Day 15
I woke up feeling the emotional need to spit out thoughts and be honest again, just like yesterday. So I spilled to God for a minute or two.
I feel like stuff I’ve held in and hidden my whole life might actually be coming up. In my 20’s I remember seeking to bring this up via counseling and 12 step groups. I rarely felt safe enough.
Could this actually be happening?
It seems like it is and I’m excited to see this.
Day 17
Phoenix is doing something, and I’m just becoming aware of it.
I’ve not written for a few days, as I felt I kept trying to fit into old molds and identities. “The wounded guy”. Stuff like that. So I blew off writing. But something was brewing on a very low heat, barely detectable.
I’ve been feeling old pain, old triggers, and also old mentalities I’ve hidden behind. And then…these last two days I’ve been raging and reacting to shame of old family happenings–and the beliefs that “I’m responsible for it”. I’ve been carrying this set of beliefs my entire life.
This has been coming into work since I’ve kept imagining a rejecting and shaming boss (or bosses) just tearing me down. I’ve had these beliefs a very long time, and now I’m making the bosses “the bad guys”.
Well, the short of it is that I’ve not really been afraid of responsibility. I’ve been afraid of the memory of that old shame I felt. For example, should I do X? …I’ll remember just a shred of old shame, and I’m like “absolutely NOT!”
For real world purposes, I am maybe 4 classes from being eligible to teach in the public school system. I went back after finishing my BA in 2000 and took about 7 or 8 classes so I could jump in. But I pulled out when I began reliving (internally) old beliefs that I couldn’t do it. That I was just wretched. I just couldn’t handle the shame I kept feeling…
Currently, I work in the transport industry, but I DON"T have a commercial driver’s license. Same reason. Same issue. Low achievement means less emotional triggers.
That’s likely why I paid $3k to join a crypto trading group about 5 years ago…and have never put any money in it.
Today I realized Phoenix is working on that exact issue. I’ve been shaming myself for not taking on more responsibility in life. Today, i realized that’s not really true. I am scared of reliving old shameful beliefs, and responsibility just brings that sense of shame into focus.
I think Phoenix is removing my hideouts and my excuses. Maybe. I just bought hundreds of dollars in small cap cryptos…so something is at work.
Does Phoenix repair me not trusting myself?
Day 18
I discovered something lately, based on my experience. I used another newer vendor’s subs for many months prior to returning to SC for this latest attempt at healing my old wounds.
And I often hit a roadblock with them. I always read his scripts (we met in a subliminal class online, and he’s been building his subliminals and his site since that time). So I knew what was in the subs, and I had great experiences using them.
What I realized using Phoenix was that neither he nor I ever included was rebuilding and restoring my self trust. Self-love, security, confidence, and attraction were always included. But never self trust.
I’m going to be open since I did put this module in my Ascension custom: Art of Trust. It focuses on rebuilding a trust within. This was hitting me in recent weekends, and damn, that right there is what I’ve CRAVED. I’ll share my understanding.
Confidence: I can look good for a while (living off other people’s attention), but if I have no foundational self trust I’m wasting my time. Confidence can feel like just another shield to hide behind when the core issue is overlooked
Self love: Feels great initially, but if I’m fearing another failure or reminder of childhood failures, that effort leaves me with a gaping hole in my soul. It kills my motivation to keep trying.
Security: Same as the others. How can I feel safe and secure when the me who wants to come out and see life doesn’t trust his inner abilities? Or that I WON’T sabotage everything again (since sabotage is painful, but it’s familiar. Healing old wounds can lead me to grasp for what is familiar)
So, my point is that a healthy self trust is MANDATORY to heal emotionally. Missing that makes healing so much harder and time consuming.
Done for now.
Day 20
Something showed up. I hadn’t expected this.
What came up today started yesterday morning, as instead of listening to my Ascension custom for one minute, I listened for two.
Then, someone liked my 2025 Khan journal this morning, and I spent some time reading it and reliving old feelings of strength and decisiveness I had while using it. I do miss those feelings.
