A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#321

What a journey…It was the first time having a new batch…and it is even better than the one I cooked before. Both stronger and easier on the stomach.
THe medcine showed me that I am again in a negativity spiral. This flu had a worse impact on me than I dare to admit. I feel ashamed that a simple flu can make me spiral so hard.
it just 2 weeks. then its a month of thailand with my bestfriend and a lot of other people. I will survive till then.

Something that I still need to work in is self compassion. During emperor I tried to get rid of my weakness…well…I dont know if this is the right part…repressing my weakness.

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#322

Seemingly the Ascencion chamber is getting manifested in my life now…from minds eye discussion I started to look into manifestation. And it deeply made sense. This video brought me to immedeatly switch my state of being.

#323

AS I made this switch in my beeing…a realization came…I am doing theraphy, trauma theraphy, having issues with falling into negativity…Why am I not running a healing subliminal?…like a proper one…Phoenix reborn has been amazing.,…and I listened to it during a time when Subs didnt work that well with me…

And as my Alchemist journey is coming to an end…I guess its time to tackle does isssues

#324

Binged th3e whole evening Anime…before had a walk in th wood, gave Phoenix reborn a 9:40 loop. Much for me…but I need it.
Had some junk food as lunch today. I wanted it.

This day was important. It connected me back with my Anger. I feel an aliveness that I havent felt for long…wrote my parents a message to make a date for another talk. It comes up again and again and I dont change anything. I need to make changes in my life.

During all that raging and anger…my heartache wasnt there…I feel this is not a thing about sadness…its a thing of hurt, boundaries and selflove

#325

I allready felt that Anger in the supermarket…I was thinking f##k all of you…f##k you old lady with the pink jacket*…f##k you cashier…for being so low…
I never allowed myself such thought. I repressed them. A good yogi, christian, spiritual guy, shaman, good human doesnt think that way about people who havent done him anything

Edit…after reading this again…I realize…all the f++k yous…was just that…the reasons were made by my mind afterwards…but this attitude of f#k you…its interesting and to investigate further
end edit

It feel like a gigantic step. Finally befriending my anger. Feeling its power cursing through my body. I havent felt that good for so long.

Lets see what kind of rebirth phoenix reborn brings…
Especially as today is Aya time again…first time experimenting with longer loops and ayahuasca…lets see what happens…

#326

Something I am realizing…as i felt into the lonliness spiral magain during sickness…
There would have been so many people to call, to have a chat for 20-30 minutes…
Its definitley a pattern of my that when I am not well I draw away from all the people in my life…not my bestfriend…
Something I want to get better at.

Something that coimes since a month, is the next energetic pattern from The five personality patterns……It says You cant make me…only I can make myself…i Discover that a lot in me…any should, need, must creates anger in me. Only I can make myself. F##k you

#327

Yesterdas ceremony was super nice. Strong and very deep. I saw how deep I am in poverty conciousness…and how much I try to repress my childish parts…and with that all the joy.

Today there is a lot of sadness…and anger again. I feel so stuck in life. Its good to write that out…its just a feeling. I am not stuck. I am progressing. Slowly but surely. Sure there are some cycles coming again and again…but thats okay. Without going in the darkness there is no deep growth.

The good message is that the doctor said that with my heart everything is okay…so its energetic/emotional…good to know…this gives me some more peace.

#328

Puhh…the spiraling isn ending…
I fear I need the emperor Scripting again…
It is how I said it would be for my brain…its an all or nothing black or white.

I need to go back to whats worked. Get back on my stack of Emp Daddy, Heartsong, Alchemist.
Tomorrow is a new day. New beginning. I am healthy again. I forgive myself for this spiral. It was the sickness. Take this as a learning experience to see how I dont want my life to be.

#329

The emperor is back baby
I somehow managed to switch into emperor mode yesterday…post nut clarity somehow helped :sweat_smile:
Whats interesting…with this switch…my heartpain is nearly gone.

