Mood is still mostly dark even after the weekend. Was thinking if this is a reminder that I’m not a diamond-under-pressure person and shouldn’t switch to Dragon Reborn: Red, then figured since I’m already down I may as well. Starting with 1m30s.
1 Like
Well blatant things happened today and I feel resignedly calm throughout it all, like the ending of Feel Good Inc. Can’t even feel angry as I type this unlike before. Not sure if result or recon.
Yet at the same time I seem to be strangely encouraged by ‘reality’ to think contemptuously of itself. So I haven’t been 1984ed yet. Not sure what to make of that.
I guess to be more open, my thoughts today are like “oh the rats’ usual game again, guess this is my life”, “ah the 180 shift because he needs something from me today, haven’t smelled this fakeness for some time”, “another road that leads to Rome” etc. A very weird derogatory resignation.
Watched an elder on a PMD yell at others on the bus to get out of his way and continue to hurl abuse afterwards. LDN by Lily Allen started playing in my head.
Work hours spent on bureaucracy, wiping drives and reinstallations.
Won all foosball games today.
1 Like
Frosthaven last night and one turn I had a strong feeling that my miss (1 in 20) was coming up. Played my cards anyway and the miss came up. Otherwise we beat the boss quite well.
Woke up this morning with a strong desire not to go to work. Dido’s “My tea’s gone cold and I’m wondering why…” playing in my head.
Just more lemons today
Took the lift down and it stopped at a middle level. There’re two lifts, someone’s probably waiting at the second one so I called out ‘Hello?’. No response, let the lift doors close when some auntie rushed into view from the other side. I hit the open button in time, she stormed in glaring at me.
Thought “she must have thought I pressed the close button to deny her access, just a misunderstanding, don’t be so sensitive”… Then “why am I rationalising her behaviour?” But what should I or could I have done anyway.
Stepped into office and bumped into one of the unpleasant ones. Went for lunch and bumped into one. Got up for water and bumped into one.
Foosball: “HumanBean you should learn to trashtalk, try it every time you stop a goal.”
1 Like
On the bus back I remembered while in primary school, one of my tuition teachers gave us the white-paper-black-dot moral lesson, we all know the “right answer” and except for one guy we each told her what she wanted to hear (“I see the dot”) so she could scold us for not seeing the white.
Another incident when I was 13 and watching two classmates argue and the edgy one snapped “Whatever you still have it better than kids in Africa”.
Thinking back that was how gratitude was taught.
Enumerated the things I should be grateful for in life, health, pay, not entering a coma and dying like last month’s funeral etc. It was just an enumeration. The only two that stirred emotion are my board games circle and my mother’s cooking (life path 6 hah).
Should I be feeling grateful for the others? I remember praying and thanking “the higher beings out there” after my uncle, mother and coach simultaneously fought cancer and my sister pregnancy complications. Today I’m thinking that if they exist then they had inflicted harm to make a point. Whereas my mother chided me last month for thanking her for making curry chicken, "自己人干嘛这么客气“, which ironically makes me feel more thankful.
It’s a slippery slope to take things for granted, but atm I can’t fake the high vibes. Maybe I’m a bad person after all.
1 Like
Today’s theme is dangling carrots I desire but they’re not for me, because I’m an aberration like Kafka’s Gregor and I should make my peace with that.
The carrot I don’t care about: Cleaning up my old phone, 7k in IBKR is 11k today. Very grateful much thanks.
有钱真的能使鬼推磨?
2 Likes
Woke up to heavy rain till noon so took the day off, cleared Frosthaven solo quest, reread Books of Doom, watched random The Originals episodes.
Remembered BvS Lex Luthor’s “The bittersweet pain among men is having knowledge with no power, because that is paradoxical”. Is the difference between knowledge and information, that knowledge is useful information? Reading about helicopter damselflies isn’t much helpful.
Several mouth tears.
Reinstalled Heroes III and wasted spent the whole weekend trying out VCMI. It’s much less satisfying than working on scans or Pokemon decomp, but for now I have a ‘pet project’ again.
Funnily there’re green/gold dragons for one of the ‘good’ factions and red/black dragons for one of the ‘bad’ ones. Wonder what a Dragon Reborn: Black would look like.
DRR 3min tonight.
1 Like
Had a good dream last night.
Morning: Reality goes out of its way to assert the reverse.
Always has been tbh. Difference since starting DRR is as if I’ve moved past bargaining into depression and acceptance.
But I think I’m building a negative belief if I accept the path dictated by a malevolent reality?
Afternoon: The opportunity I don’t have a choice
Odds are I’m rotating next year. My supervisor leaked to me that the vermin are NOT among the candidates.
The positives:
- I don’t have to see the vermin. I can get out of this “prison flooding in sewage”.
- Supervisor put a lot of words into telling me that those who rotate are those good enough to rotate (“won’t go there and throw face”). I’m supposedly still seen by higher ups as technically strong.
The negatives:
- The definite worm in the apple: I rotate out when the colleague I work well with rotates back in.
- Gossip and previous first person observation is that the office games there are worse. Given all the recent "out of the frying pan into the fire"s I’m paranoid that this cake is a lie.
