Subliminal Changes

[subliminalguy]

Day 45
Last Phoenix listen–2 nights ago
Last Stabilizer listen–yesterday morning
Listening to Phoenix tomorrow night
Finally doing my 3x/week routine. So blooming might be happening now

Thoughts…beliefs…are changing. If I could summarize what’s working for me, I’d say:

“It works when I let it do its thing. When I don’t try to direct outcomes, when I’m not paying attention to it, I realize changes.”

I’ve been very adamant about not feeling butt-hurt, by whatever reason I can find, real or imagined. When I’ve allowed such feelings to come now on Phoenix, I’m experiencing belief changes. I’m slowly realizing people only control me because I’ve allowed them to. Suddenly, I actually feel some sense of self, some sense that I have a voice too.

To understand, I’m 55, and I’ve felt like a kid MOST of my life. I’ve been deferring my best choices when with others, or sabotaging good things (financially related) when I’m alone. I don’t feel like a Marine meathead. I’m just not so opposed to doing good things for me. Bypassing myself constantly has caused a lot of self-inflicted pain. I also don’t feel …older. I just feel like it can be done and I’m capable. (Not feeling capable by my own standards kept me feeling young. Incompetent even).

And Phoenix must be blooming now. My mind keeps looking at old comfort zones and normal hideouts from reality. Even now while I sit here, I felt and owned a bit of sadness when I went there, for it never satisfies. It only takes.

And that reminds me of my biggest realization lately. I’m feeling like I actually have something to offer people. <<-----That is in sharp contrast to seeing and approaching people…so I can receive from them. That’s been my biggest source of shame: feeling needy and feeling incapable around others constantly. No wonder I couldn’t/wouldn’t socialize much.

I’m enjoying this change. It’ll be apparent suddenly, and instead of disbelief…I’m allowing it and letting it happen.

I like it.

[subliminalguy]

Day 47

I’m grateful I did that extra day off yesterday. It felt like a mini washout. The subs were activating and I was locked into it, something I really desired. I have not felt that in a long time. I used to have that happen when I was doing dragon reborn. Running it Monday Wednesday Friday, then the weekends would be full force. Those weekends reminded me that I was on a very powerful subliminal. A life-changing one.

And that’s why I enjoyed yesterday. I felt it in action. I even questioned whether resuming last night was the best thing to do.

I look forward to my washout.

[subliminalguy]

Day 48

Something which Phoenix showed me last week I’ve not shared. I imagined writing about it many times, even making me wonder if I had already as I began writing this.

Here it is: I realized very clearly that I haven’t trusted myself. In the whole scope of my life. I find it still true, but I caught it before “playing the part” here tonight. I’m listening to my normal tendencies and checking them with what I know to be true.

This is my listening night, and my mind is showing signs it’s working on something deep. I wondered about waiting another day to allow it to process… and I felt insecure since I usually rely on others input and confirmation that I’m doing the right thing.

I first thought about posting a "what do you do when…? question in the questions thread, seeking outside ideas about waiting another day. But I remembered I’d already done that weeks back. Slightly different question, but the same motivation. That’s my old pattern of passively seeking atta boy’s from others.

That’s also me not trusting myself.

BOOM. My mind just associated it with losing my brother, who left home during the night without any notice and never returned. I was around 11, and he had been my protector and constant companion (no dad in our lives). He left since my mom vented her man-hate onto him since he reminded her of our dad.

I’ve feared trusting anyone since I’ve imagined them leaving too. I didn’t trust myself either. I think I thought it was my fault, like something was wrong with me

I’d never seen this before. Not once my entire life.

I’m gonna let this cook. Probably just Stabilizer tomorrow morning.

This is deep stuff. This stuff runs me.

[subliminalguy]

Day 50

I did something Wednesday which I’d not done before with Phoenix, and I’m going to repeat it tomorrow.

I skipped listening Tuesday night, as I usually listen to heavier titles at night to allow more processing. Phoenix was still processing, so I skipped it, planning on doing Stabilizer the following morning.

