Servus 
I’m swiss 
we have some mountains, too 
Brilliant insight. I take my slight of it 
On the way back to the hospital…I felt the internal pulse to make a spontanous visit at the sexual therapists…I realized some time ago that I have so much performance anxiety…that it creates a lot of resistance to engage woman for “quick sex”. There is a big fear of seducing and then not being able to deliver…
Today it went way better than the last time…the lady was quite helpful though…we looked each other in the eyes, this was helping me relax. I allowed myself to regulate my body like I learned it (I am quite loud doing that with the moans)…and I remembered…with my ex it was the same…I am simply extremely vocal during sex.
Went much much better than the last time, had way more control over my ejaculation (the last some times I came very fast)… Also I allowed myself to talk way more, be more vocal, voice my wants, etc.
It was a very very healing experience that gave me a lot more confidence…I think when I have a connection with a woman over an evening or so…it would be even better…
Proud again for myself for my courage…my body was actually shaking up entering the brothel…but i simply fully let go and let everything happen.
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I feel very tired now. That visit to the hospital was quite taxing to me. Also I feel some reccon…I guess from the loop of Heartsong I had jesterday.
I feel disguted of myself…but its again not me speaking. Its a projection again because of going to prostitutes…“what my mother would say…”…
Interesting. For me this was a very healing experience.
This journaling is really helpful vor me to voice these things…
I nearly dropped back into old habbits…got a mail from netlix that the next season of arcane is out…i nearly called the day a cheat day and started binging it.
But I know…when I start this will take me back. And I dont want to make steps back.
Cancelling the mail subscriptions to netflix. Proud that I resisted. Need to get up and take the rest of my energy to prepare some food.
Interesting what stories appear in my mind…what fears…
What would your future partner think of you?
Fears of not getting a woman, for beeing somehow tained now…
Even though I recently met a woman who said that men who care for themselves with going to prostitutes are actually courages and its good.
Also a voice says: “your a loser, you cant even seduca a woman”…
Yes. This is a weakness of mine…I am working on it. Having a weakness doesnt make me a loser. Taking continous action torward a goal is whats making me a winner. And knowing that each of those steps will make me stronger and better. I dont compare my starting point to anyone else.
I was actually told several times that since starting all this sexuality journey…I have changed SOOOO much…and people take me as a role model for how much change is possible. I dont really see it…maybe it has to do something with smoking weed…and me not remembering that time so well…
Regarding the fears concerning a future partner…whoever doesnt accept me, my flaws and the tools I uses and use to facilitate my healing and achieve my goals has no more place in my life. I am gonna cut you out. This can become rough for my mother. But I need to do it. I dont have energy for bullshit…
There are also a lot of other judgments coming up…from religion. Christianity…but actually…Jesus was it who helped the Prostitute Maria Magdalena…he had no issues with her. He didnt ask her to stop what shes doing…He just said…Whoever is without sin throws the first stone…
This time was relieved when I got into the fangs of a Hare Krishna Guru for some time…I learned something about spirituality…but all those rules made me run away…especiall at the moment where when he told me You have to follow my advice now and misstrust your intuition…if you dont do it, in your next life, you will be a worm……Fuck off. Fuck off from my life. You dont now more about reality than others. Its a good reason this is called a sect. Extremism is never good.
And judging is never good. I admit…I myself judge people. I put them into boxes. I am sorry. I cant stop doing it. I feel ashamed for it. I label people. I dont love all people the same. I love those more that benefit me. I am no holy man. I am no sait. I am a sinner. And I cant stop it.
All those rules, shoulds and people telling how to live a life…its disgusting me. Its the worst…This isnt happening out of love…noone noes what is good for the other…we can only give advice. We can only help people in the way they want help. Without hooks. All else is evil. And not happening out of love.
I am proud of my dark side. In my darkness lies my strength. And all people who play only love and light and want to fight the darkness…havent understood it.
I am my only judge. Its in my power. And I am forgiving myself for being a human being. I accept myself for being limited. I accept both my dark and light side. And I want that those tho befriend it each other. That there is peace between those two sides…I am not participating in this war. I choose peace withhin me.
I actually want to put emphasis on what happened when I got so tired today and wanted to start binge watching…it was this repressed shame…when I go into that freeze response…its a sign of shame. I have to remember that.
And I also want to point out that the Rapé saved me in that moment. It helped me to recenter and to start feeling and journaling. So no more shame for Rapé.
And I want to pat myself on the back for making this couragous decision of not giving in to pleasures. Instead watchign an online course now about the Dark feminine Archetype by the “Sex rabbi” I have taken those life changing retreats at…
And I realized…I am at a point in my life where I am getting initiated into dark secrets. Into some of the deeper hidden mysteries of spirituality. Awesome
Anger comes up…this course about the dark feminine is deep…it confronst the Patriarchal conditioning in me…These whish of having control over a woman…that she surrenders to me…
I guess thats good…but a part of me doesnt like it.
