Subliminal Changes

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#1

Stabilizer
Phoenix and LB custom
Day 6
3 minute loops

I’m stacking my Phoenix custom with Genesis: Ascension St.1, and I’m just airing my thoughts. It’s not painful change. It’s real.

I think it’s the emotional intelligence heating up from Phoenix, as I’ve been more open to things I’ve progressively shut down in my life. Specifically, relationships of any kind. Here. At work. My birth family. Any dating. And male friends. I’ve been drawn toward the latter two, even pre-Phoenix, and it was welcome.

I’m not “Let’s welcome EVERYBODY!!” Nope, not at all. I’m just feeling my heart being more flexible, more understanding and accepting of other people’s faults. I’m thinking of the biggest people who steered my early life, and I’m (newly) wondering what made them make the decisions which affected me. Like a simple…“why?”, and considering possibilities. Some grieving has come with it.

Change related: I’m much more inclined to just let stuff happen vs. steering/pushing/demanding I receive old normal things I’ve steered myself into, pushed, or demanded–to keep me “safe”.

And I’ll leave this post now. For so long, I’ve written and stressed/stewed over people’s possible reactions, to where I’ve lived in a constant defensiveness, imagining and expecting rejection. I’m just so tired of being STUCK in old fear.

To summarize my long-term goal, I don’t want my life steered anymore by the same fears I’ve clung to. I’m honestly feeling some dissipate quickly. That’s what I want.

4 Likes
#2

From the Anti-Recon thread

#3

Day 9
Phoenix custom an hour ago
Stabilizer tomorrow morning

Phoenix is wearing down on old established inner norms. I’ve wanted/haven’t wanted to write…mostly because it’s been steadily digging into my old rejection wounds. I’ll say something that actually makes no sense: I love how it digs into the very reasons I’ve stayed stuck. I know that because just in the last day I’d suddenly find an old mental hideout, like a safe spot or belief. And I’d just want to camp there. Just hide out and be “invisible”. Like I’d be in that mindset, ignoring anything and everyone else to feel safe.

But what I’m finding is that the old hideouts don’t have as much power and control over me. Phoenix is changing those perceptions.

Adding to that idea, yesterday I felt something powerful from the subs, and after reading reviews on the Anti Recon thread, I’m desiring more. I read of someone easily integrating the script with the AR included, mostly bypassing the normal heavy recon one user normally experiences. And what I felt was power over myself and having a sane mindset while facing trouble. Like being really calm in the storm within. It may have been spillover from the AR in Stabilizer, but it drew me in. Feeling successful over battles I’d usually feel like a loser in. That’s golden.

And my thinking…or normal perceptions…are off as it’s digging in today. I’d swear I ordered my rebuild 2 days back. It seems like that. But just checking my email…it was yesterday. It’s a good thing that the Stabilizer is bleeding off some of its AR. That’s a very very good thing. Seeing as I only listened to Phoenix an hour ago, I can feel it.

1 Like
#4

Day 10
Stabilizer this morning

I woke up thinking it was Phoenix, it is, but I’m seeing the Stabilizer activating.

I woke up feeling and desiring order. It felt like Phoenix because on many other times using healing titles, I’ll have days of avoiding cleaning followed by a sudden sense of “let’s finish (something, anything)”. It felt like internal order. It motivates the shit out of me.

Looking back, I was in this mode last night. I pulled all my dishes I’d been avoided cleaning out of my fridge, pulled every unwashed cup, dish, or utensil out of my room, and cleaned them all last night (I rent a single room in a home).

Also, I’m really motivated to hold on to this mindset, because it just feels GOOD. I’ll take a walk this morning. And…I’m avoiding turning back to confusing and chaotic thinking. I reflected on old norms seconds ago, and I had a belief that I was powerless, that losing was who I was. I’d even give in at times…believing it was empowering to just allow it. Confusing thinking? Absolutely. Changing this is a beautiful thing. I’m going to share my custom build in the next post, as I’ve been seeing modules popping up. I love seeing that.

2 Likes
#5

My Phoenix/LB custom. I’m still waiting for delivery of the rebuild to acquire the Anti Recon and Adaptive modules.

