projections. And that I have to be concious about those projection…and decide which projections I want to take on…and what not. I am not longer taking on this projection. I let it go…

Now food for real…taking care of the dragon :heart:

And its super important to know one thing about the relationship between the knight and the dragon…its one of mutual dependency…neither the dragon is using the knight for his benefits…nor the knight is abusing the dragon for his own gains. Its a relationship of synergy. Its a relationship of win-win…the knight has his powerfull weapon and the dragon has his home…with good food, care, a mate and is good taken care of…e.g small parasites that he couldnt get off his scales can be taken of by the humans…Its a relationship of true love. Neither of the boths wants to change the other. Neither of the other to be different. They respect each others…the Knight lets the dragon be a dragon…and and the dragon accepts the Knight as something completley different than him…

This is true love…this is a true relationship of love…and not one of abuse…This story about the dragon and the knight not only stand for my dark masculine and feminine…it stands as an example for any relationship…for synergy…rather than manipulation and using each other…
Synergy i like that word…I start to sense how this could be an amazing metric to adjust any relationship I am in…look for the synergys…Look where we can create a win win scenario.

Another thought came to me during lunch…
I was not using Yoga…Yoga was using me…I lost myself in it…jsut as I lost myself in shamanism…jsut as I lost myself in my ex-wife…jsut as I lost myself in my mother…
This topic of projections onto me goes very very deep…not even people project on me…on my natural*…also energies and entities…believe systems…I have to be very careful not to yield to those projection…The state I live in projects onto me…for beeing a good citizen, yielding its law…i took on all those projections…

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I had an intense theraphy session…
It was humbling. That conflict I am having…I am seeing my parents as opponents…
I am not trying to steer this whole thing into a win-win scenario…I have forgotten that in this regards my parents, especially my mother, is a child. Is running away from reality. I have to be an adult on the table there…But I know…if I am an adult there, my dad will be one aswell.

It all goes down to have a serious talk again…with the topic of…How can we solve this problem in a way that we can still look each other in the eye and celebrate next christmas together?…and this has to be spoken out.

I will have to be both my own party and at the same time the mediator…it will be a journey…but maybe this would be the time to invest some money and involve a professional mediator.

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Yesterday evening was rough…
My shamanic teacher basically told me the same…to become an adult for my adults. Be their theraphist. Dont answer their attacks with counterattacks but with love…

And in the evenining I exploded. I watched How to tame a dragon my inner child loved it. Cried a s##tton. I have been a bit black and white regarding leisure. Also an emperor needs some time off…
It was hard to get out of it though…part of me wanted to go on…
But did some yoga…and then I was hit with a pain deep withhin me…it was rough. I havent experienced anything like it sober before…with psychedelics yes…but sober…

It felt like I am feeling all the pain that my parents inflicted to me at once. And I was confronted with that part of myself that wants revenge…that part of myself that asks why the fuck do I allways have to be the one that does it better?. Why do I have to be the adult with my parents. I want to rage. I want to let it out. I atleast want to tell them the truth…that their upbringing has led to their childs having development trauma. I dont want to keep them save anymore…or atleast…till I got my money.

And I start to see…the claim on me…to both be an adult for myself…stay emotional regulated during discussions AND be the mediator of the whole talk…
is to big…this is to much for me. I am not gonna ask that from me.

I had a dream today again…jsut remembering it now…I had a talk with my dad…it was actually quite nice…but then he told me…that human design you are learning and trusting in…comon…be serious…thats bullshit…
Its okay if you believe that. For me this knowledge brought more inner peace than anything else.

There is again so much hurt and anger in me. Mad at the theraphist and me for going to far emotionally. Mad at me for not calling a stop. I have to remind myself. There is no save space. Noone else takes care of me other than me.

Pahh…the level of reccon today is intense…be compassionate to yourself.,…you are not fully recovered from the cold. you reduced the amount of medicine you take.

I dont know how to cope with all this anger I have towards my parents…I am afraid that if I let it go again, I will be teethless again. I will not push forward what needs to be done.

food helped.
In my adult self again.
My heart is aching today…it aches since I got in contact with all that pain.

I start to think about that inner child things my theraphist told me…
And I start to see this inner child stuff as bullshit. Its a methaphor.
It keeps people traped in not raising up.

Having fun, jerking around. Its nice…but it in no sense comprarable to something way more powerful.

I am doing a lot better now. I let go of the plan to create that win win szenario with my parents. If it happens, beuatiful. But if not I am ready for that to.

During the recon of yesterday I thought about buying something for me…I was in an emotional unstable mode. A new TV…OLED 65 inches…
Would be nice…But do I need it? No. Do I want it? Yes, its kinda nice…but 1.3k Euro are a lot…maybe I go to the store later and have a look at it…especially as I just use my TV as a monitor for mostly writing here this journal.
Ill have a look at it. I know off my tendency to impulsive buying. I know of my tendency.

I cancelled that TV order. I had a look at it…its nice…its actually amazing. But I dont want to make my life heavier right now. I hear that voice inside of me wanting it. A more childish voice and I see a child jumpoing. But the adult says, No we cant spend money on that now.