I learned of the dominant and submissive dynamic in Tantra meets BDSM and it has soem beauty…but what I have seen with my Ex is that its very very exhausting to allways be in the dominant role…as the dominant role carries 150% responsibility…opposed to the 100% of the submissive…
I wish for a relationship of equality. I wish for a relationship where I can also sometimes drop into my feminine and the woman goes into her masculine…That its a dance where everone takes the lead for some time…
Freedom is something thats very important…but I admit…I am afraid of imagining a relationship of pure freedom…where everyone can follow all their desires…open relating etc. But on the other hand I see its beauty…I guess I am simply afraid of all the Jealousy processes that would come up…but everything with its time…one step after the other.
Whats interesting in this course is that not the light masculine gets the woman…but the dark masculine…not the whiney man…but the man who stands on his own… so I really want to work on embracing my dark side…more and more and more…
And for thats its important to drop all those rules, should musts. All this shame about anything of me.
Find strength withhin me and not take anyone above me.
Its interesting…I often think of my Yoga Tantra techer from india…there is a childish part inside of me that want to prove itself to him…that want to tell him…Hey look at the progress I have made…tell me I did well please…and as I write this down…I ask myself…How can I include this withhin myself? I guess it has to do something with the father role…as from yesterdays process I saw that I wanted to prove my mother…and the same is happening with my father…
Human design says about me that I dont have to prove anything to anyone and that is one of my weaknesses…trying to prove myself and that this is my biggest weakness (or actually, the weakness of around 70% of people)…so how to stop proving myself? I guess the answer is unconditional self love…
Help me magical ChatGPT
Learning to stop seeking validation from others and giving yourself unconditional love is a beautiful and challenging journey. Here are some steps to help you along the way:
1. Identify Your Self-Worth Patterns
- Reflect on What Drives You: Ask yourself why you feel the need to prove yourself. Often, it stems from a desire to be accepted or from past experiences where you felt “not enough.”
- Notice When You Seek Validation: Be mindful of moments when you’re tempted to seek approval. When you feel that pull, ask yourself if this act truly aligns with who you are or if it’s just an attempt to earn love or approval.
Yeah…I am starting to see it…The why am I trying to prove myself? Wow, immideatly I feel a constriction in my throat…it says I am not good enough…A Voice from my childhood, an image of a child standing infron of its parents and anchestors saying I am sorry for dissapointing you…But here it comes: Its not my duty or job as a child to make any of my forecomers proud…The Disney movie Mulan comes to my mind…I really liked that movie…there its all around making the ancestors and family proud…I start to see the pattern of how this is programmed into children to control them…to abuse them basically…
Lately (Since starting emperor, I listen to a lot of German Hip Hop again…Sido…one song is called
Mum said:
Here is the English translation:
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky? My mom said
I should be good, ever since day one (hey, hey)
“Put every dime in your piggy bank”
But I never wanted to be normal, that must be such a pain
That’s what they’ll say someday on my gravestone
Mom said
Blah-blah, but apparently (hey, hey)
I haven’t listened to anyone since I was young
I was supposed to become a cop, but that would be nonsense
'Cause then I’d have to keep arresting myself (ha-ha)
I was supposed to be a teacher, supposed to think about the future (hey, hey)
But as a teacher, I’d just skip school
Sorry, man, I’m kinda messed up
I don’t care what anyone else says
This is what I got…
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky? My mom said
“Listen to your heart, boy, know your worth, boy” (hey, hey)
“Go your own way, you can learn from your mistakes, boy
You’re an astronaut, reach for the stars, boy
Only you set the limits, forget about geography”
Mom said, “Let things take their course” (hey, hey)
She said, “Boy, let your feelings out”
And that’s why I always barge in
That’s why I sometimes overshoot my mark
I know my teacher would’ve wanted it differently
But so what? (hey, hey) Now the whole wall is filled with gold
Mom said I’m cut from a different cloth
And today she says, “Son, mom is proud”
This is what I would have loved to hear…it shows me how to treat myself…
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky?
I told my mom, “Mom, don’t worry” (hey, hey)
“No one ever died from messing around a little”
Mh, I don’t know why I make it so hard for myself
I know it’s hot, but I keep touching the stove
I dance out of line, even though I can’t dance (hey, hey)
Always talking like I’m sitting in the chancellor’s office (blah-blah)
You can only shut me up with duct tape
My therapist says I’m a bit nuts like a party gun (boom)
I don’t have time to grow up (hey, hey)
Life is tough, but I take it lightly
I’m annoying, loud, and cheeky
That I don’t feel sorry for it – well, I’m sorry
This is what I need to accept myself…
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone, and now everyone’s singing along
My mom said, if I want, I can be anything (hey, hey)
So I went a little crazy
I was only in school to annoy everyone
Dude, aren’t we lucky? My mom said
This preserves the spirit and rhythm of the original text while translating the message into English.
