A life worth living and dying for - MechaShaman

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#381

Arrived at a beautiful small hotel in the jungle of norththailand.
Gonna be here for 5 days.
Using this time to do inner processes.

Yesterday I had a deep realization aboht the duality of sadness…when I am sad about something, it shows me what is valuable for me…and what to strife for in my life…i had this realization about sadness, that instead of resisting this pain of not having a girlfriend…i can embrace how beautiful this experience was and look forward to when i will have one again…because…lets be real…i am 34…i will have another girlfriend. This voice/fear in my head that i wont find anyone ever again is complete and utter bullshit.

As i am writing this, i feel sadness again…this missing of a purpose…whats the other side of it? I have the space to fill with a purpose. And i start to realize: my perfectionism and spiritual super ego has highjacked this… there are so many believes and rules in my head about what purpose would be “ok to have”…and this claim that it would need to be perfect for the rest of my life…
This is all so wrong.
Just take one simple thing…and follow along. It doesnt have to be the perfect thing. It doesnt have to be something that is without any error. But atleast I start taking action. I start to see how i am very paralyzed with taking action because i only want to take action in the “right” direction…but there is no right and wrong. The only thing that is there is this limited life…and i am in the wonderful position to have nearly every chance open.
On the one hand i start to see how this abundance of options is paralyzing…but on the other hand i start to see how most of those things arent options for me at all…nost of these things are things that others do…

Its very interesting how this vacation is going with my best friend…being in a different country doesnt change at all what we are doing. We still just want to do our processes. Listening to subs and journal. Do yoga, meditate… But with less noise around us and better food that is cooked for us :sweat_smile:

The art of happiness and joy showed me one thing in particular: the greatest joy lies in following my inner impulses…but i have to be careful, i dont mean the inner impulses created from adhd impulsivity, but from those that arise out of a calm mind.

I start to see how much i have been missing this journal. It really helps me to bring order into my mind.
I feel i should start to read more what i write…to update my model of reality. To update my view about myself.

#382

The art of happiness and joy seemingly brings a lot of healing…
I am being confronted again with my fear of betrayal and fear of being abandoned by persons that i truly love and also need in my life.
What came to me is: what is the other side? How to flip the script there? The only thing that came to my mind was: show those people that you value them. Show them love. And not let that fear of abandonment ruin everthing…

There is a deep sense of sadness and negativity in my emotional body. It says: i trusted you and what you told me was wrong and didnt lead me to a happier life. It only brought me further into negativity. But this is not true for all people…this is only valid for some…and only valid for some things those people said…this story that all that those people said was wrong, hurtful and manipulative is simply not true…its time to let that go.

And on the other hand…people i now trust also havent only given me good advice…some of the things they told me also havent led to a good outcome…

This leads me to an interesting observation: for the people i trust, when i get a good advice, i give them credit…when i get a bad advice i take myself responsible for listening to their advice…
And i start to see how much responsibility actually lies in giving advice. Especially to people in need. To people who have e.g. mental health problems. Or are in a crisis in life.

How to make that better? Who should get the credit? It feels like it comes back to a paradox again…on the one hand there is some responsibility with me…both when i listen to an advice and do it…but on the other hand there is also some responsibility at the other…for only giving advice that is calculated and informed…

This brings me back to an interesting topic that i read some time ago…the concept of informed consent… That you can only make actual good decisions if you are properly informed…in modern soviety this is mostly used in medicine…but the level of misinformation that i have received from doctors (especially psychiatrists) has breached a lot of trust.
Only by informed consent it is possible to give advice.

I start to see again. People talk way to much and have way to lose mouthes…and when i wrote people…i know that i actually mean myself with that…

So how to change that? Turn down the internal motor again. Relax more…
Maybe this is what i need the adhd medication for…

#383

Wow…a lot is happening on that trip…a shitton. It will be a lot to integrate…

Currently at that retreat/workshop…and i start to get to the main issue of my depression…i tell myself no way to much. I repress my aliveness…i dont allow myself to go for the stuff that i want out of fear of becoming addicted to it…

I repress my sexuality and aliveness…out of fear…my mind is afraid of it…i dont allow myself to have weed here…i see all those sexy woman in bikins and my mind is clheless how to talk to them and because of that represees all those impulses.

I feel very cobfused about what to do right now…but this is good…because i learned that a feeling of confusion means becoming more sane.

There is a big fear i side of me for letting my aliveness take over. For just living in the moment without thinking of the consequences. For just going for it. For just following my impulses…living in the moment…letting go fully…jsut to go for the next weed dispensary here and use some.
So many fears of the unknown…but what is the worst that could happen…that i take another year on weed and stop at some point…
What is the best that could happen?
That i learn to have a healthy relationship with it. Or that i see that i dont like it anymore…like with my exgf.

I start to see how my mind is filled with fear.

#384

Wow…making vig changes in these past days. It feels like my brain is starting to learn to be regulated.
Still…not going back to weed is quite a struggle…there is a part that wants to take the easy route…the shortcut…to relaxation…
But i want to get there without drugs. I am finally at s point where i dont take any substance other than my daily coffee and my adaptogens…starting taking cbd…it helps a lot it feels…but it has no psychoactive properties…so its good.
Having very deep experiences during meditation now that my body isnt going crazy anymore.