7:30 of EmpD today.
I recognize…my inner voice is that of a young man. I want to change that. I want to have a deep masculine inner monologue. If I dont change that, I feel like a boy faking a man.
The 2 ceremonies of Ayahuasca have definitley shown something to me: I AM THE CREATOR OF MY REALITY. I can choose whatever. Not there where the material changes fast, but I am the reigner of my thoughts. They are not reigning me.
And this change needs to happen. I want to talk to myself the way I want to talk to others…in a deep, masculine, slow voice. Start with it in my head and it will appear in physical reality. Later.

I start to see…its upmost important to stay in my adult self. Regulated. In the frontal lobe brain. Because then I am actually the creator. And not just the victim of circumstances.

I realize…that what I call teenager is when I am guided by emotions. When I am attached to emotions…And when I am in my higher brain I am not guided by emotions anymore. Its not about to feel good anymore but rather do move on in life.
Looking forward to talking with my theraphist tomorrow to talk with her about this.

#330

Somehing changed in me again…
This 7:30 loop bareley induces any recon in me anymore. No headaches at all…but maybe this is just a wave…and it will come again at one point.
Was at the psychiatrist…it feels like the subliminals talked through her to me…she told me about the dangers of being to much alone…and to much instrospection…I need to put more emphasis on getting out.
Considering to try those SSRIs I am actually supposed to take… lets see.

LAter was shopping. Got some great clothes for home. In sale. Premium stuff :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
Way better than what I got from Amazon. Luckily I will be able to return that.
I had a moment where it felt like…Yeah, I control this reality…I am simply gonna manifest that I find something nice in the sales area…and there it was…I even got 2 of the same pants in the sale.

#331

I am very very curious about the new minds eye…but not now. Now its time for heartsong again 6 min loop, feeling a bit of headacht from this one. Interesting…

So I think Ill run a 4 Title stack for a bit. EmpD and Heartsong on Listening Day one. And Alchemist St4. And Alchemist Singularity on Day two. May switch one of the alchemists to minds eye at a point. And soonish I want a custom with a combination of 2 or 3 of Alchemists/Minds eye (if it does what I think).

Okay. So after sickness is over, its time to get to work again.
With my shamanic Teacher I learned about contracts…not the ones for a house, but the contracts we have in relationships but dont talk about.

Something similar came to my through my best friend today…he shared a task with me that he did in a course yesterday…

To look at my relationship with 4 different positions: My fellow humans, the world, myself and the absolute…and talk with them…and then talk back from their position…

So…what to say to my fellow humans?
Why dont you talk to me? Why dont you invite me? Why dont you approach me?

Why you dont approach me? Dont you make any steps torwards me?

I am afraid of you…I am afraid to hurt you. I am afraid to be not wanted. I am afraid to not be good enough for you. I dont know if you want me. I dont know if you like me…I dont know if I like you

You are good enough, you are wanted. We dont know if we will like you either…But Why wont you find it out?

I often dont know what to say. I dont know how to talk to strangers. I dont know if we have anything in common.

Do we have to have something in common to be able to talk? Just try to find out who we are?

(while I write that…I am remembering that I never had a talk with my neighbors. When I moved here with my exwife, we wanted to do that…but never did it…This feels like an easy simple task to get into socializing more…and an easy way to reach someone a hand…Message sent, action taken)

I see that there is a projection in me…that mose people are unfriendly and bitter…its time to let that projection go…
Someone has to make the first step. And waiting for the other to make this is…is simply dumb…this is something that I learned from this Binge watching escalation I had…someone has to make the first step. Else nothing is changing.

I fear that you dont want me to talk with you…that you are busy when going around…

No we arent busy all the time…why do you think that?

Because I am all the time busy in my head, thinking about something…but I actually dont want that…I am more present with other people during talking. Talking with someone regulates me…

We are exactly the same as you. Please talk to us. You are doing us a service. Together we can regulate and be more present in this world. Please talk to us and share your wisdom that you learned of in your years of going inside and spiritual endavours.

I will. I now know that you want me…and if you dont want to talk to me…tell me…

A memory comes up from my childhood…there was a man walking his dog every day…and he often talked to my father working in the garden when he passed…my dad talked for quite some time with him all the time…and later was bitter, because he didnt want to talk to that guy…he never said NO. He never put up boundaries. This is why I am afraid to be a nuisance.

