A human bean's journal

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Starting first public journal with a new cycle on Monday. KB4 + QL2, + Love Bomb?

Goals:

  • Intelligence: So far I’ve been getting away with a good reputation at work, but I’ve only been on projects with my specific niche. Also I’m atrocious at music and sport, but I want to try again.
  • Physical: Improve martial arts/sports, basic abilities. Fix energy blockages (KB has been solving these amazingly). Get a flatter stomach. I was on Spartan, but am picking up music + got the intuition to improve my respiration, so started QL.
  • Social: Where to begin? Quiet loner, typical nice guy, recently suffering ostracism from the new hires at work. After a year of trying to mingle, at work and outside, I’m burned out. Thinking of running Love Bomb to (re?)gain some self-love.

Following Billion’s MWF routine, tried it last cycle and found it convenient. Will experiment with the triple stack if I decide to run Love Bomb

3 Likes
#2

Sunday night: KB4 5min, LB 5min, QL2 5min.
Surprisingly okay, only mild head tension around QL2 4min. In contrast QL1 was very hard past 3min.

Monday:

  • Woke up with warm arms, a benefit since starting KB.
  • Morning work: Secluded myself in a lab few have access to in order to not see or hear offending people. Just stared at the computer screen with no desire to work.
  • Lunch break foosball: 2 wins on offence because my defender scored over half the shots, got complimented on an angle shot though. Atrocious 1-10 loss on defence, as usual I’ve trouble clearing the ball and got stuffed(?) thrice. Offending people were not present in the lounge.
  • Afternoon work: Attended a meeting on behalf of my boss to talk to a vendor. Intended to get answers about vague parts of their proposal (“what is this ‘additional useful information’ your product collects?”) But I bungled the phrasing with a bunch of erms and uhhs, keep thinking I came across like an idiot.

Evening: Muay Thai + Boxing classes

  • Brainfart moment when I was wrapping my left hand. Stopped and stared at it feeling something was wrong, unwrapped and wrapped my right hand first, then repeated the left only to do the same thing again. Still can’t figure out what I did differently the first two times
  • Coordination and balance were very off even for myself during the first half of MT, got better.
  • Got a lot of corrections about my kicks, crosses and hooks. I’m a noob so always something to improve but it felt like a lot more information today.
  • The people here are friendly but today a guy started chatting with me during breaks. Got a pretty bright “goodbye, see you next week” from him and a girl at the end of class.
  • Noticed on the way home that I was breathing through both nostrils. Usually one side is blocked, but I don’t think I’ve had that at all today.
#3

Tuesday:

  • Sleep disrupted by external noises, woke up cranky and off. Bit of chill in arms, nose blocked etc.
  • Work was ok.
  • Lunch foosball: Lost 5-10 (offence), won 10-4 (defence), lost 3-10 (defence), won 10-2 (defence). Same opponent offence the last two games, went from failing to see her shots to blocking almost everything.
  • Offending people showed up at the lounge. I focused on foosball but got stuck in a bitter mood after that, took effort to refocus on work.
  • An unpleasant effect during QL1 happened again: Last January I hurt a nerve in my left arm and there was painful tingling from my fingers to my left upper back. It healed in March. When I played QL1 it came back in force until I decreased the duration to below 3 min. I chalked it to QL1’s healing of the nervous system, but tbh my arm was alright before, and it didn’t feel improved after. Happened again now on QL2 but milder and briefly.
  • Night: Old board game friends suddenly called for a session tonight and we started a campaign. Very happy as we haven’t played for months, since the main initiator has a child now.
#4

Tuesday night: KB4 5min, LB 5min, QL2 5min

Wednesday:

