A human bean's journal

Journals - Major Programs
#22

First week with Emperor (5 min):

  • Social: I’m getting more disrespect from various people, and mostly feel jaded in response. If this is resilience building I don’t like how its happening though :cry: Read on the Emperor thread that some people experience a down at first, so I’ll see how it goes.

  • Today I approached someone over her attitude, got the expected “oh no I’m not trying to be rude”. The key is she did become more polite after that. The last time I tried that I got the same reply and a double-down on the attitude the same day. I’ll see if this one’s politeness carries on.

  • Since Thursday I’m apparently suddenly blunt. My supervisor wants me to be more so though (I was being constructive apparently).

  • Thanked a colleague who’s rotating out and gave him some coffee, he was good to me.

  • Productivity: No increase at work, but at home I’m more motivated to do chores and settle little tasks. Started cooking lunchboxes and having fun experimenting, so far rice and beans, blanched vegetables and omelettes.

  • Signs and stuff: There’s a Marcus in Muay Thai, and the coach when calling him at one point went “Marcus, Marcus… hm, Marcus Aurelius”. Which reminds me that I lent out Meditations years ago and haven’t gotten it back.

KB4 (7min): I’ve become a bit “heaty”, so I need to drink more water and be careful with food. Weather’s been hot recently so that may be the issue.

QL2 (7min): Kinda memorised my side of a koto piece and managed to play it once without looking at the score. I “zoned” throughout that play, but failed on other tries when I had stray thoughts or “stoned”. Had a “zone” experience during foosball on Thursday too.

Stick to QL2 (only one listen this week), or advance to QL3, or wait for Limitless? Then thinking about RoM which I tried for a week in Jan, then thinking of getting SB experimental. :sweat_smile: Need to stay disciplined.

#23

Endure

Don’t change subs

#24

Reviewing 4th listen of Emperor (3.30m) before the 5th:

  • Less aversion to chores, dishwashing. More diligent with skincare. I can focus just a bit better at work now.
  • Today I feel like I’m on some kind of emotional Panadol, feelings somewhat numbed.
  • Still disrespect, and talking behind my back (literally) that I seem pissed off. I don’t know whether this is my nice guy syndrome flaring up, or me setting up a boundary at last and the relevant people not being used to it. Not sure if it’s cope or self-concept but I tell myself that I’ve never had this for the first four years at work, it’s not my problem, it’s them being ugly. But I still don’t know how to take action against this.
  • On the good side things are good with people who’re friendly to me. I don’t think I’ve changed my behaviour towards them, nor have they towards me.
1 Like
#25

I caved, played Heartsong 3.30min on top of Emperor (3.30) and KB4 (3.30).

Morning was really moody, but the day actually went a bit brighter than the past ones. Had some pleasantries with random people and longer conversations than I’ve had in a while (guy who came back from a trip, senior with a son looking for my experience doing a double degree, another drum instructor while I was waiting for my drum lesson), while feeling jaded to offensive presences.

1 Like
#26

Bought a KB4/Heartsong/etc custom. Intended to listen for 3.30 but it was surprisingly smooth with no head tension, so I went to 7min and still alright. Stopped there and not listening to anything else though to be cautious.

Some Emperor things last week: The person I confronted maintained her politeness last Saturday. Her partner went “So we’ll do this and <he>'ll do that” and I told her “if you want me to do something, talk to me directly”. She gave an awkward “uhhh yeah that’s what I’m doing”, but started addressing me directly and more politely after that.

Workplace was a mixed bag.

I think I’ve plateaued on QL2, maybe it’s time to switch up.

Should I make a new thread now that I’ve got a custom?

Happy Hari Raya Puasa! Congratulations on the end of Ramadan :slightly_smiling_face:

#27

QL3 time

1 Like
#28

What I ran:
ql3

What I expected:
seed-gundam-2458419550

What I got:
aff
Which isn’t a bad thing, I had trouble blocking out this inner saboteur. Also, TIL lip syncing and holding the words in my mind’s eye helps (literally visualized the above).

#30

Past few days have been alternating experiences of friendliness and rudeness.

Read oloy’s experience of Emperor: The Will To Power, it didn’t cross my mind before but suddenly seems to be the obvious ‘Stage 2’ after Emperor for my situation.

Yesterday lunched with rotated-out colleagues and they lamented on the extreme politics at their current end. A guy who’s had his trust betrayed too told me the two of us are a bit too naive, we share what we find too easily and he’s learning the “don’t make yourself replaceable” thing. It’s true that I’ve lucked out on a benevolent supervisor and in the past a more benevolent workplace.

On a Heartsong musing, I understand it’s a romantic title but it’s helping out internally and socially, I’m a straight guy and guys are friendlier (popping by my cubicle to tell me there’s food, cheering during foosball, more conversations).

