A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#361

Somthing that i encounter…i ask myself a lot…Am I doing thr RIGHT thing?

This throws up many questions…the roght by what metrics? The right by what rules?

Gonna see my Ex…i dont know if it’s the right thing. A part within me says yes, another part screams no…keep away…
I have no idea what will happen.
What do I want? Id like this to be an end…as good as the sex was…i feel that starting something with her again would create pain…which on the same time would mean healing…

What would be the ideal outcome? To go back to a friendship. Even though thats dangerous. But my heart wants to have her in my life.

#362

hmm…
This meeting was interesting. It felt like I got a lot of energy back. On the one hand it felt super redeeming…and there was a sense of why was I together with that woman?
On the other hand it felt quite painful when she told me that she has a non serious relationship with a younger guy…I stopped her there and didnt want to hear more.

It was super interesting. I saw her in a different light now. I saw how she still has so much trouble in her life…and that I am so happy not to be involved with that much issues anymore. But on the other hand I addored her for being able to stay positive with such a hard life…there I have much to learn.

I dont feel like I would want to get back into a sexual relationship again with her…this is a big fear that I had. Shes not that attractive to me anymore. And casual…without any strings…maybe…but honestly, I dont want to put up with any of the drama in her life anymore…

This is also now a question how deep I want the friendship to be…I kinda not want to give my wisdom for free anymore. As I am starting to make my business. And she ahs no money…it would go back to the dynamic we had and that I now remember…her paying me with sex for my help in regards of emotional regulation and teaching. I remember now that this dynamic was at play there. Sounds unhealthy now that I put it like that.

#363

As I write this down…I want to experience sexuality thats not about a trade. Thats just about having a good time with each other. Celebrating life…lets see what thailand brings.

#364

I ask myself…why do I actually run so much after sex? Validation? relaxation? A nice experience? I feel like this is this crazy loop…I have to let go of the want of sex to be able to get sex…crazy reality.

Singularity brought some deep peace inside of me again regarding some dualitys…
Also spending time with my family was really nice today. Yes, I overate and especially in the evening and staying up late because of this…but it was enjoyable…I feel that as our conflict regarding money get sorted out…we can start to have another kind of relationship…a healthy one.

:heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign: :heavy_plus_sign:

#365

Proud of myself. Did some paperwork that I skipped for several months.

This meeting with my ex really stirred up a lot…on the one hand it brough up a lot of energy back to me…like right now…with how much I changed in the last 6 months…we arent a good fit anymore. And I saw how many problems she had (and still has) in her life…where I helped her and where I got into my saviour complex. Also saw how incompatible we were in regards where we are in our lives.
But it was also interesting to see how she manipulates me…with a complete innocense…when talking about her new fling…that he has sucha good body and is so intelligent. I am pround of myself for stopping her there…I dont know what her intentions were with that…to make make me envious? My best friend said that this is something you regularly wouldnt do…Like she asked me how it is going for me with woman…And I would have never said that the woman I am now seeing from time to time is 15 years younger and is much more physical attractive than her.

#366

Well, yesterdays day was intense…had a microdose of LSD and cried for like 4 hours straigt. Most likely to update my model of reality about my ex-gf.

Havin the next 4 days an online retreat with an amazing spiritual teacher…with him I allways had the most intense breakthroughs. Not only in regards to spirituality, as he is also a psychologist, I healed a lot during working with him.

Will wash out for these days now.

1 Like
#367

Was at the hospital this morning to get a 24 hour ekg…on the way back I had this longing to go to mc donalds again. Seemingly on wanted black I am different than with emperor…
So I went to mcdonalds breakfast and decided to eat it without any shame…and approach the whole thing as a curious experiment. And I didnt like the taste anymore. It is just a fragment in my mind that likes it. It was interesting being in there…the mconalds caramel cheesecake used to be my favourite dessert. A month or two I was there and had it…and I didnt like it aswell…
I cried while eating at mcdonalds. It was a saying goodbye…

So I am getting more and more into manifestation…and by that also those quantuum physics reality hopping knowledge. I start to understand more and more how energy of me is bound in the past. Like yesterday was the first time where I felt compassion with the me back after my divorce that drank a shitton of alcohol. Like half a bottle of booze everyday. And had compassion that I had to block my exwife with no contact and ghost her.
It was the first time that I understood that back then I was using the best “medicine” that was available to me and at reach withhin my reality.
And now that I write this down I want to honour that…thank you me from back then. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for not killing yourself. Thank you that you started to work on yourself and that you took the medicine you found most helpful in that moments. Thank you. You did well. Yes, now I know that there are better approaches to handle this, but back then we didnt no that. Thank you for taking care of yourself. Thank you for everything. Thank you for blocking our exwife. Thank you for numbing yourself enough so that you could keep going. Thank you for going through all those struggles and surviving.
I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, thank you.
Thank you alcohol for helping me back than. But now I dont need you anymore.
I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me, thank you.