But that didn’t happen. I chanced listening to Phoenix Wednesday morning, and I definitely was influenced all day. Most noticeable to me was how I had numerous conversations with customers, even to where 4 or so people asked me “What’s your name?” That’s not common for a “delivery guy” role–but I found myself making time for them, which they appreciated. I noticed that near the end of my day, and even more men than that actually approached me to shake my hand.

Maybe it was the emotional intelligence in Phoenix peaking. Maybe it was Synergy: Beyond Connection. Whatever it was felt really good to me, actually making connections with people, without fear. Without seeking “reasons” and barricades to pull away.

So that’s what I’ll listen to tomorrow morning.

Truth: my only opposition was imaginations of my critical boss. No word from him, but another manager called out to me while we were heading out this morning, for me to “Hurry up!” Umm…shut up. Noone else is running out to their trucks, and I wasn’t even chatting with anyone. F*** off.

It got to me. It was indirect but loaded with unspoken disapproval. If Phoenix is “burning” anything in me, it must be these old hidden expectations and resentments I’ve had of leader figures.

I see I swim in this clouded mindset when feeling undesired and disrespected. Like I could be all alone at any moment. More accurately, I feel alone then. This mirrors that fog I was in for months when my brother left when I was young. No tools. No goals. Just a broken heart reeling from abandonment.

The pain and loneliness from that time…I’ve just. Not. Touched. I’ve bitched from the outside. But I’ve never stepped near that pit. That pit of memories and beliefs still affecting me.

I’m not going to search for it though. It IS a need, yes. But fears foul me up when I try to outsmart my own defense systems. Anyway, that’s why I’m using Phoenix.

[subliminalguy]

Day 52

My days off period has begun, and I’m looking for the subs’ effects.

No. No. No. I’m not being honest with myself. I’m hiding from “drastic” changes. I associated fear with change. Taking only seconds to look into why, I still believe my old guilt is a safe space. It was familiar. It was known. Which also led to the illusion that I had control.

Which is why I’ve sought it out, and also why I’ve held on to it so long. I wanted to have some control of my life. I thought I’d done something wrong during childhood, I found some relief by accepting that, but the chainholder is never satisfied. Penance has been a way of life. It just is never happy.

Wow. I’ve been projecting that onto my boss lately. For weeks. That’s all me. Sadness arose while writing that. I’ve felt not in control for many years… and finding a scapegoat was…a miserable relief. Miserable because every time I blamed and berated him, I felt those same pains and personal cuts. It takes one to know one.

I will admit that Phoenix is changing my harsh assessments of others. And I’m not beating myself up so bad either. When I started Phoenix, I didn’t have the strength or will to hang on to the goodness and kindness in me. And as of very late, I’m losing reason to berate myself and others.

But I’m still transitioning into that. It’s happening

[subliminalguy]

Day 54
Phoenix custom this morning

The biggest thing on my mind is that I’m honestly wanting to connect with people. I worked yesterday, I honestly tried to pull away from people (listening to old feelings and messages in my head)…but I found myself not ok with that. Again, like in weeks past, I had an hour-long conversation with a “rough” guy, a guy who seems to have spent a lot of his life pushing people away. We were on the same page in many ways, though I wasn’t admitting that to him outright. I was observing AND seeing similarities. I was also seeing how he truly didn’t like being so distant himself. Thus, the long convo.

I’m also seeing clearly how I mistrust myself so quickly. An example is right here. I’ve thought about writing things I was experiencing many times the last 48 hours. --It’s because I often feel some inner pain, and right there I’ll cut it off. In times past, here and years before in 12 step meetings, i thought me airing it/speaking it was me giving it away. I gave it away very regularly. But…the truth is that I didn’t trust myself with it. I’d feel relieved temporarily…but I felt ashamed since I felt unable to handle it. I didn’t feel competent to handle life.

These were the beliefs I lived by for decades, day after day. I lived for those 12 step meetings. It was a place I could socialize some, be honest some…but that’s all I felt good at. Those 90 minute daily reprieves were my life’s focus. Not money. Not women. Just a little bit of safety in each day.

