Sunday:
Logged into Pokemon GO just in time to realize its Primal Kyogre Raid Day. 15/15/14 from the first raid.
Just after clearing the fourth raid, I said “shiny”, and I get a shiny. 15/13/14 too.
Figured to catch a Castform before I exit, and it’s 4-star.
Thank you intuition or universe or something.
Cleaning up some shitty fanfiction and board game ideas on my hard drive.
EDIT: Occurred to me that this happened after I read saint’s Mind’s Eye results in its thread, though I wasn’t visualizing. Now, just read in the NFTW thread that Mind’s Eye is being updated?
Yesterday I was thinking of someone I miss, now that I think of it I was remembering specific details of her face.
Workshop objective achieved but since I wasn’t around last week, figure I’ll continue and review the previous stuff.
Reflections on this cycle:
KB4: Was great. When I was sick the energy went down as expected, but after recovering it’s back. Since I’ve only had (major, but only) energy changes, I’ll keep on running to see if anything else develops. Maybe I’ll try going down to 3min.
QL2: First day I recorded observations that may be its influence, but nothing observed after that. Was sick so couldn’t observe respiratory changes. It’s not been as hard as QL1. I’ll try running for another cycle.
Love Bomb: (Old) Externally I received some kind gestures, but the shitpullers pulling their usual shit keeps me down internally.
(New) I seem to be manifesting the lesson that I’m wired differently, I will always be an outcast whether I choose to be myself or try to fit in, I will be targeted and I have no choice but to suck it up (or go postal…). It’s not that I have overt or disturbing differences (the colleague who makes pedophilic comments aloud is well-received…), but even my simple actions and preferences just seem to be different, and get picked on.
Sigh
Funnily enough I was comfortable when I first did the test, until the office grew infested and I allowed myself to be suckered.
The other thought is that I’m only valuable for knowledge, which once passed on, I’m discarded like a tool that has served its purpose. 11 years ago this same pattern first happened in university, where I was the “homework guy”. But strangely that time I was also kinda “pursued” and fiercely supported by people who’re my dearest friends to this day. But this time I don’t have such luxury, the colleagues in the know “don’t want to know”.
Maybe it’s recon, since I’m experimenting with schedules and on hindsight I should have washed out between old and new LBs. But not having anywhere near the results people are posting from one listen is kinda disheartening.
Post ended up in a ramble
QL2 effect? Was able to breathe well briefly.
Some of the moodiness alleviated when I finally met IRL with someone who has been away for a bit. She shares some traumas and difficulties with me (neuroatypical, social difficulties, unpleasant fathers), so IMO we get each other to a good extent.
Realized that there’s a certain freedom journalling in private after all, so will probably try that and just publicly report results or something.
Started seeing “Emperor” here and there during the washout. Though I think I’m reading too much into these things.
I don’t have Genesis/Ascension, but got Emperor from an offer. Never ran it before because I wasn’t interested in the wealth part, but hey won’t be complaining if I get results.
This is what I’ll like to achieve, although I’m still lacking the social skills. During the washout I came to remember that I was a lone wolf and comfortable with it, until I opened up to the wrong people. I want to go back to that. Could use some “fuck off from my cubicle and my hearing and my sight” too, though I’m not sure if anything can help with that.
Think I ought to go back to two subs on listening days, so I’ll try this out. Day 1: Emp + KB4, Day 3: Emp + QL2, gradually increase KB4 and QL2. Kinda feeling FOMO about new Limitless/ME though, should I prepare to swap again…
Finally returned to Muay Thai after two weeks, had fun. Coach randomly massaged my shoulders
My supervisor told me that the workshop during my last cycle, whose first week I was sick to attend, was apparently a last-minute thing that we would usually not be reached out to for help offered opportunity for exposure (we do a different part of the “pipeline” so to speak).
Being a last-minute thing, I’m seeing it as a manifestation of learning opportunity. Unfortunately I couldn’t capitalize on it and was cluelessly catching up the second week.
Social: I’m getting more disrespect from various people, and mostly feel jaded in response. If this is resilience building I don’t like how its happening though Read on the Emperor thread that some people experience a down at first, so I’ll see how it goes.
Today I approached someone over her attitude, got the expected “oh no I’m not trying to be rude”. The key is she did become more polite after that. The last time I tried that I got the same reply and a double-down on the attitude the same day. I’ll see if this one’s politeness carries on.
Since Thursday I’m apparently suddenly blunt. My supervisor wants me to be more so though (I was being constructive apparently).
Thanked a colleague who’s rotating out and gave him some coffee, he was good to me.
Productivity: No increase at work, but at home I’m more motivated to do chores and settle little tasks. Started cooking lunchboxes and having fun experimenting, so far rice and beans, blanched vegetables and omelettes.
Signs and stuff: There’s a Marcus in Muay Thai, and the coach when calling him at one point went “Marcus, Marcus… hm, Marcus Aurelius”. Which reminds me that I lent out Meditations years ago and haven’t gotten it back.
KB4 (7min): I’ve become a bit “heaty”, so I need to drink more water and be careful with food. Weather’s been hot recently so that may be the issue.