1 Like
#368

A lot happening today…
During taking a walk I thought a lot about my exwife…that it would be nice to experience what I have experienced with my ex gf to make things clear…

Later I was at a friend and we catched up. we didnt see each other for half a year.
She used her pendulum to “contact” my exwife…according to that she is still mad with me and wants me to stay away.
When I reflected on my last time during sharing what I have been up to…I realized how amazing my life was during that Emperor Daddy time…even though I kicked “Fun” stuff completley out of my life…I had this much deeper sense of purpose…and much deeper sense of accomplishment through discipline. I really want to get back into that…After my holiday…
Most likely will run Emperor Daddy and the spiritual custom then.

1 Like
#369

Thank you Ex-wife,
thank you for everything I coudl learn with you. Thank you for everything that we experienced together. Thank you for raising me up a bit. Sorry for not being a good husband back then, I was childish and immature. Thank you for everything. Thank you for that painful seperation. I wouldnt be the man I am today without it. Im sorry for ghosting you. I am sorry for lying to you. I am sorry for not beeing authenic, strong and myself back then. I am sorry for manipulating you during our divorce. I am sorry for believing you were the bad one. I now know better. Thank you for being a mirror for me. Thank you for being such a great techer for me. Thank you for initiating me into sexuality. Thank you for helping me out. Thank you for pushing me to get things going. Thank you for pushing me to make changes…haha…I remember how you said that I was exactly like your dad and that you hated those parts. I hope that you work on these aspects and change your patterns.
Thank you for everything. I hope you are doing well. I still love you. Sorry for me trying to change you. Sorry for me not accepting you how you were. Please forgive me.
I take back my energies that are still bound to you. I take back my power that I gave you…
I addored your drive. I addored your inner strength. I addored your masculinity. I addored your ambition to go for what you wanted. I wish you the absolute best. I wish that all your dreams come true and that you live the live that you want. Thank you…my first real love.

Meeting my exgf…showed me what parts I am attracted to in women…and how this makes a pattern.
I am attracted to strong independend woman…why? because I want to embody those traits…
The drive ambition and bite my ex-wife had…and the positivity, ease and sexual freedom my ex-gf had…those are the things I want to embody. I am attracted to that what is in my shadow…
So its definitley something I can work on…

Maybe Godlike masculinity as a focus would be something…

1 Like
#370

I feel a lot of sadness today. I long back for the feeling I had of myself with emperor Daddy. Wanted Black is nice…and the manifestation of it is amazing. But I feel that its not the what I need in my life right now. I need discipline. I need to get stuff going on the physical plane. I am allready so deep in spirituality.
Discipline is what I need the most in my life actually. A part of me doesnt want to hear that. A part of me want to take life lightly. But I have done so for quite some time. This serious adult part in me…is what I need…
I long for that serious masculinity. That inner child of mine longs for a strong protector. I dont feel that wanted black gives that to me…
Wanted Black gives a lot to my inner teenager. That unhinged part that just wants to enjoy life…life is a party style…but I really really want to learn to get my shit together. Live a disciplined life. A life in order. A structured life. I havent lived that…and both of the woman in my life had a lot of structure…I dont want to outsource structure anymore. I want to have this structure withhin me.

1 Like
#371

I let that inner teenager speak for itself…
I DONT WANT TO TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY…this is all an illusion anyhow. This is just a game. I have money and I want to do what I want. I want to live easy and just become a man that woman seek out and run after.
Dont you think that by becoming a masculien adult man woman will come after you and like you?
Yes…but it sounds like a lot of work…I am hungry for validation. I am hungry for that sexual validation. I just want to be loved and liked.
It feels like this is a 15 year old fragment of me…when I was in high school. Outsider. Nerd. Had this one friend…nothing else…and World of warcraft…
Its okay…me from then. Its okay. I see you. I see your need to be wanted. I see your need to be loved. I see your need to have a girlfriend. I see your need for sexual experiences. I see your sadness for missing all of this out.