According to human design I will always seek validation…its a weakpoint of the mind… so dont try to fill the why more…But I am starting to get faster seeing that I seek validation…like from that teacher…Better befriend my demons…
2. Reframe Your Self-Talk
- Replace Criticism with Compassion: Start noticing critical thoughts about yourself and reframe them. For example, if you think, “I’m not good enough,” counter it by saying, “I am learning, growing, and already enough as I am.”
- Affirm Your Worth: Use affirmations that resonate with you, like “I am worthy of love and respect just as I am” or “I am proud of who I am becoming.”
Reading this…I see…I AM DOING IT…I am doing the correct things
3. Create a Safe Space for Yourself
- Honor Your Emotions: Let yourself feel without judgment. Giving yourself unconditional love means accepting every part of yourself, even the parts you struggle with.
- Establish Boundaries: You may need to protect your energy by setting limits with people who make you feel inadequate. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out but about honoring your needs.
I am getting there…I may be a bit harsh with boundaries…and going all out…lets see with how this calibrates in the future…especially regarding this equal relationship thing…
4. Practice Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
- Forgive Yourself for Mistakes: True self-love isn’t about perfection. It’s about accepting yourself despite your imperfections and forgiving yourself when things don’t go as planned.
- Treat Yourself as You Would a Friend: When you’re feeling down, imagine what you’d say to a friend in your situation. Often, we’re kinder and more understanding with others than we are with ourselves.
I am learning all this…I can improve regarding the second thing…to look at myself from my best friends view…But for now its super helpful to have that friend to tell me all of that in physical reality 
5. Focus on Your Values, Not Achievements
- Clarify Your Values: List the values that define who you are, like kindness, honesty, or curiosity. Let these guide your actions, rather than constantly needing to prove what you can do.
- Celebrate Growth, Not Perfection: Celebrate small personal wins, like being consistent in self-care or making time for your passions, rather than external accomplishments alone.
Wow…this is something new for me…So at some point its time to work on my values…celebrating growth is something that I start to do…sicne I found the 
button…I may look a bit to much on achievements…
6. Engage in Regular Self-Care Practices
- Find Joy in Being with Yourself: Do things that make you feel alive and connected to yourself. Spend time alone in nature, journal, read, or simply rest.
- Embrace the Power of Mindfulness: Practice being present. When you feel drawn into comparing yourself to others or looking for validation, gently bring your attention back to the present and remind yourself that you are enough.
I am doing it…this is my journey
7. Let Go of Perfectionism
- Allow Yourself to Be Human: You’re not defined by every decision, success, or failure. Embracing your flaws as part of your wholeness will free you from the endless cycle of proving yourself.
- Celebrate Self-Acceptance Over Self-Improvement: Personal growth is natural, but don’t view it as a means to make yourself “better” in the eyes of others. See it as a journey toward aligning with your truest self.
here I can grow…seeing growth as a Value of me…something that happens when I am myself and let go…and also somethings come to my mind…I dont have to do anything to grow…I just have to be…there is no doing needed…no forcing…Exactly what has not happened in my childhood…I wasnt allowed to jsut be a child…and then to outgrow being a child…I guess that somehow happened with the developmental trauma…whatever…not tell stories about the past…Now I am getting better and better at allowing myself to be a human and fucking up…And take the growth as something that happens out of myself when I let go
8. Commit to Loving Yourself Unconditionally
- Make a Daily Commitment: Every day, remind yourself of your commitment to unconditional self-love. Imagine what a day filled with self-love looks like, and try to carry that feeling with you.
- Write Yourself a Love Letter: In a journal, write about everything you appreciate about yourself. Revisit this letter whenever you need a reminder of your inherent worth.
it feels like I am doing it…by continously making the wise choice…I may be a bit to strict with myself…lets see…That love letter deeply triggers me… so I have to do it
Letting go of the need to prove yourself and embracing self-love takes time and patience. But with each small step, you’ll find greater freedom, self-acceptance, and peace within yourself.
A Love letter to myself
What do I love about you? I love your commitment to growth. I love your commitment and drive to become more and more of yourself. I love your honesty. I love how you forgive others. I love how concerned you are about not hurting someone else. I love how careful you are not to grow a to big ego and putting yourself above others. I love how radically you have become in letting go the things that are not good for you anymore, be it people, patterns or things. I love your commitment to staying in the present and regulating yourself. I love how you try to show up all the fucking time. I love how well you talk. I love your wisdom. I love your creativity…your creative approach to how to heal. I love you running heads in into fear. I love how you confront your demons heads on. I love how you can be gentle. I love how you can be rough and hard. I love your stregth. I love your power. I love your resiliance. I love how you get up again and again over and over again and try again.
I love you for how you ARE not for what you achieve.
Something where I can massively improve my selflove…
is to ask myself how I feel and anwering honestly.
I feel lonely. I feel desperate. Feeling vulnerable right now. Tired. Exhausted. I am pushing myself quite in the weeks…and is I wrote this things…I let those feelings go…simply by acknolowding they are there…I have awoken again to my mature self.