** Told the above guy, saw the deleted “rip” before the “good for exposure!”. Yeah. - After everything I’m the one obliged to leave, again. The rats and their thirsting gods win, again.
A not-bitter post for a change. Reviewed experiences with subs and modules.
3m30s-45s seems to be close to the sweet spot for subs that I’ve listened to at least for a week. At 5min I think effects if any start diminishing but no tangible processing. 5m10s+ the processing usually sets in. Less than 3m seems to lead to recon, headache (<1m) and bad moods though.
Starting to develop a body timer for 5min, sometimes I get distracted and snap back around that time.
The few subs I’ve run over 1 cycle seem to peter out save KB4, and QL3 is the only other I feel I should have run over 1 cycle, although idk if I would have stagnated on that too.
Before joining this forum, I read a post here about alternating titles every cycle or two, sub1 → sub2 → sub1 etc. Can’t find it again though. Given the above and my tendency to subhop and general listlessness (Gemini Mars hah), maybe I should do that.
Noticed the Harmonic Singularity part of Synergy: Harmonic Conflux, shoulders have been less tense. Cannot speak for Stress Displacer part, naturally easily stressed.
Noticed the Health Codex part of Synergy: Preordained Vitality, maybe Serum X. Been taking light Vitamin C pastilles, received fish essence, looked into He Shou Wu. Cannot speak for the rest.
Noticed effects from Limiting People Remover but will leave that for bitter post.
Noticed Solitude starting to help out.
Noticed spontaneous “feel like doing pushups” moments since starting DRR.
Given my circumstances I probably have a mental blockage with manifestation modules, so stuff like Mind’s Eye and Jupiter aren’t good right now. Stuff like You Are Not Alone and Inner Circle may be pointless given my current perspective on manifestation and people, the staticity of my environments and that I’m likely rotating out next year.
2 Likes
Back to the dark stuff.
On Tuesday I woke up in the middle of the night with:
- Strong heart-anger. None of the painful head-anger mixed with misery and helplessness. I again felt vindicated in my spite.
- Warmth throughout my whole body. The good kind of warmth, particularly pronounced and reached even my toes. KB helped my arms keep warm but this is the first time it’s gone to my feet.
Limiting People Remover/Fearsome - the last vermin to lurk near the foosball area now makes himself scarce. Although during the washout (no listen that Friday) he stuck his nose out again. In addition, another colleague started avoiding me. A now-rotated colleague had complained about him before, so I think it checks out. It didn’t lift my mood.
Caught myself on ‘feel-bad’ reflex about three times.
Finally finished one work project.
Today was told by another about a blatant ostracism stunt this one pulled on him recently. Yeah it checks out.
Crazy long dark dream about a traumatised detective who looks like the woman from The Glory pushed to nearly taking justice into her own hands.
Mood finally lifted, whether it sustains is yet to see. Feeling vindicated especially by knowing that I’m not the only one helps.
In other news, bonus is here, vacation on last week of July.
1 Like
Had a great night with similar-difficulties friend. Though we talked about negative stuff and idk if I rubbed her the wrong way (she went through something relatable recently, but unlike me she keeps a virtuous opinion of people).
Still really great night.
2 Likes
Sick today. Blargh.
Hope you feel better soon!
2 Likes
Bought Paragon Complete and got one of the fastest results I’ve had, esp considering it’s a first listen.
Been suffering a churning and bloated stomach, gas, diarrhea, first day had chills and muscle aches. Just drinking water provokes it.
Last night feeling very queasy after pills and porridge, on a whim got Paragon Complete and listened for 5min. Almost right after the queasiness stopped and hasn’t returned.
I still have bloat and burping, but those symptoms have noticeably diminished. Finally hungry today.
Gonna run just Paragon for the rest of the cycle and then washout.
2 Likes
Stepped back into office and within four hours various people were telling me about the traps in my rotation if I don’t take action, and giving me various actions to take when the time comes… but I figured the other traps in taking those actions.
Either TWTP/DRR result/recon but the motivations behind everyone’s actions today seem obvious. What was that 40k saying? “He was not the man who brought the rasp; he was the rasp.”
Quite a lot of subtle malice from those not trying to get something. Met some new person who kept denigrating with the work-equivalent of “I also know cybersecurity, just run McAfee Antivirus”.
Somehow able to be cynically chill throughout.
1 Like
Figured I’d run one last run of DRR Stage 1 last night.
Nothing happened to me personally but today news, stories and witnessing things I feel like I’m solidly in the “acceptance” stage of my loss of faith in humanity and whatever other malevolence is out there.
There’s the morbid joke about the laws of thermodynamics:
- You can’t win the game
- You can’t break even
- You can’t quit*
- (0) You are in the game
*Well, heard about two other deaths in the past three days.
Just operate like a greedy algorithm from here on.
I’m sure this shift is not the intended effect of DRR but it is what it is.
1 Like
Watched The Accountant yesterday.
You’re different. Sooner or later, different scares people.
Alas I don’t have incredible skills to compensate for my social ineptitude.
May have had precon from DRR Stage 2.
Plan was to put Limitless back in after a month’s break, but recently I’ve been wondering do I really need it? If I can trust my supervisor’s words about my work prior to subs. Maybe resume after DRR?
I do need motivation, discipline and focus though.