#372

Hmm…yesterday was an intense day…Going to the hospital, online retreat with spiritual teacher and in the noon break session with trauma theraphist and sexual theraphy :sweat_smile:
And I am having deep breakthroughs in my life.
I start to see how in listening to emperor…I was staying in my comfort zone…it leads to a life my “old inner critic” the voices of my parents. Would approve to…and it represses my aliveness…Bakc then I was thinking of dropping this shamanic work and ayahuasca path. And also the sexual shamanism wasnt so interesting anymore…it was all about th3e grind…all about being efficient…and it was missing a lot of joy and lightness
Wanted Black brought that back. It connected me again with my dark side the side in me thats alive.,…and to feel alive…what truly brings me alive…what makes my eyes sparkle…is ayahuasca and sex…there is some shame there…but I truly believe…msot people have experiencedd what it means to fully alive

Yesterdays session at sexual theraphy was a big breaktrough. A lovely beautiful girl…I was completley shaking again when waiting for her…this time I take measures…I brought my audio box to have my favourite music. I was wearing a butt plug to feel the tension in my pelvic floor that makes me ejaculate so fast…and I dropped all shame…because I make **a lot of sounds during sex…I am very vocal…and told her to take her time…
Let her wtroke by body…not go for a blowjob straight away like they are used to…and let out all the stress and anxiety of my body…
After that we went for a blowjob and sex…and in that relaxed state I had complete control over my ejaculation. Had sex for 15 minutes and then she blew me again for 5 minutes…quite intesivley…and I didnt come. I could channel alll the energy…

This wa a very very healing experience for me…its not like human design says about me that I need someone that I deeply trust. I jsut need to relax…and all my tantric techniques help a lot there. This experience gave me a lot of confidence…and I am really looking forward to my thailand journey…currently washing out during that online retreat. but on monday I am gonna start listening to Wanted Black again…and see what it brings for that journey…maybe add in Sex and Seduction X.

Still. This one month with emperor Daddy…I learned a lot. I learned a lot and now its time to integrate that. I tend to when I let go fall into extremes and go for everything I want…liek after yesterdays session I htought again about simply ordering food…but I did differently…I cooked something by myself even though it was stressful. Its all about finding balance for me…balance betweeen the extremes.

1 Like
#373

One thing that is coming up in that spiritual retreat again…scarcity mindset. I need to work on that.

1 Like
#374

Wow this retreat is showing a lot again…There was a practice to let out unhealthy selfishness talk with our love for others…and I realized…I am mistaking self love and nourishing myself with unhealthy selfishness…

And today I realized that I was believing that the unconditional love that the source, god, whatever gives us…is conditional*…that I have to be somehow and fit some rules to be unconditionally loved by the universe…and my goals of being a wanted man are dirty and selfish and make me unlovable…my wish to become an ayahuasca curandero and wanting to “take drugs” would be dirty…and make me unlovable…
I realized how there is a fight in me…between a part that want to attain enlightenment…and this part of me that has basic human wants and desires…
I had that image of an eligthened person that has no more needs and only lives for the others anymore…like these indian gurus or holy people…
I dont want to become a holy man…I just want to be an enlightened man living his live and wants to do what a man wants to do and live my desires and wants…

After having these realizations…I dropped to enlightenment. Peace filled my being. A deep sense of calm.

I see how I took all this shadowwork to seriously…always looking for why I want it and trying to solve that…and get rid of my desire. Because I bought into those ascetic spiritual tradition…
I hope not to drop back into these believes…but if I will…I will wake up again

#375

I was projecting this sattvic indian lifestyle on enlightenment…and thought only that this is possible…that its not okay to eat meat, drink ayahuasca, have sex, listen to activitaing exciting music, experience and seek pleasure…but this is all bulls##t…
All of this is still possible with enlightenment.