And when safety is a day’s major goal, almost everything else just ain’t that important. That was me at 20. At 30. At 40. 50 too. Family was easier to handle since their life’s focus was similar, though unstated. That’s why I grew up with no or low life goals. Family understood that. I didn’t share this with outsiders much.

Well, until I began growing. I’d begin living differently here. And out in real life. 90% of changes I’ve made in the last decade were because of using subs. I think I’m just REALLY reflective right now, so I’m sharing here. I’ve seen people reflect the hope I’m displaying, and it’s unforgettable. Like people actually liking me. Even smiling with me. Stuff I’m just not used to, as Phoenix dredges these truths up.

Right now, it’s like my cemented beliefs of safety are clashing with Phoenix’s goals of freeing me. And though I realize my mind’s trying to hang onto something I recognize, I’m not so sure I want to win this battle.

[subliminalguy]

Day 56
Phoenix custom this morning

Awarenesses have been coming steadily. Yesterday at work. Constantly while home.

I’m starting to realize why I’ve been afraid to write here. I still sit in that subservient, fearful mindset when around authoritative males, and I imagine that when I come here. I remember thinking my brother, my protector, would do just that, meaning protect me.

I trusted him. I put my faith in him. But he torched that trust, and I never dealt with it.

I began distrusting myself after since I was all alone and could only see my actions as the reason he left. I thought I’d do it again.

And that’s why I’ve been stand-off-ish for 40+ years.

---

Multiple realizations have popped up lately.

I’ll pull off for now. My mind wants to hide, and I’d not want to do it in “more words”. Out for now

[subliminalguy]

Gotta share this.

I’ve lived with constant guilt, me thinking I’m responsible for anything bad, and it came to me yesterday.

I said something to my coworker and he misheard it. His anger rose quickly, and internally I instantly shut him off. I wondered why I did that.

My mom was angry constantly. As a child, I thought it was my fault. But we never talked about it. She was a daily alcoholic.

I realized I cut my coworker off since I wasn’t going to own his disproportionate anger. But my mind was seeing my childhood self owning all my mom’s shit. Every last bit.

That’s why I’ve felt guilty all these years.

[subliminalguy]

I feel like I’m on a ride, but I’m blindfolded.

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I feel like I’m on a very important journey. But…it’s hard to talk about it. Hard to explain it. Here and with a present coworker I’ve shared some highlights, but nothing more. I don’t have a clearly formed box that i or others can understand.

So, why am I on this sub?

Because piece by piece, I’m not feeling afraid of so much. I don’t feel like an incompetent kid like I BELIEVED I was for so long. The biggest thing I felt competent in before Phoenix was, well, escaping fear and pain. Avoiding was my MO. I used to think that bravery was being STRONGER than fear. Now, it seems like a pointless and sabotaging aim–for my life. Relationships don’t require MORE. They just require me. Nothing else. Not rocket science. I just couldn’t see this before. Fear was constantly covering my eyes, and I gave in to it. I thought I was doing…somewhat ok. In actual truth, me running from fear and pain was a full-time job, aided by constant dopamine hits and excitement seeking (mentally mostly).

I’m going to run my Phoenix/LB custom another full cycle. I desire more of this.

[subliminalguy]

Day 57

2 big things happened today which showed me Phoenix is making headway.

The first one is huge to me. I’ve been working with a guy who has been rubbing me wrong ever since we started working together months back. Not outside, apparent, or obvious reasons. I have gotten pissed numerous times…because…damn…he reminds me of my brother, or who I made him to be in my mind. This guy just doesn’t GAF about much, and he instantly bucks anyone who simply tells him to do anything. Strangely enough, I’ve not puked on him emotionally, except for once weeks back, and we made up.

And those little triggers, those things that irritate me— were very much alive in my mind today. But I’ll cut to the chase.

Suddenly, I instantly knew and felt the connection to that irritation: I hold deep unforgiveness towards my brother. I KNEW this. I accepted it as soon as I felt it. An unquestionable truth. I have no defense, no bullshit to hide behind. I’ve hated him and painfully leaned on that “right”.

But Phoenix had just opened the door. Something else was coming.