I definitley see how this sickness brought me out of my flow. But on the other hand it brought some deep learnings it feels like. Especially regarding food.

My heart is aching since yesterday…when I breath into it I feel dissapointment and despair. Regarding my situation with my parents. I somehow love and hate them at the same time. I dont want to loose then but at the same time have to do something that deeply hurts them for my own lifes sake. It feels like a brutal situation to me.
I am afraid. Afraid how entangling this enmeshment between us will shape our future relationship. It feels good to admit that…its good to be realistic. This is a new situation for us. A child actually becoming adult.
It feels good to honour that vulnerability withhin me.

Watching a bit of the netflix series helped me to process a bit of the pain in my heart. I feel the pull to watch more and more of it, but I resist. Had a walk outside afterwards to recenter. And now I can process these things.
So watching Netflix can be a ressource. I see how I repress that part within me…asking to much of me. I need some outisde help. This can be netflix. Just as rapé. Or talking with my best friend.

Looking very forward to Alchemist Singularity reveal…it feels like exactly the sub I have been waiting for. Minds eye is interesting aswell…lets see…next days will bring some new suprises.

Watching Arcane yesterday on netflix was quite intense. I understood how this need for revenge and payback…basically missing forgiveness is leading to ever more and more fighting and more and more pain.

After the watching, on my walk, I had another Idea regarding the conflict with my parents. Like a compromise. They give me the money that I invested…(enough for the next 3-5 years for sure) and we make some sort of contract that they take responsibility for the house and everything…for me this is a super win scenario. I will process that for some days…because this would leave the total untangling of enmeshment of the table for now…
And would push it to later But it would yield my financial independancy and also not push everything into the area of an escalating fight. And part of me loves my parents. And I love the place I live at currently that I rent from them at a reduced rate.
I could help a bit out in the future that would be a compromise.
The adult choice. Not the black and white choice.

Something else I am discovering after listening to Alchemist: Singularity for 5 minutes.
There is a lacking sense of purpose in my life. A goal. A dharma. A mission…after listening to Singularity…and doing that course about polarities with Kabalistic teachers…and also starting to dive into the course for the training I am doing that has to do a lot with polarities… it sounds so simple…
My purpose is to bring peace. To lay end to war between polarities. To Integrate all polarities
Withhin me…and then be a guide for others. This is true love. When the paradox of polarities is fully integrated and made peace with. True peace. True tolerance. True acceptance.

Wow. Alchemist Singularity is something. Got in my car and had visions and understanding about polarity, magnetism and how this frees energy. At one point I felt my internal polarities merging and felt energy shooting up my back. Whew…

Spontanously was at my parents. Was shopping with my brothers. And we had food. There is a fight withhin me…one part likes these family dinner. And another one hates them. Because they lead me nowhere. And it takes so much time. And takes somehow so much energy. This part says I have better things to do with my time…
Still the other exist…I definitly see a polarity here. A paradox.
It would be awesome if I could bring peace between my internal paradoxes…
Loving and hating my family.

In the last days I have been selling stuff on craigslist again. I want a tidied up home whit not so much unneccesary stuff lying around. Part of this is a lego I bought 2 years ago to reconnect with my inner child after doing ayahuasca. I wanted to sell it once before…and I felt some pain that this inner child didnt want to let it go…
I felt this pain again…this time I told that part…hey…lets give that to someone who has more joy with it…someone who plays with it and where it not only stands around…and then this part gave and and said yes. There is some grief…and thats okay. Now that part is ready to let it go.

My mum suggested me that she will look if she can get me a free business class upgrade for my flight to thailand. I agreed. It feels like this was some sort of making peace after our fight. I brought her some homecooked mango chutney. I feel so much love for her. And hate. The paradox again…I want to integrate that. I need to integrate that. It will help me to have a happy relationship with any woman in my life…with all beings in life.

Man…those people with their manifestation customs have really sparked my interesest…not going to hit it in QTKS…

So just a brainstorm for now.

Manifestation Custom

Ascencion Chamber Core
Minds Eye Core
New Learning Experience Core?
Synergy: 42
Synergy: Divine Dominion
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Synergy: Carpe Vitam?
Synergy: Energetic Transcendence?
Overdrive?
Fortune’s Favorite?
The Flow?
SAM//VANA?
Deus?
Omnidimensional?
Stillmind?
Sands of time/Khronos Key?
Subconscious Flow?
Pragya?

Had a crazy dream tonight…sadly I cant remember it all…I had a talk with my mother. And somehow I voiced all the things I would never voice to her. Tell her my complete truth. Completley breaking her heart. Something like that…

Interesting that this happens after yesterday. Had a tiny bit of ayahuasca in the evening…I needed it. I sensed myself spiraling again. This week of sickness took its toll on me and my state.