Incoherent resentment-filled rant
  • I suffered (suffer) ostracism from a group of new hires at work. Not the kind that ignored you from the get-go. The kind that was friendly at first and kept talking to you, made you think it was safe to come out of your shell, then pulled stunts from ignoring you to walking to your cubicle, turning their backs and having loud conversations about that recent thing they did that you weren’t aware of.
  • Take action. Before subclub, I tried to take action. Ashamed that I’ve to do this at my age, but I tried. Privately talked to them, “did I offend you? Do I make you uncomfortable?” “Oh nothing’s wrong with you at all. We’re not intentionally doing anything.” “Then can you keep me in the loop, this loop you keep mentioning?” “Yeah yeah.” And nothing changes.
  • This isn’t the first time, I’ve suffered the same thing in a decade ago. If the same pattern repeats, it must be my problem, right? So I analyze and analyze like the overanalyzer described in the NEW Primal. I’m quiet. I’m boring. I don’t drink. My interests are ridiculously niche. But I have tried to change, tried to learn the in-things. At the end of the day, are these flaws such crimes that they’ve to actively seek me out and show me that I’m not part of them? When they’ve told me that I’ve done nothing wrong?
  • So maybe it’s time to take them at their word. Maybe I really did nothing to deserve such disrespect. Maybe it’s not my problem, it’s theirs. I suffer disrespect for nothing that I did. And it’s upsetting that society lets this slide, celebrates such people. People who can be disgusted at “women flashing tits on Tinder” while giggling at “fourteen years old is old enough”.
  • And last month, someone else confided in me that he too was struggling to fit in with this surge of new hires. So I’m not the only one after all.
  • In the past I walked, but this time it’s my job. I came here first. I was happy, I was doing well, I was alone but I had space, until the bosses decided they needed to quadruple the head count when we don’t even have that many cubicles. Why should I have to put up with nine waking hours of this? Why should I be the one secluding myself in the lab? I wish them gone, but I don’t know how. I can’t trust society for help. God for help. Universe, karma or whatever higher power for help. In my experience they’re not benevolent to our kind, they don’t love our kind. Don’t expect love from people, from higher powers etc. We can only find love from ourselves. I can only love myself. “The rest of the world will not.”

Recon, self-victimisation, or some kind of angry twisted path towards self-love?

#5

Night:
Drum course started, first drum lesson, was fun! Able to handle hands-only exercises. “I think you can go even faster.” Guess my lion dance years helped.

Legs were ???.

“Are you left-handed? I’ll teach you the right-handed way.” Yet another difference again :sweat_smile:

Got my own sticks, pad and a textbook. Reminder to look into room soundproofing.

Feeling much happier.

1 Like
#6

Thursday:

Went to cubicle to do slides.

“Oh HumanBean is here.”
“Haven’t seen him for a while.”
“Ha ha ha.”
“HumanBean…”
“The worst.”

Older colleague I work with came back from a trip, gave me a pack of sweets.

1 Like
#7

KB4 7min, LB 5min, QL2 3min.
Overshot KB so cut QL listening time.

Friday:
Leave, stayed at home, slept till 11, trapped in bad memories, slobbed around.
Rewatched an Annie Wersching scene. Old thought from when my godfather passed (of cancer too) resurfaced “Good people die young”.
Feel like dropping LB.
On a positive note I made two bowls of tea and napped without a shirt under air conditioning, and was fine. Thanks KB.

#8

Saturday:
Emotionally alright. Nonchalant? Numb? Heart has a feeling like a scab, and head is clear.

Physically though, lethargic, sleepy, nose blocked, queasy stomach in the morning.

Free tarot email service I subscribed to

Using a traditional cross, I drew the following cards for you:

  • Your assets: the Moon (18)
  • Your obstacles: the Fool
  • The way to go: the Chariot (7)
  • The outcome: Death (13)
  • The Lovers (6)

While studying your draw this morning, several elements caught my attention. First a feeling of loneliness which you have had for some time. The Moon and the Fool represent a nostalgia that prevents you from feeling completely fulfilled in your daily life.

For that, HumanBean, you have to follow the Chariot and be optimistic about the future. You know, I feel it’s a terrible injustice when I see a person like you encounter difficulties. Fortunately, the cards show a better future with exciting personal developments. HumanBean, the association of the Chariot and Death indicates that in the coming days an event should allow you to get back your smile and a taste for life. The difficulties that you are encountering today seem to fade away, to be replaced by a big personal transformation.

