Subliminal Changes

[subliminalguy]

Day 28
Phoenix custom last night
Stabilizer this morning

I didn’t see it coming.

I was assigned with the same guy, I still felt a little offended (I was still unsettled from yesterday), and I was completely quiet for about a half hour when we first got in the truck.

Then it happened.

I believe Love Bomb woke up loud and clearly, because I wanted nothing to do with this spiteful, pain-filled anger I had hung on to. It’s like a deeply hidden belief in people’s goodness grew in me quickly, and I opened my heart enough to begin discussing our day to come. It wasn’t HARD. It was quite easy. It was beautiful, in fact.

What I also noticed was my attachments to other’s harms against me were melting away. I thought of my sister and brothers, and the habitual norm of keeping an anger shield up to keep them away. And it was being destroyed with love and joy. I wanted nothing to do with the hurtful mindset. Conversely, the positive mindset I easily held to and used more and more throughout the day.

My day with the coworker was EASY. We laughed a lot. He bought me a sports drink during a break unexpectedly. It caught my attention since I heard the cashier mentioning him looking out for me (I wasn’t even in line yet). He responded to her that he had absolutely no problem doing that since he said I was the one watching out for him. (!!)

Maybe this was LB which I paired with Phoenix in my custom. I’ve not seen much activation my whole cycle so far, and this was totally unforeseen.

I didn’t see this coming AT ALL.

[subliminalguy]

Day 30
Phoenix custom last night
Stabilizer this morning

I feel Phoenix working again on my fantasy hideouts.

But it’s desired. Wanted. It’s been pulling up old mentalities I’d not seen or felt in years. I’m finding more peace with myself

[subliminalguy]

Something that’s happening to me is I’m not pushing away my feelings so easily. Normally, I do. I can normally box them up quick, and turn to another focus. It’s a mental game I’ve been practicing all of my life…but Phoenix is keeping my feelings turned ON. The OFF switch…is harder to find presently.

For me, this is the strangest f**king experience to have…but I also feel so very human while it happens. I could normally scoot into and out of emotionally stressful situations. Life seemed easier because I always knew I could “escape” and find a safer place eventually.

I accept that change too. I’ve often felt very emotionally immature, like I’d be laughing in a seemingly serious situation, like at work. I’ve wondered “how do they see this situation?” since my response has been the outlier. And so far, I’ve felt clueless.

And adding to the admission that I’m sticking with feelings more, conversations have just been EASIER since starting Phoenix. In almost every little convo, a mix of fun and frustration always seems to emerge. We’ll start with a laugh, but since I’m actually listening, the truth of what they’re holding back comes out as I’m still giving them attention.

I almost posted this experience last Sunday when it happened, but I pulled off.

On Sundays, I’m doing a 12 hour day doing nothing more than socializing and assisting people dumping their garbage at a small dump site. The regular worker is out on medical leave.

Last Sunday, I began a conversation with a man in his 80’s, and he must have talked to me over 30 minutes. Most stops are 2-10 minutes max. What caught my attention was that roughly 3 different times, he was ready to break down in tears, him recalling some life experiences. I’m standing there realizing I only just met this guy, and he’s ready to trust me with something sitting heavy on his heart. Now that’s a true reality check for me. Like…what does he see in me? What’s happening in me/to me? (I didn’t feel worthy of such trust).

I had experiences like this when I ran Phoenix over 2 years ago, and personally, it was easy to listen and reflect people’s mood and mindset. It’s that heightened empathy from Phoenix.

I’ll even admit I’ve wanted to NOT be that person who cares about everybody. …because I can then be selfish. Be in my own world. Control my environment.

But this is definitely having an effect on me. I’m considering people more. This also may be LB quietly activating on me.

[subliminalguy]

Day 31
Phoenix tonight

I’ve been having this feeling rising, and I’m so used to pushing it down. But it’s rising, and what do you know, it seems to have more fear attached to it than anything I can actually remember.

That slippery feeling is love.

Love for others. Love for myself (lots of fear there). There’s a feeling of actual grief since squashing it has been my norm. I’ve had this under lock and key most of my life, so allowing it out seems…dangerous.

I remember crying in church a number of times years back, plus another time when I was camping with friends. These were all times when I had my heart open – but I had unspoken expectations for others to care for this childhood wound I was flushing out. Fear was always present because all I really needed was love andacceptance, but it always felt like too big of an ask, so I rarely rarely did.