I want to get more used to this feelings hygiene…all of those feelings will come again and again. Its time to stop resisting them. And to accept…also a grown up man can feel those things…and its no sign of weakness…Its no sign of not being adult to be vulnerable. Its a strength of a man to look inside and see these things.
I dont know where these feelings come from. I ask myself…are those feelings really my feelings? Are they artifacts of the past? It doesnt really matter…what I see…is that I can feel them and then they disappear…I can hold space for them fully.
And I see…I take care of them. I take measures to have more company. I take measures to take care of my energy levels. I take meassures of making pauses…I am okay with all of them…
And I start to see the impact of Emperor Daddy…the mature man who has seen it all…and who owns those feelings…
While feeling them, I felt like my old me…like a teenager…not like my adults self…being in my mamalian brain…not in my higher brain where I have control over my feelings.
Its actually really astonishing what this month has gotten me…I feel like a total different being. And this shows me that I have to move onward. So that this new me becomes my default me. Take good care of me. Nourish myself. Love myself in whatever state I am. Stick to myself in any moment.
There is also some sadness coming up…and a feeling of injustice. Anger. Dissapointment. Joy. Its the inpatience…inpatience of not beeing where a part would like to be…To not see the level of success I am feeling withhin me in outside world…and I sense…some part wants prove again. Wants to be seen by the world for all this transformation I am goingt through…But the most important person in my life sees it…Myself…Isnt that enough? Something thinks that I can buy something with that inner feeling of success…buts that not how it works…
But I am sure…that everything will unfold beautifully in my future. I am sure that a bright future lies before me. I have hope. I have confidence. And I also see…that this transformation that I am going through has to be rock solid. Because in outside world this success will get challenged. And I am actually quite happy that right now, I am only challanged by myself…
in two days a big challange awaits me…birthday party of someone from my family. Lets see how I can stay there in myself. See it as a challenge to integrate that new me. A challenge to stay true to myself
There is work to do regarding my Dark Masculine…
Allways when I tap into it I feel so powerful and strong…my body gets more energy.
There is shame of my dark masculine. Shame for wanting to be successfull in this material world. Shame for wanting it all…Whenever I am connected to my Dark masculine, I am so drawn to running wanted Black again…I start to see…there is no other way around…Its not time to have a commited monogamous relationship…From what I read Emperor Daddy is suited for this aswell and is better suited for the foundational groundwork that I am currently building. But when I am back from thailand Ill give Wanted black another chance…or another Run of Khan.
What areas of my life am I ashamed of? What is the Dark Masculine for me? Before I go into ChatGPT…
Its about wanting more out of life. Its about becomin the creator of my life and TAKING IT its about taking what I want, even though there is some resistance. Not only take whats free or where there is an equal energy exchange…its to go for things that are not for sale. Be seductive with Women in realtionships. Flirt with any woman I encounter. Its about not giving away all the knowledge I have collected for free anymore and rather charge for it…When I am totally honest…I dont want to work for under 250€ an hour anymore. Another part says…start low, start slow…But I know of the wisdom I have gotten till now. I know that if one talks to me an hour…and truly integrates what I tell him…He will have a different life. Completely changed.
What else is the dark masculine? Wanting to be rich. Wanting to rise in status. Wanting to be better than my brothers (talking about all the men)…embracing rivalary between men…but as I write this…not in a bad way…but see my brothers as challangers for me to grow…but where we know…this is just a game…like the olympics…Noone hurts each other seriously…and when one falls down we help each other up again.
Embracing Anger. Embracing my wish to change the world. Or change my world. Protect my own world. Protect who threatens my wellbeing, be it physical, mental or emotional. Its about becoming strong and willing to show that strength. Its about the willingness to hurt others…if someone doesnt get hurt, they dont learn.
Its about embracing my sexual nature. Its about telling a woman that I want her. On her knees…in front of me. Its about dominance. It was interesting…before going into the brothel yesterday…I walked the streets some minutes and regulated my system…And suddenly when I got regulated…the Khan came out of me again…The Khan is the epotome of the masculine Shadow it feels like…Emperor is still about Taming the Demon…but Khan is riding the demon.
So much Anger again regarding that situation with my Parents. I have to take that anger seriously. Else I wont get healthy. I know that solving the enmeshment with my parents is the door to me becoming healthy again.
I have to change something. I need to push this issue further…There needs to be one more serious talk before I go to Thailand. We have to agree on a deadline. And I will stick to that deadline. If by then we havent solved the issue in the family Ill go the route that I dont want to take…Kick out my parents out of that process and do it all by myself…tell them to give me all the keys and paperwork and not to put foot into that house anymore until we figured it out.
My health is at risk. My future is at risk. I need to make changes. I have become Stronger now.
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The Khan that part withhin me…that when it meets resistance PUSHES HARDER…That part that doesnt accept a NO. That part that is ready to go into war.
I start to see how I need that part in my life.
And I start to see how this part was so deeply repressed in my childhood…My parents couldnt cope at all with Anger. So they deeply made us repress it. The only chance to get something when they first said no to it…was through whining…or through making promises.