This heartache thats here since 3 days is kinda hard for me to work with. Yesterday with the medicine I could get into it a little bit…and it was something about loving my dark side…and by that I not mean this dark side that I have an issue with…sexuality, seduction, etc…i am talking about my DARK DARK SIDE…the part withhin me that is capable of all the things that are deeply socially frowned upon…stealing, killing, hurting…
A memory of my childhood came. When I was like 5? Maybe 4?..we were at a relative…she had a small torchlight on her keychain… I was so super amazed by it. It was so awesome for me…I asked if I could have it…I couldnt…Later I somehow went away and just took it of the keyring…it was obviously discovered. I was asked if I took it. I lied. And lied. At one point I gave in…or maybe they did search my pockets? I dont know that anymore…this feels like an very important part of my life. It feels like that this was the situation from which on I have been DEEPLY DEEPLY afraid to do anything that is not allowed.
The important thing to mention: I Forgive my young self. You didnt know…or atleast…you had to try it out and needed to experience that by yourself

There is so much anger inside of me. About my life situation. This long covid. Trapped in a body that is not working as it used to be anymore. That needs a lot of medication to no fall into negativity. And as I say that. I see that I have halted my physical training to much. I want to move my body again a bit more. I have let the rust grow a bit to much.
Still its a matter to be really careful. I have been trying to train my body a bit to much. I dont like resting phases. My mind doesnt like them.

It feels like working with Ayahuasca is calling me again. This one and a half month, or actually a bit more, of integration has really changed me. I am someone completely differnt now. Its time to move that onto the next level. This time I want to make some changes how I approach this. I wont skip subliminals that much, as I did the last time I worked with ayahuasca. Ill stick to Emperor Daddy, Heartsong, Alchemist and Alchemist Singularity. 4 May be much, but I am gonna try it. Lets see how it develops. Though as I write this down. A part withhin me asks for wanted black again. To find balance between this drive that Emperor gave me to push forward and weave in a bit of more self acceptane that wanted black brings. Lets see. Tonights Aya Journey will show me more.

What I also want to include in my subliminal practice is Ascension Chamber. Going for a 3 minute loop now.

Ascencion Chamber was intense…immideatly after I felt the need to do a 45 minute guided meditation…I rarely do that. But it was super super helpful
.
Was for lunch with my best friend…
Afterwards something in my heart is openiong up…ANGER
I am not trying to look for that what is underneath the anger anymore…I just release the anger for now.

I feel betrayed, Traped and punked.
Raised in a way so that I have all these issues.
Heartbrocken by so many people.
I ask myself…do i really want to open my heart up again fully to a woman. To anyone…other than me…
I breath tenderly in my heart…and what comes up is: Everyone who I loved whants something from me…has expextations on me……my mind says…yeah its your 2nd line projection field…noone outside of yourself can truly see you…it will allways be like that.
I ask myself…how is it possible to love and at the same time protect myself.

Finally could start to cry…feeling some relief of my heartpain.

Preparing to be with ayahuasca. Had a walk today. Was good.
Seeing that I am still underressourced in my life. Ayahuasca does help.
Have to say though. I dropped out of the EmpDaddy flow. Not in that super adult mode anymore.

This paradox…of being an adult man…and having this child withhin me…that child that says I dont want to loose my parents…the tennager pissed on them, and wanting pure freedom…and the adult me…Not exactly knowing yet, what I want…I want freedom. I want the freedom to travel. I want the freedom to decide what responisibilities I shoulder…My shoulder are allways tense…I start to see…the responosibily to care for a house is something I dont want to shoulder. I dont know if this is permanent or just now…but how do I see myself in the future…in 5 years? Could I see myself taking care of this house as a landlord? I dont know…If I travel much…it could be hard…If I dont…and have my base here in my country…maybe…if I work mostly here…but for the next 2-3 years? No…
Do I need to completely seperate NOW? The teenager says yes…the child doesnt want to…the adult says…I dont know. I dont know whats wise. Family gives some sort of safety…but when I come to the ideal realtionship with my parents…how often do I want to see them? I guess every some weeks…once a month MAX.
In a recent talk I described being with my parents as some sort of BDSM excercise…a process…where I never know if it is nice or triggering…I mostly try to get to a life of stability…
When I am better resourced…a GF maybe…a job…better health…its easier. But now…NO.

As this sickness showed me…I am underresourced again…this retreat, although intense…had the intention of being with people who I ressonate with. Who think like me…where I can get some intimacy and touch.
I have to say though…I dont feel as lonely…by far…a lot has changed in the last months. I enjoy my own company much more. This journal helps a lot to get to a deeper level of intimacy with myself.
I hope that this thailand journey does well for my health…when I come back it would be good to get out more again…maybe check out the other yogacenter in my city…maybe I can make some friends there…
And I also remember…I met a guy at the temple weekend some weeks ago…not arm from me…someone I could learn from a lot.
Allready on the first component of Ayahuasca…when I breath into my aching heart…It says, I feel lonely…I long for more connection. I long for touch. I long to live with someone again…I have a beautiful nice place here…a lot of space…it would easily house 2…
Memories come up from when I was with my Ex-wife…it was beuatiful to live together…maybe now it would be to much…but a GF that stays here for every other weekend? That would be perfect…

The card I drew for todays ritual…The Ghost dance…its about honouring our anchestors…have trust that you dont reliefe the patterns of your ancestors…
My intention was to get some guidance regarding my heartache…
Lets see what that brings…