Like holding onto an old untouched wound was easier than recovering from more pain and rejection. That was my survival instinct in action. I didn’t want more pain, so keeping quiet was my choice. Even though my eyes gave me away, fear kept my mouth shut.

What I’m aware of now I’m ashamed to admit. I expected everyone ELSE to love me. No shit. I did. I had no clue that I could (adequately) love myself. I never saw this growing up; Mom didn’t do that. I put anyone and everyone else in a savior role—THEY would save me. Mom did that with others for money, food, and other needs, so self sufficiency was a real myth in my life.

I guess I’m wrestling with that now. Being a love grifter was my norm…because doing differently was breaking the family rule!

I’m more scared of this than anything else. This was, I thought, how I’d survive in life. And it’s being challenged slowly but steadily.

I’m loaded with stress expletives but I won’t do that. It just scares me.

[subliminalguy]

I did a minute and a half of LBFH since I’m going out to get a haircut.

[subliminalguy]

@Michel,

I’m writing you here because I didn’t want to disrupt the mood in your journal.

You’re on CFW, the only SC sub I’m aware of which has anti-victim mindset scripting (maybe Khan too). I did CFW years back, and I remember its effects on my day to day thinking. I’m just becoming more aware how much I fall back on the victim mentality, and I’m not happy with it. So, I’m torn since my Phoenix/LB custom is doing beautifully.

However, I’m going to follow this trail of crumbs. This morning, LB began activating in me, and I wrote the post above. Being real, I only feel helpless when the love issue is hit. Like my trained survival strategy was to feel helpless…me looking for a savior. The problem is that too many times I put that unspoken expectation to coddle me/save me onto others. And I feel like such a thief, using people’s kindness. Not f***ing fair to anyone.

I miss that scripting. I’m going to go look for specific modules in the Q shop. Adding it in this custom would help greatly, I believe.

Edit:

No victim mindset modules exist (not by keyword searching), but I searched in the forum for “victim”. I’d asked about subs for this years back, being pointed to Emperor. A good choice.

But what I’m hanging on to is @Jouissance’s take on the Stabilizer. It hits all the weak points: relationships, completing tasks, money, self-perceptions…everything that I’ve blamed (used) when the victim mindset was an option. Stabilizer doesn’t hit my choice of outcomes, it hits the root. Like asking “is that crazy fear even true?”

@Jouissance, thanks for sharing your own experience with Stabilizer. I didn’t consider it for this. Thank you. I’ll run it tomorrow morning. I’m gonna look back at your journal again now.

[subliminalguy]

I was wrong.

I remembered Fire creating specific modules in years past, so I went and looked in the Q store, this time under the Emotional Healing section. He did create one to challenge the victim mentality.

Courage Reclaimed

“Reclaim your power and courage whenever you fall into a victim mentality through Courage Reclaimed. Utilize this module to break through the negativity that surrounds your state of victimhood and ascertain that you are truly in control of your destiny. Infuse yourself with courage and let go of the desire to act or be a victim and grab hold of your inner power with this profound module.”

To be honest, I’m unsure if I want to add it in specifically since Phoenix’s job is to change or overwrite our pain making mentalities.

And specifically, the victim mentality is a reaction that I’ve chosen thousands of times since I felt powerless and afraid. I listened last night, and when I began writing here, I felt a bit of that fear lessening.

So, I’m wondering if Phoenix is actually working on this, as shown by the fear when awareness came up yesterday. From my many experiences, when a sub is working on a specific weakness, I’ve often concluded that I need to add or change something. But others have pointed out how that’s when the sub is actually at work on that issue. Changing subs or sets of subs only puts the focus elsewhere.

Phoenix may actually be working on this already. It’s already hit stuff I’ve avoided all my life. So jumping isn’t a desire of mine.

[Michel]

Tough one to consider, because the “victim mentality” is more trained codependence from a very early age. To step out of that is facing an unknown that isn’t quite safe to do just yet. Phoenix/LB is an excellent combo for discovering self reliance and getting used to it.

I’m not sure about CFW - for me is simply deleting what stands in the way of being that bright and shiny individual. Feels more like leadership training.

[subliminalguy]

I’m facing some “good” internal battles in the last couple of hours. Literal recon, not from overlistening.