But…why’d this pop up? Two minutes brought this up? What’s in my Ascension custom?
Answer: a LOT of connection modules. I read my Khan journal, I remember the self-assurance I had, and I desired…relationships. This morning, I felt strong AND vulnerable at the same time, enough to clearly see what I desired.
I thought this was Phoenix originally. But the pull to relationships helped me see the connection modules were activating. I relished in it.
Also, and this is big, I’ve been…trying to stay stuck. (I only admit that since Khan reminded me of NOT doubting myself constantly, so I’m putting this out there). Something that’s very clear is I felt dominant and in control of myself–which are masculine beliefs I didn’t grow up with. In short, I’ve felt inadequate as a man. Even in this journal, I’ve pushed my truths aside since I thought “that’ll make me look bad. People will reject me, so NO” And reading my Khan journal, I was spitting stuff out clearly and regularly.
Years back, I thought Khan was too much. Too offensive. Overly ignorant of my “conservative” (meaning fearful) ways. Because I rarely, rarely approached or viewed women as partners I’d really want to chase down. All I’d do was imagine it briefly. And I’d run from sexually tense situations. That’s the truth.
I’m not planning on jumping to Khan…right away. (This is normal recon). I just dismissed its value post-Khan, as I jumped off too soon. Also, I HAVE been thinking of sexual healing since I still feel resistant to such a lifestyle change. I considered rebuilding my Phoenix custom, adding Aphrodite to it, and using my full name instead of just my first.
But truth be told, I miss the full package: Khan. I’m considering when I’ll use it.
Edit: Another major reason Khan draws me in is that it obliterates one’s victim mindset. That is an old hideout of mine. I remember Khan making those excuses useless and unwanted. That makes me feel so much stronger in my masculinity–seeing my only choice as taking action on something.
Day 20
I worked today. No problems (internally) with people all day. Well, not until after I’d listened to 2 minutes of my Phoenix custom. I purposely listened to 2 minutes since 2 minutes of my Ascension custom opened my eyes. So I tried 2 with Phoenix, exactly before going into a gas station to get coffee for my drive home.
My problem was evident to me instantly. I’ve seen this same cashier about half a dozen times before, and I mentioned his beard since he usually doesn’t let it grow bushy. He explained he wasn’t cutting it anytime soon.
And…I immediately made it about myself. I said I’d not done a beard in years…and the realization I instantly made it about myself bothered me. I felt like I hogged all the attention. I’m embarrassed since I did want to make it all about me. Like…that’s sick. Selfish.
It still bothers me.
It’s scary to admit this, but I sense this is a good realization. Like I felt like a high-schooler gloating… It bothers me since i took advantage of his limelight. I feel like I stole it.
I feel like I’ve been doing that with others lately: using them for my benefit. And that digs at my gut. Like I’m using and possibly abusing others…to make myself feel good about myself.
It bothers me bad.
Day 21
I hide from the truth constantly. I do.
I woke up feeling truth from all sides, I felt scared, so I went to the only place I could ask for help: God. I felt kind of helpless, but at the same time, I couldn’t hide from my emotions. My prayer was extremely brief and unsure. Like I wanted help but was afraid to ask.
As I was writing, I felt the connection. My brother broke my trust, and I felt that same distrust when I approached God.
I’m full of emotion. Unsure how to act. I’ve been hiding from relationships since that time fearing I’d be hurt again.
Correction: I’ve been hiding from myself. I’ve believed I’d hurt myself further. I’ve been trying to definitely not be myself to dodge and avoid the ‘truth’, though it may be wrong. I believed it was my fault. I blamed myself.
Living every day, looking back, trying to avoid… myself.
I sought attention. I’ve been seeking forgiveness for my past actions, for what I feel responsible for. I’ve run from this on a daily basis.
Phoenix took off the blinders and I wanted to spill something right where I was at. That’s why I suddenly made it all about myself.