#31

Some observations I’m attributing to QL3:

  • The blocking of intrusive thoughts, like the crappy Paint picture in a previous post: when absorbed in a thought, other irrelevant/intrusive thoughts are pushed out of ‘vision’. If they do come in, they’re like skew vectors to the main thought, and I can pause them, resolve the main one and change the intruding ones if they’re bad. Stopping intrusive thoughts is under QL2 I think but it’s much more pronounced for me since starting QL3. I have Inner Voice in KB4 custom so maybe that’s synergizing.
  • There’s a different kind of productivity from Emperor? Emperor helps to get moving, QL3 helps to keep going.
  • The bad: My tendency to get lost in thought is excerbated recently, had to be ‘snapped out’ by someone at least twice. Haven’t walked across a road without looking yet, fortunately, but today I’ve self-‘snapped out’ in front of a road crossing a few times. :grimacing: Thank you childhood teachers for ingraining the stop-and-look habit.

Saw the Synergy release and have ideas for rebuilding custom, but will hold off until I feel ready to build and run two.

3 Likes
#32

Started Emperor 30 days ago, now going to rotate out so I can start TWTP on 6 May. Thank you for helping me with emotional resilience. I hope I can maintain that and the improved productivity.

Ran QL3 7.30min last night, kinda bad focus today. To reduce listening time next listen.

Weird dream last night:
A woman who resembles a niche celebrity I like (one of her characters in a webdrama, to be precise) joined my workplace. Slightly hostile at first, rest of dream was embarrassingly cheesy, we found out that “We Are Not Alone” and bonded into a “more than friends, less than lovers” state.
Then she said “You should build your customs by June 12 and add Inner Circle core”, and I woke up.
???
Trying not to put stock into these things, and the dream had red flags tbh. But it was the first nice dream I’ve had for a long time.

1 Like
Weird Dreams 💤? What could they mean? Let us know
#33
Sex-addled brain today

Morning: Woke up and went to work brain-fogged
Boner while trying to debug
Looked through open-source code for reference:
hi = sext(prod:4);
Afternoon: More boners, heat flashes in body
Figured out the problem → boner
Evening: Went to shopping mall, supermarket dairy section:

MANGO CREAM PIE
PLEASURE'S WAY
LOVE THEM ALL

Guess the lack of focus isn’t QL3 overexposure :grimacing:

#34

New Limitless ticks a lot of things I was thinking to build a second custom for (visionary, linguistic + persuasion, body coordination).

If I swap and start next Monday I can finish two MWFs in the first week of June… :grimacing:

#35

Fought the FOMO, ran QL3 tonight. Full loop, no strain. Will add New Limitless instead of TWTP on May 6.

#36

…Aaand I’m reminded why I ended up considering TWTP in the first place.

Fucking office, and it’s “better” than whatever my rotated colleagues are facing.

But I don’t know if TWTP will help either, like do I learn how to get rid of these gits?

#37

Weary. Intuition was a disaster during board games. Good thing tomorrow (today) is a holiday.

Washout this week and consider how to proceed.

#38

Quiet day.

Attempt at minestrone soup became tomato rice. Still edible for me so okay, trying with less stuff next time.

TIL E621 is monosodium glutamate. Will avoid premade broth next time.

Practiced push-shots after work for an hour, ball keeps slanting in the push direction so figuring to compensate. Read on Reddit about southpaws using rollovers/snake shots, but I haven’t been able to figure it out.

#39

Couldn’t do a single push shot during play :cry:

After 3 months, I’m thinking to not continue with QL. Not feeling Stage 4, and while QL3 is nice I’m not getting other things out of it.

Replacing QL with New Limitless as the cognitive title, I can perhaps run TWTP as the 3rd title. So far the public journey here:
QL2 → QL2 → QL3 → (New Limitless)
LB → Emperor → 1/2 Emperor → (TWTP? Funny how this line progressed)
KB4 → KB4 → KB4 custom → (KB4 custom)

#40

Nice night out with a different group of colleagues

#41

Out of curiousity, what do you mean by not feeling New QL Stage 4? Lack of productivity, drive? How long have you been on Stage 4 (or any other stage)?

1 Like
#42

I haven’t run Stage 4. Ran QL1 one MWF cycle, QL2 two, QL3 one (currently washing out). Was considering between continuing QL3, going to QL4 or replacing the cognitive title with New Limitless.

Not feeling as in I don’t feel like continuing QL. Part of it is that my (quickly approaching) cognitive goals are explicitly targeted in New Limitless’ description, whereas I reread through QL’s description and reflected on my experiences and it has been slower (expected) and somewhat “abstract” (manifesting information, but I’m having a hard time using it). But QL3 has been tangibly helping me with productivity, so the hesitation to quit.

This could be FOMO subhopping but I’ve been giving it a week of thought (could use a second opinion though). Could do both QL and Limitless, but I’ll like to get a handle on my social situation too.