I need that part. I need it desperatly in my life. I will continue to be a pushover if I dont develop this. I dont know how I will develop this quality…But i know spirit will guide me.
Lets see if that whats inside Emperor will be enough or if I need some other subs to this…
Yesterday I felt that the time with heartsong is kinda over…as only my light masculine wants a relationship…But my dark masculine wants fun. And I start to see what they say…to properly game a woman i need practice. To be able to keep her attracted and her pussy wet for me…The light masculine game is no issue for me at all…I got that. Easy. But the dark masculine is what I need to step into. Only by doing that I can engage the Dark feminine without repressing it.
I am realizing something…I have never been told by my parents: YOU ARE AND ADULT MAN, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER BY YOURSELF…never…this is all I want. To be treated like an adult man. They never set boundaries.
If they would say that I would get back into that hosue project…and finish it as mine.
But this enmeshment…doing it together…is whats normally happening in a lovership…and as I went through that process with my mom…I start to see that my inner feminine must have this incestous relationship with my dad aswell…
Now off to the Human design course…
Have you seen Dr. Bryan Ardis’ protocol for this?
Any comments regarding NAC or other ideas?
Thank you. I havent. I did a quickgoogle search. Is this only available in podcasts or do you have a source to read through it?
This was an intense day of Human design.
The deepest realizations happened upon looking at my mothers human design and our connection analysis…its destined that we have problems together. Its destined that we have our up and down…out of which growth happens…its destined that we experience a lot of stuckness and pressure…until at one point this pressure breaks and a quantuum leap happens in our relationship…
I admit it. I am afraid of conflict. But I want to learn to get better at conflicts. I really want to learn it. I push this out to reality…concious guidance…Give me some small conflicts to solve…to stand up for myself…So I can learn to stand my ground and take my place.
Some part feels fear. I have the image of the inner child beeing deeply afraid of conflict. But the adult in me sees that I can do it…
Maybe Emperor: Power can corrupt* would be a fitting choice instead of Heartsong.
Tomorrow Ill run Emperor Daddy and Alchemist again. Lets wait till next week if Im still finished with heartsong. But this connection with my dark masculine is important. I need to connect with it.
I had this idea…what are some promts to say…to my mother when engaging her…to call out her bullshit…
These are new things to say for myself. I never did it before…stuff like:
What are you trying to say with this?
Why are you saying this in this tone? What are you trying to tell me?
It hurts me that you never ask how I am developing, do you want to know?
Please dont tell me how to live my life. Im an adult man now. When I need your help I will ask you.
Dont you want me to be an adult man who stands on his own feet?
What are you afraid of? Lets talk about it.
What are you concerned with? Tell me, so I can take away your concerns.
I am making changes in my life to be more happy with my life, but I feel put down by you. Dont you want me to be happy?
What do you actually want me to do?
The relationship with my mother is very difficult. Its all about playing happy family. There is no space for change…atleast this is how it felt like up until now.
What I start to see is…I need to start to talk in questions. Allways put the ball to the other.
Had a very bad nightmare today…like I haven dreamt of zombies recently that want to eat me…i have dreamt of being in a car crash and seeing my mother die…but this was on a different level…
I was in a mall…just innocently looking around…suddenly i recognized some adolescents recognizing me…and following me…I made the mistake to get out of the mall because I wanted to walk home…they started to get faster than me…on going in front of me, one of the guys burnt me with a cigarette. I started to run. They kept following. I wasnt faster than them…Upon writing this, an Image of myself from my teentage times…where I was the worst in sports and overweigth comes to my mind. I ran somehow a circle back to the shopping mall…and kinda said…Ha, now I am safe, I am gonna take a cab home. But they replied…there are no cabs coming to this mall, we choose this place because noone stops us here.
Then I woke up. WIth an intense sense of fear running through my body.
A lot of this comes up with this story. When I was like 13 or so and on my way home…some foreigner Kids attacked me with stones on my way back home. They threw stones at me. There was story with them…they just found joy in attack people with stones.
In my dream the adolescents were also foreigners. Here in my country, in the last years it get more dangerous and dangerous…in the news there were storys of groups of teenagers raping teenage girls.
There is this deep sense of powerlessness that I feel…in the beginnign when I woke up, I thought of ways to fight myself out of that situation. How to prepare myself for such a situation. But then I realized that those was one of those situations where it would be unwise to have a knife etc. because you could maybe hurt 1 or 2, and then the others would take even stronger revenge. So I went back to the spiritual approach…feel the feeling, process it…burn some incense to regulate…this was just a bad dream. Not real. Dont let that nightmare induce fear in your body. Dont let it stick so it manifests in your life.