Achilles’ Heel
Dragon Reborn: Phoenix Core
Furious Ascent
Iron Frame
Joie de Vivre
Lineage
Living Truth
Love Bomb Core
Plateau Transcendent
Synergy: Beyond Connection
Synergy: Semper Praesens
Synergy: Venus Unveiled
Synergy: Winner Overdrive
The Feedback Loop
The Worthiness Recalibration

Specifically, I saw Furious Ascent days ago. I believe that’s why I actually started this journal. FA came from the original Genesis, and while on Genesis, I’d try almost anything. FA is the risk-taking module, the “why the hell not?!” module. Because hiding, for me, is easy. Taking chances isn’t. I’ve put it almost every custom since Genesis.

I’ve also been welcoming Synergy: Beyond Connection. It consists of Transcendental Connection and Soul Connection. Years back, a trader I worked online with was using HOM (C&C now), and he regularly shared how he was really valuing and nurturing his close relationships. HOM introduced Transcendental Connection, the relationship builder, and I saw firsthand it blooming in his life.

For me, I’ve seen and wanted that. Phoenix is clearing some emotional beliefs as I sit here, but I’ve really been open to it. I’ve also included this in almost every custom since it’s release.

The Feedback Loop? This was Fire’s contribution. Looking over its description, it sounded EXACTLY like what he’d put in the original Regeneration. It was a module where you’d feel some progress had been achieved, so you’d SEEK internal and external confirmation of it. For me, after only a few days on the original Regeneration, I woke up…and began cleaning stuff that had sat for months. I shared it in the forum here, and Saint responded that Fire had scripted that. That’s what I felt last night and this morning. It’s a feeling of “I WANT MORE OF THAT!!!”

1 Like
#6

Day 11

This is tough to write. A big awareness today.

I worked today, a shift I’m picking up at a site 30 miles away. Simple day.

But driving home, I remembered I’d pulled away from my normal socializing today. Last week I enjoyed my day because I was approaching customers, being friendly, and the mood fed both myself and others. I’d normally call a day like that a “really good day”.

But I wasn’t interested in continually seeking people’s acceptance today. I actually was quite conscious of it. And this suddenly hit me:

I have been putting on masks my whole life.
I’ve not wanted to live without one. I’ve not know “how?!!”
That burn in the chest…is me fighting to be heard. I’ve literally swallowed this for DECADES.
I became a very good “actor”. I became whatever you wanted me to be. And it’s worked THOUSANDS of times. It’s felt good. Which is why I’ve repeated it.

Something that helped this click (completely unplanned) was today I watched a Jim Carrey video of exactly where he came from. His mother was constantly sick, they were very poor, and his dad was working all the time. Jim began making humor at home to ease his mom’s suffering. That made sense.

But his honest, confusing, present-day statement that “there is NO ME, NO JIM CARREY!” finally clicked. He’d left who he was behind every single time he did a skit, a joke, or a performance of any kind. I finally got it! I’ve done that too. I’ve played roles (put on masks) thousands of times.

The daily struggle I’ve faced day after day is 1) I can perform in front of people so I’ll feel loveable, or 2) I’ll abandon that charade…not knowing who the f I really am. Or who to be. So I’ve always chosen the first option. That struggle has kept me locked in performance mode every single day.

No wonder I dread socializing. I’m a chameleon.
I don’t date–fearing you’ll see behind the mask.
Same with keeping guy friends. Same fear.
It’s fricken EXHAUSTING keeping this mask up.
I almost wrote “What choice do I have?” I’ve only stepped beyond this for brief periods a handful of times all of my life.

To confirm this further, I was driving and listening to some spiritual pop songs I get into. And…makes me tear up here. Music, to me, became stressful when I used to play. Because …I really really wanted to play my heart’s songs…but abandoning that to play YOUR songs…for YOUR feelings…eventually turned me off. I was hurting and I feel it more when I try to play now. Truth.

I began singing a song while driving, and as soon as MY feelings came up, so did tears. This happens whenever I start letting my heart out of my chest. I know the “spiritual mask” will be liked…but …it doesn’t work. It never really did for me. I can’t play that game with myself, which is why I presently don’t go to church. Falling into old “roles”–I don’t want to go lie to people…not at church.

I’m gonna stop now.

3 Likes
#7

Day 13
Rebuilt Phoenix/LB custom arrived–I listened hours ago
Stabilizer tomorrow

Acceptance. I’ve not thought myself good at it because I’m realizing while on Phoenix that my own thoughts and beliefs I’ve dismissed constantly. I’m doing nothing today, taking a day off. I’ve roamed here and there in my head and online, seeking something that feels right within myself.

And just minutes ago, I opened up the Love Bomb sales page…wondering what piece I’ve been overlooking. I read only part of it, knowing I’ve normally just fantasized about…being relaxed while feeling loved. That’s “normal” to me. Sad, but true.