Hours later, after I had fumed to myself (though I began questioning myself and my reasons), powerful tears of release popped out of me, only for 5 seconds or so.

(My real defenses show up now). I’ve been holding onto this anger ever since I started Phoenix. I thought it’d go somewhere at some time, but I didn’t see this coming. These were the tears I’ve desired that said “I’M SICK OF THIS SHIT AND I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS!!”. The barrier had cracked. If the tears had kept coming, …well, I don’t know what I’d do, but I am SOOOO ready to release this.

I feel like my upcoming washout may really undo a lot of old stuff. I’m looking forward to it.

[subliminalguy]

Day 58

Phoenix is still at work.

Feeling emotionally stirred up, like more tears like yesterday want to come out.

What I know is that I usually feel even twinges of fear and I vacate. Yes. I do.

Even now. Wanting to run since I’m scared. It’s always been the easy way. But Phoenix is holding this up to me.

One moment at a time.

[Forexpreneur]

Hello @subliminalguy . I just wanted to gently come in and say “Hi” and give you some kudos to encourage you to stick with it. I came across your journal and have been reading about your struggles. Mine are different but I can also realate.

Also, I’ll be 55 in just shy of a week (17th). Sounds like you were born in '71 also? Anyway, keep growing Brother. Take care.

[subliminalguy]

Thanks @Forexpreneur. Yeah, it’s doing a work, BUT…I don’t feel defeated and hopeless like I’ve experienced at times on other subs.

I’ll share one big thing that’s affecting my choice to stay on Phoenix, and I’m serious here. In times past, I’d be on a healing sub, and I’d have an “itch”, for lack of a better word. Feeling slightly anxious over what could happen next, I’d have fantasies of fear. I’d spin in it a short while… I’d often begin browsing other subs, reminiscing over feeling stable on this sub, loved and loving on another, or more secure and accepted on that one. And many times I’d pull off, thinking I possibly did a good thing.

In contrast, Phoenix seems to have a plan to where my numerous mental hideouts…are NOT so easily accessed. Not at all. Even to where I’ve felt uncomfortable when trying to force an old mindset. I’d used those hideouts my entire life, and suddenly, “NOT TODAY!”

Having done this 2 months now, I’ll say that facing reality is growing on me. I’ll feel an old sadness about losing old hideout, but I don’t feel terrified. (this was all I had in years past, so I had no escape suddenly–thus, sub hopping). In sharp contrast, I’ve actually felt competent to handle life. (—And hearing me think THAT brought some old fears up).

So, to summarize,

• I’m losing old patterns, but I don’t feel like I even want them after a very short period.
• I don’t have that itch to run away.
• And seeing how much it’s changing my normal thinking patterns…why wouldn’t I want to see more?

That’s why running Phoenix has NOT been as hard as I imagined.

P.S. The emotional intelligence makes a big part of this success thus far. I’ve WANTED to be around people. I’ve WANTED to talk to people. I’ve WANTED, and I’ve been ABLE, to be there while others have unexpectedly dumped something deep in their own lives. Emotional intelligence helps me be me, not some manufactured me. Make everyday living much, much easier

Yep, 71 is the year

[Forexpreneur]

@subliminalguy

Emotional intelligence helps me be me, not some manufactured me. Make everyday living much, much easier

I love this. And thank you for the excellent summary of your experience with Phoenix. It really appealed to me but I took a different approach. It still is on the radar in the future. '71! Yeah. LOL. Thank you for the response Brother.

[subliminalguy]

Day 59

Tomorrow is my last day of the cycle. Feeling effects.

Good ones. Woke up feeling peaceful. Not feeling, or fearing drama.

Most specifically, I’m feeling loved and I’m soaking it up. Like a culmination of both Phoenix and Love Bomb.

I want to shout out to @ksub and thank him for his advice to madsexyscientist with LB. Since MSS was struggling with achievements due to his own limiting beliefs, ksub said keep LB in his stack for an extended period of time.

I wouldn’t respond without reason. LB is in my Phoenix custom, but it’s been the quietest sub this cycle. Like very few signs it was active.