• I had a clear view of how I’m constantly defaulting to a “not me” personality. I realized I’m turning to it since it’s been safe…but I’ve felt different (not controlled by it)

• 10 minutes ago I told my dog to leave my room. I’ve been feeling anger (fear) since the dog is a creature I “should” love. But who asked me? Has anyone ever asked me?? NO!!
  This feeling that I’m allowed to own MY life is emerging. Like Ascension on steroids.

• This is connected to above: I’ve never asked myself. Fear and anger coming from that spot. That’s why I told the dog to go away. An old wound is opening.

Insight: I’ve been giving myself away to people hoping they’ll give me what I need. But noone’s ever done that, and I (embarrassingly) put that expectation on an animal. Damn…

Truths keep coming to me as I sit and think. I’m gonna pull off now.

[subliminalguy]

Every illusion I hide behind is being shown to me. I keep trying to hide, minute by minute, and I keep failing. This is intense.

[subliminalguy]

Day 33
Phoenix–listened already
Stabilizer tomorrow morning

I’m being shaken. Stabilizer and Phoenix are really working to dismantle things I’ve hid behind a long time.

I’m used to performing, living out a role or image. I’m uncomfortable trying to put those “should” suits on. I’m not sure who I’m “supposed” to be, because I’ve lived in that mandated mindset for many years.

I’m even trying now.

I’m growing because I’m in this. I don’t feel good, but it is good.

[subliminalguy]

Day 34

I think it’s the anti-sabotage feature in Stabilizer that’s been hitting hard.

On a daily basis, I’ve relied on those sabotaging choices to avoid perceived dangers, one being growing up. Growing up (mentally) is something I’ve never known how to do. More accurately, I’d have to let go of some things I’ve really grown accustomed to.

But even thinking on those words, I just justified it’s continuation. So my everyday beliefs are being challenged.

What’s also showing from Stabilizer is the Foundation scripting. It pushes me to NOT settle when I know I can do better. I’ve settled every single day in big and small ways, and I’m seeing it. Stabilizer isn’t playing nice. It’s playing for keeps.

[subliminalguy]

Day 35

Stabilizer is activating this morning.

I was getting in my shower and remembered an interaction I had two weeks back with a woman cashier, and I immediately felt a connection to how I used to treat my wife. I should have taken responsibility. I knew it was wrong. But part of me did not want to do that and I listened to it.

It was a scared, bullying part of me that I responded to. I would have looked bad if I took responsibility. And part of me has tried so damn hard to make myself look good.

But I’m realizing that people don’t respond well to being treated like that. I had no right to do that.

What’s beneath all this is just me wanting to be a child. When I treated the woman in the store like that, there was a part of me that felt an inner joy because I avoided responsibility completely, again.

And the stabilizer is challenging that directly.

I’ve never touched this before. I’d notice it but spend a lot of energy avoiding it completely. Wow. If I may say so this is f****** exciting. I’m feeling like a young teenager being corrected right now. I’m excited because I never had parental correction at that level, so I’m taking it. Every teenager wants somebody stronger than they are because they’re freaking clueless on how to “rule the world”.

[subliminalguy]

Day 36
Phoenix last night
Stabilizer this morning

My alarm went off, and I didn’t feel that immediate resistance I’ve been feeling for weeks.

What stood out to me is my mind didn’t feel desperate and seek to hide.

This is beautiful.

As I sit and think, old feelings come up and I feel unworthy of safety and ease. Phoenix and LB must be working on it

[subliminalguy]

Day 37

“I don’t want to write and be honest.”

That’s where I’ve been the last 12 hours. I just realized why.

I feel what comes up but I don’t stress greatly when it’s just me. But when I consider writing, I look for the mask. I look for the best package, the best appearance. That’s how I’ve lived as an adult for 30+ years.

I’ve survived, meaning ONLY survived, doing that. Very very little wiggle room. So…why?

I had control. It was something no one else could take away.

And I realized this just now: It’s meant I never had to trust anyone else. I made that decision decades ago. Boom.

I’ve not trusted nearly anyone, like truly and deeply, since childhood.

I was working with a guy yesterday… and something’s shifting in my thinking–unplanned completely by me. Like that desire to trust is growing in me.

And FYI, I normally edit my words constantly. And I’m writing here, actually trusting MYSELF. This shit can’t be planned, can’t be controlled.

Something HAS happened in me. It IS happening.

(I laughed because my two choices were 1. Give a controlled response to end this post, or 2. Act like I’m all relaxed… to spit out controlled words to manipulate readers… which is continual control…aahhhh).