Most of today I’ve felt a small knot in my gut, like holding feelings in. I’ve been afraid to be loved. Why? Because…using childhood thinking, if I let someone in, I’ll be hurt. --while sitting here, I realize I keep looking into childhood feelings or memories, and I keep reliving some old hurt. Which is my sign that doing the same old things keeps getting me the same results.

But I’m walking through it, which is the tough part. I feel that resilience which is scripted. I felt it on Emperor, like “I’ll get through this”.

–Something I’ll share, which surprisingly touches me. I watched a YT video an hour ago, and following my brother’s lead (he’s sent me some in recent days) I sent it to him. I instantly got angry/scared/self-protective when he responded, for…well, I’ve been blocking him from my feelings…like for forever. I’m just sitting here, reliving old feelings MIXED with Phoenix and LB’s influence. I’m missing feeling relaxed. Missing allowing myself to be loved. Missing that relationship.

Yeah, I’m definitely affected by these subliminals. Because I want peace, Need peace. Need love. It’s been a while. A long while.

1 Like
#8

I was in bed, turning on my sleep sounds, and my 21yo daughter called. In tears.

Living with her aunt, in another state, working 2 jobs. Her aunt (30’s) is living like an entitled teen (not keeping her word on paying for meals and such). And my daughter’s pissed and in tears since her mom, my ex, is just rude to her right now. Treating her like a failure. Which is bullsh**. Mom’s giving her the paddle from 1500 miles away. Oooh, what courage.

My daughter is living in a poor social environment (newly divorced aunt with 2 young kids is out chasing men most days) and my daughter’s overwhelmed with no AC in the house (rural midwest USA), no running water, her room smells like cat piss, and my daughter’s new boyfriend is about 30 miles away. She called since she spent more money then she expected covering her aunt’s share of food, but wanted to drive to his house for a sense of security, fresh water, AC, and a room not smelling like cat piss. She was in tears, ashamed for asking for $20 to drive there. it was the least I could do. I sent it.

As she vented, i reflected on how I’ve felt when I feel like I’m losing. I thought of LBFH. So, I asked after giving some background, then sent her a copy of LBFH, telling her it might have an effect on her. Because it definitely has an effect on others. That one surprises me when I feel like crap.

Apart from all of that, I see myself tending to ignore myself when others are in need. Which is why I understood her tears. That constant attempt to please everybody is a losing game. I just wanted to encourage her.

1 Like
#9

Something else which I’m proud to witness from my daughter:

Her sense of rebellion. As she shared a cold remark from her mother, I felt it even before she spoke it: “F*** YOU!!” Being heartlessly rejected when requesting understanding provokes instant backlash. But she didn’t say that to her mother. She just owned it with me.

Makes me feel proud of her. She’s got a good head on her shoulders.

2 Likes
#10

Day 16

I listened last night, and Phoenix is taking me a direction I’ve never been on a sub. The sales page says it’ll use your fear as fuel, not caring about your desire to go slow (something like that).

I woke up feeling a fear I’ve never faced, the very one I live by. It’s my tendency to seek a safe place in my mind. I do this every single day. Phoenix is sitting on it.

But I’m different. Those fears are normally run by a young part of me. That young part of me shuts me down emotionally when I’m scared.

I feel fear, but something else is controlling it. I’ve never felt this.

My normal survival strategy is losing power. Wow

Edit. The fear I’ve never faced is “How do I survive if I don’t have this mental hideout?”

1 Like
#11

Day 17

I asked about allowing another rest day while my sub was blooming, and before I began writing here, I felt emotions telling me … that maybe another rest day is needed. I’m not saying this because I’m speculating. I actually had unplanned experiences yesterday and this morning.

My original question focused on my Phoenix custom. I’ve had it blooming numerous times just hours before my regular listening time. So I asked.

The unplanned experience is with the Stabilizer. Yesterday morning was when I was supposed to listen. But since Phoenix was moving so much in my head, I purposely passed. I thought “maybe later”. But I never listened.

And in the last 12 hours, unexpected changes in my thinking have come through.

  • I’m having thoughts of actually cleaning out my room. I found myself being frustrated since my room reeks of unfinished business. Leaving stuff “undone”. Perpetually ignoring the chaos. Visual reminders everywhere.

I’m serious. I moved here over 2 years ago, and stuff has not changed since that time. My room looks like a partial storage room with no plans or hopes for change. I’ve been burying that tension daily…but it’s getting to me. So much that I’m going to pull off this post and begin NOW.