I couldn’t see that at the time.
Day 24
I’m listening to both Phoenix and Ascension customs at 2 minutes. Ascension, stage 1, is showing itself.
I felt it in my resistance to wanting to step out of my norm of underperforming and hiding. Or just taking responsibility for myself. Like here at home. Finishing things I’ve started.
Stage 1 is still active.
Day 25
I had a really good day. I listened to Phoenix last night, and this morning I did 2 minutes of rich.
I felt really really good. I think I know why. I intentionally use rich due to the worthiness factor which has held me back in many many endeavors in life. But it showed up very clearly today.
I accepted good things when I thought about them. I accepted compliments. I felt worthy of money, of a hell of a lot of stuff. I didn’t have to “try”.
I even texted the guy who’s been making my routes. I said “Things are going beautifully today”.
This is a win.
Day 26
Weekends off
I’m still feeling a lack of shame from yesterday. Was it RICH or Phoenix? I don’t know.
But I had a little encounter yesterday with 2 women that I welcomed. They were sisters. I’d stopped at their house to service our company’s equipment, and upon me getting out, I noticed a pickup truck slowly coming down their long driveway, so I got in and moved my truck since I had blocked their exit.
And their truck stopped when at the end of the driveway. Now…when someone lingers like that, I assume it’s an older couple and they’re possibly being critical, so I didn’t acknowledge them. My mood was slightly off, so I didn’t want conflict. I just did my job, minding my own business.
But one of the 2 called out to me, wondering about something. I turned, and it was 2 young women (20’s), so I addressed them, answering her question fully, and making a joke too. One sister, the driver, had asked me the question, and she was obviously trying to take charge, which I allowed. But her sister sitting shotgun responded too, though fainter. I read the dynamics. (Big sister was “protecting” her sister)
But the quieter sister locked eyes with me, and I held them. Tender. Honest. Tons of unspoken truths showing. I even caught that dreamy gaze for a moment, and then they left. It stayed on my mind.
I have ESSENCE: Human Connection in my Ascension custom. A line in the description reads “it becomes the rare experience of being fully seen by someone who understands what you mean even when you struggle to articulate it.” I saw something in her eyes, and I felt it. Like I could say back “I get you”, and be completely ok with it. … I felt connected, if only for a few seconds.
Now, I may be completely misreading this. I could be. But understanding someone when words are scarce is why I put this module in my custom. Understanding someone when they can’t articulate it is a profound gift. I loved that experience yesterday.
Day 27
Listened to RICH this morning
2 minutes
Feeling worthy has been drawing me in. I said f it and ran RICH this morning. It’s definitely at work in me right now.
Í got pissed while driving to work. I drive my car an hour to their shop, then get in their pickup to drive another 45 minutes to reach the work site. I charge for my time.
Their pickup has really old headlight covers, and running the high beams only shows 100 feet in front of me. And this is all cow country. No overhead lights. Half of the back roads I take haven’t been striped in a decade, so it’s clearly dangerous with the truck’s poor headlights.
I mentioned this to my contact, the district manager. 2ce now. He acknowledged it. Nothing else. While driving this vehicle this morning, I offered myself the option of bowing out of this position. I detest working for people who pretend to care but don’t. I hate lip service.
I realized I could act without thinking, so I stopped since I wanted to see outside of this mess. Taking a break now until I have a better thought process on how to handle this.
Worthiness issues continuing.
When I arrived at the site I had down time. Completely dark outside. Pulled up the forum here, and pulled up @Michel’s journal.
Specifically, I’m wondering why the hell I have not utilized the AI system to help choose subliminals for me specifically.
I know why. I’m even in tears as I write. I’ve always thought I had no value. That stone cold belief has shut doors left and right. Subliminal choices are just one of them. Women. Jobs. Friends. Family. Houses I’ve lived in. Any and all relationships…have all been affected by my lack of worthiness.
And truthfully, I realize that I was scared to make choices since I’ve always chosen the poor option for myself… so I have not wanted to.
