Went to a funeral.
The late person was a quiet person in his 50s living alone. From what I know quite a few who visited were associates of relatives.
Feels lonely.
On the other hand, a bit more tranquil, with the people who mattered.
Never ignore health symptoms, always get a checkup. If the doctor is bad it’s on the doctor.
“And here comes in the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both; but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.”
Feels like TWTP’s showing me a lot of external information about social games and politics (there’s even some drama about office politics airing here), but I’m too socially inept to apply them and feel exhausted trying to read and react to people. Pretty sure I’m ‘learning’ completely wrong, probably trying too hard.
Wish to just have a peaceful worklife and go out after being myself while the bad stuff just stays away.
Well what was an emotional rollercoaster of a week has a calmer and happier Friday night.
Thinking’s about it, there’s no point working on my intelligence if I’m too upset to work. I need to get to a better emotional state first.
Attempted to meditate, didn’t manage much.
Binged the office politics drama (Queen of News). Can relate to one of the later meltdowns, though I’m not able to channel it well. It took an opportunity for each character to capitalize on too.
Thinking about what a rotated colleague told me on Thursday, that it’s the bosses and not the others we need to care about, and all the bosses care about is work. So we should focus on a valuable ‘strike’ with our work. I had that in my second year when I was (involuntarily volunteered to be) the spokesman for a small project that went up to the CEO. So I guess that’s the reason for focusing on intelligence.
But still I need to maintain my capacity to work while in the current absence of a friendly circle, and that’s easier said than done…
Ah well, why am I thinking about the office on a Saturday.
Not a strong or trial-by-fire person, given how the week went. Not sure if appropriate if I can’t even handle new Love Bomb.
Utterly unproductive day, mooched, refused to go out or practice anything, ate a lot of junk food.
Dreamed about reading a comic on the couch I was napping on, started with Doctor Doom walking into an unnamed king’s court with political demands. The king offered dinner but teleported Doom into the kitchen where demons tried to turn him into the dinner. Doom fought them off, kicked the king through a hell portal, then met the human head chef who monologued about uh, different ways to season humans before Doom offed him. Doom then walked out of the castle bleeding and thinking to contact Dr Strange but pridefully decided not to.
2nd ‘good’ dream that I’ve had for a long time (says a lot…). Remember light reflecting off the pages, thinking “Are the demons trying to chop him through his armor, then again those are probably magical cleavers”.
Rebuilt custom into KB3 + Heartsong + Inner Circle. Says a lot that KB3 feels light now.
3rd kinda-good dream, was back to 14/15 years old and in some school ‘house war’ early-Running Man style, got abandoned and ‘rounded up’ by the rival house who ended up being nicer, rest of dream was chatting with my ‘warden’ while idling in the auditorium.
Have a (FOMO?) draw to Dragon Reborn: Red but now doesn’t seem like a good time.
Oddly stable this week, but it feels like my emotions are ‘soot’ after last week’s ‘fire’, for a lack of better description.
What happened so far today at work. There’s badmouthing, and there’s congregating to where I have to be and badmouthing as if I’m not there. Not what I was hoping from Limiting People Remover and Fearsome.
I’m too tired to care. Ok I lie, I obviously care enough to type this, can feel the thrums of anger starting.
Faced with the failure of my physical actions (keeping to myself at work, asking supervisor for my desired change in environment) and metaphysical ones (affirmations, SATS).
This is what I’m worried about, that I’ll manifest negative encounters as a lesson in emotional resilience or whatever this is.
Some things to be grateful for:
Yesterday was alright.
Confirmed bonus next month, bit the subhop urge and bought Dragon Reborn: Red. Will swap TWTP for it in July. Thinking to pause Limitless too, experiencing the ‘fatigue’ from before.
Fretful attempt to meditate this morning.
Quiet few days, which is good by me. Although time and again I get the frustrating feeling of being unable to influence my life.
Last listen before washout. I pushed the listening time so some head denseness during daytime today.
Rewatched some Boardwalk Empire scenes. In particular the one where Eli bungles his speech during the Irish dinner and Nucky tells him off to “learn to speak”. I feel kinda like that, that I lack the social foundation before considering TWTP stuff.
Foosball: Guy from another department who’s the only person with competitive experience showed up today after some time, said we’ve improved a lot.
Unpleasant elderly on the bus back home.
Next cycle I’ll shelf TWTP until I feel I’m in a better position to return to it. Feeling weary after months of cognitive titles so will take a month’s break from Limitless too, unless I’m too deficient in the upcoming work arrangement (hah, burnout right before…)
Next cycle I’ll run Dragon Reborn: Red 1 and the KB3 custom. Don’t trust myself to not subhop again but I’ll aim to run these two for 2-3 cycles, and (re-)add 3rd title if I identify a priority deficiency.
I typed this before bed and then had a dream about the Limitless movie, in a bad way (Eddie submitted to Van Loon offering “the extra mile” to oust another NZT user, somehow the discovery of more kryptonite (BvS) is involved)
Silly dream? How should I interpret this?
Really bad day. Stuck, lonely, paranoid, banging against the invisible yet tangible bars of reality, questioning why good people get cancer, go into ambulances and coffins young. Feel like Frankenstein’s monster, light seems more distant and colder.
Mood is still mostly dark even after the weekend. Was thinking if this is a reminder that I’m not a diamond-under-pressure person and shouldn’t switch to Dragon Reborn: Red, then figured since I’m already down I may as well. Starting with 1m30s.
Well blatant things happened today and I feel resignedly calm throughout it all, like the ending of Feel Good Inc. Can’t even feel angry as I type this unlike before. Not sure if result or recon.
Yet at the same time I seem to be strangely encouraged by ‘reality’ to think contemptuously of itself. So I haven’t been 1984ed yet. Not sure what to make of that.
I guess to be more open, my thoughts today are like “oh the rats’ usual game again, guess this is my life”, “ah the 180 shift because he needs something from me today, haven’t smelled this fakeness for some time”, “another road that leads to Rome” etc. A very weird derogatory resignation.
Watched an elder on a PMD yell at others on the bus to get out of his way and continue to hurl abuse afterwards. LDN by Lily Allen started playing in my head.
Work hours spent on bureaucracy, wiping drives and reinstallations.
Won all foosball games today.
Frosthaven last night and one turn I had a strong feeling that my miss (1 in 20) was coming up. Played my cards anyway and the miss came up. Otherwise we beat the boss quite well.
Woke up this morning with a strong desire not to go to work. Dido’s “My tea’s gone cold and I’m wondering why…” playing in my head.
Took the lift down and it stopped at a middle level. There’re two lifts, someone’s probably waiting at the second one so I called out ‘Hello?’. No response, let the lift doors close when some auntie rushed into view from the other side. I hit the open button in time, she stormed in glaring at me.
Thought “she must have thought I pressed the close button to deny her access, just a misunderstanding, don’t be so sensitive”… Then “why am I rationalising her behaviour?” But what should I or could I have done anyway.
Stepped into office and bumped into one of the unpleasant ones. Went for lunch and bumped into one. Got up for water and bumped into one.
Foosball: “HumanBean you should learn to trashtalk, try it every time you stop a goal.”