WIP Draft for Custom:
Gave Minds Eye a try after being interessted in it for 5 Minutes. It feels like I an think more clearly about he future. That I can conceptualize a plan more acurately…I get the sudden urge to draw…A mindmap…or to create map about the possibilities that lie in fron of me…
Regarding my plans for the next year.
So what are the possible retreats that lie in fron of me…I need to make a plan for my life.
Starting to draw a plan…
Had a presult today…i was talking with a friend of mine…and he asked do you feel anticipation about your journey?…and this made me realize…I dont allow myself this anticipatation…some crap believes about spirituality…not wanting to live in the future.
I really need to start to look forward. Not necessarily looking forward to some dreams, sex, a girlfriend…I need to start to look forward at the things that I can control…and when I look at that list I am doing…it looks amazing!
Created a wonderful map for the next year. Havent decided what to do yet…will seek some more options. But definitley a nice year will come.
Minds Eye has been great, definitley going to include it in my next custom.
I start to see how important it is for me and my life to have some nice things in my life to look forward to. And lock them in so they happen for sure. And those retreats, courses or having ayahuasca in the jungle is far more controllable for me than finding a GF or something like that…
I start to see how this looking for a GF and for sex comes hand in hand with scarcity mindset. During Lastweeks ayahuasca ceremony, I really saw the first time how deep the scarcitiy mindsetz of me actually goes. I feel at some point I need to run a wealth sub, to get into abundance mindset…Not only regarding money…regarding everything…maybe Virtue Series: Temperance would be an addition to my custom…but its allready getting quite dense…
As I start to plan this next half year of traveling…I decided to stop running Heartsong now. It has brought deep healing on the issues with my parents and my childhood traumas. But other than that it is deeply digging into my heart and unborrows a bit more pain that I can handle in my current situation…undernourisment and so on…
As this decision is coming to an end, I am reflecting if I want to continue with Emperor Daddy or want to go on Wanted Black for a bit…could be a nice suprise for this travel to thailand…
Also it gives me more ease I guess…Emperor makes a bit to efficent for a vacation…
The othjer thing I am considering for this vacation is if I want to run one of the relaxation subs…like Sanguine or Sanguine:The elixir…I guess it will also a good foundation and reduce future recon as I have read.
Not totally sure if I want to run that custom I plan to make on this vacation…and also if I want to run it during that retreat…I am not sure if I want to run any subs there at all…would be a great chance for a longer washout…but preloading with a cycle of Wanted Black could bring some nice suprises 
Was a bit hard to get out of bed today. But then I got going and emperor kicks in again. It feels like I got back into the emperor subliminal flow. Which is awesome. I feel powerful and in control again. At the same though, I feel the subliminal processing in my head again. This slight headache…
Something that works withhin me since some days is my relationship to wealth…and I am not talking about financial wealth, but wealth in general…abundance mindset…a deep trust that abundance is there and withhin reach. And a firm believe that I deserve this abundance. As I say this, I know where this mistrust is coming from…For my mother everything is allways about earning something. I need to earn my inheritance. I need to prove my worth to it. Its super interesting…as she has an human design defined heart center…while I havent…which makes this believe that I have to prove myself etc. deeply not valid.
This question by my shamanic teacher…What are you going to do when you have that money?…triggered a lot. And its super needed to make this plan. It gives me trust in the future. And shows me that the live of my dreams is withhin reach. Its starting right now with this journey to thailand it feels like.
Have I deserved the life of my dreams? I feel like the whole question is wrong…who is it that decides who deserves anything? If I have to decide…YES, I deserved it. I payed with a lot of pain and suffering in the last 4 years. I payed more than enough through my teenage years. I did so much work in the last year. Especially since I quit weed now 11 months ago.
I deserve that good happens to me. I deserve that the good happens to me effortlessly.
I deserve that woman are attracted to me. I that the right things come to me. I deserve to feel good. I deserve to feel joy. I deserve to be happy. There comes the inner critic…saying I dont deserve to be happy if I am not productive. The thing is…I am productive. I am getting my life in order. This is something that takes a lot of time. I get it now. I thought (and a small voice inside me says that I copied the believes of my parents regarding mental health) that its possible to turn your life around 180 withhin a month or so…this was a wrong believe…Actually I only really started to turn my life around since I quit weed. Before it was only preparation. And only since my rehab in July I did it properly. And only since my Ayahuasca month in september, I dont drown in negativity anymore. And only since mid october I know of my ADHD and neurodivergence and how to handle it.