So maybe another rest day with Phoenix might bring on vivid inner change too. I’m off now.

1 Like
#12

Day 20

I began writing here 2 days ago. I had felt a clear difference in my thinking. But as I continued writing, an old familiar fear rose, and reliving that fear was too much. So I scrapped the post, adamant that I’d not do that to myself again.

I’m not completely in touch with the root of it, but Phoenix is moving on it, and it’s definitely at work.

I’ve come here 1000’s of times feeling this fear of being rejected and abandoned, trying to repress it or work around it. I’ve smothered it, denied it, danced around it. I’ve just never eliminated it. Didn’t think I could. It’s one of those realities that’s become “my life”.

I’m almost in shock because Phoenix is changing it, that daily 500lb weight that makes every decision for me, every choice. Every one. It’s made me lie a lot, terrified you’d leave if you knew the truth. My lies were hideouts.

And those lies hurt me more and more. That’s why I scrapped my post 2 days ago. I couldn’t do that. It was too painful.

I’m allowing Phoenix to change this. Because I can’t live like this anymore.

#13

Day 21

I’m writing because I woke knowing Phoenix is working on my beliefs. All I’ve ever lived with are beliefs that people are ready to reject me. So I distanced myself from everybody.

I woke feeling detached from this belief. That’s incredible

#14

Day 23

Listening day. I’m grateful to be on Phoenix. I’ve not been writing lately because I’ll consider it, the old approval triggers surface, and quite peacefully, I pass on it. Phoenix is working on this old trauma and whittling it down, but more accurately, it’s moving fast. I just am not aware of these changes.

Well, not until I came to write today. All of the feelings and tentacles aren’t completely gone, BUT the power it had in my mind has definitely lessened.

That’s why I shared this.

#15

I always thought it was my fault. I’ve felt guilty, and led by guilt, most of my life.

This is the root at what Phoenix is focusing on. My old life “backdrop” of who I thought I am, and who I will be in future years. Looking back, my drive…ambition…life goals…relationships…everything that mattered…have all been ignored most of my life due to this. I’ve been trying to be better, be good enough, make up for, buy some time, do anything for relief inside…because I’ve felt guilty…inadequate. Shamefully inadequate. I can still sense this belief this week while at work while trying to feel adequate in different coworkers’ eyes.

Over the years, I couldn’t find a solution that stuck. This belief has owned me all of my life. “Painfully passive” has a lot of truth to it, as I’ve wanted change. I really, really have. My first counselor was when I was 17. But almost 40 years of not finding it made me accept it…unwillingly…and passively.

I’ve been in thousands of 12 step meetings, so “it was my fault” is not shocking to me. Children of alcoholics own everything around them, to where being around people even in safer places can be stressful, if not seemingly impossible. I relied on those meetings and that community for years. I stopped abruptly about 10 years back when I was using a subliminal (another company) and realized I was lying to myself and everyone else by hiding behind masks. I showed up at a meeting place in my city, but couldn’t “not see” the faces I continuously put on. So I completely pulled out. Out of meetings. Out of church. Away from all normal supports. Away from places where the masked me came out.

Something is growing in me slowly, quietly. It may be from the Synergy: Beyond Connection module, as relationships have been very much steadily desired the last two weeks. I’ve thought of potential girlfriends. Male friends. Even my family (I’ve had 3 long phone calls with my daughter this week). Even my brother.

Which brings me back to why I’ve not reached out so far: the guilt.

Me writing here is (almost) the only place I’ve vented some of this. I have gotten to know a coworker I’ve been with the last couple of weeks, and I tried sharing something yesterday while on the job. And…he got it. Like he said he does the same thing (hiding behind masks and berating himself constantly). And he was being honest. (Tears and fears rise when imagining trusting someone again).

Phoenix is still kicking away. It’s powerful…because I’ve never been here before.

2 Likes
#16

I got up to get some water and saw something guilt-connected.

I’ve been focusing for years to build wealth. Right now I’m sitting on billions of smaller crypto coins awaiting a pump.

Motive? Guilt. I want to be good enough. Adequate. Lovable even.

I do have The Worthiness Calibration in this custom. And I do have long-term plans when I begin cashing out.

I’m just wanting to feel “good enough” for others. That’s why I’ve been so focused on it.

1 Like
#17

A short note, which is affecting me.