HumanBean, you really need to contact me…

Koto practice: Muscle memory got through last week’s piece, unable to keep up with the new piece.

Japanese class: Suddenly got cancelled. Not a bad thing for me, needed a nap.

Tea ceremony practice: 天籟と茶箱!

Parents’ for dinner. Mom’s cooking is the best.

#9

Sunday:

  • Mishap at home, left hand in pain. Should I still go for Muay Thai tomorrow
  • Maternal grandmother’s birthday today, gathered to celebrate.
  • Toddler nephew is adorable. Wanted a slice of the birthday cake but has phlegm, people tried to dissuade him by telling him the cake is spicy :sweat_smile: Sister told me he was trying to find me later because he figured I’d get him cake (I would have :grimacing:)
  • Times have changed. Sixteen years ago my father rained hell on me when he found out I was in lion dance. Today he asked me if there were toy lion heads for my nephew. Asked me to go back for dinner more often.
  • Someone’s journal said Love Bomb = presents…? Got handmade chestnut cake from an aunt.
  • “You haven’t baked in years, HumanBean”
#10

KB4 5min, QL2 3min

Monday:
Ran updated Love Bomb 5min at 10am local time.
Mostly melancholic.
Team leader is in a workshop so I’m tasked to manage while he’s gone.
Tfw a bug report’s stack trace involves garbage collection.

Wrapping paper my aunt used for her chestnut cake has some interesting trivia. “The earliest credible evidence of either coffee drinking or knowledge of the coffee tree appears in the middle of the 15th century, in Yemen’s Sufi monasteries. Coffeebeans were first exported from Ethiopia to Yemen<>the bean. The word qahwa originally meant wine, and Sufis in Yemen used the beverage as an aid<>”

Lunch break foosball: 10-9 (def), 8-10 (def), 10-4 (def).
Two spectators bet coffee over the first match, “HumanBean you can block this you’ll block this no no no yes yes yes…”
First straight shot from the 2-man.

Boss asked me to go to the same workshop tomorrow.

Left hand is better but a sore throat started after lunch (oh no…), so skipped MT+Boxing…

Reread Frankenstein. Wiki-ing Sufi metaphysics. I see wujūd and think wuji but it’s probably a coincidence?

#11

Sick the last two days, cooped up at home with a sore throat, moving into the phlegm and minor cough stage.

KB4 5min, QL2 3min, new LB 3min

I think I’ve some resistance to LB, resentment spike at the big and little shits I’ve been going through.

1 Like
#12

New LB 5min, KB4 5min, QL2 3min.

Quick curious observation, I got the recon headache extending new LB to 5min, then it promptly vanished when I started listening to KB4.

#13

Wish I have results like everyone’s from the new Love Bomb :cry:

So far whenever I play it I get the sense of a message from the universe, “Stop trying, I designed your life to be lonely and rub it in, just accept it and suffer”

I mean the day new LB came out I got the compulsion to reread Frankenstein, it’s like the universe is reminding me I’m its Creature

#14

On the way to koto practice this morning, I saw an old man in the neighbourhood ‘underpass’ playing an erhu by himself.

Felt a sense of camaraderie, we picked up the instruments we like, in his case all the way to his age, but they aren’t mainstream and so almost no one else appreciates it.

Even starting western drums this month, the drum Telegram subgroup I joined is called “minority group”. Tack on left-handed struggles.

Have an appreciation for the Internet in being able to find others.

#15

Sunday:
Logged into Pokemon GO just in time to realize its Primal Kyogre Raid Day. 15/15/14 from the first raid.
Just after clearing the fourth raid, I said “shiny”, and I get a shiny. 15/13/14 too.
Figured to catch a Castform before I exit, and it’s 4-star.
Thank you intuition or universe or something.
Cleaning up some shitty fanfiction and board game ideas on my hard drive.