Better to go through this experience in a dream, rather than real life…
Still…this powerlessness triggered me deep…but it tells me something deeper…it has to be deeply asessed if I fight something…only take fights that I can win. Dont take fights I have no chance of winning…and as I write that down…the solution for this problem would have been to throw out my money and run…and as I write this…there is a demonic voice inside me…telling…its not about your money…we just want to torture and torment you…
As I write this…memories of my school time come back…being an outsider…day by day. Only beeing let in the group if I was the punching bag for verbal abuse…smiling foolish and embarassingly as a respone…I didnt know any answer…The only thing I could do was really let my anger loose…and then I was ridiculed by the whole group…starting to cry right now…
My anger was deeply repressed from childhood. My younger brother verbally abused me to no ends. My parents didnt manage to control him. It went on and on and on…crybaby, crybaby, crybaby……I wanted to hit him…maybe once I did it…i dont know anymore…my childhood is mostly clouded, I had no memories at all at the beginning of theraphy. But violence was not allowed for my parents at all…and somehow I hadnt had the abilities to emotionally be stronger than my younger brother…I was like 5 or 6 by that time. It happened nearly every day. And I had no way to stop it. And when I cried…my mom told me: its just words…words cant hurt you…ohh what lies you told me…words do hurt. words have an impact. You didnt protect me at all. You fucked up massively. Good job with raising up 3 kids and all of them being screwed…while beeing a fulltime mom. You fucked up…you fucked up massively…
Yes…this powerlessness reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me of how powerless I was for abuse…where the authority didnt protect me. But yeah, I get it now…the only way to protect myself is by myself. And when not beeing able to protect myself, taking it as a lesson from the universe…
Super interesting that this dream about powerlessness comes up exactly when I get into this topic. Exactly when I start to practice and rehearse how to set boundaries to people who disrespect me…Back then I couldnt do anything…But now…I can simply walk away. I dont really fear anything happening physically to me. My mind tries to convince me of this danger as I write this down, but I dont believe it. I am safe in my home and country. My physical body is safe. And the emotional body is fast to heal.
It fills me with shame to write this…but there is a part in me that wants my mother to die. That this would make life so much easier. I feel bad for it, but if my mom would die…it would create so much relief for me. My dad…not so.
It was good that this tantric practitioneer told me to work on the mother wound…It goes so much deeper than I thought.
When I am in this dark masculine…and ready to confront my mother…there is this feeling of mischievous joy inside of me…there is a feeling of payback. There is a feeling of finally I am strong enough to dominate you. A feeling of finally I am bigger than you. But in those moments I also see that my mother in reality is a hurt little girl in an adults body throwing tantrums and just orchestrating everyone around…
I guess its not easy for her…being the only female in the family with 3 sons…But this is what it is. You cannot choose what kids you have…in the beginning of my process, it came so often to me that my mum actually wanted a little girl. Gave me dolls to play with.
My father was quite absent during my early years…he was a far destination pilot…often gone for a week or so…For sure my mom used me to regulate her emotions…as a surrogate spouse…
This shit is so fucked up…its so fucked up how this childhood turned out…you may believe that the son of wealthy people in a wealthy country has an easy life…but fuck…but I guess…everyone has their backpack to carry…I have no financial worries…so the emotional and mental ones can be harder… lets not get into comparison and victim conciousness again…
I am fucking angry. And sad. And dissapointed. In my parents. And life itself…Why does this need to happen? Why do I have to go through this…and I realize…I dont have to go through this…I could jsut fall asleep again…continue to life in patterns. But I dont want to. I choose to confront all of those things…I could cloud my mind with weed again. Could start drinking again. But I dont want to…I want to get to the other side. I want to get to freedom. I want to express myself authentically. I want success in life.
Today there is this family meeting. Gonna talk with my parents about a deadline for exchanging my house for money. Its been 3 months since we talked about what to do. The deal was that I arrange an electrician who finishes the electrcity. did that. Hes nearly finished. A reasonable deadline is the end of march. And I had this idea…as their only reason is that they dont know yet, if my mom or one of my brothers should own it…They can just give me the money and we do that stuff later…but then I have peace.
It feels like this is gonna be an intense day. I get more and more connected with my power.
Crazy fullmoon time.
Made an exception today and immediately went from bad to this journal…without cold showering…but needed to process this dream.
In the past days I have become a bit reluctant on the “be your own [moderator edit: please do not use that word anymore]” hour…started to let this drag a bit…welll…its not true…on those days I had appointments. Went to the hospital. Started early with my human design course…should do a little of this stuff today…even though I dont like…but it is what it is. It needs to be done. I want to be done…And as a man I need to do it by myself. There wont be anyone anymore who will do it for me…
I feel like an outcast. So many people talk about the family…the values of the family…and for me the family is no safe place anymore. Its no place to relax…its actually a place to be challanged…the roughest challenges of all…
5 mins of emperor daddy…processing the sub with Breath of fire.
During that, I felt that its not the time for E:WTP…Rather limitless…It has a more broader approach for my life and hits more things. And I am getting this point of growth allready since some days using emperor. I was considering Limitless allready since a week.