And here’s what just hit me. I’ve never experienced this before. My past memories with LB all involve other people. Them feeling my love, them seeking to return it. Those were the vast majority of memories.

Loving myself? My mind’s been bucking that. I am completely serious.

And that peaceful feeling I woke up with this morning was just slightly uncomfortable. Unfamiliar. Not known. Like my mind and body feared I could be hurt if it bloomed.

Which is likely why I wanted to remain asleep, letting it work.

I never saw that before.

NOTE: evidence of LB quietly working:

Very very often I don’t write “I” at the beginning of my sentences. I just use the verb and write forward.

But owning myself? Not often. I noticed it while writing “Never saw that before.” I went back and put “I” in front of it. The awareness is key.

[subliminalguy]

Day 60
Phoenix this morning

It just feels different this morning.

I got up at 4. I’m at work now, working at another site. Slow day.

So I closed my eyes while waiting in my truck. It was still dark here. I was out around 10 minutes. I woke up not wanting or seeking barriers in my day.

Like I could actually be happy. Free. That’s attractive to me.

Full disclosure: still having tears release while writing. Allowing myself to love myself isn’t hard, but I’ve been making it hard out of habit. Letting that go a moment at a time.

Letting it creep in

[subliminalguy]

What?

I just saw this beautiful girl, I smiled and waved, and then I went on.

Moments later, I was walking near some customers, and I found myself wanting to pull away.

What I asked was “what do I really want out of life?”

I write because I saw that contrast between constantly trying to hide myself versus putting myself out there. I’m not s******* you when I say I don’t think I’ve ever been here.

I bring this up in context of subliminals because this morning I was building, or rebuilding, an Emperor custom here. Originally, I’d almost done a rebuild of the one I made months back. But after remembering some negative memories with that build, I pulled off.

But seriously, I’ve been focusing on my past non-stop for years. A beautiful girl walks in front of me, my eyes are open, and I say “I want that”. Seconds later, I’m reminded of my non-changing norm.

I’m seriously questioning Emperor only because I can be very standoffish, very distant, to people. I got stuff done, lots of stuff, but I was very very lonely. I could even honestly say, no it’s the truth, that I used Emperor to keep people away. The problem is not with Emperor. It’s with my lifelong norm of keeping people away from my heart.

I’ve considered making an Ascension custom.

And the only reason I stop is because I purposely used Emperor so long for that very reason. I still want safety, but damn, how can I live with people if I’m trying to keep them away all day?

It’s possible I’m considering these major choices too early on, considering what Phoenix is doing.

---

I took a break after writing that.

I’m suddenly seeing women all around. Like one after another. And a great sadness fills me because I’m still trying to hang on to old s***.

This hurts too much to stay the same.

[subliminalguy]

I want to share something about the beautiful girl I saw earlier.

I held eye contact for maybe 5-10 seconds.

For most men, that’d be obvious. Like that’s what you do to get a girl’s attention. But I wasn’t running on some male script. No, not at all. I saw a beautiful woman, and WANTED to interact with her. That’s what caught my attention because that’s NOT what I normally do.

I remember 2-3 women I noticed today, but not seeking bad attention (from the male partners with them), I’d drop my eyes or look away.

I was just in a very new headspace where I allowed myself to open up to a woman.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 1

I took some courage and just built an Ascension custom l, using both stage 1 and 2. Not paid for it yet.

I put in the Synergy Connection module again, and I’d like to keep that, if it were possible, as my main focus.

I’m thinking of removing two financial modules, and maybe some irrelevant ones just because they sounded nice. I don’t want a sub with too many focuses. It’s about 13 modules right now.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 3

Love seems to be peeking through. Some old belief or experience keeps pushing back.

But love is pushing through, trying to love me. It’s been terrifying since it’s so foreign.

It’s been a relatively quiet washout, because I expected more drama. I’ve pulled back from writing since…my old standard clashed with recent belief shifts. I usually let fear lead me, and writing that brought up tears. Fear has suffocated me. A lot.

I’ve been in freeze mode more than I’d like to admit. Trying not to feel.

Writing helped.