#376

As inspiration…a very similar custom than the one I am planning…

Minds Eye Core
Alchemist Singularity
New Result Enhancing
Auric Over driver
DEUS
Direct Influencing Aura
Dopaminergic Revival
Energetic Development IX
Fortunes Favorite
Inner Voice
Khronos Key
Mosaic
Pragya
Still mind
Stress Displacement
Subconscious Flow
Divine Dominion
The Architect
Merger of Worlds
Void of Creation
#377

This weekend was an intense breakthrough.
With both the realization that I have been cought in religious rules…and that no real rules exist…other maybe than the golden rule I feel a lot more free…and I dont feel ashamed anymore for my goals to become man sought after by women and for wanting to work with ayahuasca.

Was at sexual theraphy again…this time there was less fear…less anxiety…but still some. But its getting better and better. WAY better.
I now feel confident to have a one night stand and take the lead there…to lead a woman through an amazing experience.

Had a microloop of WB today…it definitley gave me confidence and some more wit. It was fun with the prostitute…and I realized…going to a prostitute is most likely more effective than going to some body theraphy session.

But when I come back I plan to become more active on tinder…just buy premium, make a nice profile with something like Tantra teacher in training is looking for a playmate…
And when I get likes…Ill jsut ask when we can meet. No fucking around. Efficient. Direct. I feel like this is the type of seduction method that I want to endorse. Be the mysterious shaman/tantra guy being able to take a woman on the night of her life.

#378

In Bangkok now…being together with my bestfriend and not so much alone definitely changes a lot.
I have way more energy.

A thing that really stirs me up is that weed is legal here…all these years i dreamt of one time being at a place where this stuff it legal…as a bucket list thing…

But now…its to dangerous to get back into addiction. Its hard still…my mind really pushes me to do it…only once in bangkok…what happens in bangkok stays in bangkok…but i know that this wont work.

Its definitely fun to explore bangkok, but after two days we actually have enough. Nightlife is loud.
We are more for nature…looking forward to our next stations.

#379

Wow…what an intense journey that vacation is.
Luckily out of bangkok. It was an experience…but the energy in that city was way to overwhelming for me…nearly went back to taking weed because i was so amxious and triggered.

Now we are at the countryside of norththailand…getting alot of peace and calm. Exactly what we need to destress before that retreat.

Genesis: The art of happiness and joy looks amazing. Gave it a 8 min loop today. I feel that this is the foundational sub i need in my life. And its amazing that it is skill based…so 1-2 month of running this should completly change my life.

I indee get way more energy here on vacation. Wemt for a run today in the morning. Feels amazing. Still very careful with my body and getting into it slowly and carefully.

The art of happiness and joy effects me instantly. I am currently sitting here on the veranda in front of a big river, listening to bird sounds relaxing. And the thought comes: this is a wonderful moment. But instantly also the inner critic comes and says you should feel that during work…and i start to see how wrong i was…and how wrong i was to seek fullfillment through work aswell.

This idea of shamanism…or becoming a healer…and seeking purpose out of helping other people…has the fundamental issue of that fullfillment is bound to the success of the person who wants my help…but there are a lot of variables…is this person really trying? Binding joy and happiness to sucess is a bad idea.

It feels way more corrent to find something that I am so convinced of…that I want to birth it i to the world…and have that as purpose. But to find that…this is the big thing…this process is allready working withhin me since some weeks…
Lets see what this retreat will bring…maybe this is the thing i am looking for.

#380

Other than that, i go deep down i to the ADHD rabbithole… It makes so much sense. The rubberband in my life…that everything takes so much effort.

A lot that comes up for me: i dont want to live like this anymore…with this, i mean in this negativity.
I have been resistig psychoatric medication for a very long time…but when this retreat now doesnt help enough…i am gonna go for it.

As this purpose amd life path question comes up for me, i start to see that not all of my inner parts are standing behind this ayahuasca shamanism path. A lot of my parts have quite big reservations…the main points being that this is a shitton of responsibility and the issues regarding legality in most first world countries.

I am still standing quite firmly behind human design…but there are some things that i dont really liek about it. Sometimes is is quite judgemental i feel…or constricting. Sometimes its helping me to say, oh wow, its okay to be like that, but in other ways i dont want to let go of things simply because someonse says that this is not me.

Also I would like to have something thats my own…going deep into human design would be somehow like being a vaccuum cleanes salesman…and while i know that this is not completely true…as i would develop my own view and my own way of transmitting it… I cannot stand fully behind it…but maybe this is a matter of time…atleast this is what my therapist said…she says i am o the way of discovering my purpose…and all those things i study are somehow part of it…but its to early to see the whole picture yet. Getting shivers while writing this.

1 Like