Listened to Limitless for 3 minutes. I like it. But choosing against E:WTP may have been running away from what I deeply fear. My power. Why? Because I am afraid to hurt someone… Why? Because I am afraid of the consequeces… Fear of being abandoned. Fear of being called out. Fear of being sent to my room. Its all not true. And this hurt I am talking of…is emotional Hurt. I am not afraid of hurting anyone physically. Of losing control…That wont happen. My mind tells me stories…but it has never happened. Or actually it has happened…Once I got so mad during a laser tag game that I ran over a small child. There I lost control. I feel deeply ashamed of that. There I lost control over my anger. For a reason that was completley inappropiate. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. I forgive you. I feel shame for attacking a child. I was around 19 or 20 back then, and that boy was maybe 12.
Back then I was very immature. Now I have grown…But what this shows me…I am capable of doing that. I am capable of physically attacking someone…somehow this takes a weight of my shoulder and relaxes something inside of me. Its there. I feel shame. My mind tries to reason…its the fault of the facilitators, that they let adults play with children…but in the end…its my fault. I was the perpetrator back then. I was the bad guy. I have it in me. Some part of me is shocked writing this. Some part that condems other people who are violent. But I did it myself…I am just a human being. No saint. Luckily nothing physical happened…yes I inflicted an emotional wound. I maybe even a big one…a trauma? Who knows. Can I forgive myself? Yes. My mind though throws a lot of things at me. That adults should never attack children, than as an adult I should have known how to control myself…I didnt. And know I know why. I never learned it. I am only starting to be an adult with 34. Before I was a child. I didnt know better and I couldnt do better. This rule of you are an adult with 18years…bullshit…
Regarding the fear of emotional hurt…making someone cry isnt an issue for me any longer. When someone crys I actually get off…the child in me is afraid of when mommy is crying…there is an image popping up from my childhood. when we were at the doctor with my smallest brother and he was diagnosed with a catharact…from birth on…my mom really cried…and I didnt know what to do. I felt completley helpless…but its super interesting that I felt drawn to help her…I felt that I needed to do something to change my moms feelings. It shows the depths of the emotional incest and enmeshment between us.
For me sickness and such issues where never really that much of a problem. death wasnt such a big deal…atleast when my grandparents died. It was okay. Yes I cried…but I could go on…the death of my for some years best friend was harsh…he didnt tell anyone about his cancer…we hadnt had much contact in his last years, as I was together with my exwife. But before we got together he was an amazing friend…we shared our first name actually. We shared our geekness. Wow, he was really amazing. allways interested in new stuff. Allways creating something new. He was very productive and active…had a girlfriend aswell…where he had good balance between being with her and not being with her…
When I got together with my ex-wife it was instant being glued together…life outside of our relationship faded away. That was way to intense and unhealthy for me.
Getting reminded of one of my best friends before…when I was 15 i met him. During that time I was deeply addicted to world of warcraft…this guy kinda pulled me out into reality…and into christianity…well the first 1-2 years were great until i got to those fundamental guys. But before it was kinda nice…a little bit like the ayahuasca and yoga people…singing, hugging but no Sex (but actually it happened in the shadows and was badly talked about then by the ones who didnt do it)…
But this guy was a lovely friend…until he got together with his girlfriend…I was around 17 back then…From meeting me every or every other day, we just met once a week anymore…I felt really abandoned…Back then I didnt have the tools to process that. I guess this is the time when I regularly started smoking weed and cigarettes. And thats okay. I see it now. I see through how much abandonment and betrayal I went in my life. Yes from the outside view it was natural for that to happen…but from my personal subjective view…from the view of a 17 year old that had the emotional maturity of a 2year old…it was life devasting and shocking…
I really only now start to see what impact it had on my life to never learn how to feel sadness…to not being able to cry. To have this blocked by shame…“men dont cry”…“mummy is sad when I cry”…damn…how much impact it has on a life when a child cannot learn how to feel emotions. I am feeling compassion for myself right now. I am sorry for all the times where I have gaslighted myself…that its not that bad, what happened to me.
Its fucking bad having Developmental Trauma and C-PTSD is fucking bad. And thats okay. Only through that journey I met my bestfriend of now. Only through that path I learned of spirituality. Only through that path I learned of psychedelics and ayahuasca. Only through that path I now have this strength and wisom. Only because of all of that I am a scholar of mystery schools and learning the secrets of the universe. Only because of that I am a sex shaman. I bet noone in my class or even school has any clue about that. I bet noone would think that this guy that was mobbed is now such an badass. I am comparing, ego tries to go big. A little is okay. But dont go to hard.
Everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. Ill feel the feelings, surrender to the learnings I make, dont push myself down, look into the shadows, enjoy the peace when it is here and confront my fears. And I love to do that. That inner child may have all this fears…but the adult that is able to hold that child. The adult that is able to hold all those painful patterns, deeply engraved in my emotional body and soul…is fucking strong and amazing. Nothing of those things broke me. All of those made me stronger. Wiser. More capable. More attractive.
When I was with my ex-wife…I had no self worth at all…like all the time…man…its such a difference to now.