And the second part:
What do I want from my fellow humans?
I want that you are honest with me. I want that you tell me if you like me or dont like me.
I invite you to engage me. I want that you tell me when we have talked enough. I want you to be friendly with me. I want to help me out when you see that I am struggeling…(Here I see something else…during my sexual shamanism trainings…there are some agreements…one of them is: You only get help if you ask for it…if you sit alone in the corner…we assume that you want to sit alone in the corner…If you need help ask for it… Back then I was very fond of those rules…and said that I want them to be valid for all my life…I take this back now…I no longer want that)
I want you to be interested in me. I want you to help me get out of my mind and aloneness, so engage me please. You are helping me, you are not going on my nerves.

#332

The world
I think you are a dangerous dark and bitter place. I think you are going downhill and I want to exclude myself from you to not go down with you. My parents thought me that the world is a dangerous place. That there are robbers and bad people out there. My parents thought me that I have to conquer the world and its an, I win or you win. I was told that to be successfull in the world I needed to work hard and that only hardworking people have a place in the world and people who dont work hard are parasites. I believe that I am unwanted because I dont output anything into the material world. I fear that I am not good enough for being part of the world. I believe that I am not welcome if I am not productive and birth something to the world. If I dont output anything. Voicing all of that shows me how I wrong I was. I am sorry.

Thank you for being honest. You are a part of the world. You dont have to produce anything physical to be part of the world. With your inner process you are actually giving a lot to the world. Please dont keep all of that to yourself. You are part of the world and you are good enough. Please trust that this is no dangerous plave. Please trust that its not all about wining and losing…its rather about finding synergies so that win win scenarios can happen.

What I want from the world?
I want to be successful. I want to find my place in this world where I can use my gifts to make this a better place. I want you to bring me the information that I need to decide on my path. I want you to come with a call to me. A call for whats needed. I see so many posibilites.

#333

Myself
I am sorry. I am sorry for pushing you down. I am sorry for not trusting your direction and I am sorry for only wanting to see your “good” parts. I am sorry for not seeing the beauty in the bad parts. I am sorry for being so fearful and being afraid of the “dangerous parts” of you. I am sorry for yielding to fear and not nourishing you properly. I am grateful that you put so much energy into yourself. I am grateful that you have such a determination to do it. Better. Please be a little bit more forgiving and trusting that all parts of you are good. Also your emotions.

What do I want from myself
I want you to become sucessfull…I want you to become so great and good that noone can say a bad word about you anymore. I want you to be so strong that you can never get hurt again. I want you to be so well prepared that you never get into a serious problem. I want you to be so well prepared that you dont have to go outside your comfort zone.

Wow…this hits deep…I start to see how much pressure I put on myself…lets change that to something new:
I want you to be happy. I want you to take good care of yourself. I want you to be yourself. I want you to be able to grow through problems that occour on your way. I want you to take good care of your weakpoints and protect them. I want you to have an easy life. I want you to make smart decisions. I want you to work smart rather than hard. I want you to take good care of your boundaries. I want you to talk nicely to yourself. I want you to treat yourself with respect. I want you to be calm…but when needed I want you to be protective and let your anger speak. I want you to take some more time with your decisions. I want you to slow down a little. Nothing is running away from you.

Wow…much better.

#334

The Absolute…
What do you want from me? Why have you created me? What is my purpose? Why am I here?

I haent created you for anything. I havent created you to fullfill a purpose. You are here to make your own purpose. You are here to be creative. You are here to enjoy. You are here be. You are here to create what you wish to create.

What do I owe you for creating me?

Nothing…you owe me nothing at all.

This was an interesting conversation. I start to see how I fell back into a projection of my parents…believing I owe something to my creators. Believing that I was created for a purpose.