For years I’ve owned devices which transmit scalar solfeggio frequencies, because I clearly feel their effects. I’ve had one in my bed set on love frequencies for years, but just two days ago I decided to put it on sleep frequencies, which uses theta and delta waves.

I’m just feeling the subliminal working easier since I changed it. Like I’m wide awake now, and I sense thoughts clicking together without me having to do anything. I’ve been associating growth with struggle, and this is easy. It’s a nice shift.

#18

Day 26
Phoenix custom last night
Stabilizer this morning
3 minute loops

I’ve been feeling a slight twinge of recon…but what’s moving in my emotions makes me see it’s just me facing something again that I’ve buried relentlessly. Recon isn’t that rough considering in years past I would have already eyeing some subliminal escape here, meaning jumping off. I’ve not thought of that at all lately.

I feel like I’m facing “normal” fears, but they’re from my teens, like needs for independence. Like a romantic relationship that I wanted vs. passively complying with other’s wishes for me. I only dated 2 girls in high school, and I repressed that desire due to my survival logic around my mom. (The shame I felt didn’t invite people in too).

Yeah, tears came up while writing.

I’m facing feelings which I ran away from routinely. Feelings which have absolutely scared the s*** out of me then. I was attached to childish beliefs that…one day Mom would love me—and make me feel adequate. That was the hole in me. But I also knew/felt that Mom would hang on to her painful norms. I just wasn’t too objective back then.

I’ve been feeling this, and the one thing I realized helped me in the past was writing.

I had to stop after that sentence because something in me asked angrily “what the hell is happening to me?!!”

It’s change. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s not dangerous.

I want this. Inside…I NEED this.

1 Like
#19

Something is changing. I’ve shared how I’ve been drawn to relationships, and I just experienced something (not with a person, but an animal).

My houseowner has a little male Jack Russell, and I’ve taken to him. I take him out regularly, give him leftovers and dirty dishes to clean up, and never push him away when I get home. He’s an easy dog to have around.

But I’ve experienced some beliefs and feelings like I were interacting with a human. Even before starting Phoenix, I found myself … resenting his high-level excitement. I framed it as him …seeking me out only to take. That’s me in emotional desperation, me feeling unimportant at a gut level, projecting it onto him like it’s his fault.

But this has another element, which I’ve avoided sharing (because it’s true). My daughter learned of me having this dog, and strongly encouraged me to have my own, if even in small steps. Huh.

I took her seriously because people not in committed relationships still need practice in caring for something or someone besides themselves. Some people try it with plants. Or fish. I’ve got a dog though. Easy.

And 20 minutes ago, I listened to that nudge. I’d let the dog out, I’d given him a treat…and before I began my retreat into my room, I said “ok” to that internal pestering. I turned around, and sat down on the couch. The dog instantly got excited because he knows that’s where I allow him to lick my face. He did, but I had to push him off since his nails are sharp (he wants to climb on my chest). I even intentionally stayed with him when I usually retreat.

So yeah. This sub is working on me

P.S. i even gave attention to some stray cats which live at my Sunday job site. 2 weeks back, one came near me, and he allowed me to gingerly rub his head. This guy wouldn’t leave me then, rubbing against my legs constantly while I was on foot. I saw the cats yesterday while I was at the site, I fed them, and I sent a picture to my daughter. Her response was a bold “CUTE”

1 Like
#20

I’ve only got a little time so I’m going to share what’s happening.

2 days back, in the early morning, I prayed that God would intervene and help me let go of stuff that’s holding me back. I’ve been feeling it in my throat consistently, and it tells me that I’m just holding on holding on holding on.

I asked for it.

Yesterday at the end of our work day, I was very specific with my coworker, as it was very hot, and we only had half hour of work left. I did not want to be out in the sun much longer since it was getting too damn hot. We were working on new pavement in a closed community.

And for some dumbass reason, this guy took his time. Dragged his ass. It pissed me off.

When we finally finished, I got back in the truck and vented at him for maybe 15 seconds. I told him he pissed me off. I told him he won’t even own this s***, (never does). And I ended it finally with an FU.

I’ve never vented to somebody like that on the job. And seconds after I finished, I felt what I’ve been holding on to during this Phoenix experience. I realized I put him in that savior position, the same one I’ve held my brother in from childhood. But what I felt was a great sadness, actually feeling me losing that old connection. It was more terror than sadness, but I did not speak after I vented. I couldn’t look at him. I was still pissed.

I’m set up to work with him today again. I’m not sure what to expect. But I asked for it.

3 Likes