I am someone totally different. All this journey was worth it. All this journey is worth it. I go with hope into the future. And confidence. And pride. And courage.
This fear of talking with my parents…what am I actually afraid of? When I hurt their feelings? That they abondon me? To be honest…if they would do that…it would be finally over. the cards would be on the table. It wouldnt hurt me anymore if my mother abandons me. My dad…a bit…
But if my mother wouldnt talk to me anymore…thank you universe. Finally the words are spoken out. Finally truth is there.
There is nothing to fear regarding talking to my parents. They cant hurt me anymore They have no more power over my anymore…
And I start to see it…others have only so much power over me as I give them…as much as I need them.
When I dont need someone he cant hurt me…
You cant hurt me anymore Mum. Send me all your hatred. All you anger…you cant hurt me anymore. I am transparent for you. Shame me as much as you want. I dont give a fuck anymore. If you disrespect me…I am gone.
I have this feeling of a cold blooded killer running through me. At the one hand I feel ashamed for it. But on the other hand…I feel that this is uncondtional love regarding my mother. I finally accept her for what she is. As I dive so deep into spirituality, I keep falling into the dangerous spiritual bypassing trap of forgiving her and forgetting (as I try to stay in the present moment). But I will never forget anymore. I will never forget from now on that I cannot let my boundaries down around you anymore. You are a wolf in a sheeps pelt. You only do nice, till I show my weakness and then you bite…
There comes a memory of female hypergamy…that they test men like that…as a strategy to stay safe…seemingly the oedipus complex wasnt only on me trying to proving myself to her…it was also her testing me.
I really need to write it down deep inside my being/heart/whatever, that woman are wolf in sheeps pelt. Or as I am currentyl learning in that course…they are the Lilith and the Eve. The dark feminine aswell as the light feminine. And so I have to be both. God and Satan. A being of light and of darkness…
Just got a call by a friend who is as old as me…who was suprised by cancer a month ago…and had it removed ASAP. It was in th collon…her takeaway of this was…From now on I wont swallow anything I want to say anymore…So I get some instant warning from the universe. STEP INTO YOUR POWER AND START TO BE ANGRY OR GET CANCER…Im axagerating a bit…but I think you get me.
I start to see that with my mother I have only ever shown my light masculine. I never showed my dark masculine. And for sure…this is the issues. The dark masculine that says after beein insulted…Come at me…challange me into my power…make me stronger…letf fight…I tried to confront it with the light masculine…that doesnt work.
I get it now. The light feminine needs the light masculine and the dark feminine needs the dark masculine. So the question is…how to start switching fast between them? I guess its all about being present and emotional regulated…and it will happen all by itself.
I really need to stop resisting the dark masculine.
AS I drew this picture…this integration is allready starting to happen. I realize that my light side gets less judgemental of my dark side…
and that my dark side…sees the redemption…that it doesnt have to be here all the time…that I dont need to be like that all the time.
In this course it was said that the only thing that brings balance is purpose…that what I birth, that what I bring. My lifes journey.
And I feel like I am on this path. Its time to take both my dark and light side seriously.
And as I write this down. I know my intention for next weeks retreat…
Integrate my light and dark side let those two fall in love. Let God and Satan fall in love. Let them be bestfriends that go through life together…knowing that they are contradicted. Knowing that they continue to challenge each other. But knowing that its not serious. That there is no serious war between the dark and the light…but just a dance…just men wrestling…but after the fight is over…they hug and go for a drink together…giving each other advice and reflecting on the fight. Telling each other where there weakpoints where. No secrets. Teaching each other. Knowing that each of them is needed…knowing that without the other one…they would be deeply lonely and missing purpose.
What a wonderful process this was.
I am feeling something deep withhin me relax. I am feeling a war subsiding withhin me. I feel peace and calmness. I feel that I can allready integrate paradoxxes quite nicely in my psyche. I feel relieve.
Its so wonderful how multiple paths have now lead together…that what the redpill movement says about women…my trauma work. Spirituality…it all moves toward one point. The integration of dark and light. That what will give me peace.
The realtionship of Captain Ahab and mobydick. The relationship of a hunter and the hunted. two parts withhin me that are simply two different sides of the same coin. And a life full of opportunities and different situations that need both of them.
I most likely will fail. As in any calibration. Thats okay. I wont let that stop me. I cannot prepare myself in my home in solitude for everything. Its needs to be integrated into the whole nervous system.
Had a talk with my dad on the phone. I felt myself being drawn into my childish self. But I did put boundaries. I reminded him that I am hesitant to make decision regarding the house because I wont own it anymore. Couldt voice the deadline but will do it in the evening. Also I was invited to not bring a present but to simply write my name on the card. I didnt think…I jsut took the comfortable choice and said yes…But I realized during my evening bath that as an adult IU dont want top do that anymore…so ill bring my own present. I need to install somethiong in my psyche that warns me when I do a comfort choice…the comfort choice is what makes me weak. The hard choice makes me strong…there is no inbetween!
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