I just had a really interesting revelation…
I had a thought that said “I feel loneley”…but the i asked myself…do i feel lonely? And I didnt…now that i get more and more calm, i start to see the crazynsss of my mind…and how my mind activates feeling from the past…

#385

Its super interesting…i am going through a process of ego death again…
I have these phases…where I completely disidentify from the persona i thought i am…when i start to see myself from the outside. It happens when I am in a really calm place, and emotionally regulated.

All the agendas i normally have are gone then. All this drivenness is gone. I am in pure beingness.

Its a crazy state to be in…but at the same time its super peaceful. Finally nothing to do…but on the other hand…there is this nagging feeling that i should know what i want to do with my life. But i start to see how unhappy this is making me…all these goals…

#386

My mind is telling me that i should feel unhappy as i haven’t reached my goals…but actually i dont feel unhappy.

There was this layer of persona on me…that somehow fucks up my life. I hope this wont come back again…but it could happen.
I feel liek this is the me when i am properly regulated and not following any agenda and not putting any super ego overlay over my life.

#387

Puh…woke up with a complete sorr body today…will take a lot of rest. Yesterday i was at a yoga class jere at the hotel…its been a while. Ot felt great to move my body strongly. So today i need to regenerate.

Its really beautiful that i get into a state wheree i can disidentify with my story…and reevaluate what parts of me i want to keep and which not.

I start to see that its time to take a step back from shamanic medicines. It has been way enough self medication…i am compassionate though snd when life gets hard at home again, some help is okay. Microdosing mushrooms would be the go zo for that.

Its crazy to see how my mind tells me that i should feel lonely. I dont wanna live in the past anymore.
Some days ago i heard of this technique to add a My mind says… In front of every thought…this changed a lot.

Also i am learning in this retreat how important intention is. How important it is to set an intention in the morning…when i dont set an intention and let go of the steering wheel, i will just ride the ways that were here before…and i no lomger want to ride those.

#388

I am definitely going through some sort of death and rebirth process…its at the same time wonderful and dreadful.

Woke up quite pissed after my nap…on the one hand I am having some very deep revelations and see very clear here…but its easy talk what i do here…not going back to nicotine, no drugs/medicibes anymore…easy talking in the sunny thailand yoga retreat with a lots of people around to chat with, people who cook for me etc.

I have to stay realistic…no big decisions right now. No big new years promises. I am allready underresourced at home…
Durig a look back on 2024 practice we were asked for a word that came up…and for me it was sacrifice. I gave up so much stuff…and didnt really get something for it…maybe inner strength…but i have been abusing myself for far to long.
I gave up so much things “because its good in the longterm” that my short term wellbeing has been suffering far to much.

#389

Its definitely a pattern in my life…that says yeah, this wont kill me…i can do this…and i come out on the other side…but crawling and wounded…and i never get back to a place of actual health and happiness.
I need to be at a place of happiness for some time.

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#390

I wanna get to a point where I am emotionally more regulated. I need to talk to my therapist when i come back…i need to dind a solution to be better emotionally regulated. Rapé was helping. A lot.

#391

This pattern of me to not build any reserves…i was wondering before…but it has something to do with this…i constantly keep the difficulty of my life on 8 or 9…and if it isnt there i somehow make it to go there.

That needs to change.

#392

There is such a big fear in me of losing control…of losing control when in an emotional state and uaing substances to fall back to to regulate myself and becoming addicted again. Amd at the same time there is this wish in me to have something external to regulate me…it is so much work to regulate myself without external things.

I hate living life on this level of difficulty.
Honestly ot feels like i live life on 8-9…and i would rather live it on 3-4.
I dont know how to get there though…

#393

All the time resisting, all the time knowing that it would be so easy…but telling me NO, NO, NO…
Maybe not all the time… but in the times where it gets to difficulty 8-9…and this happens every some days it seems like…

#394

I am so fucking angry. I am so fucking angry about people who are not mental health aware. Fucking angry about those people who say mental health issues are just limiting believes, mindset issues and think they know stuff about trauma…actual trauma. PTSD…not that fucking instagram trauma.

#395

There is a feeling of despair. The fear that this will never get better…
I know that this is untrue…

I start to see how i need another crutch in my life…or another ressource…i havent made a decision yet…have to brainstorm in that regard in the next weeks u til i am back home

#396

I start to see how i have gone a bit to kich out of my comfort zone for this journey to thailand.
Losing the structure of my home, the steucture of my food, the structure of rapé, medicines, my hot bath, my cold shower (water here is not cold) is to much.

Its good to remember how life at home was actually easier. And that i will be home again in 2 weeks.

#397

There is a longing in me for external help in the form of a substance…other people are an alternative…but what i see now in this course…i then have no control over when my emotional processes are happening…and I want to keep my center with other people…as i want to he attractive to woman.

#398

I dont wanna be the guy that has to cry for 2 hours every day.

I wannna be self sufficient and not dependend on another person

#399

Why do i prefer substances over people?
Drugs dont have an opinion about me.
Drugs can allways hold space…
Drugs never say no when i need them…drugs are there when i need them. Drugs dont tell me not now.

Getting help from drugs has consequences that i k ow kf…abd has not the insecurity of interdependability. With drugs i do t have to fear that they go away and abandon me when i started to count on them…

#400

Proud of myself…i am going through my whole abandonment trauma by myself right now…sober, no help feo someone else…

My anger says i never want to count on another person again. I never want to be hurt like that again.

And the story of my divorce comes again…
Where i completley merged with my exwife…and she abandoned me…

What i learned in this course…you cant take out trauma and not put something else there…so what do i wanna exchange the belive I trust noone with? I TRUST MYSELF OVER ANYONE ELSE