EDIT: Occurred to me that this happened after I read saint’s Mind’s Eye results in its thread, though I wasn’t visualizing. Now, just read in the NFTW thread that Mind’s Eye is being updated?

Yesterday I was thinking of someone I miss, now that I think of it I was remembering specific details of her face.

Mind’s Eye beckoning?

#16

Mind’s Eye 5min, KB4 5min, QL2 5min.

So the head tension thing vanishing when I run KB4 happened again. If I’m to guess listening to a more familiar sub helps.

#17

Got loudly judged last night in an ice cream shop for trying blue pea vanilla ice cream. I seem to attract these kind of people.

Last listen for this cycl e, then review and decide what to do next week.

#18

Mind’s Eye 5min, QL2 5min, KB4 5min.

Workshop objective achieved but since I wasn’t around last week, figure I’ll continue and review the previous stuff.

Reflections on this cycle:

  • KB4: Was great. When I was sick the energy went down as expected, but after recovering it’s back. Since I’ve only had (major, but only) energy changes, I’ll keep on running to see if anything else develops. Maybe I’ll try going down to 3min.

  • QL2: First day I recorded observations that may be its influence, but nothing observed after that. Was sick so couldn’t observe respiratory changes. It’s not been as hard as QL1. I’ll try running for another cycle.

  • Love Bomb: (Old) Externally I received some kind gestures, but the shitpullers pulling their usual shit keeps me down internally.
    (New) I seem to be manifesting the lesson that I’m wired differently, I will always be an outcast whether I choose to be myself or try to fit in, I will be targeted and I have no choice but to suck it up (or go postal…). It’s not that I have overt or disturbing differences (the colleague who makes pedophilic comments aloud is well-received…), but even my simple actions and preferences just seem to be different, and get picked on.

    Screenshot_20240306_112448_Samsung Notes
    Screenshot_20240306_112448_Samsung Notes970×1029 94.7 KB

    Sigh
    Funnily enough I was comfortable when I first did the test, until the office grew infested and I allowed myself to be suckered.
    The other thought is that I’m only valuable for knowledge, which once passed on, I’m discarded like a tool that has served its purpose. 11 years ago this same pattern first happened in university, where I was the “homework guy”. But strangely that time I was also kinda “pursued” and fiercely supported by people who’re my dearest friends to this day. But this time I don’t have such luxury, the colleagues in the know “don’t want to know”.
    Maybe it’s recon, since I’m experimenting with schedules and on hindsight I should have washed out between old and new LBs. But not having anywhere near the results people are posting from one listen is kinda disheartening. :cry:
    Post ended up in a ramble

#19

Second day of washout.

QL2 effect? Was able to breathe well briefly.
Some of the moodiness alleviated when I finally met IRL with someone who has been away for a bit. She shares some traumas and difficulties with me (neuroatypical, social difficulties, unpleasant fathers), so IMO we get each other to a good extent.

Realized that there’s a certain freedom journalling in private after all, so will probably try that and just publicly report results or something.

1 Like
#20

New cycle: KB4, QL2, Emperor

Started seeing “Emperor” here and there during the washout. Though I think I’m reading too much into these things.

I don’t have Genesis/Ascension, but got Emperor from an offer. Never ran it before because I wasn’t interested in the wealth part, but hey won’t be complaining if I get results.

This is what I’ll like to achieve, although I’m still lacking the social skills. During the washout I came to remember that I was a lone wolf and comfortable with it, until I opened up to the wrong people. I want to go back to that. Could use some “fuck off from my cubicle and my hearing and my sight” too, though I’m not sure if anything can help with that.

Think I ought to go back to two subs on listening days, so I’ll try this out. Day 1: Emp + KB4, Day 3: Emp + QL2, gradually increase KB4 and QL2. Kinda feeling FOMO about new Limitless/ME though, should I prepare to swap again… :grimacing:

Finally returned to Muay Thai after two weeks, had fun. Coach randomly massaged my shoulders

1 Like