Subliminal Changes

[subliminalguy]

Day 45
Last Phoenix listen–2 nights ago
Last Stabilizer listen–yesterday morning
Listening to Phoenix tomorrow night
Finally doing my 3x/week routine. So blooming might be happening now

Thoughts…beliefs…are changing. If I could summarize what’s working for me, I’d say:

“It works when I let it do its thing. When I don’t try to direct outcomes, when I’m not paying attention to it, I realize changes.”

I’ve been very adamant about not feeling butt-hurt, by whatever reason I can find, real or imagined. When I’ve allowed such feelings to come now on Phoenix, I’m experiencing belief changes. I’m slowly realizing people only control me because I’ve allowed them to. Suddenly, I actually feel some sense of self, some sense that I have a voice too.

To understand, I’m 55, and I’ve felt like a kid MOST of my life. I’ve been deferring my best choices when with others, or sabotaging good things (financially related) when I’m alone. I don’t feel like a Marine meathead. I’m just not so opposed to doing good things for me. Bypassing myself constantly has caused a lot of self-inflicted pain. I also don’t feel …older. I just feel like it can be done and I’m capable. (Not feeling capable by my own standards kept me feeling young. Incompetent even).

And Phoenix must be blooming now. My mind keeps looking at old comfort zones and normal hideouts from reality. Even now while I sit here, I felt and owned a bit of sadness when I went there, for it never satisfies. It only takes.

And that reminds me of my biggest realization lately. I’m feeling like I actually have something to offer people. <<-----That is in sharp contrast to seeing and approaching people…so I can receive from them. That’s been my biggest source of shame: feeling needy and feeling incapable around others constantly. No wonder I couldn’t/wouldn’t socialize much.

I’m enjoying this change. It’ll be apparent suddenly, and instead of disbelief…I’m allowing it and letting it happen.

I like it.

[subliminalguy]

Day 47

I’m grateful I did that extra day off yesterday. It felt like a mini washout. The subs were activating and I was locked into it, something I really desired. I have not felt that in a long time. I used to have that happen when I was doing dragon reborn. Running it Monday Wednesday Friday, then the weekends would be full force. Those weekends reminded me that I was on a very powerful subliminal. A life-changing one.

And that’s why I enjoyed yesterday. I felt it in action. I even questioned whether resuming last night was the best thing to do.

I look forward to my washout.

[subliminalguy]

Day 48

Something which Phoenix showed me last week I’ve not shared. I imagined writing about it many times, even making me wonder if I had already as I began writing this.

Here it is: I realized very clearly that I haven’t trusted myself. In the whole scope of my life. I find it still true, but I caught it before “playing the part” here tonight. I’m listening to my normal tendencies and checking them with what I know to be true.

This is my listening night, and my mind is showing signs it’s working on something deep. I wondered about waiting another day to allow it to process… and I felt insecure since I usually rely on others input and confirmation that I’m doing the right thing.

I first thought about posting a "what do you do when…? question in the questions thread, seeking outside ideas about waiting another day. But I remembered I’d already done that weeks back. Slightly different question, but the same motivation. That’s my old pattern of passively seeking atta boy’s from others.

That’s also me not trusting myself.

BOOM. My mind just associated it with losing my brother, who left home during the night without any notice and never returned. I was around 11, and he had been my protector and constant companion (no dad in our lives). He left since my mom vented her man-hate onto him since he reminded her of our dad.

I’ve feared trusting anyone since I’ve imagined them leaving too. I didn’t trust myself either. I think I thought it was my fault, like something was wrong with me

I’d never seen this before. Not once my entire life.

I’m gonna let this cook. Probably just Stabilizer tomorrow morning.

This is deep stuff. This stuff runs me.

[subliminalguy]

Day 50

I did something Wednesday which I’d not done before with Phoenix, and I’m going to repeat it tomorrow.

I skipped listening Tuesday night, as I usually listen to heavier titles at night to allow more processing. Phoenix was still processing, so I skipped it, planning on doing Stabilizer the following morning.

But that didn’t happen. I chanced listening to Phoenix Wednesday morning, and I definitely was influenced all day. Most noticeable to me was how I had numerous conversations with customers, even to where 4 or so people asked me “What’s your name?” That’s not common for a “delivery guy” role–but I found myself making time for them, which they appreciated. I noticed that near the end of my day, and even more men than that actually approached me to shake my hand.

Maybe it was the emotional intelligence in Phoenix peaking. Maybe it was Synergy: Beyond Connection. Whatever it was felt really good to me, actually making connections with people, without fear. Without seeking “reasons” and barricades to pull away.

So that’s what I’ll listen to tomorrow morning.

Truth: my only opposition was imaginations of my critical boss. No word from him, but another manager called out to me while we were heading out this morning, for me to “Hurry up!” Umm…shut up. Noone else is running out to their trucks, and I wasn’t even chatting with anyone. F*** off.

It got to me. It was indirect but loaded with unspoken disapproval. If Phoenix is “burning” anything in me, it must be these old hidden expectations and resentments I’ve had of leader figures.

I see I swim in this clouded mindset when feeling undesired and disrespected. Like I could be all alone at any moment. More accurately, I feel alone then. This mirrors that fog I was in for months when my brother left when I was young. No tools. No goals. Just a broken heart reeling from abandonment.

The pain and loneliness from that time…I’ve just. Not. Touched. I’ve bitched from the outside. But I’ve never stepped near that pit. That pit of memories and beliefs still affecting me.

I’m not going to search for it though. It IS a need, yes. But fears foul me up when I try to outsmart my own defense systems. Anyway, that’s why I’m using Phoenix.