I’m gonna stop. I’ve said enough… without trying to control everything

[subliminalguy]

Day 38

Phoenix is working on my beliefs, on who I think I am.

I had a dream that I was running running a sound booth in a church-like setting, and something came up where I legitimately had to stop the presentation. I felt like the crowd was understanding and willing.

I was searching for my solution… and my mind went into hiding mode (this was a dream). I forgot about the people waiting for a solid minute.

Then my (now ex) mother in law jumped up quickly. I got angry, but frightened. She’s disrespectful to men, and she was going to take charge, pushing me out of the way to “fix” the problem, even if she was clueless. My fear of her would have allowed it.

I immediately went to feeling like a powerless child. I saw myself as helpless, the role I always took around angry women who needed someone to blame.

The dream stopped there. But that belief has been with me all of my life.

I’ve shared how I’ve not wanted to grow up. The core belief lying underneath is “this is my fault”. Whenever my mom was mad I believed that. And mad and angry were constants.

I believe the young boy in me is still seeking forgiveness from my mom. When I’m around a woman, as has happened numerous times, I’ve panicked since I’ve still felt like I was bad.

And that’s where I’ve been stuck. Living in fear of people (women primarily) discovering what I’d done…or rather who I believe I am.

Phoenix is definitely working on this.

[subliminalguy]

I’ve read sub’s aims, and some have not made sense to me. Specifically, Phoenix says it will burn away limitations, and I’ve only desired it. I couldn’t really imagine it. But just now, I sensed it happening.

I’d just gone shopping, initiating small conversations with guys while waiting in line. No internal barriers felt. It was relaxing. Then, I got home. The dog needed to go out, so I put my stuff away and walked outside with him.

And…my mind began seeking normal safety routines as soon as I stepped outside. I’ve done this many, many times. Mentally escaping by hiding in my room. Browsing portfolio holdings online. Watching a random movie. Ice cream.

Well, I got the ice cream (I went shopping for it), but I sensed my mind saying “you don’t need to be afraid”.

In contrast, normally I hang onto such thinking for dear life. Like it’s life or death.

But that adamant need wasn’t there. I sensed weights dropping off of me. I was like “Holy F***! I don’t need these chains??!!”

I can’t explain it. All I know is that I suddenly was very aware that I didn’t need such small and limiting thinking right then, and it felt GOOD.

But yeah, I finished my ice cream.

[subliminalguy]

Day 40

I’m feeling recon after listening to Stabilizer 30 minutes ago. I’m feeling a deep push to live in the real world, but my subconscious is crying to hang on to old illusions.

[subliminalguy]

Day 42

In a nutshell, this is scary to me.

Stabilizer is challenging my survivalist self sabotaging beliefs head on. What makes it uniquely powerful is that I can feel it working on my core beliefs. It’s not working to cover it over, thus creating more survival strategies. It’s challenging everything I’ve been standing on. And that makes it both terrifying and incredibly desirable. It’s changing lifelong beliefs, the very ones that have caused fear and pain continuously.

This is also allowing Love Bomb to begin to show. I woke up this morning aware of that spiteful and destructive self hate trying to steer me. This goes hand in hand with Stabilizer since my inner logic says “if I’m safe, I can love myself”. And Stabilizer is ripping up these old “safety” foundations, so self hate has come forward.

Love Bomb is meeting this head on as well.

Real self love, like the deep life changing kind, is rare to me. LB is making me aware of that lack. I feel clueless. Nah, I just feel young remembering feeling unloved when I was a boy.

To summarize, this is both terrifying and wanted.

[subliminalguy]

A (different) thought.

I’ve been trapped in thinking I need to earn people’s love or friendship. It’s very clear to me here in this forum, as the last couple of years I’ve done this continuously.

The weird thought I had was a wondering: Do I have to have to relearn relationships again?

I’ve known but ignored how I’ve stayed mostly in my own journal. But I came tonight, and I stopped. I didn’t/won’t/can’t be who I was even yesterday. A part of me that’s free is emerging–and THAT is what is different.

I’ve been “subscribed” to fear so long that it’s been normal. Now I don’t want that. That changes EVERYTHING.

Answer to my own question: Yeah, I do have to relearn relationships again. Every tool I’ve used was meant to keep people at arms length. It worked. I’m not wanting that anymore, so yeah, I’ll need to relearn things.