I was very productive this year. Really. I achieved so much. It makes me sad that all of those achievements arent worth anything to my parents…But I dont talk to them regarding does deep things…but on the other hand…how do I expect to be seen for something that I dont show?
I am totally honest though. I am afraid to show to my parents the depths of the issues…because when they ask why I have those issues…my only answer would be…deep childhood trauma…but maybe its time to not use the childhood trauma as an excuse anymore…and claim my full responsibility for my decisions. Some part in me rebels…says that I was in no place to make decisions as a 5 year old…
But now I am an adult…since lets say 20 years allready…I was afraid to grow up. I was afraid to trust myself more than others. And I take responsibilty now for it. Its not the others fault. Its purely my fault. My soul/higher self/whatever has chosen this family and this childhood experience to be the right for me. So it is. It was the right experience. It is exactly the right family. Its not their fault. I chose this experience.
Some part wants to shame me again…now that I take responsibility…that I manouvered myself in my life in a deadend…but again…its okay to make errors. Its okay to sometimes take the wrong road…especially as I didnt have any connection to my inner compass back then. Only through human design I learned to connect with my inner compass. There is no shame in going the wrong road in life when only getting directions from other persons…just as there is no shame in deciding that my directions were wrong…
This life is a mystery…This life is an adventure…There is no right and wrong outcome for this life…
Regarding the headache, Stefan Burns, that wonderful purveyor of woo with respect to earth energy and geomagnetic matters posted an interesting video recently where he mentioned the physical symptoms he experienced before the Turkey earthquakes. I have been noticing the same symptoms he described, including the short period of fever and the headache. I have not been in contact with others beyond my own household today so I know its not viral. I think he may be on to something (and there are others who posted in the comments regarding the same thing).
Regarding the other stuff, it’s funny the last episode of B5 I rewatched has the same kind of themes to your musings. Some of the episode is propaganda, but the end message is sound I think, and it’s very relevant to the current hidden geopolitical situation which I won’t go into. Maybe current global thinking is secretly uniting behind this idea of casting off the chains of the past and finally standing on our own.
This is exactly whats happening right now in astrology…As pluto is going from capricorn to aquarius…
Thanks for the link. This schuman frequency is interesting!
I want to celebrate the change of my physical form. In the last half year i lost 4kg and 2.5% of bodyfat…under 17% for the first time in my life. under 70kg aswell…and I am there allready since 2 moths…eating what I love every day. Without doing much sports. Now as my health is starting to get better and I move more…this will become even more…Hopefully I get to the point where I can start to build some muscle when I come back from Thailand…I am actually reconsidering if I should go to the yoga center when I come back…I feel like the gym is a better place for me…and I would also have a friend come with me…lets see…one of those places is needed for when I come back 
I feel a lot of anger today again. It super interesting though…when I am in this super present adult emperor mode…I am allways having a very serious look on my face. Why? Because I feel my life situation is serious. Its serious to make changes. What canges? I need to move my body more. It want to be moved. I feel the call to visit the gym again. Interestingly enough I feel drawn to another gym, not the one where my friend is going to…Ill go there today after my session with my shamanic teacher.
Bodily energy is getting better and better. This sickness has helped me out somewhat.
Was for a walk yesterday in the evening and made a stop at a outdoor fitness center.
Worked out there for 15 minutes or so…it felt amazing. Had to stop myself a bit and remind myself that I shouldnt overpush myself.
Saw an interesting movie yesterday…“The substance”. A woman who has lost her beauty uses that substance to transform her body into a 20 year old version of herself…she can spend 7 days in that version and 7 days in her original version. ´…they are one…they share a life…obviously they start fighting each other…and fucking up their others life. This video showed me how fighting angainst parts of myself doesnt work. At all.
Felt like listening to Wanted Black today. 3:15 of loops. I feel a deep calmness. A deep relaxation. And I feel happy. Maybe not joyous, but satisified and happy.
There are so many parts within me that I repress…
And there is so much pressure I put on myself…to get my new career starting…but the thing is…I have enough money. I dont need to put all this stress on me.
I hope this compromise with my parents work out.
I feel a lot of gratitude for them right now. They do a lot for me. And when this financial independece is restored again, I believe that we can have a better relationship again.