That’s exactly where I am. I’ve been afraid to make choices since the choices I’ve made always reflected the low self worth I have. So I fear another f*** up.
That’s the circles I’ve kept revolving around in life.
What subliminals could I choose to eliminate this cycle? Where do I start?
We can only make the choices we do out of the state of consciousness we have at this current time, and they have consequences. That’s not even taking into account the responsibility and consequences for such a choice and the importance of it, like big or small choices? Maybe the weight of a decision makes it easier to see where self worth improves.
Definitely. This is definitely the Worthiness Calibration from RICH working on me. Otherwise I would have never said a word
@qOS,
I have a few long-standing symptoms, and I’m presently on a Phoenix/LB custom along with an Ascension custom plus the new RICH. I’m concerned since I feel like I’m not changing. (I did 2 minutes of the Phoenix custom maybe 2 hours ago)
Symptoms:
Self blame
Tearing myself down when I hurt emotionally.
Lack of self-forgiveness
My naive belief is that a healing sub should provide clear signs when it’s time to move on to other goals. I’ve been on this custom almost 3 months now, and …maybe I’m fighting change (I just realized that).
A naive question: am I doing enough to heal? I’d rather be a crying mess than an inhibited control freak over myself. Tears come and go. And I’m holding them back presently.
What might help to let go of these self-controlling beliefs?
My 02 cents as not QoS but someone who’s been watching your journal. if you feel like you’re not changing would be to reduce your stack.
I know subclub says you CAN run 3 titles, but in my experience it goes one of two ways.
These subs work on frameworks of the mind that exists in all human beings. They can’t bypass your restrictions or difficult pain points. So for example if there’s an inherently triggering event just with another person on a random day and it dysregulates you for a day or two, that same response will occur when you touch on similar themes in the subs. But on a subconscious level where you may not even realize how much of a bottleneck it’s causing. Subs by their very nature act on the unconscious part of our minds, there’s A LOTTT more going on down there than you can consciously perceive at any given point.
Our minds have thresholds for processing and dealing with these things, some are higher than others. It’s really important to understand yours so you can make the right decisions and not overburden your nervous system. Once you flip that switch into sympathetic mode you fall back into old habits and beliefs born out of survival strategies. And that can result in stalled progress or even worse backsliding in progress.
Yes. The response:
Damn I love Saints responses. I truly do. Cuts to the chase. Points proof out using your own words, etc.
I’ll laugh the first time he does it to me because I have a habit of not seeing the forest through the trees if too much is going on, and I’ll think, “gawd, how did I not see that?”
I hope the qOS response will help get you back on the course you want to be on Brother. Keep on keeping on. 
Phoenix is my main title. I’ve been regularly inconsistent with Ascension since Phoenix has been digging deeper. If my mind and heart are still focused on Phoenix’s work when I wake up the next morning, I’ve skipped Ascension a few times with no regrets.
And I brought in Rich this past month since I’m active in crypto, and old sabotaging thoughts I wanted to counter.
And surprisingly, what’s really surfacing are core self worth beliefs, those very things agreeing to poor choices. But it hits deep, making it gel well in the healing arena.
Because you’re right. Too much is too much. But I desire relief, not overload. I normally only run two at a time
Thanks @Forexpreneur. I was stunned emotionally when I read it.
But from what I read, Phoenix is still at work. Because part of me wants to fight it.
Growth realization: in all prior healing subs I’ve used here, I wanted to run. Exit. Hide. Be invisible, just like I was in childhood. To find my “safe” place.
This time, I’m actually pissed. Scared. Wanting to bust into tears. And aggressively approach this person in my mind saying:;“You talking to me?” I want to buck this truth. Fight back.
I see it ending quickly because I’m just scared. Thinking I’ve never been loved, I burst into heavy sobs. Like someone cared about me, and my first reaction is to be defensive and fight back.
Yes. That’s all me. I’m f****** growing!