QL2 (7min): Kinda memorised my side of a koto piece and managed to play it once without looking at the score. I “zoned” throughout that play, but failed on other tries when I had stray thoughts or “stoned”. Had a “zone” experience during foosball on Thursday too.
Stick to QL2 (only one listen this week), or advance to QL3, or wait for Limitless? Then thinking about RoM which I tried for a week in Jan, then thinking of getting SB experimental. Need to stay disciplined.
Reviewing 4th listen of Emperor (3.30m) before the 5th:
Less aversion to chores, dishwashing. More diligent with skincare. I can focus just a bit better at work now.
Today I feel like I’m on some kind of emotional Panadol, feelings somewhat numbed.
Still disrespect, and talking behind my back (literally) that I seem pissed off. I don’t know whether this is my nice guy syndrome flaring up, or me setting up a boundary at last and the relevant people not being used to it. Not sure if it’s cope or self-concept but I tell myself that I’ve never had this for the first four years at work, it’s not my problem, it’s them being ugly. But I still don’t know how to take action against this.
On the good side things are good with people who’re friendly to me. I don’t think I’ve changed my behaviour towards them, nor have they towards me.
I caved, played Heartsong 3.30min on top of Emperor (3.30) and KB4 (3.30).
Morning was really moody, but the day actually went a bit brighter than the past ones. Had some pleasantries with random people and longer conversations than I’ve had in a while (guy who came back from a trip, senior with a son looking for my experience doing a double degree, another drum instructor while I was waiting for my drum lesson), while feeling jaded to offensive presences.
Bought a KB4/Heartsong/etc custom. Intended to listen for 3.30 but it was surprisingly smooth with no head tension, so I went to 7min and still alright. Stopped there and not listening to anything else though to be cautious.
Some Emperor things last week: The person I confronted maintained her politeness last Saturday. Her partner went “So we’ll do this and <he>'ll do that” and I told her “if you want me to do something, talk to me directly”. She gave an awkward “uhhh yeah that’s what I’m doing”, but started addressing me directly and more politely after that.
Workplace was a mixed bag.
I think I’ve plateaued on QL2, maybe it’s time to switch up.
Should I make a new thread now that I’ve got a custom?
Happy Hari Raya Puasa! Congratulations on the end of Ramadan
What I got:
Which isn’t a bad thing, I had trouble blocking out this inner saboteur. Also, TIL lip syncing and holding the words in my mind’s eye helps (literally visualized the above).
Past few days have been alternating experiences of friendliness and rudeness.
Read oloy’s experience of Emperor: The Will To Power, it didn’t cross my mind before but suddenly seems to be the obvious ‘Stage 2’ after Emperor for my situation.
Yesterday lunched with rotated-out colleagues and they lamented on the extreme politics at their current end. A guy who’s had his trust betrayed too told me the two of us are a bit too naive, we share what we find too easily and he’s learning the “don’t make yourself replaceable” thing. It’s true that I’ve lucked out on a benevolent supervisor and in the past a more benevolent workplace.
On a Heartsong musing, I understand it’s a romantic title but it’s helping out internally and socially, I’m a straight guy and guys are friendlier (popping by my cubicle to tell me there’s food, cheering during foosball, more conversations).
The blocking of intrusive thoughts, like the crappy Paint picture in a previous post: when absorbed in a thought, other irrelevant/intrusive thoughts are pushed out of ‘vision’. If they do come in, they’re like skew vectors to the main thought, and I can pause them, resolve the main one and change the intruding ones if they’re bad. Stopping intrusive thoughts is under QL2 I think but it’s much more pronounced for me since starting QL3. I have Inner Voice in KB4 custom so maybe that’s synergizing.
There’s a different kind of productivity from Emperor? Emperor helps to get moving, QL3 helps to keep going.
The bad: My tendency to get lost in thought is excerbated recently, had to be ‘snapped out’ by someone at least twice. Haven’t walked across a road without looking yet, fortunately, but today I’ve self-‘snapped out’ in front of a road crossing a few times. Thank you childhood teachers for ingraining the stop-and-look habit.
Saw the Synergy release and have ideas for rebuilding custom, but will hold off until I feel ready to build and run two.
Started Emperor 30 days ago, now going to rotate out so I can start TWTP on 6 May. Thank you for helping me with emotional resilience. I hope I can maintain that and the improved productivity.
Ran QL3 7.30min last night, kinda bad focus today. To reduce listening time next listen.
Weird dream last night:
A woman who resembles a niche celebrity I like (one of her characters in a webdrama, to be precise) joined my workplace. Slightly hostile at first, rest of dream was embarrassingly cheesy, we found out that “We Are Not Alone” and bonded into a “more than friends, less than lovers” state.
Then she said “You should build your customs by June 12 and add Inner Circle core”, and I woke up.
???
Trying not to put stock into these things, and the dream had red flags tbh. But it was the first nice dream I’ve had for a long time.
Morning: Woke up and went to work brain-fogged
Boner while trying to debug
Looked through open-source code for reference: hi = sext(prod:4);
Afternoon: More boners, heat flashes in body
Figured out the problem → boner
Evening: Went to shopping mall, supermarket dairy section:
Need to stay disciplined.