The big question though…
What do I want to create? What do I want to bring to the world? What is MY PERSONAL MESSAGE?
The first thing that comes up…is there is no message…thats the message…the second thing that comes up is something about love…and about integrating polarities…memories from my run of singularity come up…and of the Lilith course I am taking part.
I want to bring together that what looks like it doesnt fit. I want to bring together polarities. I want to bring peace. I want to end war. I want to bring an end to struggeling. Or atleast…to unnecessary struggeling. I want to bring balance. I want to bring new solutions for problems. I want to bring new solutions. I want to bring reality to a new level. To a new dimension.

#335

Something that came up today…

I need to change something regarding my hair…
Now I have long hair…and while I love it…its kinda maintanance heavy. After washing them, on the next day they are amazing., But from the next day on, they lack volume and start to look fatty, thin and not amazing.
Ill tryout if I can fix it with some more care…but else, I am gonna cut them…

#336

So…When I ask myself…what do I want…what is the life I am dreaming of? What is the profession I am dreaming of?

I would like to be someone who invited all over the world to talk. To be the teacher at a retreat. Something in the regards of spirituality/personality development. To have an assistant to take care of the admin stuff.

What would I do when I get that money? I would want to travel. I want to travel to south america to experience the medicine in the jungle.
I want to live in community somwhere with young concious people. I want to explore my sexuality with woman. I want to take the 6 week temple initiation training next may/june.
I want to be at places where it is easier to connect with people. Where we hang around, do yoga and enjoy life. I want to learn more about shamanism, transformation and human design. Do I want to keep my home? I dont know if I actually want that…I have no idea.
I want to get healthy again. I want to live. I want to break out of this stuck life I have here in my country. I want to make new friends. I want to get to know new people.

#337

Spiraled a bit in the evening…
But I recognized it…There was that point where I new that I could make the wise choice.
I remember again…I had this run because I was making the hard choice on and on again. It didnt become easier…but I became stronger.
Still, this day went a lot better than the last days. I am gettin back into it.
I didnt jounral well today. I need to get into that back again. This is the (only?) way for properly process my emotions…epecially my sadness and anger.
Why do I feel angry? Because I am trapped in this life. I dont like how it runs. I dont like how I am missing social connection. I dont like how I have to run after my money.

Still I was very ative today. I remember again. I need to keep myself busy.

#338

Yeah…I start to see whats again there…Grief for my Ex. Anger on my theraphist, because she had somewhere her fingers in there and somehow pushed me to break up with her.
F##k…I loved that woman so much. There is a big fear in me that I will never meet someone again whom I will love so much. It was simply so ridiculously strong…The energy between us.
F##k, I hate my theraphist for that…We work together for 2.5 years and this was the only big error she made…but oh boy…what an error this was.
I feel ashamed to say that…but I am still not over her. Its been nearly 6 months now and I am not over her. But I start to see…while I say that the relationship only laster half a year…we were friends 1.5 years before…and maybe had that what some would call an emotional affair…I simply treated her like any person.
I havent fully processed it yet…but once she told me that she saw me as some sort of exit strategy for her marriage that was going downhill allready at the time where we met.
I feel abused. I feel used.
Singularity is activating again…there is a part withhin me that is happy that we broke up. And one that isnt.

#339

I am so angry and biiter about my life.
Alone, without purpose, trapped.
Something needs to change in 2025. I cant live on in this hermit life.

It goes deeper…there is a feeling of not being welcomed in this life. Of being to much, to different, to intense in me. To wanting. ASking for to much. Childhood again.

Shame again. So much shame for being myself. Shame for spiraling. Shame for needing help again.

#340

Intense day with my theraphist…what came out there…After my thailand journey, its time to travel some more.

With her I could catch myself again and regulate.
Its time to get into my own flow again. It will be frustrating. And thats okay. Its easier to take when I know that it will come.
I need to start to produce something again. Get my Dopamine by that.
Create some good feelings withhin me.
I am grateful for today. I learned a lot more about human design.
Learned a lot about tribal and family dynamics.
And I had a good talk with both my human design teacher aswell as my theraphist regarding that housing solution. I will speak on tuesday with my parents about it.

I have been going into vizualization a bit. Manifesting. Havent listened to minds eye yet. The most important thing for me right now is to vizualize relaxation and good feelings for me. Gratefulness, joy and a feeling of success.