I feel the singularity script hitting again. It is indeed what I need. To implent into my life both…to love someone and also keep boundaries. To love and not to merge.
I feel that my body asks for movement again…lets go for a walk.
Wow…its been some month since I ran wanted Black the last time…
I havent been so happy in quite some time. Emperor Daddy gave me this grind attitude…it was definitley important…but on my journey of recovering from Burnout etc. I start to see that it may be a bit to much…and it was lacking some happy feelings.
Working out was great. Walking barefoot was amazing…I even walked in the cold river (its winter here now).
WB gives me this feeling that I am okay. And that all will be okay. Dont worry be happy.
Wow…today is one of the best days since a long time. So many happy feelings.
Was at the gym. Took really good care of my body. I tried out a new gym. I like the energ there more than in the old. And they have a free massage included…with an electric massage bed that I allready knew from rehab…for just 30€ per month. And better parking situation than the last fitness center. A lot young woman.
I definitley focues to much on getting into a new career and not enough into getting healthy. But now I know it…and can take measures. Find a balanced life.
Before gym I added 3 Minutes of Minds eye. Dont really sense much of it this time. Maybe all the happy feeling come from it. And my positive attitude.
In all that “adult me emperor” grind…i completley forgot to nourish myself properly…I earned massive amounts of
hah…a lot of muscle hangover today Somehow feels good…but I am very stiff.
I feel a lot of energy working in my head and face. Maybe this is allready the wanted physical shifting.
Feeling quite tired today. But thats okay. Dont have anything to do today. Will chill out.
Strong recon today. Tiredness, headache, and together with that muscle hangover its kind a bit…
By chance had a talk with my parents…they dropped by. We will sort out the first drop of my money soonish, after my holiday.
A big breakthrough. Hard for me to celebrate though with this reccon.
I feel anger inside. A part that kicks me in the ass…get of the couch. get out of your house. And as I write this. The sun comes out and give me motivation.
Hit the gym again.
Feeling good, but tired.
There is anger inside of me. Part of me want to have sex again. Will go to sexual theraphy in some days.
Lets see if wanted changes the outcome.
Its super interesting how I changed since listening to wanted black.
I am way more relaxed. I can accept reccon way better and accept my coping patterns way more.
I dont force myself so hard, as with emperor. I see how I take life with a much bigger chill…there is nothing to achieve…nothing to gain.
As I am doing this course in thailand, I start to think if I should start my business when I come back. Not activeley…but to the state where I can give some human design readings, and do the bodywork that I learn.
Now 3 Cores, 5-6 Synergy, 8-9 Modules…looks quite dense. May be a bit much with Wanted Black
This one loop of WB changed a lot in my life…I am a lot more positive, have better control over my emotions. Work my emotions better.
At the same time I am missing a bit of the drive that emperor gave me…but it may have been to much.
Also suddenly, as I started with WB people write me and want to talk to me. On Emperor Daddy, I had this “if you arent a hot woman or give something to my life, stay the fuck away from me”.
Now I am a bit more chill…as there isnt so much focus on 100% efficency.
My Ex-GF wrote a message to me. I dont know yet if I respond and how.
There is a part that is still in love with her.
And there is another part that tells me…stay away from her…only by that you will be able to heal.
Its interesting…I kinda hope to run into my exwife…I saw her when I took a walk 2 times allready…but then I had fear…I guess I would have it now aswell…but I kinda would want to have a talk.
With my ex-gf…hmm…its to dangerous to fall for her again. And she is no long term partner material…as she has her children.
Today Wanted Black and Singularity…lets see
Something that came to my mind today before showering…regarding that topic of being underresourced…
Ther are inner and outer ressources…outer resources would be stuff like. drugs, medication, friends, touch, food, bodywork, yoga.
And inner ressources stuff like keeping my calm even in emotional charged situation. Giving myself validation, sending love to myself, compassion, gratitude…
Lets get some help from Chat GPT:
Inner resources are the personal qualities, strengths, skills, and abilities that individuals can draw upon to face challenges, solve problems, or achieve goals. These resources often provide a sense of resilience, confidence, and self-sufficiency in various life situations. They are intrinsic and not dependent on external circumstances or material possessions.
Here are some examples and categories of inner resources:
You can cultivate and develop inner resources through practices like self-reflection, therapy, mindfulness, education, and challenging life experiences. They are essential tools for navigating life’s complexities and building a fulfilling existence.